Chile…if you ain’t watched Empire yet, you might wanna come back and read this later cuz all kindsa spoilers bout to be posted.  I didn’t do a recap last week because I missed the first 20 minutes of Empire celebrating my anniversary (14th).  I missed the actual reunion of Lucious and his mama.  All I know is that thane IS crazier than a Betsy bug cuz by the end of last week, she was talmbout she shoulda killed him when she had a chance; had baked bout 27 pound, caramel, and 7 up cakes, and was threatenin’ him with a knife, tellin’ him to eat the cake like Annie Mae.

This week errybody was finally at the ASA awards…but before they went Rhonda almost gave it away that that she knew Anika pushed her down the stairs.  Anika ol’ red bottoms gave her away.  How does somebody that come from money NOT get rid of the shoes she done committed felonious acts in?  I always wanted to use that word.  Seriously, does she have just ONE pair of Louboutins?  But they are flat…and she is pregnant, so maybe that’s her only pair of shoes that ain’t heels.

The media director for the ASA is on the DL but feelin’ Jamal (litrally and figratively).  They were alone together when Lucious came in.  That dude damn near knocked Jamal’s arse right off actin’ like Jamal was pushin’ up on him.  Bad actin’ on his part cuz nobody was convinced.  Lucious knew his arse liked boy coochie and proceeded to berate Jamal for being used.  Jamal asked Lucious how he know he wasn’t the one to make that media director HIS beetch?  Lucious wasn’t convinced and told Jamal that ol’ dude was probably on top.  More words were exchanged…Lucious grabbed Jamal by the throat and told him he was gon’ celebrate the day that Jamal dies of AIDS because he ain’t nothin’ but a big ol’ gay disappointment.  Just when I start back likin’ Lucious cuz he play a mean piano or write a good hook, he does somethin’ so ignorant and evil, I be back to hatin’ his arse again.

Cookie finally got through to Jamal about staying away from Freda.  Told Jamal that she had dry snitched on Frank Gathers (Freda’s daddy).  Said Frank was dangerous and Freda was too.

Cookie’s sister Carol was supposed to go to the ASAs with Cookie but they had a big fallin’ out about Tariq the freak (undercover five O).  Cookie even threw salt in Carol’s game by tellin’ that man she had that nasty women’s disease.  She uninvited Carol to the ASAs and threw her arse out.

Lucious showed up to the ASAs lookin’ like an extra from The Harlem Nights and Cookie showed up like she was one of Beyonce’s backup dancers from the On The Run tour with that veil over her face.  He bought Cookie a nice diamond bracelet, and they went to the awards and walked the red carpet together.

Lucious Mama thought she was goin’ to the ASAs with Andre, but Thirsty showed up and threw they arse in the safe (at least they had a tv).  I was surprised Mama wasn’t beat up prior cuz she told the “help” that her greens don’t be seasoned.  You cain’t tell a black woman that and not expect to fight.

Meanwhile Freda was there looking especially nice in her finger waves and white suit. I mean really good for somebody workin’ with the man that killed her daddy.  Carol showed up drunk, and Cookie pretended to hug her while snatchin’ a hand fulla Carol’s weave.  She told her to just walk away.  Carol did but not befo’ she tried to get Freda to walk her in to the actual ceremony.  Freda said she had to do more press, and Carol called her a hoodrat and told her she couldn’t believe she was that close to Lucious (or similar) seeing as what he had done to her father.  Freda started flashing back…and figured out Lucious had something to do with her daddy being killed in the joint.

Freda ran up on one of the security detail, snatched his gun, ran slow motion through the crowd to shoot Lucious who had his back turned.  Jamal saw her…and said no and jumped in front of the gun/bullet.  Lucious wasn’t hit…but Jamal was…seriously.  They got Freda up outta there but not before she saw what she’d done.  They rushed Jamal to the hospital, where he was losing blood and flatlinin’.  Andre was tryna get Thirsty to open up that safe…but Thirsty was drunk off them people’s brown likka and in and out of sleep.  He dropped his glass and finally woke up to the news of Jamal being shot and got Andre and Andre grandmama outta there and to the hospital.  Of course, he had a gun drawn on Andre. I feel like Andre still shoulda stole on his arse tho’.

