Power Episode 507 – Everybody Hunched Except Mak and Sax

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I swear everybody in this episode got it in except for those two.  I think that’s why they stay trying to take down Proctor, Angela, Ghost, Tommy, the Jimenez, Two Bit, Councilman Tate….hell errybody…because they need girlfriends and something to do.  At one point, I was watching both Angela and Ghost get it in AND Terry Silver and Tasha get it in – I’m talmbout it was like watching a tennis match with my head moving back and forth.  I needed a strong cocktail and a cigarette and I don’t even smoke!  Chyle…..

I was REALLY rooting for Tasha because I ain’t believe for one second that Terry Silver was gon’ go to jail on a perjury charge for her.  She talmbout that man love her.  I ain’t even sure of that.  I just know whenever Ghost comes around, that thane (Silver)’s eyes get THIS BIG.  Terry wouldn’t last 2.5 seconds in them people’s prison.  Tasha shoulda put her WHOLE back into that make out session.

Angela still out here acting like a WHOLE criminal in these streets.  I swear Ghost turns everybody that fools with his arse into a dead person or a prisoner (or would-be prisoner).  That thane done started plotting with Tommy to take out John Mak.  And that thane (Mak) wants Angela’s head on a platter so bad, he doesn’t even see it coming.  She tried offering him a job somewhere else.  I’m hoping he takes it or he gon’ end up Tommy’s next victim.

Speaking of Tommy, he called Terisi “dad” tonight.  That sheeit ain’t even sound right.  Terisi had Tommy accompany him for a pick up where the dude had put weights inside the suitcase with the money.  Like Terisi ol’ arse wasn’t gonna check.  You know they lit that dude up with a power drill, right?  I swear some of these criminals and mob people on this show are the worst at their damn jobs.  And then Tommy started running his mouth about all the people he done cancelled Christmas for.  I swear he has known these people for like 5 seconds, and telling ERRYTHANE.  Terisi was like that white lady who called the cops on them people barbecuing – in FULL snitch mode.

Terisi even invited Tommy over for dinner with him and Connie with the hopes Tommy would incriminate himself even more.  Terisi had confirmed earlier that Tommy was indeed his son to Connie — she already knew — and she slapped the natural taste out of Terisi’s mouth before saying she forgave him.  Tommy slighted his mom behind Terisi so of course, Kate came to that lady (Connie’s) house to confront them all.  When I tell you if I was Connie, Kate woulda caught these hands.  I don’t care what stage of cancer I was in – or how many years it had been since Kate had an affair with my husband and produced an outside child.  You the side chick and you got the audacity to come up in my house and spit on my floor AND call me a bad word?  Oh yeah, your polyester fake fur wearing arse bout to catch ALL these hands.  I’m convinced Terisi ain’t in no mob.

I didn’t do a recap last week but now Dre and Ghost have partnered up to rid each other of “problems”.  Ghost was supposed to get rid of Diego but sent Kanan to do it instead.  Dre was supposed to get rid of Peter, but Kanan tipped him off so he would get away because Kanan wants to take over Tommy’s organization.  Diego’s sister was right – Diego deserved to get got.  Letting Dre throw him a party complete with hoes and coming in with ONE lieutenant thinking he bout to hunch and following signs on the floor that said “coochie this way”.  Of course, the signs led to Kanan who popped both they arses, cut them up and put them in a Louis Vuitton bag.  Hey, at least he carried ’em out in style.  Two Bit (Francis) working with Kanan and double crossing Dre because he just wants to be somebody’s number two.  He ain’t smart enough to be a number one.  I’m trying to figure out how Ghost thinks he can trust Dre.  Dre told Two Bit nem to take his arse (Ghost) out after Ghost killed Diego.

Kanan double crossing Ghost AND Tommy and playing them against each other.  I blame them both because Kanan is NOT to be trusted.  You don’t burn somebody’s arse up within 1/2 inch of their crusty arse life AFTER you sent him to prison and the reason he had to kill his son but y’all boys now.  Come on Ghost.  You KNOW better.  Imma need you to go back to hustling school cuz you done lost your edge.  Or seven.  Kanan took Diego’s body to Peter and told him he did what Ghost and Tommy couldn’t do and as a favor (for Kanan saving his life and getting him out of that hotel so Dre couldn’t pop him), he wants to take over as the new distro.  Peter agreed but told him he’d have to take out Ghost and Tommy but K’s plan is to have them take out each other behind trust issues.  Chyle….

