RHOA Recap – Housewives Gone Wild in Puerto Rico & Readin’ Each Other Like Overdue “Lie-berry” Books

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Last night’s episode found the ladies still in Puerto Rico and still reading each other for all kindsa filth.  Oh my…..that Claudia Jordan is a damn fool!  I liked that she didn’t back down and hit NeNe with all sorts of low blows (that yeah, she likely got from Wikipedia or past episodes, but that’s okay).  Y’all know I love me some NeNe (especially the one that was really down to earth and less “rich”), but I get so tired of people kissin’ up to her and scared to say boo to her, especially when she has no problem putting people down and throwin’ whole forests of SHADE.  You will be okay if NeNe is not your friend.  You will live if she talk bad about you to your face, behind your back or all on them people’s Twitter.

Claudia said she ain’t got time for Bravo to try to take her peach like they did Porsha once the Kordell well dried up.  Sheeit..she say she gon’ keep a check comin’ this season and next.  And I LOVED it.  I LIVED when she said NeNe’s hair was glued to her forehead.  And I LIVED again when she looked down in her pants and told NeNe to get off her lady parts.  LOL!  Oh, and I LIVED yet again when Porsha tried to use a big word and used it wrong (Claudia couldn’t be “a contradictory”, Porsha) and Claudia pointed it out (Kenya told y’all on the reunion show she got snatched on that Porsha ain’t know no big words and couldn’t use any correctly in a sentence).  That Claudia is quick on her heavily blistered, bunioned and corned feet.  Speaking of her feet, I’m glad we ain’t have to see them thangs in this week’s episode.  Looked like she been usin’ them knuckled thangs to scratch her back, AND dig in her garden.  Get them thangs fixed Hun!  Have ’em amputated and start ova if you can.

It was Demetria’s big performance in Puerto Rico as well.  I gotta give her props – she looked good out there (pantyhose two shades to light for her skin notwithstandin’).  I was feelin’ that “One Hunnard” song.  Like I wouldn’t buy it off Itunes but wouldn’t turn the station if it came on the radio.  Like I wouldn’t request it from a radio station, but would take a free download if one came with the purchase of a coffee at Dunkin Donuts.  The girls were late as usual, but did get to see some of her show.  They are soooo damn disrespectful.  That girl flew them all out there and put them up on that good Roger Bobb money and they can’t even be on time for her show!  I woulda made they arses fly back to the States in the BACK of the damn plane.

Of course, it’s not a party in Atlanta, Puerto Rico or any damn where without Kandi bringin’ the damn bedroom toys and sheeit with her.  She planned a party right there on the beach, and the girls had to play “hot potato” or “pass the dildo”.  NeNe won.  I’m over here lookin’ at the screen as I type this with my lips pursed.  You know she done had lots of practice.  *side eye*

The bus ride to Demetria’s show was rather eventful.  It started off with a NeNe apology and a celebration of Black women’s achievements as well as an invitation to see NeNe on Broadway in Cinderella that was delivered with a side of shade and a scoop of underhandedly.  Claudia seemed to take the apology at first and then she sorta went in again with some ol’ fastball of shade.  Porsha got a little bit too.  Claudia let everybody know that African that Porsha got, the one that paid for her car, is MARRIED.  Yasss…..said that man got a wife and a whole gang of kids.  Well I ad-libbed that part bout the kids cuz it makes it sound even WORSE.  Yass…she pretty much said Porsha out there bad, hoin’ for handbags, hedge funds, and heels.  Porsha got miiiiiggggghhhhtttttyyyy quiet.

So that was it.  Not much this week.  I will say this – ERRYBODY and DEY MAMA got an African man these days.  Are Africans the newest accessories?  Used to be just vanilla-type black people and black babies.  Damn, we ain’t nobody’s flavor of the week no’ mo….

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

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