I titled this recap that because I can tell that Lucious gon’ end up hittin’ that.  He was really watchin’ Cookie’s booty errytime she sashayed away tonight; stared at her just a wee bit too long; and was doin’ all kindsa flirtin’.  Boo Boo Kitty betta stop lettin’ Cookie run all up and through her house all times of the day and night.  I’m just sayin’.  Cookie actin’ all familiar and sheeit like that’s her house. Next thang you know, she will be wearin’ Boo Boo Kitty’s lingerie sets and layin’ up in her bed.  And after that, it won’t be long fo’ Boo Boo Kitty is scratchin’ out Cookie’s head and bathin’ her the way Celie used to have to do Mistah’s woman, Shug Avery.  Keep yo’ eyes open Anika!  You may really need to disturb them pearls wayyy sooner than you think.

Tonight’s show didn’t have a lot of wow moments, so this will be quick.  Plus, I’m tired from eatin’ up all them people’s food at Benihana’s (or Venihana’s as my 5 year old likes to say it).  And I had a Mai Tai so I’m gon’ try to remember what happened as best as can, seein’ as I just watched the episode.

Cookie has stopped wearin’ the full length furs and gone to wearin’ mink stoles.  It take a certain kinda woman to wear a mink stole (especially a plum-colored one).  You don’t wanna cross a woman wearin’ a mink stole cuz she usually got a razor in her purse or in her bra.  And she will go to dicin’ as soon as you get on her bad side.  That’s Cookie.  That thang also rocked a Chanel tonight.  And just like clockwork, Lucious was havin’ another private meetin’ and her arse showed right up.  I am still convinced she got a trackin’ device on him or in them boardrooms he be in cuz she be comin’ outta nowhere with her “assistant” who be lookin’ like a fake arse Fantasia, without the Idol.  Cookie wanted a bigger office, cuz Lucious had stuck her up on the 13th flo’ next to accounting.

She ended up agreein’ to manage Hakeem’s (the younger son..I done finally learnt his name!) girlfriend’s career, which upset Anika (Boo Boo Kitty – I’m two for two, cuz I done learned her name too).  Cookie keeps tryna get close to Hakeem and build a relationship with him but he is still mad at her.  He really missed his mom and is putting on this hard exterior to shield himself from being hurt I think.  I also think that’s part of the reason why he was in them people’s tub tonight bathin’ with Naomi Campbell.  Something was just so wrong with that cuz Hakeem looks erry bit of 15, and Naomi is a woman of a certain age.  I ain’t that mad though cuz like I said befo’, she is still EVERYTHING and an icon (I don’t shade icons) but them modelin’ and runway gigs are prolly startin’ to dry up.  Even tho’ she will still be set cuz she got a VERY RICH (and not with that lil new money like what Nene Leakes got) boyfriend.

Hakeem’s new lil girlfriend caught them in the tub and there was no drama, which was surprisin’.  I expected her to throw a radio in that tub or cuss somebody out or somethin’ but she played it real cool.  Even when they performed together for the Teen Choice Awards nomination show.

Lucious was busy tryna sign a new artist, Titan.  Titan shot somebody after his performance at club and ended up in them people’s penitentiary. He has a contract with Lucious ol’ grimy manager at a competitor record company.  That guy threatened to dig up all of Lucious ol’ dirt and bury him with it if Lucious takes Empire public.  Lucious loves a good threat and visited Titan in solitary the next day, gave him some money and a cellphone so he could start recording for Empire.  Lucious 1 That Guy Who Played The Other Cop in New Jack City 0.  Speaking of New Jack City, “they” say Wesley Snipes was supposed to play Lucious.  I can see that especially with how Lucious shot Bunky down by the river in the moonlight.  But alas, Taraji P Henson told them she would only take the role if Terrance Howard was Lucious.

Tonight, Lucious old Anika that he has ALS and 3 years to live.  He was strugglin’ to shave so Anika told him to put his head back like Celie told Mistah in that movie, and she finished shaving him.  Betta her than Cookie cuz Cookie mighta slit his throat.

That was pretty much it.  There were no freaky bib scenes tonight…matta fact, I ain’t see that lil white woman for none of this episode.  Jamal was doin’ him (he cut himself off from his daddy’s money) in an ol’ Good Times-type apartment.  I’m tryna figga out what his boyfriend does.  Does he work?  Go to school?  All I ever see him doin’ is eatin’ and layin’ up with Jamal.  Waste of a character and a storyline.

Speaking of characters, they need to do better with Precious.  They goin’ to hayle for dressin’ that damn gul like that.  Next week looks interesting.  Somebody is out to make the Cookie crumble…

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

A friend sent me a link to the funniest thang this mornin’, and I just had to share so y’all could holler and scream laughin’ too.  Y’all know Chris Brown?  Bout yay tall….beat up Rihanna real bad in them people’s car and had her face all swole up….can dance real good……got kilt in the first (and the best) Stomp The Yard after he won the dance-off…..be goin’ back and forth between Rihanna and that Karucchi gul….STAY in trouble and on probation….just got out of jail earlier this year.  Trouble and bad luck just seems to follow Chris Brown but it’s usually cuz of his own stupid choices.  i don’t know if y’all know this but he was sentenced to bout a thousand hours of community service for his last run-in with the law.  He’s been pickin’ up trash on the side of the freeway or making license plates or something.

Well anyway, Trey Songz (y’all know Trey – bout yay tall *doin’ hand thang* and real fine like if you was a Cougar you’d be tryna holla) put him on his tour.  I ain’t mad at that.  That’s a good look for a tour, and it will only boost Chris Brown’s public image, which has taken a real beating (pun intended).  Well, don’t you know, Chris still got them bad roots on him cuz come to find out, he can’t even much go on the tour until he finishes his community service.  Apparently, he got 100 hours left.  And they just found out that the first legs of the tour will have to be cancelled or rescheduled because of it.  We all know how hard it is to buy concert tickets in this economy.  They be high as hayle!  I had to ask them people at the gas comp’ny for an extension to go to Beyonce and Jay Z’s concert and I was in the cheap seats.  Gas prices ain’t been under $2 for that damn long and errythang is just more expensive these days.  So when fans are scratchin’ and survivin’ like James Evans, and they buy a ticket to a concert, they expectin’ to attend a SHOW.  They wanna see tricks and fireworks and twerkin’ and foke risin’ up from the stage floor and flyin’ down outta the ceiling.  They don’t wanna hear bout no damn cancellations!