Proctor got his license back and hadn’t had it for 20 seconds before Tommy was telling him about some more crimes and murders he done committed.  I swear Ghost and Tommy won’t let Proctor be great.  Tommy got back with Keisha – they hunched and he spent the night and got up and made cold cereal for breakfast. I don’t even know if he used milk.  He coulda at least made some eggs.  Cuz well Keisha put her back into it and erryody knows how to make eggs.  *shrugs*

Terisi told Mak and Saxe that Ghost was really behind the guard’s murder in prison and set it up to make it look like Biscuit did it and he would testify.  I’m just in awe of how quickly Terisi became a damn rat when he stayed in prison for 25 years because he wasn’t one. He is the WORST mobster ever and I hate those purple sunglasses.  He barely killed that man tonight and needed help.  Oh Tate got GOT finally – Ghost done found out he been skimming funds from the QueensChild Project (QCP) and got receipts.  He tried to fire Ghost from the QCP and Ghost said kneegro I AM THE QCP.

Of course, Ghost can’t neva leave well enough alone.  After Tasha told him that Silver was gonna lie for her and help cover up Raymond Jones’ murder, Ghost got in his feels and went to see that man.  Silver then sent Tasha a one line text asking her to come over so he could show her something.  When Tasha went to that man’s apartment, it was dark and empty.  Tasha done had two Ghosts – James St. Patrick and Silver (who done got Ghost).  Bay Bay I hollered!  Silver had packed up that entire apartment down to the sofa bed they had just hunched and grinded on and had the electricity, gas AND water cut off.  Tasha couldn’t even wash her hands or turn on a light.  I hollered again.  He didn’t even leave her arse a real note.  He put “bye” on a yellow sticky.  I bet Silver on his way to Mexico with a new damn face.  I swear something must be wrong with Tasha – that thane cain’t keep a man in a steel bucket with a brick top, glued and taped down, with the whole thane reinforced in concrete.

So with Silver skipping town, it looks like Tasha gotta turn herself in as Raymond Jones’ murderer.  Why we still care about a dirty cop living in a trap house being murdered is beyond me.  Jukebox been dead 10 episodes and ain’t nobody said sheeit about her.  Wasn’t she a cop too?

Follow me on Twitter @soshaydee cuz my tweets about #PowerStarz #Power and #PowerTV are straight FIRE

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Power Episode 505 – Happy Birthday Now Take This Wrong Arse Cake

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That’s what the episode should have been titled.  It was the twins’ birthday but y’all know Tariq got Raina killed so she wasn’t around to celebrate hers.  When Tariq asked Tasha if she wished he was the one who died instead of Raina, I was yelling YESSSSS! at the damn tv.  Raina didn’t deserve that sheeit.  Tariq’s drunk off “lean” big headed arse did.  But at any rate, Tasha was determined to celebrate the day for Tariq.  I wouldn’t have. I would have told him to stay his arse at Choate.

Tasha tried picking up a birthday cake and the baker who obviously has been providing birthday cakes for the twins for years asked her if she wanted both the strawberry and the chocolate because he ain’t been watching the news and didn’t know Raina was in the Upper Room.  I felt like Tasha ordered the wrong cake because she asked for strawberry and not the chocolate, but Tariq IS somewhat of a beetch arse, so I figured it was for him.  Of course it was the wrong cake (Silver picked it up, trying to one up Ghost but didn’t look in the box – who does that?  Hell I always check a birthday cake when I buy it.  You ain’t sending me home with a cake that says Happy Barmitzvah….but I digress.  Silver got all that law school training but can’t make sure he got the right cake?)

Dre is all in with Councilman Tate as I try to figure out why they both are still alive.  Ghost finally lost it and hemmed up Tate and almost choked him out at Truth in front of everybody at the fundraiser for Raina’s project.  Tate borrowed a line for Menace to Society — you know you done effed up, right? — and I hollered.

Meanwhile, Kanan causing all kinds of chaos.  And he set it off with the best supporting  character to hit Power since Pink Sneakers.  Kendrick Lamar was amazing as Laces, an intelligent “flackahead” (crackhead) who helped Kanan take down some of Cristobal’s team.  He first sold Kanan a bike, allowing him to do a Debo from Friday-style drive-by.  And then Laces took another one of Cristobal’s boys off his square by making him think too deeply about an issue which resulted in Kanan blowin’ ol’ dudes brains out.

And just when it looked like Laces was gon’ die (Kanan put a gun in his back), he asked Kanan who he was (in other words, I ain’t telling sheeit…none of this sheeit happened, I don’t even KNOW you kneegro, etc.).  Laces then told Kanan he need some Cymbalta cuz he (Kanan) ain’t got no friends and lives a lonely arse life.  Laces been in somebody’s house watching commercials because he knew all the side effects of Cymbalta (nut burns????!).  Kanan wiped off the murder weapon, gave it to Laces and told him to sell it.  Methinks we will be seeing Laces again.  And is there ANYTHING Kendrick Lamar can’t do?