Of course, Cookie is mad as hayle  at Lucious that Jamal has been shot (he also didn’t win that ASA).  And in the melee of all of that, Mama Lyons slipped out them people’s hospital and went to greet the media.  With cameras flashing..they asked her if she was family and she said yes…then they asked her what her relationship was to Lucious…it went off before she could tell them she is his mama.  Chile…I got my whole entire life from birth to grave.  Lucious done told all them people his mama dead to sell records…and she bout to tell it ALL! (I still cain’t believe that lady been under lock and key and heavy security for 20 years and errybody just let her sashay out them people’s hospital!  Thirsty and the security need to be FIYAH’ED!)

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark so we can start a PETA Chapter in Cookie nem city and save the animals she be wearing…..

Tonight Scandal was more of the campaign.  It’s like watching Trump, Hillary and all the other candidates…wait.. Trump, Hillary and Bernie..cuz errybody else arse done dropped out.  Hollis Doyle acting JUST LIKE Trump and tonight, he confirmed to Liv that’s exactly what he was doing…acting.  That he only pretended to spew hate…to offend whole groups of people..and how he needed a gang of hand sanitizer after he shook hands with the hillbillies of America.  He was tryna to get Susan Ross or Mellie to drop out, talmbout he would allow the first one that did to become his runnin’ mate.  And he wouldn’t make they arses fall through a trap door in the stage like Ted Cruz did Carly Fiorina.  I still can’t believe her picked her as his VP & then dropped out the race a half second later, but I digress.  Liv set that arse up (Doyle) by secretly recording the conversation and letting Sally Langston “ride” with it on that Lady of Liberty show.  Two seconds later, Hollis Doyle was outta them people’s presidential race.  Disgraced.  I’m gon’ miss his ol’ country arse.

Daddy Pope still controlling foke & determined to turn Edison and Jake into the POTUS and Veep.  He told Liv she needed to take that deal for Mellie before Abby did (for Susan) because his evil arse had met with Abby in the back of a black Uber XL and given her info on Liv’s abortion.  I still think Liv need to call Maury and go on the show for a DNA cuz that cain’t be her real daddy.  Cuz he be doin’ all kinds of dirt to Liv.

Edison thought he was REALLY a POTUS contender and tried to tell Daddy Pope what he was and wasn’t gon’ do.  Bad idea.  You know Eli lectured that arse from here to Sunday and TOLD Edison what Edison what he was gon’ do, which was select Jake as his runnin’ mate.  Chile.  Edison gon’ quit talkin’ slick out the mouth to Daddy Pope when his arse come up missin’ like Harrison in them people’s desert.  That’s the last time Daddy Pope called somebody “brother”.

Liv went to Edison to try to get him to drop out the race, but Edison wasn’t havin’ it.  He blamed her…and she told him she could help him.  That same day in an interview, the media asked Edison about Hollis Doyle and that thane turned into Eli Pope Jr.  Well you know America ain’t ready for them Black man monologues so he effectively ended his run on his own terms.  I immediately started trembling cuz I was scared for Edison.  I started tryna figga out how he was about to die cuz I knew Daddy Pope was gon’ come callin’ with Jake to hem Edison’s arse up.  Surprisingly they let him live…but not fo’ Jake put a bug in his ear (tell Liv I wanna get away from her pancake and chicken makin’ arse daddy and I need her help).

Abby fell on her sword and didn’t go the press with the info on Liv’s abortion.  But Liv got dirt on Susan Ross via David Rosen and Susan dropped out the race.  Earlier David Rosen had asked Susan to marry him, and she’d accepted.  Of course, after the revelation that David made a shady arse deal that compromised his principles and America’s, she READ his arse for filth and dropped him like my Sprint calls in rural areas.  Fitz asked for his resignation but I think they let David Rosen keep that job.  David Rosen STAY losing.  Jake shoulda shot and killed him instead of James.  At least James coulda been raisin’ Ella (cuz I don’t know where Cy husband done went) and going to cocktail parties.

Oh, Shonda Rhimes gave a nice tribute to Prince by playing “Let’s Go Crazy” in one of the scenes.  And that is why she is the QUEEN of Thursdays and you betta not never forget.  Lest Daddy Pope put yo’ arse in the hole.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark or on Facebook (So Shaydee)

 

Chile Beyonce done put out Lemonade, the BeyHive done drank a whole gallon, and they are DRUNK in love goin’ after anybody who they think might be Bey’s nemesis.  Now Rachel Roy was out there being funny I guess…all tongue in cheek and sheeit postin’ bout having “good hair” and such RIGHT AFTER Bey said “call Becky with the good hair” in her video.  She had to know that wasn’t going to end well (it didn’t).  That lady done had to go into hiding and put out a statement bout never dry grindin’ with Jay Z.  I’m talmbout she done missed two days of work, held a press conference AND moved back into her mama house.  The Beyhive is RELENTLESS.