Chris Brown loves him some social media when honestly he could benefit from deactivatin’ some of that sheeit for bout fo’ or fi’ months and use the time saved from Tweetin’ and Instagrammin’ to finish that trash pick-up community service.  Instead he took to it to announce that the first legs of the tour would be cancelled.  And Bay Bay….one fan…when she found out she wasn’t gonna see Trey Songz sangin’ Ooooh Na Na….went LEFT on Chris’ troubled arse right on Instagram.  And I read it and abruptly collapsed and DIED from laughter!  I couldn’t stop the laughs from comin’.  They started out as a chuckle and then erupted into full-fledge SCREAMS.  This fan got Chris Brown all the way together.  I got my fangers crossed that Chris responds (cuz we know he likes to go after foke that come fuh him, and he goes hard like a “beyotch boy”) so I can get my life again behind this post.  Chile…this fan READ Chris Brown like an overdue “li-berry” book that you try to sneak and return so you don’t have to pay them damn fees!  Imma stop talmbout it and let you read it for yourself (don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @staylorclark)

Normally, I blog about safe stuff like Reality Shows cuz I don’t like real life people comin’ for me.  I’m doing this one, however, because it was requested. I’m sure it will be a quick blog entry, cuz I don’t know nothin’ bout marryin’ myself.  I ain’t neva married myself, nor have I ever wanted to marry myself.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m pretty awesome.  I’m easy on the eyes.  I’m smart, and have a successful career.  I ain’t that fat, and I got some nice lookin’ teeth.  I can cook.  I know how to take care of a chile.  I can also put it down…well…I won’t go there but you get the gist.  Still though, ain’t nothin’ bout that resume that made me think ‘hmmm…I’m gon’ marry myself tomar’.  But this is just what happened with this gul in Houston.

Yasmin Eleby made a vow to herself apparently that if she wasn’t married at age 40, she would walk down the aisle….to herself.  Like how does that work exactly?  Did she have a cardboard version of herself standin’ up there at the altar with the preacher?  Her mother walked her down the aisle and promptly gave Yasmin away.  To herself.  Yes, I keep harping on that cuz I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

She had an elegant ceremony.  There were flowers.  Singing.  Vows (that she wrote…herself).  Bridesmaids.  I have to admit the bridesmaids part was pretty troubling for me.  I’m mad at EVERYBODY who attended (well maybe not her mama cuz you know mamas have to support they kids even sometimes when they hellbent on foolery, if it ain’t hurtin’ nobody) but like really mad at the bridesmaids.  Not a one of them raised their hand and said ‘gurl, what in the HAYLE?  You cain’t marry yourself!  That is some fraggleknackle bullsheeit’.  Nope…they were all too busy pickin’ out dresses.  I guess they really wanted to be bridesmaids *shrug*  If you are reading this Yasmin, they ain’t yo’ real friends.  Prolly sharin’ photos from your big day behind yo’ back and snickerin’!

I ain’t one to tell nobody how to live they life or spend they money, but she could have had a really fabulous party just celebrating herself and 40 years.  She even had a weddin’ cake and took a photo cuttin’ it AND stuffin’ it into her own damn mouth.

I wonder if there is a man out there for ol’ Yasmin and if so, when he sees the photos of her marryin’ herself in a full ceremony, what will happen?  What happens if he decides to stick around through the obvious crazy (I mean, they do say crazy women be havin’ that THANG) and wants to marry her?  Will she have to divorce herself first?  Will she get BOTH halves (Texas IS a community property state)?  And what does her new married status mean?  Is she wearing a ring?  Does she get to file “married” on her tax return?  Does she get to check the married box on Census and other forms?  Did she update her status to Married and tag herself on FB?

Yeah, I’m pretty much done with this topic.  It’s making my brain hurt.  I will just wish her well on her..um..er…marriage.  I’m pretty sure her wedding night…was uh..er “interesting”.  Especially if she took along that lil thin cardboard man in the pic below.  Oh well, at least nobody got pregnant.  Gotta stop the desecration of the human gene pool somewhere.

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I gotta say somethin’ bout last night’s Celebrity Apprentice.  Y’all know I cut for Kenya Moore because I have always admired her since she won them people’s crown back in the day.  Apparently, last night’s showdown in the boardroom between Vivica Fox and Kenya is a foreshadowin’ of what’s to come next week.  We have been promised an OMG moment in the boardroom that ERRYBODY is gon’ be talmbout come next Tuesday.

This episode started like most – task given (this time it was create a themed party boat for the NY harbor tour).  As usual, Juh-raldo (Geraldo) tried to take over, but this time, Vivica and Kate Gosselin worked together to take his idea down.  I was glad.  I’m sure nobody thinks “party” when they board a boat and hear about the American Revolution.  Sheeit…I’da volunteered to throw Juh-raldo ova board with an anchor and tied to bricks.  I just knew this was Team Vortex’s challenge to win because they had Sig that crab boat captain as the project manager.  Well, he sucked because he picked a Hooters theme for the boat.  Like only horny men were going to be passengers when it was clear there would be women onboard.  And not just that, he let ol’ borin’ arse Juh-raldo narrate the tour, and y’all know you ain’t been able to give Juh-raldo a mic since 1993.  He actually yelled “Down With The Terrorists” at one point as they were passing the Statue of Liberty.  I’da made his arse abruptly walk the plank for that foolishness.

Meanwhile, Team Infinity pulled together an idea for a Big Apple Bonanza (even though it wasn’t clearly executed) that took the win.  Thank GOD Brandi Glanville was smart enough to shoot down “Manhattan Mardi Gras”.  That sounded like a whole mess and a half!  Bright spot of their party boat for me was – yep, you guessed it – Kenya’s performance of Gone With The Wind Fabulous.  Until she got kinda grimy on them people’s ship floors doin’ butt exercises..I mean dances.  I still love her though, and I twirled a lil while sittin’ on my sectional watching.  Though some of the guests found the lyrics to her song less than classy, Team Infinity still beat ol’ politically polarizin’ Juh-raldo nem, and Sig was sent home (Trump still gave his charity money in the end, so he kinda still won).  I was glad because Kenya is good tv and I don’t wanna see her go home just yet.