Dre got fired on his day off (that Truth non-compete) and told Diego it was all Ghost’s fault so Diego said they gotta take Ghost out.  Tommy still hanging with Daddy Dearest (who almost killed his longtime friend to save Tommy) who is ratting Tommy out behind his back.  Tommy deserves that sheeit if he lets it happen – Terisi ain’t paid a lick of child support but you claiming him as your daddy, Tommy?  You better listen to your mama.

Angela finally got the tracker off Tommy’s car and asked him to work with her.  He got it back from her (I’m still not sure why) but said he’s not a rat.  He got something up his sleeves.  Tasha mama gave Silver the business when he came through with that wrong, dry arse cake.  Proctor, you still in danger, Girl.  Ghost went home drunk and got put out of his own house (where he is paying the rent) by Tasha after he swung on Tariq.  Lawd I wish he had connected!  And Ghost met with that preacher who asked him what he wanted.  Ghost said to be a better man…which led him to Angela’s house.  I’m sure he will be hunching her in episode 506.

Follow me on Twitter (hell Power does – they are even sending me swag because they used my Tweet!) and Facebook @soshaydee and share these recaps. Help your girl come up.  I got a child to raise!

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Power Episode S5 E4 – Trust No One

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I didn’t know what to call this review honestly.  The episode was all over the place, but I think the common theme was the use of the word family even when there was so much mistrust.  I really like Tommy but he is such a loose cannon.  I’m with Kanan – he got a new daddy and it’s better to him than a new puppy.  Terisi been in Tommy’s life 3.2 minutes and Tommy is really going to trust him?  Terisi is the same man who never took Tommy for ice cream when he was little….never taught him how to ride a bike and never paid $2 in child support but now he is Daddy Dearest?  Of course he is willing to throw Tommy under a bus and rat him out to the Feds – he really does not consider Tommy family.

Meanwhile, I don’t trust Kanan either – somebody set your Black arse on fire and left you for dead, but now you cool with them?  Working with them?  I don’t know why people keep trusting him either.  Those two drug boys should have known not to trust K when he gave them some guns from the 1990s and a box of blanks so they could “pretend” to do a drive-by.  They almost deserved to die for being stupid.

That takes us to Angie Valdez.  I KNEW her pillow talking with that man she met in a hallway was gonna come back to bite her in her narrow, bony arse.  And it did in a big way.  She FINALLY got the Jimenez but had to let them go when her one night stand showed up with papers to get them out.  She didn’t even know that man and told him all about how she was gonna take that Cartel down.  She deserved to be put on a PIP at the end of this episode.

That takes us to Ghost and Councilman Tate.  I’m still trying to figure out why Ghost vigilante-ly stabbed a stranger but is letting Tate (and Dre) live so abundantly.  He KNOWS he can’t trust that dude, but is still letting Tate control him.  Now Tate has signed Dre on to the QueensChild Project Board.  Dre doing everything he can not to die but his time has gotta be up before the season is over.

That takes us to Proctor.  He is working with Ghost and Tommy but he knows criminals can’t be trusted.  He still has that laptop though but looks like he won’t be in possession of a law license soon.  John Mak ain’t gon stop until he takes Proctor down (along with Ghost and Angela) unless somebody sends him on home to glory.

What else?  Oh, Tasha finally got tired of that fake arse marriage and those fake arse living arrangements, so she moved out.  And took the baby with her.  I was so hoping when I saw those toys/bags packed up, that the little girl was on her way to a foster home.  I forget about her just like her Ghost and Tasha.  Silver still lurking around so I am sure he will be nekkid with Tasha in the next episode now that she got her own little apartment.

Kanan set up a fake hit to get in with the Italians.  Speaking of them, they need more mob training.  One of them gets shot and/or killed EVERY episode.  They are the worst “family” ever.  K is trying to sow distrust into their relationship with Tommy.

Both Angie and Ghost hit rock bottom this episode, so they ended it up with each other in the last scene.  As much as I hate to say it, they have MAD chemistry (I rolled my eyes when I typed that).  They just can’t stay away from each other no matter how hard they try.  Angela JUST got that promotion and is getting back in with a known criminal.  I guess Ghost got that thane…for Angela.  He gave it to that investor last week and she didn’t leave not NARE check.  He did all that licking and sticking (and picking that lady up – coulda got a hernia!) and ain’t get not ONE donation from that lady for the QueensChild Project.  Ghost done lost a step or 7.  It may be good for him to go on back to Angela.