They even went in on Rachel Ray…and errybody NAMED Rachel.  I know Beyonce usually stays outta Beyhive bidness, but in this case, since they done killed this lady on Wikipedia talmbout she died the date of her post under a lemonade stand…..Beyonce needs to call her off her goons…I mean bees.

I just got in the Beyhive like two seconds ago, but I cain’t condone all of this bullying.  Y’all please leave these white (and other race-ded) people alone!  Watch and listen to Lemonade….drank some…and stop draggin’ foke all ova the Innanets behind Queen Bey.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

 

 

Lawd JESUS! I JUST got in the Beyhive like yesterday and already…on the heels of our Queen of ERRYTHANE that is holy, just and slayable releasin’ Lemonade (and with it a right smart of tea), here come somebody throwin’ shade and underhanded digs. (First off, I just knew Bey was gon’ announce her separation today from Jay Z but I guess she ended the album with scenes from they wedding and them getting those fangah tattoos)  I’m confused though cuz I thought this designer chick was married to Damon Dash…so why would she let it be known that she done laid up under Jay Z?  You know…allegedly.  I’m also tryna figga out WHERE Rachel Roy been? Don’t she know you cain’t come for Queen Bey by bus, train, Instagram OR Twitter?

I can’t stand Thirsty (Lucious attorney that he met in prison).  I’m surprised his law license ain’t suspended – Lucious might wanna check to make sure he ain’t been disbarred. Thirsty took his arse out to the playground and found Jamal’s s’posed daughter and snatched a chunk of hair outta that little girl’s Afro.  Like who does that?  I wanted that baby to knee his arse in the damn groin.  He took that hair to Maury and surprise, surprise, Jamal is NOT the father. I wish Jamal woulda Nae Nae’d. I thought we knew that already though.

Andre went to visit his grandma’s grave with Lucious.  Andre has the most emotional depth of any of the characters and it’s touching to hear what he says to his Nana (even if some of the dialogue is a little bit cheesy).  Lucious talked Andre into helping him sabotage Hakeem.  Speaking of Hakeem, I am surprised that Hakeem is still runnin’ Empire. I ain’t even sure if he has a GED or not let alone an Associate’s.  Not saying that is needed but usually a younger CEO gon’ have more education since he ain’t got nobody’s experience unless dry grindin’ with most of the women on the show is considered experience.

Lucious sabotaged Hakeem so bad last night, I woulda just gave up and told him he won.  First, he had his goons break in and still Camilla’s old designs and She by Sheree fashions…and then he had them plant drugs in the tour equipment and such so Hakeem’s girl groups ain’t have no mics to sang in.  Then he had Andre sabotage the app that was supposed to be rolling out, which left Hakeem standing in front of the Empire shareholders at their annual meeting lookin’ crazy.  At least he wasn’t wearing a comic book suit.

Of course, Lucious was at the meeting (havin’ held a meeting of a bunch of white people at his house earlier for the premiere of his video where they told him they want him back in charge) and stood up with his own gold mic, engineering a hostile takeover with questions that left Hakeem cryin’ for his mama.  Cookie smoothed thanes over (in a beautiful gilded gold dress – you betta come through Marilyn McCoo from Solid Gold) and assured the shareholders the family was gonna work together.  Them white folk and such clapped but later ousted Hakeem’s arse at the next meeting. You know white foke don’t play bout they money.

Boo Boo Kitty (Anika) and Rhonda done became best friends cuz Rhonda don’t know that Boo Boo Kitty pushed her down a whole flight of stairs and made her lose that baby.  Rhonda staying with her now..and brought Anika back to Lucious’ house where Anika announced she was pregnant with Hakeem’s baby.  All that dry grindin’ that boy done done with not 1/10th of a condom and he had to get his daddy’s ex-fiancee’ pregnant.  Cookie popped him in the head cuz she ain’t have a broom, and they mentioned she should get rid of her baby.  Anika wasn’t going for it though and said she wants her baby to have a family.  Chile.  Where HER parents and foke at? Girl Bye.