That left Team Vortex down to 3, so Trump kept it interesting by pullin’ a switch-a-roo.  He sent Kenya to the losin’ team.  NOOO!!!  That puts her that much closer to goin’ home cuz Vivica’s nem team STAY losin’.  The next task was buildin’ a model luxury hotel that mirrored Trump’s glamorous hotel in FL.  I was like “Yass”….Vivica nem got this cuz I know both she and Kenya know luxury.  Unfortunately, Kate Gosselin doesn’t and she stepped up to be the project manager.  You know that lady got too many kids to be thinkin’ about the details she would have needed to consider for this project.  And then she made a major misstep.  Instead of allowing Kenya Moore (who definitely knows luxury) to lead the design, she sent her shopping with Vivica.  The shopping trip took up a lot of time (they got back too late to really help Kate) and Kenya blamed Vivica for an extra stop.  That led up to a loss for Team Vortex (Lawd..that lil fake golf course was TRAGIC and that gold tub with bout five flower petals in it was pathetic).  The only thing Kate got right was designin’ the kid’s center.  We know she know kids.

Team Infinity, led by Ian Zhering won again, because you know, they actually had luxury in the model they built even down to the little details (massage therapist for the spa played by team member Johnny Damon (that’s a good lookin’ man!) and a real golf pro analyzing golf swings on their golf simulator.  I don’t even think they got to who you gon’ bring back to the boardroom (maybe cuz there are only 4 people on the team now) when Kenya and Vivica started coming for each other!

Your boy Trump started it of course:  “Vivica, are you a fan of Kenya’s?”  Vivica:  “She’s attractive.”  Trump:  “You don’t think she’s beautiful?”  Vivica:  “She’s attractive”.  Kenya: “Well I haven’t had any plastic surgeries to my face..”  Whew CHILE!!!   I felt like I was watchin’ Miss Sophia from The Color Purple ball up her fist to steal on Squeek…like I shoulda been like that piano player in the movie “Time to go!”.  I knew what was about to happen wasn’t gon’ be pretty.  I love Kenya, but she don’t want it with Vivica.  Vivica convincingly beat a hoe’s arse in Kill Bill and then tried to shoot her through a cereal box.  Vivica put a gun to a police officer’s head in Set It Off and asked him what was the “m-fin’ procedure when you got a gun to yo’ head?”.  Vivica knocked Gabrielle Union the hayle out in Two Can Play That Game.  Vivica from Napp-town (Indy) and smoked several cigarettes without blowin’ smoke in Why Do Fools Fall In Love.  In other words, she ain’t no punk and she don’t play no damn games.  That’s a for real for real diva you messin’ with, and you don’t want it.  Trust.

“Stop it, Baby,” Vivica advised.  “You sittin’ ova there with a badonkadonk that’s fake as hayle, so don’t go there.  She had them boobs done too.  Sitting ova there with bout 7 packs of lashes on.”  Bay Bay!  I SCREAMED.  I HOLLERED.  I DIED.  Shaaaaaaaade Hunny!  Ding, Ding, Ding…time for round two next week when the phone gate scandal finally airs.  I gotta make sure I got appropriate snacks and drinks for this, cuz it’s sure to be a Tweet-worthy episode!

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Well, we got Sorority Sisters snatched but we still got them ol’ ratchet Real Housewives of Atlanta to keep us comp’ny on a Sunday night!  Yasssss!!!!  First off, I was just gettin’ my food together when they showed Kandi and Todd in them people’s doctor’s office talmbout gettin’ pregnant and swimmers in a cup and such.  All of a sudden, I lost my appetite.  That said, I do wish Kandi and Todd the best, because they deserve a lil shote, big-headed baby together.

I was happy to see them interacting with their girls…but I do keep wonderin’ if the only time that Riley (Kandi’s gul) and Kaela (Todd’s gul) talk to each other is on camera when Bravo is filmin’ at they house.  Kaela pretty much let it be known that Riley is always in her room.  Riley doesn’t seem to be interested in getting to know Kaela and she damn sho’ ain’t feelin’ her as a big sister.  Y’all know that’s that Mama Joyce gene in Riley, not letting her be friendly or great.  Kandi got Todd a FIERCE new car, and Todd didn’t seem to be excited enough for her, though he was pretty happy cuz he damn sho’ started it up and drove off quick in it.  I ain’t mad at Kandi for makin’ sure her man got a nice ride.  She got money and he seem to stay on top of her…um…er “plumbing issues”, so it ain’t trickin’ if you got it.  And Kandi damn sho’ got it.  That long money from Bedroom Kandi, Bravo, Kandi’s Music Fact’ry, Don’t Be Tardy For The Party, Escape, No Scrubs, Destiny’s Chile, TLC, A Mother’s Love/High Skool Musical, etc.  That thang be doin’ all kindsa hustlin’.  And not that hustlin’ backwards that Matthew Knowles be doin’ sellin’ 15 year old Beyonce posters for $5.  Don’t fret Todd if you don’t neva produce nothin’ else cuz yo’ woman gon’ keep an income comin’ in.

Lawd Peter done opened up another bar…this time in Charlotte.  I swear erry time Cynthia get her some coins stacked from that ol’ barely got models Bailey Agency, Peter sinks ‘em right into another failin’ bidness.  Just like that Bar None he had in Atlanta.  He was always lookin’ for patrons, cuz he had NONE.  They fo’ closed on that restaurant fo’ one year had passed.  I’m thinkin’ somebody done put the two fangah Celie curse on Peter cuz erry bidness he even thinks about…FAILS.  He musta done somebody wrong in a prior life or this one cuz his bars and clubs STAY losin’.  Kordell Stewart is his business partner for this venture, and we know he got several coins (good for Peter and Cynthia cuz now maybe she can build her savings account back up) cuz he didn’t give Porsha any of them in the divorce.  I’m still tryna figga out how she laid up next to that facially challenged thang erry night and came outta that marriage with not a single coin.  She ain’t even get no tokens for parking.  She makin’ up for it though, cuz her Prince of Zamunda done bought her several handbags and a nice car and prolly payin’ the lease on her house.  So now she definitely winnin’.  But this ain’t bout Porsha.