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook @ SoShaydee ….you won’t regret it!

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Power Premiere – Tariq’s Dumb Arse

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I was trying to think of a profound title, but this is all I got.  I swear that big head slow learners’ class drunk off of lean arse boy got dumber over the break.  Let’s get into this review so I can get back to work at my paying job.  Because for all 27 of y’all that read this blog, ain’t nobody started a GOFUNDME to get none of my bills paid, but I digress.

They called this one “Everyone is Implicated” but they could have called it Tariq still dumb and Angela still committing felonies because she still loves James St. Patrick.  I ain’t that mad at Angela though because Ghost IS fine.  I would get put on probation or something behind him too so I would have done just what Angela did – deleted them records like a G.

We finally got to attend Raina’s funeral which that dirty councilman (played by Larenz Tate) had turned into an episode of Love and Hip Hop, bringing in media and cameras and whatnots.  And a church full of foke Tasha nem ain’t know.  Ain’t nothing worse than having a bunch of people at the repast, and you got 3 buckets of chicken.  And then had the nerve to tell Tommy “you can’t sit with us”.  But that was okay, because Tommy sat on the next pew and held Keisha’s hand (that was sweet, cuz y’all know that thane (Tommy) is a killer).

Ghost jacked up Tariq before the funeral trying to get information and telling Tariq that he was the reason Raina was dead.  He should have gotten an extension cord and confronted Tariq with that.  I swear that boy needs a James Evans’ from Good Times beating.

Tasha still out here trying to save Tariq behind Ray Ray’s murder, so she got with Angela trying to get her to cover up sheeit and hide evidence.  Angela was hesitant at first, but Tasha told her that she pretty much owed it to her since she tore Tasha’s family apart.  Of course, Angela deleted the record from her computer.  But she logged in as someone else.  Because who cares about an IP address?  Especially when your colleagues are looking at you funny anyway because they know you are hiding something.  I guess the wife and the side chick CAN work together if it’s for the children.  Outside of that, I ain’t got nothing for a side chick but these hands.

Tasha also asked Keisha to lie for her and tell the cops that she and Tariq were home all night if someone comes around asking.  I swear Keisha gon’ get killed aiding and abetting.  The operative word in ride or die is DIE.  Keisha needs new friends.  Some that are not criminals.

There were some good one-liners last night:  Ghost:  “Kanan, how we know we can trust you, man?”  Kanan:  “You set me on fire, ninja, not the other way around…”  and  Father Kyle’s Hitta:  “He was the only good white guy I ever met….”  (White) Tommy:  “Me too…”  Chile I hollered!

And of course, the episode was all about trying to kill Dre.  I swear this thane got 9 lives like a damn cat!  Dre even killed a priest.  A priest who sold drugs but a priest nevertheless.  Y’all KNOW that thane need to be sent express bus to glory.   Kanan, Ghost and Tommy went to the warehouse to get Dre.  But it was a set up.  Ghost ended up getting shot.  Thankfully, Kanan drove his car into the warehouse to save Ghost and Tommy because Tommy showed up to a gunfight with a gun with bout 4 bullets that he needed to reload after every second shot.

Tommy decided to bring in some white hittas (Teresi’s men) to get Dre because Dre wouldn’t be expecting that.  He then proceeded to hire the WORST hittas ever.  Tariq found out that they were gonna get Dre at Raina’s funeral (where his slow arse gave the worst eulogy ever and I kept wondering why they didn’t let Raina’s sister (who made an appearance…I forgot about her til Tasha said she used to have three living kids) speak over her dead sister.  I know she ain’t but five,  but she is a lot smarter than Tariq and didn’t cause her sister’s death.  Can I also mention they must have had a small budget for Raina’s funeral cuz she had a toddler-sized casket and 2 pallbearers.  Wasn’t she like 15?)  Tariq ran to the bathroom and sent a text to Dre telling him to run.

Dre did just that and got away from his would-be killers only to run into Tommy’s hittas.  They snatched his arse up in a white sheet and proceeded to unroll duct tape from the tape roll to tape him up.  Nope.  They didn’t knock Dre’s arse out.  Nope.  They didn’t chloroform his arse.  Nope.  They didn’t check him for a gun.  Yep…you know what happened.  Dre shot they arses from up under that sheet and got outta there.  Again, THE. WORST. HITTAS. ever.  Silver’s dry face arse coulda done a better job!