Lucious went to her house and tried to buy her arse out (like he usually does) but she wasn’t having it.  He offered her $10 million to give that baby up after birth but she refused.  Bay Bay…I woulda tried to have that baby prematurely and handed that lil thane right over, took the money and moved to the Caribbean.  Sheeit…I was sitting there wishin’ I had gotten pregnant by Hakeem’s arse.

Freda got replaced on Jamal’s record in favor of a bigger star (Cookie’s doing..she don’t want Freda around her boys), after she pistol whipped a dude for sittin’ in her daddy’s chair at the barber shop where she work. That po’ thane still don’t know Lucious killed her daddy.  They doing Freda bad.  That thane ain’t signed nobody’s contract but yet they have her runnin’ back and forth from her hood by train, bus, subway, etc. to they studios.

And then the finale…Thirsty went to a nursing home to see HIS mama or so I thought…and that’s where we discovered Lucious momma ain’t really dead.  Chile, that lady was sittin’ up in that rockin’ chair like Miss Sophia like she had damn near rot to death…talkin’ to herself and sangin’.  Thirsty left her some money….and I guess checked to make sure she don’t try to get out.  The way that thane looked and sounded, he ain’t neva got to worry bout that.  But you know he does have to worry about that.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark …

 

Chile, if you ain’t seen Scandal yet & it’s still on yo’ DVR, then stop reading RIGHT NOW.  Cuz Imma tell it all like a damn canary.  I couldn’t even write this recap last night cuz my hands (both of ’em) were shaking.  I’m talmbout I had to smoke two cigarettes, drank a martini, AND have my husband to hold me!  Let’s get into this recap so I can keep under 500 words.

Scandal started off calmly enough.  We saw that lady from the press (Lillian Forrester) that Fitz been dry grindin’ with.  We saw Liv tryna get more support for Mellie to be POTUS.  And then we saw Lillian leavin’ all kinds of clinics and hospitals and such.  Chile I thought Fitz had dry ground upon a baby.  And since he ain’t married to this broad he been beddin’, I was wonderin’ if it was gon’ be America’s Side Baby.  Well, we found out that ol’ girl wasn’t pregnant with a baby, but she was damn sho’ pregnant with and full of some tea!  That old Veep, Andrew, had done resurfaced, recovered just enough from that stroke Huck gave him to talk a little bit and his arse was bout to tell it all to Lillian.  Chile, when Liv went to see ol’ Andrew and he was sittin’ in that rehab center in that wheelchair like he had done nearbout rot to death, I damn near fell outta MY chair.  And then that thane opened his mouth and started speakin’ like Arnold Schwarzenegger and I nearbout lost it for real!  At times, I didn’t know if he had really had a stroke or if he had visited some foreign faraway destination but I guess he did his best, droolin’ and crooked mouth not withstanding.

He told Liv he was gon’ tell EVERYBODY how Fitz went to war for his mistress.  Liv knew that piece of information would take EVERYBODY down (except Cy who had the forethought to get immunity).  Liv asked Andrew what he wanted, and that thane said $10 million.  And so it began – them tryna come up with the money.  Lizzie Bear had half of that, cuz she had been ‘a Republican all my life’ – David and Abby didn’t have it cuz they had been Democrats (I hollered at that but it is interesting to note that most of my Republican friends do be having a coin or 12 – hey white people friends and my two black friends!).  Liv went to talk to her daddy about it, and he was like me (I figure I’m low-key B613) – why y’all playin’ around with Andrew when we could just get Huck to put another needle in his neck, wrap him in duct tape and plastic and make his arse sleep with the fishes.  Liv didn’t want to do that though…she didn’t want to kill him.  Even after he arranged for her arse to be stolen and bought and sold like chattel.

I’d like to point out here that Jake is still at Daddy Pope’s abode, eatin’ that man outta house and home.  Jake arse must be on that sheeit (weed) cuz his arse STAY munchin’.  And all Daddy Pope does is cook and eat too since he left that damn job at the Smithsonian.  Jake got a new job but he don’t do neva go in cuz he too busy up in Daddy Pope’s pantry.