Cynthia brought along Kenya and Claudia on a road trip from the ATL to the opening of Sports One (I do like the sports bar concept and Charlotte seems to be a better market for that than competitive Atlanta).  Claudia, who still ain’t took off the required time to get them feet fixed, ended up makin’ goo goo eyes and canoodlin’ and whatnot with Kordell.  I don’t know how I feel bout that.  I was startin’ to like ol’ Claudia but my friends are convinced she ain’t nothin’ but a bunion-toeded bad-footed garden tool.  If she does end up datin’ Kordell, I might have to believe what friends and the internets is sayin’ bout her.  That is NOT a good look.  She doesn’t owe her co-worker Porsha nothin’…and Porsha ain’t even got a peach pit in her hand this season, let alone a peach…but still.  There are too many other men out here that ain’t got a problem with Boomerang-type feet when they are attached to a cute girl for Claudia to go after.  The grand openin’ appeared to be a success, and I will just be keepin’ Peter and that new spot in my prayers.

And finally, I was saving the best of the episode for last.  Apollo (who is STILL on the LONGEST COUNTDOWN TO PRISON EVAH) was spendin’ time with his two boys, Mr. President and Mr. Speaker of the House, at the yogurt shop.  It was so touching watching Mr. Minority Whip’s (Ayden) interaction with Apollo.  You can tell that lil boy loves that daddy, Chile.  Apollo asked him what happens when he (the boy) does something that Mommy, Daddy and MiMi don’t like.  The little boy said ‘time-out’.  Apollo tried to draw a parallel between that and what happens when a grown-up does something bad/wrong.   I started to feel a little sorry for Apollo, and then I had to remember….HE made the choice to steal them people’s identities, pension funds, cars, credit cards, house keys, groceries, clothes, mail, etc.  He coulda stuck it out as a personal trainer, even after that obvious misstep with the Donkey Booty video.  He coulda worked in one of Phaedra’s businesses, embalmin’ foke and drivin’ them to they final restin’ places OR pickin’ up stripper clientele monies in parkin’ lots for Phaedra.  Hayle, he coulda learned how to cook really good and just had her food waitin’ erryday while he stacked them Bravo checks.  But noooo..he had to go out there livin’ above his means on other foke and then brag about it on national TV, talmbout how he was droppin’ thousands of dollars a night, makin’ it STORM up in them people’s strip club.

So while I feel sad for the boys…I feel nothin’ for Apollo.  My hope is that he is truly rehabilitated this time, doesn’t have to get his hair braided too many times, gets money put on his books, and keeps his conebread.  At least 50% of the time.  Phaedra should make sure he sees his kids, but she should probably gon’ and file for a divorce and keep it movin’.  Let this be a lesson to errybody…them people’s penitentiary is NOT what you want.  Fast money ain’t good money or EASY money…cuz you gon’ always have to pay for your crimes in the end.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

The show opened with that new artist gul shootin’ a video and Lucious’ youngest son smilin’ at her and liftin’ dranks to her, which tipped off Lucious that the two had been dry grindin’ and knew each other intimately.  Lucious decided to have a dinner at his house to welcome ol’ girl to the fam’ly because once you smash on Empire, you gots to take said smashee home.  Apparently, that is an unwritten rule or somethin’ in they fam’ly.  There was a background rapper in the video who had major attitude during the shoot, and her manager (slash cousin, slash bodyguard, slash driver, slash cook) rolled up on Lucious talmbout how Lucious knew the rapper gul shoulda been out front.  Said he was gon’ make Lucious live up to erry promise he made to that rapper gul when he signed her.  This while eatin’ an ol’ nasty jelly donut with sprankles.  Ain’t nobody gon’ take a 300 lb man eatin’ a donut with sprankles seriously.

Lucious told the manager to step into his office (which was a trailer that was on the set) so they could talk in private.  On his way in, he borrowed one of his security foke’s canes.  Yep..you know what came next.  All you heard was Lucious taggin’ that arse with them people’s cane.  I think he used the handle part to beat that dude up.  And then he fiyah’ed him as ol’ girl’s mgr on the way out and told the security detail ol’ dude had had an accident (apparently, his head hit that cane handle repeatedly) and they needed to clean him up.  LOL!  Lucious ain’t hardly livin’ right.  That thang be murderin’, physically assaulting or threatenin’ somebody erry show.

Of course, Cookie musta got a text to her phone sayin’ that Lucious nem was doin’ the video shoot and/or havin’ a private meeting cuz she showed up outta nowhere wearin’ what else?  A full length  white fuh coat..this time void of leopard prints and such.  That thang say she ain’t gon’ stop wearin’ animals til she get half her comp’ny back.  She told Lucious he betta be glad she had somewhere else to be  and ain’t feel like causin’ a scene cuz she woulda came up in that video shoot and shut it down.  Sheeit..I was mad she had somewhere to be..I love when she set it off up in them people’s boardrooms.  He told her she looked nice.  I cain’t with these two.

Cookie still had her ol’ assistant, lookin’ like a broke arse Fantasia bout to sang Truth Is, working fuh her and tryna sign artists and songwriters.  I’m completely baffled why she won’t just fiyah that chick cuz she is the WORST employee evah.  Y’all know Cookie still tryna make a starruh oughta her gay son, Jamal.  I wouldn’t keep sayin’ he gay, but they keep remindin’ you on the show, so I just wanna be consistent.  Cookie realized that she needed to find her ol’ songwriter (Puma) to give Jamal that one hit to take his career to the next level.

They funeralized Bunky on this episode.  Lucious was wearin’ an all-white errythang suit lookin’ like the devil with them red eyes.  Talmbout how much he loveded Bunky, and how he cared fuh Bunky.  Knowin’ he the one that put that bullet square in Bunky’s temple.  Cookie was at the fun’ral too, with her sister (Tasha from all them Tyler Perry shows and movies).  I had heard in real-life that Tasha is goin’ through it with her husband and he tryna take errythang she got includin’ her phone so I was happy to see her on Fox’s payroll).  I was surprised though at how they dressed her, lookin’ like a broke arse Miss Celie when she went to her daddy’s fun’ral and found out “paw…NOT paw”.  At least Miss Celie got an inheritance at that fun’ral and did the cha cha cha dance on that gravel road cuz she got a house.  Tasha is wayyy too fabulous for that Aunt Esther church hat.  Hupp…Glo-ray!  Sometimes, I just feel it when I’m bloggin’ ‘specially when I go to talmbout 70s icons.