Ghost went to Raina’s grave site at the cemetery to tell her he was sorry.  Dre rolled up on him (complete with Ghost-like hoodie) and punked Ghost arse again telling him to stay in his lane and stop trying to kill him or he was gonna kill his whole family, including that lil girl we keep forgetting they have.  He left Ghost with an Uno card – the draw four…or was it the Big Joker (those kill cards the Jimenez family uses when they take somebody out).  He also left the same cards for Tommy and Kanan, letting them know he has the support of the Jimenez and if they don’t leave Dre alone, the Jimenez cartel gon’ lullaby all they arses to sleep.

All in all, it was a good premiere BUT Dre and Tariq are both still alive, and Julio and Raina are both still dead, so there’s that.  Follow me on Facebook and Twitter (SoShaydee) where I got something to say about EVERYTHANG.  You will definitely be entertained!

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Chile…I Need to Stay Outta Wakanda

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Today, I took my second trip there by way of the Black Panther movie.  Let me just say that I don’t usually watch superhero movies even though I loved/read comic books back in the day.  I did always like Wonder Woman on television and Christopher Reeves as Superman.  Superheros are so different now though.  Wonder Woman was fighting criminals on a budget–they gave her an invisible plane and a gold rope (lasso).  Oh and wrist cuffs that could block bullets supposedly.  Now superheros got all kinds of gadgets and whatnots, but I digress.

Black Panther was sooo good, Y’all.  I tried not to talk about it because I realize not everyone has seen it but it’s been two weeks now right?  If you haven’t seen it now, it’s because you have no friends apparently and nobody likes you.  I kept trying to figure out what I would say that hasn’t been said because there was just so much, so many themes, and I don’t want this review to be too long.

What did I really like?  I loved that the women were portrayed as fierce warriors whose beauty didn’t lie in weaves and wigs.  How freeing must that have been?  I loved some of the lines in the movie especially a) “Stand up ….you’re a king” and b) Bury me in the ocean where my ancestors jumped from slave ships because they knew death was better than bondage”.  Powerful.  That first line is something I’m going to start saying to my child.  The second line, while powerful, wouldn’t have been something I would have said.  I woulda been like “Cuz can you save me with some of that vibranium?”

Which leads me to a discussion about Eric Killmonger, clearly the main villain in this movie when I thought it was Klaue.  It was apparent all Killmonger cared about was killing, getting to Wakanda, avenging his father’s death and becoming King.  He grew up listening to his father (Prince N’Jobu) speak of this magical nation, his home and hoping one day to go and be welcomed by his family.  That never happened because the King (T’Chaka) killed N’Jobu (also King T’Chaka’s brother) after N’Jobu tried to kill James.  James had been sent as a spy and had told the King that N’Jobu worked with Klaue to steal the country’s vibranium.  N’Jobu saw that Black people in the U.S. were oppressed with no hope and wanted to arm them with vibranium weapons.  A young Killmonger would later discover his father dead with panther claws to his chest.

Killmonger graduated from MIT, joined the special forces, and did tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, racking up kills along the way.  He had been forced to work with Klaue, but turned on him when Klaue referred to Wakandans as savages and said that they would never accept him because he was an outsider.  Killmonger even killed his little lady friend.  He then took Klaue’s body to the Wakandans because surely they would have to love and accept him if he brought them the man who took out their king, right?

And I think that was one of the underlying themes of the movie that resonated most with me.  Killmonger was a product of his environment – abandoned by his dad (death) and an entire country.  His country.  He probably never felt good enough…..and as result, he wanted to be the best at everything.  But it still wasn’t enough.  Which is why he wanted to be King.  He wanted love and acceptance from Wakanda, even though the Wakandans didn’t view him as one of them.  He wanted to avenge his father’s death because he probably felt like Klaue never would have got him if N’Jobu was around.  And not only did King T’Chaka kill his dad – he abandoned Killmonger.  Left him in the United States and never spoke of him again.  Killmonger was lost…forgotten.

All that powered Killmonger when he challenged King T’Challa and won.  He threw him over the waterfall, not even allowing for a proper burial, and then told them to burn the garden of the heart-shaped herb so no other kings would come after him.  He clearly was not capable of love because he choked out a female elder, later killed one of the Dorae soldiers, and was thisclose to killing T’Challa’s sister (can we talk about how she stole scenes with her comedic timing?  I hollered when she called Everett Ross “colonizer”).

Not saying Killmonger was right, but I understand.  It didn’t help that “he” was fine in this movie.  When he threw Black Panther over that cliff, I thought oh well, you gotta go some time.  I was ready to go through the screen to be the new Queen til I realized women didn’t fare to well in Killmonger’s world.