They finally got the coins together to pay off Andrew (oh, I forgot to tell y’all Mellie thought she could go talk to Andrew and get him to drop his vendetta.  Bay Bay he told that thane to hop aboard him in his hospital bed because even though he had a stroke…a certain part still worked.  I SCREAMED.  Of course, Mellie passed on the hospital bed invalid sympathy sex…and Andrew said that was fine cuz she disgusted him..).  Andrew got stuck again by Huck and changed his mind and wanted more money and hot apple pie and said some other slick sheeit (again why was he still alive at that point?).  Fitz decided he would fall on his sword and come clean about everything but Liv being kidnapped.  Abby wasn’t gon’ let that happen cuz she is the big dog at the WH now…she handled the situation to keep Fitz and herself in power and told Liv arse her WH pass had been revoked.  Red grew fo’ backbones & snatched all Liv’s neatly coiffed edges in the process!

Liv went to talk to Andrew one last time (they had moved him to a bunker)….and he started tauntin’ her about being on her hands and knees…wondered how her mouth worked…called her a slut.  Liv had been having PTSD episodes…and went into a deep one while he was talkin’.  Liv grabbed that chair and did what they shoulda done 10 minutes into the episode.  She beat Andrew’s brains out…litrally and figratively.  She bashed his head in like Ol’ Sophia told Celie to do Mistah’s in The Color Purple.  She CHAIRED that damn meeting she had with Andrew, Honey!  And it was bloody. And gory.  Complete with sound effects.  Liv was so damn bloody when she finished.  Fitz came to her…hugged her.  The OPA foke came (sans Marcus cuz you know he just an intern) and got her, brought her clean clothes and took her where she wanted to go.  Which we discovered was Daddy Pope’s house.  Daddy Pope told her “Welcome Home” and it went off.

RIP Andrew.  You lived way longer than I expected you too.  Or maybe because you went on home to glory in such a horrible way that was anythane BUT peaceful, I should just say “Boy…Bye”. (Update – yes that was Cyrus & Tom the B613 agent, layin’ up in bed together eating bon bons..what the ENTIRE hayle?)

Follow Me on Twitter @staylorclark cuz I got retweeted last night by “Liv”, “Huck”, “Daddy Pope”, AND “Cyrus” so you know I be sayin’ good sheeit….

 

 

 

First off, well done, Scott Foley (Jake from State Farm) for directing this episode.  You know I always liked that Jake..I mean Scott Foley.  Tonight’s episode was almost like a Maury paternity test, ‘ceptin’ there was no falling out on the floor, runnin’ to the back, or choreographed dance moves.

The episode started off with Sally Langston moderating the Republican Debate between Hollis, Mellie and Susan Ross.  Hollis was acting JUST LIKE Donald Trump (well played, Scandal, well played *starting the slow clap*) which should make anybody supporting Trump realize how less than smart they are.  He was saying some of the same things Trump has said about women…immigrants (we need a few of ’em for workers but not the thieves and criminals, etc.)….and it seemed quite ridiculous that a candidate would say those things..until you remember Trump does it all the time (fact really is stranger than fiction).  Mellie was holding her own in the debate until Hollis hit her with a low blow bout her husband cheating on her…and Mellie lettin’ his ex-mistress head her campaign.  Mellie countered with not being her her husband’s keeper..and not being held accountable for his actions and reminding voters he was her EX-husband for a reason.  Ouch.

Susan Ross was still caught up on David cheatin’ on her and smokin’ that cigarette when she quit him, so she wasn’t doing well.  She was answering questions with one word…until Fitz called and gave her a pep talk.  Told her she just needed ONE punch.  So when Sally asked her what she thought..she said she agreed a woman is not her husband’s keeper but maybe she should be.  And then she told a war story where her husband died guarding a pipeline American companies were using in Afghanistan.  And that if she had said something, her husband would still be alive.  And how she would never stay silent like that again…how she went to Congress..and then became the VP..and how she would do the same as the next POTUS.  Chile I was tryna find my Scandal voter registration card.

Liv exchanged dirt with Cy’s governor friend’s brother…which was dirt on Edison that ended up leaked (he had gone to rehab some years earlier for a painkiller addiction).  Edison, who is Daddy Pope’s candidate (flunky), was .38 HOT cuz he knew that Liv threw that larceny on him cuz she was the only one that knew.  He told Eli that he had betta get his daughter in check and almost ended up dead and in the hole right after.  You know Eli don’t take orders from NOBODY….and especially bout his daughter.  He told him to keep Liv name out his mouth.  Jake was just sitting there, eating chicken, and even offered Edison some.