Miss Boo Boo Kitty (Lucious’ woman) had a private eye follow Cookie, and had photos of her with five O.  You know that murderin’ Lucious called Cookie out about it, lettin’ her know he ain’t above another felony where his comp’ny is concerned.  Cookie nem played it off by staging a visit from that federal agent lady who pretended to be her parole officer.  Well played.

Lucious invited Cookie to the dinner party where she sat at the head of the table.  Now I don’t understand why ol’ Boo Boo Kitty constantly let Cookie disrespect her by comin’ all up in her house unannounced, sittin’ at the HEAD of her table and eatin’ up all her food but that is what be happenin’.  I could have sworn that this time, I saw Cookie let herself in with a key.  She told Boo Boo Kitty to be a good lil girl and go sit next to her daddy and do what he tells her.  Bay Bay – I hollered, cuz Boo Boo Kitty went right on and did it.  Let that woman sit at the head of her damn table in her best chair, and, in the words of that sage Ol Mistah from The Color Purple, treat her like a waiter in her own damn house.  And then Cookie, who done obviously got right with the Lord since her prison bid, prayed a prayer over the food where she also asked for a rain down of blessings for ‘hoes that hire skanks to spy on me’.  Bay Bay..I  fainted, then screamed …then got my life!

Jamal had gotten a song from Puma (the songwriter Cookie had done located who just happened to be Cuba Gooding Jr.  Lawd…it’s good to see him working again and with speakin’ roles cuz he damn near had to leave Hollywood behind Radio), which was originally Lucious’ song.  Jamal made it sound good though and Lucious talked about givin’ it to John Legend.  I screamed.

Jamal then told Lucious that he was wayyy more talented than Lucious could ever be and with that, told his boyfriend it was time to roll.  I think Lucious may have said ‘get your bitch and get out’ or maybe I just thought that cuz I had drunk them people’s wine.  They do that gay boy and his boyfriend soooo bad.  They also showed the youngest son layin’ up on them people’s pool table with the pool sticks and balls and errythang with Miss Naomi Campbell (his real woman slash mama).  Now you know I threw up a lil bit in my mouf seein’ Miss Campbell out there bad… cougarin’ for a check.  But I ain’t mad.  Them runway shows few and far between and she gettin’ on up in age fuh a model (though TRUST, she IS still EVERYTHING) so I wasn’t mad at her for snatchin’ her a few coins like them weaves she be wearin’ done snatched her edges.  No shade.  Well…not much.

Oh, I fuhgot—it appears they got an eyewitness to Bunky’s murder.  An old drunk panhandler bout to drop a dime on the Lion (Lucious Lyon).  Lucious had found out about it and asked his Penn State son (the one with the white woman) to find out what he could from the Mayor’s office.  Well his son ran up in that office and promptly ran up in Deputy Mayor Alvarez from the back.  I don’t think he even said hello.  Hell, he didn’t even take off his pants or her skirt.  Just bent her over on the people’s cherry hardwood desk on top of all them important papers and went fuh broke.

Later, his wife caught him on the phone thankin’ the deputy mayor for the info and wondered how he got her to give him all that confidential information.  Then he got thee behind her like Satan and told her that was how Deputy Mayor Alvarez liked it…and that submissive arse white woman he got told him to give it to her the same way AND to call her “Deputy Mayor Alvarez”.  Now I done seen some wild and freaky ish in my day but I ain’t neva seen no foolishness like that.  Usually when a dude calls you by somebody else’s name while you dry grindin’, it’s time for somebody to go less they get beat up or scarred up or arrested.  I was uncomfortable and glad she ain’t pull out no bib for that backside cuz Bay Bay,  I woulda had to be resuscitated from fainting.  I cain’t hardly with that lil white woman.  ‘Til next time!

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Last night’s episode found the ladies still in Puerto Rico and still reading each other for all kindsa filth.  Oh my…..that Claudia Jordan is a damn fool!  I liked that she didn’t back down and hit NeNe with all sorts of low blows (that yeah, she likely got from Wikipedia or past episodes, but that’s okay).  Y’all know I love me some NeNe (especially the one that was really down to earth and less “rich”), but I get so tired of people kissin’ up to her and scared to say boo to her, especially when she has no problem putting people down and throwin’ whole forests of SHADE.  You will be okay if NeNe is not your friend.  You will live if she talk bad about you to your face, behind your back or all on them people’s Twitter.

Claudia said she ain’t got time for Bravo to try to take her peach like they did Porsha once the Kordell well dried up.  Sheeit..she say she gon’ keep a check comin’ this season and next.  And I LOVED it.  I LIVED when she said NeNe’s hair was glued to her forehead.  And I LIVED again when she looked down in her pants and told NeNe to get off her lady parts.  LOL!  Oh, and I LIVED yet again when Porsha tried to use a big word and used it wrong (Claudia couldn’t be “a contradictory”, Porsha) and Claudia pointed it out (Kenya told y’all on the reunion show she got snatched on that Porsha ain’t know no big words and couldn’t use any correctly in a sentence).  That Claudia is quick on her heavily blistered, bunioned and corned feet.  Speaking of her feet, I’m glad we ain’t have to see them thangs in this week’s episode.  Looked like she been usin’ them knuckled thangs to scratch her back, AND dig in her garden.  Get them thangs fixed Hun!  Have ’em amputated and start ova if you can.

It was Demetria’s big performance in Puerto Rico as well.  I gotta give her props – she looked good out there (pantyhose two shades to light for her skin notwithstandin’).  I was feelin’ that “One Hunnard” song.  Like I wouldn’t buy it off Itunes but wouldn’t turn the station if it came on the radio.  Like I wouldn’t request it from a radio station, but would take a free download if one came with the purchase of a coffee at Dunkin Donuts.  The girls were late as usual, but did get to see some of her show.  They are soooo damn disrespectful.  That girl flew them all out there and put them up on that good Roger Bobb money and they can’t even be on time for her show!  I woulda made they arses fly back to the States in the BACK of the damn plane.