That said, the movie was AMAZING.  Really good to see a Black superhero leading a Black country that was so advanced technologically.  Good to see Black women so powerful.  Good to see so many themes – praise the ancestors because we stand on their shoulders; don’t turn a blind eye to your fellow man when you can help them; if you are doing well but your brother is not, you really are not doing well; being abandoned, lost and forgotten hurts; true patriotism is about putting the country first, over the man; and hiding behind a wall may keep you safe, but it also keeps you cut off from the rest of the world and the good things that may lie there.

Shoot….I may need to go back to Wakanda later this week.  Follow me on Twitter and Facebook at SoShaydee.  killmonger

 

DEB Does Dallas – My First Diner En Blanc Experience

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First of all, I gotta thank my girl Marsha for thinking of me when her friend B couldn’t attend Diner En Blanc (DEB) Dallas at almost the last minute (prayers for her still).  I probably should explain what this is before I share my thoughts.  Diner En Blanc is a secretive and exclusive pop-up dinner party where guests (who must be fashionably clad in all white) must bring their own supplies (including said dinner, drinks, table, chairs, silverware, glassware, tablecloths, linen napkins, trash bags, table decorations, etc) and everything must be white.  Guests don’t know where they are going until they board a chartered bus or other public transportation that takes them to the secret location of that year’s coveted Diner En Blanc.  The mysterious dinner parties are popular with a crowd that is just as exclusive and ritzy as the dinner itself because let’s face it — you gotta make one hell of an investment to get all that stuff I mentioned AND accept transporting it from a bus to the actual site of the dinner while wearing white.  Walking shoes are a must.  So is some type of dolly.  There are Diners in Blanc in about  6 continents and 70 cities worldwide.

I saw all of the beautiful photos at the first one in Dallas and was intrigued.  I decided I would go this year (3rd year in Dallas) but of course you need an invitation if you are not already on the list (I wasn’t).  I initially tried to get into DEB Dallas on my own (a sponsor makes it easier and for all the friends I had that were going, nobody ever offered to sponsor my black arse but I digress) and had gotten the email about a Phase 3 (what?) saying that I needed to log on at 9 a.m. on a certain date to receive an invitation. I took this to mean I was definitely “in” so I logged on about 10 and it was already sold out. Bummer.  I wasn’t going.

Apparently there are 2400 slots for the Dallas one.  At the time I didn’t know about bringing all your own stuff (EVERYTHING you need to have dinner including dinner!) and when I found out about that requirement, I remember saying “Look at GOD” cause I definitely didn’t have all of that stuff and wasn’t thinking about trying to get it NOR walk with it from some bus in my good white clothes and shoes.

And then Marsha called.  3 days before the event.  Black foke will spring some stuff on you at the last minute, won’t they?  I was still intrigued and I have Amazon Prime so I said why not?  I hopped on the site and quickly bought a table in the required dimensions, the tablecloth, the napkins.  Everything was going to be delivered in time except for chairs.  Ikea was out of them until Wednesday so I put that part on hold. Figured I’d order La Madeline for dinner.  Needed something so that if it was cold, it would still taste good.  I was too late to order alcohol but figured if I was going to be lugging all this sheeit in Blanc (excuse my French), I was gonna need SOMETHING to take the edge off.  I found some secret flasks on Amazon but won’t mention what they were in case I’m invited back.  I figured I had a white dress in my closet so I ordered only a fascinator.  You know I gotta have me a cute headpiece.  Later I would find out on Thursday night (event on Friday) that the zipper on the new dress was broken (no wonder it was so marked down at Ross).  I guess I was gonna be nekkid in a fashionable headpiece. Thank goodness for Charming Charlies at the last minute!

I also needed a date/guest.  Nate was out because he had to work late and I had just spent all our childcare money on supplies for this dinner party so he couldn’t come.  Somebody needed to watch the kid for free.  The bestie had a late call on the other side of town so she was out.  And then the next best friend to bestie told me yes.  I called another friend asking if I could really do this and her husband got me chairs (thanks Ro and Jace).  Then yet another friend walked me through everything I needed to know via FB messenger (Thanks SVEJ).  It was a lot, but I figured I could do this.  I threw a hand grenade in Basic Training and lived, and if I could do that AND beat breast cancer twice, I had this white party.

Our pick up spot was 4:15 at the Anatole…a long way away from Lewisville/Coppell in traffic but Liz got us there easily.  I did have to take off work (how do you get there on time otherwise?) early and picked up our food on the way. Oh, I also got white plates (my picnic basket), acrylic glasses, table decorations, and the other stuff.  I also ordered a luggage cart which was easily the BEST purchase decision I made.

