Empire Recap – She’s One Tough Cookie in a Fur (Boo Boo Kitty Ain’t Got Nothin’ on Her)

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The show opened with that new artist gul shootin’ a video and Lucious’ youngest son smilin’ at her and liftin’ dranks to her, which tipped off Lucious that the two had been dry grindin’ and knew each other intimately.  Lucious decided to have a dinner at his house to welcome ol’ girl to the fam’ly because once you smash on Empire, you gots to take said smashee home.  Apparently, that is an unwritten rule or somethin’ in they fam’ly.  There was a background rapper in the video who had major attitude during the shoot, and her manager (slash cousin, slash bodyguard, slash driver, slash cook) rolled up on Lucious talmbout how Lucious knew the rapper gul shoulda been out front.  Said he was gon’ make Lucious live up to erry promise he made to that rapper gul when he signed her.  This while eatin’ an ol’ nasty jelly donut with sprankles.  Ain’t nobody gon’ take a 300 lb man eatin’ a donut with sprankles seriously.

Lucious told the manager to step into his office (which was a trailer that was on the set) so they could talk in private.  On his way in, he borrowed one of his security foke’s canes.  Yep..you know what came next.  All you heard was Lucious taggin’ that arse with them people’s cane.  I think he used the handle part to beat that dude up.  And then he fiyah’ed him as ol’ girl’s mgr on the way out and told the security detail ol’ dude had had an accident (apparently, his head hit that cane handle repeatedly) and they needed to clean him up.  LOL!  Lucious ain’t hardly livin’ right.  That thang be murderin’, physically assaulting or threatenin’ somebody erry show.

Of course, Cookie musta got a text to her phone sayin’ that Lucious nem was doin’ the video shoot and/or havin’ a private meeting cuz she showed up outta nowhere wearin’ what else?  A full length  white fuh coat..this time void of leopard prints and such.  That thang say she ain’t gon’ stop wearin’ animals til she get half her comp’ny back.  She told Lucious he betta be glad she had somewhere else to be  and ain’t feel like causin’ a scene cuz she woulda came up in that video shoot and shut it down.  Sheeit..I was mad she had somewhere to be..I love when she set it off up in them people’s boardrooms.  He told her she looked nice.  I cain’t with these two.

Cookie still had her ol’ assistant, lookin’ like a broke arse Fantasia bout to sang Truth Is, working fuh her and tryna sign artists and songwriters.  I’m completely baffled why she won’t just fiyah that chick cuz she is the WORST employee evah.  Y’all know Cookie still tryna make a starruh oughta her gay son, Jamal.  I wouldn’t keep sayin’ he gay, but they keep remindin’ you on the show, so I just wanna be consistent.  Cookie realized that she needed to find her ol’ songwriter (Puma) to give Jamal that one hit to take his career to the next level.

They funeralized Bunky on this episode.  Lucious was wearin’ an all-white errythang suit lookin’ like the devil with them red eyes.  Talmbout how much he loveded Bunky, and how he cared fuh Bunky.  Knowin’ he the one that put that bullet square in Bunky’s temple.  Cookie was at the fun’ral too, with her sister (Tasha from all them Tyler Perry shows and movies).  I had heard in real-life that Tasha is goin’ through it with her husband and he tryna take errythang she got includin’ her phone so I was happy to see her on Fox’s payroll).  I was surprised though at how they dressed her, lookin’ like a broke arse Miss Celie when she went to her daddy’s fun’ral and found out “paw…NOT paw”.  At least Miss Celie got an inheritance at that fun’ral and did the cha cha cha dance on that gravel road cuz she got a house.  Tasha is wayyy too fabulous for that Aunt Esther church hat.  Hupp…Glo-ray!  Sometimes, I just feel it when I’m bloggin’ ‘specially when I go to talmbout 70s icons.

Miss Boo Boo Kitty (Lucious’ woman) had a private eye follow Cookie, and had photos of her with five O.  You know that murderin’ Lucious called Cookie out about it, lettin’ her know he ain’t above another felony where his comp’ny is concerned.  Cookie nem played it off by staging a visit from that federal agent lady who pretended to be her parole officer.  Well played.

Lucious invited Cookie to the dinner party where she sat at the head of the table.  Now I don’t understand why ol’ Boo Boo Kitty constantly let Cookie disrespect her by comin’ all up in her house unannounced, sittin’ at the HEAD of her table and eatin’ up all her food but that is what be happenin’.  I could have sworn that this time, I saw Cookie let herself in with a key.  She told Boo Boo Kitty to be a good lil girl and go sit next to her daddy and do what he tells her.  Bay Bay – I hollered, cuz Boo Boo Kitty went right on and did it.  Let that woman sit at the head of her damn table in her best chair, and, in the words of that sage Ol Mistah from The Color Purple, treat her like a waiter in her own damn house.  And then Cookie, who done obviously got right with the Lord since her prison bid, prayed a prayer over the food where she also asked for a rain down of blessings for ‘hoes that hire skanks to spy on me’.  Bay Bay..I  fainted, then screamed …then got my life!

Jamal had gotten a song from Puma (the songwriter Cookie had done located who just happened to be Cuba Gooding Jr.  Lawd…it’s good to see him working again and with speakin’ roles cuz he damn near had to leave Hollywood behind Radio), which was originally Lucious’ song.  Jamal made it sound good though and Lucious talked about givin’ it to John Legend.  I screamed.

Jamal then told Lucious that he was wayyy more talented than Lucious could ever be and with that, told his boyfriend it was time to roll.  I think Lucious may have said ‘get your bitch and get out’ or maybe I just thought that cuz I had drunk them people’s wine.  They do that gay boy and his boyfriend soooo bad.  They also showed the youngest son layin’ up on them people’s pool table with the pool sticks and balls and errythang with Miss Naomi Campbell (his real woman slash mama).  Now you know I threw up a lil bit in my mouf seein’ Miss Campbell out there bad… cougarin’ for a check.  But I ain’t mad.  Them runway shows few and far between and she gettin’ on up in age fuh a model (though TRUST, she IS still EVERYTHING) so I wasn’t mad at her for snatchin’ her a few coins like them weaves she be wearin’ done snatched her edges.  No shade.  Well…not much.

Oh, I fuhgot—it appears they got an eyewitness to Bunky’s murder.  An old drunk panhandler bout to drop a dime on the Lion (Lucious Lyon).  Lucious had found out about it and asked his Penn State son (the one with the white woman) to find out what he could from the Mayor’s office.  Well his son ran up in that office and promptly ran up in Deputy Mayor Alvarez from the back.  I don’t think he even said hello.  Hell, he didn’t even take off his pants or her skirt.  Just bent her over on the people’s cherry hardwood desk on top of all them important papers and went fuh broke.

Later, his wife caught him on the phone thankin’ the deputy mayor for the info and wondered how he got her to give him all that confidential information.  Then he got thee behind her like Satan and told her that was how Deputy Mayor Alvarez liked it…and that submissive arse white woman he got told him to give it to her the same way AND to call her “Deputy Mayor Alvarez”.  Now I done seen some wild and freaky ish in my day but I ain’t neva seen no foolishness like that.  Usually when a dude calls you by somebody else’s name while you dry grindin’, it’s time for somebody to go less they get beat up or scarred up or arrested.  I was uncomfortable and glad she ain’t pull out no bib for that backside cuz Bay Bay,  I woulda had to be resuscitated from fainting.  I cain’t hardly with that lil white woman.  ‘Til next time!

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

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