Of course, it’s not a party in Atlanta, Puerto Rico or any damn where without Kandi bringin’ the damn bedroom toys and sheeit with her.  She planned a party right there on the beach, and the girls had to play “hot potato” or “pass the dildo”.  NeNe won.  I’m over here lookin’ at the screen as I type this with my lips pursed.  You know she done had lots of practice.  *side eye*

The bus ride to Demetria’s show was rather eventful.  It started off with a NeNe apology and a celebration of Black women’s achievements as well as an invitation to see NeNe on Broadway in Cinderella that was delivered with a side of shade and a scoop of underhandedly.  Claudia seemed to take the apology at first and then she sorta went in again with some ol’ fastball of shade.  Porsha got a little bit too.  Claudia let everybody know that African that Porsha got, the one that paid for her car, is MARRIED.  Yasss…..said that man got a wife and a whole gang of kids.  Well I ad-libbed that part bout the kids cuz it makes it sound even WORSE.  Yass…she pretty much said Porsha out there bad, hoin’ for handbags, hedge funds, and heels.  Porsha got miiiiiggggghhhhtttttyyyy quiet.

So that was it.  Not much this week.  I will say this – ERRYBODY and DEY MAMA got an African man these days.  Are Africans the newest accessories?  Used to be just vanilla-type black people and black babies.  Damn, we ain’t nobody’s flavor of the week no’ mo….

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

I loved Whitney Houston.  She was my favorite singer of all time (with Luther Vandross sharing equal billing).  That said, I was a little bit scared about this movie so I tried to lower my expectations.  I mean Lifetime  WAS the channel behind the airing of that travesty The Aaliyah Movie, and I still ain’t forgave them for that.  I stopped watchin’ Lifetime fuh bout 2 weeks behind that foolishness.

I figured this movie would at least be a lot better because Angela Bassett was directing it.  I knew it would be a challenge to tell Whitney’s story in 2 hours and tell it well, so I understood why they chose to focus on the period where Whitney met Bobby and what happened with their love story.

First of all, Bobby Brown was a damn freak if I’m supposed to believe this movie.  And I can sorta believe it cuz he ain’t made that many kids without sexin’ a bunch of times.  That thang damn near fitty and got another chile on the way.  Also, I knew “they” said Whitney had been doin’ that coke for a while before she met Bobby, but damn…did they have to have the character do so MANY lines of coke in the movie?  I mean damn….you ain’t s’posed to speak that ill of the dead.  I’m assuming they consulted Bobby on this movie which is why it was so favorable to him.  He didn’t look much like the Bad Boy of R&B in this movie.  For instance, I could have sworn he went to jail a time or two behind back chile suppote, but this movie showed him taking care of his kids and errythang.  Holdin’ Whitney’s purse and coat at the club.  Hangin’ back.  Cheatin’ only once.

Speaking of that scene, I think Whitney was about that life.  In other words, I don’t think that frail arm-ded thang was afraid to fight.  I’m not gon’ believe she found Bobby runnin’ up in some random and she just left without at least attemptin’ a beatdown of said THOT.

They got the casting mostly right, ‘ceptin’ Bebe Winans was kinda thin.  And I ain’t know that was s’posed to be Dionne Warwick at the awards show when the movie opened up.  This was really a complicated love story with lines of coke and some good arse sangin’ by Deborah Cox thrown in so I’m just gon’ sum it up with the best five scenes (I don’t think I can get 10 out of it).

1) That first sex scene after her birthday party,  I had to check my remote to make sure this was Lifetime cuz that scene was lookin’ like it was on HBO.  It was intense…and long.  I smoked two cigarettes and damn near rolled a blunt (and y’all know I don’t do them people’s narcotic).  Whew Chile.  I loved Bobby Brown back in the day and if he was doin’ half of that, I woulda volunteered to get pregnant or had fun tryin’.

2) The scene where she suffered that miscarriage.  I knew that happened while she was filming The Bodyguard and right before she got pregnant with Bobbi Kris.  I hollered when her mama (who looked a lot like Mary J. Blige – all that was needed was the scar and the gold toof (thanks Arg)–said it was a sign that she should get rid of Bobby Brown.  Bobby showed up and I don’t even think Whit realized her mama was headed back to New Jersey.  Bobby had Whitney d-whipped!

3) The scene with the fake arse Eddie Murphy.  That thang looked like somebody ol’ arse daddy.  It was a weird scene…but pretty funny.  He damn sure had the laugh down.  I guess that’s how he got cast.

4)  The scene where Whitney returns home to find out Kim (Bobby’s 2nd baby mama?  Or was she the first?) is pregnant again.  That was crazy.  She dropped those bags and ran upstairs to the only “friend” that was there for her (outside of Robin and she wasn’t available) in a crunch – that damn cocaine.  She’da prolly felt betta if she had just went to boxin’ him all bout the head and ears instead of freebasin’.

5)  The wedding scene AND when Bobbi Kris was born – I loved when she put his hand on her tummy…but I was also simultaneously tryna figga out what the hayle Miss Cissy had on top of her head.  I googled the pic and she did wear that catastrophe.  I don’t like to speak bad about the elderly, but Miss Cissy was wrong for all them feathers hangin’ down off that hat like hair.  The scene were Bobbi Kris was born was sooo tender and sweet.  And the lil baby they casted had black lips just like Bobby.  Awww!

Okay, I will add a 6th scene – the last scene where ol’ girl lip sanked to I Will Always Love You at the end.  I stopped watching the lip synchin’ cuz it wasn’t that convincin’ but Deborah Cox (who sang all the songs) did THAT!  All of THAT.

Yeah, that’s all I got.  Not a bad movie.  I’m gonna give it a B-.  Yaya did great as a relative newcomer…the random who played Bobby did great….casting off on a few of the people (Clive was dead on!)….I always felt like Bobby and Whitney really loved each other, and I got that from this movie.  I just don’t think they were good for each other because of the drugs.  I’m gon’ hope this is like the teaser movie before the real movie though..because I think Whitney deserves a true movie about her life.  HER life.  Bobby was a part of that, but there were other parts to her as well.  I want to see a movie that depicts all of that.