We got to the Arboretum (perfect location) and set up our tables and ate our dinners.  We mingled, and perused, and danced, and selfie’d and Instagrammed and SnapChatted.  Everything was beautiful and magical.  And then we packed up everything and left the Arboretum like we had never been there.

I’ll say this – I went in thinking “this is some white people sheeit” (no offense, but think about it – I’m giving you $80 for you to take me somewhere SECRET on a BUS AND I gotta bring all my own sheeit?  And you telling me what to wear…and you won’t even let me bring my own wine?  Diner En Blanc BYE )  but came away thinking it was a very nice function.  I also can’t wait to go back.  Especially now that I have a folding table in a bag that I probably will never use anywhere else.  And an Amazon bill to pay off…..

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Act Like You Got Some Sense at an HBCU Homecoming – The 10 Commandments (UPDATED with 5 Bonus Commandments)

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I won’t make it to homecoming this year.  Hurricane Irma’s black behind blew through actin’ a fool and cancelled my baby’s Bahamian cruise and I had to reschedule it.  The “man” wouldn’t let me take any last minute vacation so I had to convert my existing vacation for my homecoming to my baby’s rescheduled cruise vacation.  Sometimes adulting and doing the right thing as a mama sucks.

I should have listened to her daddy who told me take her in March (never mind that she had waited a whole year to go in September and then couldn’t go).  The same daddy who by the way went to his own homecoming at West Virginia State last weekend.  Did I tell y’all how he only called us 3 times while he was there (4 days?).  I need to put that in my rules cuz he almost came back to a legal separation.

Anywhoo….let’s talk about  HBCU homecoming cuz some of y’all have contacted me for assistance (hey Terri, looking at YOU J)  I normally give y’all 10 commandments for homecoming-related behavior, but I’m gon’ go ahead and round it out to 15.  Moses probably woulda had 15 but he could only chisel so much before his hands got tired.  Let’s get into it:

