Celebrity Apprentice Recap – The Fox and The Queen

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I gotta say somethin’ bout last night’s Celebrity Apprentice.  Y’all know I cut for Kenya Moore because I have always admired her since she won them people’s crown back in the day.  Apparently, last night’s showdown in the boardroom between Vivica Fox and Kenya is a foreshadowin’ of what’s to come next week.  We have been promised an OMG moment in the boardroom that ERRYBODY is gon’ be talmbout come next Tuesday.

This episode started like most – task given (this time it was create a themed party boat for the NY harbor tour).  As usual, Juh-raldo (Geraldo) tried to take over, but this time, Vivica and Kate Gosselin worked together to take his idea down.  I was glad.  I’m sure nobody thinks “party” when they board a boat and hear about the American Revolution.  Sheeit…I’da volunteered to throw Juh-raldo ova board with an anchor and tied to bricks.  I just knew this was Team Vortex’s challenge to win because they had Sig that crab boat captain as the project manager.  Well, he sucked because he picked a Hooters theme for the boat.  Like only horny men were going to be passengers when it was clear there would be women onboard.  And not just that, he let ol’ borin’ arse Juh-raldo narrate the tour, and y’all know you ain’t been able to give Juh-raldo a mic since 1993.  He actually yelled “Down With The Terrorists” at one point as they were passing the Statue of Liberty.  I’da made his arse abruptly walk the plank for that foolishness.

Meanwhile, Team Infinity pulled together an idea for a Big Apple Bonanza (even though it wasn’t clearly executed) that took the win.  Thank GOD Brandi Glanville was smart enough to shoot down “Manhattan Mardi Gras”.  That sounded like a whole mess and a half!  Bright spot of their party boat for me was – yep, you guessed it – Kenya’s performance of Gone With The Wind Fabulous.  Until she got kinda grimy on them people’s ship floors doin’ butt exercises..I mean dances.  I still love her though, and I twirled a lil while sittin’ on my sectional watching.  Though some of the guests found the lyrics to her song less than classy, Team Infinity still beat ol’ politically polarizin’ Juh-raldo nem, and Sig was sent home (Trump still gave his charity money in the end, so he kinda still won).  I was glad because Kenya is good tv and I don’t wanna see her go home just yet.

That left Team Vortex down to 3, so Trump kept it interesting by pullin’ a switch-a-roo.  He sent Kenya to the losin’ team.  NOOO!!!  That puts her that much closer to goin’ home cuz Vivica’s nem team STAY losin’.  The next task was buildin’ a model luxury hotel that mirrored Trump’s glamorous hotel in FL.  I was like “Yass”….Vivica nem got this cuz I know both she and Kenya know luxury.  Unfortunately, Kate Gosselin doesn’t and she stepped up to be the project manager.  You know that lady got too many kids to be thinkin’ about the details she would have needed to consider for this project.  And then she made a major misstep.  Instead of allowing Kenya Moore (who definitely knows luxury) to lead the design, she sent her shopping with Vivica.  The shopping trip took up a lot of time (they got back too late to really help Kate) and Kenya blamed Vivica for an extra stop.  That led up to a loss for Team Vortex (Lawd..that lil fake golf course was TRAGIC and that gold tub with bout five flower petals in it was pathetic).  The only thing Kate got right was designin’ the kid’s center.  We know she know kids.

Team Infinity, led by Ian Zhering won again, because you know, they actually had luxury in the model they built even down to the little details (massage therapist for the spa played by team member Johnny Damon (that’s a good lookin’ man!) and a real golf pro analyzing golf swings on their golf simulator.  I don’t even think they got to who you gon’ bring back to the boardroom (maybe cuz there are only 4 people on the team now) when Kenya and Vivica started coming for each other!

Your boy Trump started it of course:  “Vivica, are you a fan of Kenya’s?”  Vivica:  “She’s attractive.”  Trump:  “You don’t think she’s beautiful?”  Vivica:  “She’s attractive”.  Kenya: “Well I haven’t had any plastic surgeries to my face..”  Whew CHILE!!!   I felt like I was watchin’ Miss Sophia from The Color Purple ball up her fist to steal on Squeek…like I shoulda been like that piano player in the movie “Time to go!”.  I knew what was about to happen wasn’t gon’ be pretty.  I love Kenya, but she don’t want it with Vivica.  Vivica convincingly beat a hoe’s arse in Kill Bill and then tried to shoot her through a cereal box.  Vivica put a gun to a police officer’s head in Set It Off and asked him what was the “m-fin’ procedure when you got a gun to yo’ head?”.  Vivica knocked Gabrielle Union the hayle out in Two Can Play That Game.  Vivica from Napp-town (Indy) and smoked several cigarettes without blowin’ smoke in Why Do Fools Fall In Love.  In other words, she ain’t no punk and she don’t play no damn games.  That’s a for real for real diva you messin’ with, and you don’t want it.  Trust.

“Stop it, Baby,” Vivica advised.  “You sittin’ ova there with a badonkadonk that’s fake as hayle, so don’t go there.  She had them boobs done too.  Sitting ova there with bout 7 packs of lashes on.”  Bay Bay!  I SCREAMED.  I HOLLERED.  I DIED.  Shaaaaaaaade Hunny!  Ding, Ding, Ding…time for round two next week when the phone gate scandal finally airs.  I gotta make sure I got appropriate snacks and drinks for this, cuz it’s sure to be a Tweet-worthy episode!

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Vivs and Kenya

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