So yeah, I had a conference call when Empire aired tonight so I couldn’t post nothin’..couldn’t read nothin’..could Tweet nothin’ bout Cookie and Lucious nem.  But right after the conference call was ova, I ran upstairs to watch Empire and what treachery did I find, you ask?  Well you ain’t ask but since you reading this, you obviously wanna know.  My husband was already watching it and ain’t told NOBODY!  So I politely made him rewind and watch the first 15 minutes he had already watched.  That’s what he gets for being all stealth and sheeit.  But this ain’t about him.  This is about Cookie and Lucious and they three sons and whatnots.

Cookie got it in her mind that she gon’ make a huge star out of the gay son.  The youngest son (this is how I gots to refer to ‘em cuz I don’t know they names on the show yet, and I don’t feel like googling) was all set to open up a nightclub with a performance.  Cookie wanted the gay son (Jamal!  It just came to me!) to be on the stage at the nightclub as well.  She thought this could be his coming out party, lit’rally and fig’ratively.  Now, one thing we done learned about Cookie is she inappropriate as hayle – she ain’t got no problems bargin’ up in Lucious house, or his office, or even the office baff-room if he up in it and she wants to talk to him.  Wait…we actually know two things bout Cookie cuz we know she be hungry as HAYLE.  Oh heck…we actually know three things cuz we know that thang ain’t met a leopard print fur she ain’t like.

Cookie barged up into that man’s (Lucious’) house on tonight’s episode.  I’m talmbout all in his gated community, at the damn gate, mouthin’ “open up this damn doe” to the security camera.  Now, if I’da been Lucious, I woulda pretended to not be home and not answered, but he still got a lil bit of love for his baby mama so he opened up the gates AND paid for the cab when she got out and told him to.  Lucious current woman saw Cookie at the gate and went and put on her a good matchin’ set of La Perla underwear and pretended to come in the room so Lucious could help her “get dressed”.  In other words, she threw a whole forest of shade at Cookie by letting her see what Lucious be workin’ wit and out erry night.  Cookie just looked at her like she was stank, and basically told Lucious to fix her a damn sammich cuz she was hungry.  As usual.

Now you got to be some kinda ‘that beetch’ to show up to your ex-husband house after being divorced for 17 years and have his “help” fix you a snack.  Matta fact, Cookie’s arse was sittin’ at the head of the table, just eatin’ up all the grapes and sheeit.  Boo Boo Kitty (Cookie’s name for Lucious’ girlfriend) snatched the grapes and was bout to throw mo’ shade til Cookie told her “that was my money, MY money (while she hit her chest for effect, or maybe I am just ad-libbin’ for effect) that bought this house, started this company and paid for them ol’ stank lacy drawls you just had on”.  Lucious had to remind Cookie about the non-disclosure agreement she signed – in other words, you ain’t s’pose to speak of that drug money situation evah again.  Now he does realize ain’t no honor among thieves and ex-cons right?  So the odds of Cookie following that non-disclosure agreement are pretty much negative zero.

Lucious told her Jamal was not going to perform with the youngest son…which made Cookie then show up to his job and bust up in the conference room, yet again, wearing a leopard print concoction that included a hat.  Looked like she was headed to an Ali fight in that full fur with the matching hat.  Lucious was in the conference room trying to handle one of his problem artists while convincing him to perform with the youngest son at the club openin’.  Cookie insulted said artist, who then proceeded to call her a beetch while standin’ up to fight her like she was a man I guess.  Cookie had to remind him that she done done HARD time with women who were wayyyy more man than him.  I SCREAMED.  That Cookie don’t back down for sheeit.

Precious was back on the show as Lucious assistant, looking wrong as hayle again in that sleeveless dress and that blond skunk wig.  I was trying to find one good thing to say about her character and I thought I liked her shoes til I realized they were supposed to be stilettos and she had worn them down to kitten heels.  She used Lucious’ personal bathroom and found his pills and googled them, discovering that Lucious has ALS and there is no cure.  He confirmed that he was dying to her and asked her to keep his secret.  I’da been askin’ for EXTRA coinage for that favor and would have turned in my resignation letter and started cleanin’ out my office that day.  I don’t keep secrets for rich foke without receivin’ compensation.

The oldest son (the Penn State grad with the MBA and the white woman) is bi-polar and it’s apparently life-threatening.  He ain’t been taking his pills and keeps cancelling his dr’s appointments.  This led to a scene that had me scratching my head at first, cuz the wife went in the kitchen drawer and took out a bib that she hugged him with.  I was like ‘damn they got a baby?’ cuz I hadn’t seent one.  She then put it around her neck and dropped to her knees.  Yeah….that’s pretty much all I gots to say about that other than they wild on Fox.  That and don’t y’all be takin’ y’all baby’s bibs at home and be usin’ them for evil!

The youngest son had controversy surrounding him this episode because he showed his privates on video in a public place (nice restaurant) and then went on a rant about President Obama being a sell-out, etc. in front of a bunch of good white people.  Now, I know this is scripted but I ain’t like that one bit.  Betta not nobody say nothin’ bad about JESUS, Martin Luther King Jr and Barack Obama.  They are off-limits!  They did show Lucious tryna apologize to President Obama, and he got what he shoulda got – a dial tone. I SCREAMED again!  LOL!

Jamal was supposed to come to a press conference his mama set up so he could come out to the world.  He didn’t show up cuz his daddy (Lucious) threatened to cut him off.  For Lucious to have tried to put him in a trashcan when he was younger, he must care about his son cuz his arse is payin’ for everything – clothes, shoes, food, a $12,000 love nest for Jamal and his boo (Cookie called his boo “Dora” – I HOLLERED), his new piano, snacks, etc.  Of course, that made Cookie mad but she got what she wanted in the end – the two brothers performed together onstage and the audience loved it even if at first, Lucious was surprised to see it go down.