  • Thou shalt not spend all your rent and bill money tryna “ball to you fall”. In other words, when you get back home, you gon’ need them lights, gas and water.  So if you cain’t afford premium liquor, water with lemon is the next best choice and is likely free.  You can even put it in a cocktail glass to keep your image intact. MC Breed said it best “ain’t no future (i.e. lights, gas, water, cable) in you frontin’.”
  • Thou shalt not get too damn drunk at parties. This should be a given, but as Big Mama used to say “Common sense ain’t all that common”.  First, your liver ain’t what it used to be when you were in your teens and early 20s.  Second, you are 40 or 50 now and likely somebody’s mama or daddy (even if you ain’t claiming them or paying your child support timely).  Maybe even somebody’s grandmama or granddaddy.  Fallin’ all out on the sidewalk, slurrin’ your words and peein’ on yourself (or even threatenin’ to) is NOT a good look.   Plus with all these would-be reporters, you gon’ end up on somebody’s PUBLIC Facebook Live or Instastory looking real crazy and beggin’ your boss to let you keep that good job.
  • Thou shalt not wear 10 minute shoes to 2 hour events. I know it’s half homecoming and half fashion show at these HBCUs, but you know your feet. GOD ain’t failed us yet, but them bad feet you got do and will.  Better to wear some cute flats with rhinestones than have them thangs barking and swelling up like you a second cousin twice-removed of the Klumps.
  • Thou shalt not act like thine is SINGLE, when thine ain’t. If you married, don’t be tryna act like you ain’t got a spouse cuz yo’ arse back on the yard.  Infidelity does count, even out of town and even at homecoming and even at some seedy $89 a night motel.  Plus, you gotta go home and the other party has to go home too.  Prolly to a disconnect notice (see the first bullet above).  You don’t need that kinda stress.  Plus, y’all ain’t make it 20 years ago, so what makes you think you will now?  Get you a hug, exchange pleasantries and get thee the hayle on. Matter of fact, don’t get the hug.  Your bodies will be too close…next thing you know, you dry grinding..then hunching.  Yep, just wave from a distance.
  • If you are newly single, thou shalt not wild out. Be careful out there in them streets.  It ain’t as carefree as it once was back in the day when you used to pray over the person and take a bath right after and you were mostly gon’ be okay.  Make sure you got your protection, and that you use it.  Maybe he was your first and/or vice versa back in the day, but y’all done had several boyfriends and girlfriends and even a husband or wife, or seven, so you need to act like he or she might have what Usher got or worse and have them roll up in some Saran wrap.  Plus, you can still get pregnant at 40 and 50, and I done already told y’all before numerous times how old people shouldn’t have kids. You supposed to be enjoying the twilight of your life and you at the Rite Aid buying both Pampers and Depends.
  • Thou shalt not forget thine personal limitations. You can’t go to every event or party and that’s perfectly reasonable. If there are five parties happenin’ on one day, maybe you can only make two.  And that’s only with a nap in between ‘em. That’s okay.  You old now..nobody expects you to still be able to kick it like you did when you were 20.
  • Thou shalt not drop it like it’s hot if thou is sufferin’ from creaky joints, bad knees, arthritis, carpal tunnel or any other ailment of old age. Ain’t nothin’ worse than bein’ THAT old person in the club with your hand in the air talmbout “hey naaaaahhhhh” while droppin’ it to the floor and gettin’ stuck there. Now your friends gotta stop drinkin’ and what they doin’ to pull your old arse up.  The two-step (movin’ side to side) plus a hand clap here and there is still a viable option for old people dancin’.
  • Thou shalt get thine beauty sleep. Schedule some nap time each day so you can look refreshed and well rested at parties and events.  You already old (yes, I keep having to remind you cuz you might get to homecoming and forget), so you don’t need to present with extra wrinkles and lines cuz you stayed up until four the night before eating all that greasy food at the Waffle House.  A good moisturizer will only do so much.
  • Thou shalt not show up at people’s tailgates, BBQs or house parties expectin’ to eat up where you go along and you ain’t put nothin’ on the party AND you empty handed. Consider bringin’ some boxed wine if your money is short (see first bullet point above) or your own meat and bread. I’m sure you friends got you on the condiments.  Ribs and such are EXPENSIVE.  Foke got kids to feed now..they cain’t be feeding you too unless you gon’ let them claim you on their taxes).
  • Greeks, if you are at a party, thou shalt not put a hole in them people’s floor steppin’. Plus, you likely bought those shoes you got on with your last paycheck on the way to homecoming (see first bullet point above).  You don’t need to tear up nobody’s floor or your own soles.  Also, smellin’ like Icy Hot the next day all up and through the party will get you talked about.
  • Thou shalt not take photos and videos of people and post them on social media without their permission. That Que you taking that video of or that cheek to cheek selfie with told his live-in woman that he was going to his great aunt’s funeral in Butte Crest Wyoming.  Now he gotta find somewhere else to live when he gets back home because his woman was looking for pictures of Aunt Bertha on his page and instead saw you and him hugged up.
  • Thou shalt not lose your mind eating stuff that no longer agrees with you. I was guilty of this a few years back.  Went to the tailgate and had gumbo, ribs, crab legs, peanut butter sandwiches, mac and cheese, bacon, hot links, barbecue skins (y’all know Black folks cook up and bring a lot of stuff to the tailgates and cookouts that don’t go together) and ended up missing the rest of homecoming cause I had to go to the emergency room to have my stomach pumped.
  • Thou shalt not forget to call home while you are at homecoming. I know homecoming is jam packed with activities and never ending action but you need to check in on your family even if you gotta just send a text or an email.  Plus if you left your baby home with your husband, you need to make sure his diaper got changed and he’s still alive.
  • Thou shalt NOT dance too close to anybody that is not your wife/husband or woman/man at the party when the DJ slows it down. First you slow dragging, then you dry grindin’, then you back in your hotel room (or his/hers) hunchin’ wondering how you got there and where you went wrong.  Then you’ll be on Instagram doing an apology video like Kevin Hart talking about you put your family at risk.
  • Thou shalt take the next day after you arrive home from homecoming off work. This is self-explanatory.  You are going to need one whole day to rest, sleep and recover because if your old arse does an HBCU homecoming right, you have had minimal sleep AND arrived back home late so you could get in that last minute Sunday brunch and/or meet and greet.  Don’t be at work noddin’ off when you can just save yourself the trouble by requesting an additional day of PTO.

BONUS – This is not really a commandment per se, but more of a PSA.  If you went to a PWI, go to your own damn homecoming.  Why you wanna come to mine?  Yeah, we will accept you if you show up cuz that’s how we are.  We will probably even feed you and make sure you got what you need to drink.  But, we gon’ talk about you as soon as you leave (now she know good and damn well she ain’t go here but had the nerve to wear a shirt and everything trying to claim us).  It’s just like pledging.  If you ain’t a part of the family, you won’t understand.  We love you but go to your own school’s homecoming.  I’m sure it’ll be fun with the other 20 black people that went there if you make it fun.  Just kidding…well sort of….

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Y’all got the commandments now.  Have a great time at your HBCU Homecomings, but govern yourselves accordingly.  THEEILOVE.

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