Lucious attempted to apologize to Cookie after the performance, and said that his artist should have never called her a beetch and that’s why he dropped him from the label (they had another meeting where Cookie had busted up in the elevator with errybody in it – that thang don’t care where she bust up in – and the artist called her a beetch again.  Cookie couldn’t believe her son nor Lucious came to her defense, and Boo Boo Kitty laughed.  Cookie tried to run up on Boo Kitty in the elevator and do a Solange, but they held her back).  Boo Boo Kitty saw the interaction between Cookie and Lucious at the club and came over to talk crazy.  Cookie told Lucious ‘you need to drop that young bitch’ and then Boo Boo Kitty said ‘he prolly will…when I’m your age’.  That little close cropped haircut thang can READ.  She told Cookie ‘but by then you will be 110’, and I LIVED Chile.  I don’t know if that thang went to college, but she had to go to somebody’s readin’ school.

Oh, they found Bunky (?) ‘s (the bodyguard who is Cookie’s cousin) body floating in the river.  They showed it on TV, and I threw up in my mouth.  Fox will show any damn thang!  Lucious fake cried knowin’ he kilt that man and vowed to get revenge on whoever did it.  Bunky ain’t leave sheeit, so I hope he ain’t got no wife and kids.  Cuz all they had for him was that big arse gold chain, and one of Cookie’s boys got that.  Looks like Cookie is caught up in some undercover sheeit, working as an informant against Lucious and Empire.  She betta be careful.  We know Lucious don’t care who he shoot and kill down by the river.  See ya next week!

Celebrity Apprentice is sooo good this season.  Trump might not be good at pickin’ out toupees with scalp realness but he damn sho’ put together a good mix of participants this time.  Some say Kenya Mo’ is a lot to take, and yes, she is a HUGE personality.  But she is PERFECT for this show.  The right mix of brains and beauty, she is articulate in the boardroom and states her position without becoming overly emotional.  She got a lot of business sense, and I think she is going to go far this season.

So tonight’s episode was the standard two hours with two people going home.  I love that.  No sense in dragging out ONE task for two hours and sending home one person.  The first task was creating a health/fitness spread for Cosmo magazine.  The men’s team jumped right in with Johnny Damon and his wife as the models for their “Love Your Selfie” campaign.  T.O. came up with the final slogan after Juh-raldo (Geraldo) came up with the initial concept of using selfies.  He (Juh-raldo) also took credit for inventing selfies.  Now, I don’t know about that and don’t care enough to try to google or Wikipedia those “facts” but if Al Gore can create the Internet, then I guess his claim is plausible.

Juh-raldo also took off his shirt and pants for his selfie in the campaign and left me and a lot of the viewing public blind in the process.  That thang gotta be errybit o’ 70, and though he didn’t look bad…it was sorta like seeing your granddaddy in his drawls.  Not somethin’ you EVAH wanna do, not even for a lot of money.

On the girls side, Jamie Anderson (Olympic gold medalist) stepped up to be the project manager.  I knew when they showed her with that blank look on her face during the initial planning meeting she’d end up losing and fiyah’ed.  Any time you need a health/fitness model that looks good in workout clothes and got a killer body, and you got Kenya Moore, former Miss USA at your disposal and you don’t use her for that…well yeah, you deserve to everything you get including a loss and a pink slip.  She actually picked Brandi Glanville (RHOBH) to be the model.  And that made me mad cuz Brandi started givin’ excuses on why she couldn’t do sexy poses in a lil bit of clothin’.  Talmbout she done had two kids and ain’t got abs.  Talmbout she ain’t worked out in fi’ weeks.  Talmbout she ain’t got no booty to tooch, while throwin’ shade at Kenya talmbout Kenya’s arse was sto-bought.  Yeah, you got too many damn excuses…then you should keep your clothes on and do something else for the task like shopping (see Kate Gosselin’s role in EVERY challenge).  I bet if they had given her a few Skinny Girl vodka tonics and surrounded her with a bunch of gay men, she’da took off all her clothes.  Or if they’da threatened to bring in LeAnn Rimes (her ex-husband’s wife), she’da gotten nekkid.

So you guessed it, the men won.  You gotta suck some kinda bad when you lose a Cosmopolitan magazine challenge to a group of men.  Hayle, it’s a women’s mag!  Jamie screwed up royally in her decision to bring back Kate Gosselin and Kenya Mo’ instead of bringing ol’ toxic arse Brandi Glanville back.  Her indecisiveness and poor decision makin’ got her fiyah’ed.  I don’t even wanna see her doin’ press tomar.

The next task was fundraising through selling wedding dresses.  It pitted Ian Ziering (90210) and Juh-raldo against each other in a peein’ contest for who was gon’ be the head rooster in the henhouse.  Shawn’s period musta still be on cuz she had a blank look on her face throughout most of the challenge.  And then Brandi had a panic attack and had to leave.  I swear I need medication between the two of them and they ailments!  Trump mixed the teams up a little bit so you had diversity in the teams for a change.  Kate Gosselin ended up on Juh-raldo’s team, and immediately concerned me when Juh-raldo asked her how much she had and she said 50,000.  I was like um, Kate, he means money…not kids.  The teams raised a ton of money, $600,000, but Juh-raldo beat Ian by $2,500!  Ian brought back Johnny Damon and Terrell Owens.  T.O. raised the least amount of money, which was surprising to me because he’s played on several NFL teams..you mean he couldn’t call none of his old QBs for a little bit of cash?  I felt bad for him cuz that means he ain’t got no rich friends, and his old rich teammates done pretty much stopped talkin’ to him.  He raised like $20 and that was pitiful.  Hayle, I woulda gave him $50 and I don’t even know him.  But, then I was wondering who he could call for money that he hasn’t already called. I mean he broke,  “supposably” and behind on child suppote, so if he had anybody to call, he already made that call to raise money for his damn self.

So you guessed it..Trump had no choice but to cut him from the team.  Damn…T.O. always being cut from a damn team!  In this case, though, he handled it with the utmost class.  He gained a lot of respect from me and his teammates on how he behaved during his stint on Celebrity Apprentice.  I want to see him do well.  Here’s hoping Trump…or somebody…recognizes that T.O. can be great with the right opportunity and gives him one.  I want to see him be successful (just like Ian was saying but when did Ian become a motivational speaker?  I thought he was a Chippendale dancer?) and not have to do a follow-up show with Iyanla Vanzant where she straddles him and rubs his back in a circle while sayin’ “Be-Love-Ed” and “Woo Woo Woo”.

Next week, Joan Rivers is on the show….in her last television appearance (series).  I’m sure it’s going to make me break out the tissues….