The dirt Liv got in return was on Susan Ross.  She wasn’t really married to the man she said was her husband (and lied to the public about that story bout her husband) and the  man she said she was married to didn’t father her child.  Liv dug up her real baby daddy who was in them people’s prison.  She forced ol’ dude to take a paternity test even though he didn’t want to (didn’t want to hurt Susan or her daughter…he really was a model-actin’ prisoner as those go) but Liv went all daughter of Hell and High Water on him slammin’ the table in front of him and such.  Huck tried to discourage Liv from doing it because he wanted to protect Susan’s little girl.  He got Quinn to help him stop Liv…by getting Fitz to come to OPA.  Chile that ain’t help nothin’.  Fitz told Susan Ross..and also told her the story of Defiance.  He know he wasn’t supposed to tell nobody but GOD that especially since he killed that Supreme Court Justice who was tryna get right with the Lord by telling it.

Olivia sent Marcus off to help Mellie become likable, and in a stroke of genius, Marcus had her go on Jimmy Kimmel to read “mean tweets”.  Bay Bay..when Mellie said “Bye Girl” at the end of one of the tweets with sistah-girl attitude, I hollered.

Susan Ross real baby daddy ended up committing suicide in his cell (see if Liv had just left that man alone – he ain’t have but a couple of years left) and Liv decided she wanted to win the election without the dirty tricks.  Too bad Susan Ross baby daddy had to die before she found her morality.  (Oh Daddy Pope fixed that thane for Edison like Mistah from The Color Purple fixed that mailbox so he would know if Celie had done messed with it).

Next week, they done promised us the show of SHOWS — something that’s supposed to snatch all your edges and every sangle eyelash.  I will be right here…held captive by Shonda Rhimes like every other Thursday night. Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

 

 

 

 

 

Cuz Bay Bay, she went to work on Hakeem with that broom, you heah me?  I swear that boy get beat up by his mama erry season.  You cain’t tell me he ain’t see that arse-whoopin’ coming.  He had just voted against his father…removing him as the CEO of Empire…and when he walked up in his mama’s house, she was holding a broom but not doin’ no sweepin’.  They say though when a man got a woman pregnant and he doesn’t know it, he be outta sorts so Imma cut him just a lil bit of slack.  She told Hakeem he was gon’ take that vote back or she was gon’ kill him dead like Ol’ Sophia threatened to do to Harpo.

Camilla rolled up in Lucious office with the police who drew guns on him and told him he was trespassin’.  Ain’t that some sheeit?  That man just got voted out like 10 minutes prior…he ain’t even have time to get his potted plants and framed photos together and packed up so he could leave.  He pretty much told them they were gon’ have to drag him up outta there.  And that’s when Becky ran in and told him Rhonda (his daughter-in-law) was in critical condition at them people’s hospital.  So he ended up leaving his office anyway.

Speaking of Rhonda, Boo Boo Kitty pushed her down the stairs on last season’s finale.  Rhonda was covered in blood but saw blurry heels walking away from her and out the door.  She musta laid their on that flo’ and bled for like 20 minutes but never lost consciousness.  She cried…she begged..she screamed.  And then at some point, some light came through that house and she used her cellphone (which she just happened to still have in her hand or close by even though she took quite a tumble) and threw it from a supine position out the window which triggered the alarm system.  She might need to try out for somebody’s softball team if she can do all of that.

Andre came rushing to the hospital where he found out Rhonda lost the baby.  Since he had already used that fetus as leverage with Lucious, he was real torn up.  I’m talmbout fallin’ out on the floor and errythane.  Y’all know he ain’t nobody’s stable.  Hakeem came to the hospital but Cookie threatened to go in the broom closet on his arse, so he left.

Jamal was busy being confused sexually (or greedy, however it is that you view bisexual people) and told his mama he was fine with that.  Camilla told Hakeem she could make him CEO of Empire…which made Cookie mad enough to grab a handful of them people’s candy and throw it on the floor one by one.  She tried to make a deal with Camilla but she wasn’t havin’ it.

Boo Boo Kitty showed up at the hospital to see Rhonda with poisonous flowers in tow (I don’t know if they were poisonous but I wouldn’t put nothin’ past her).  I think she just wanted to make sure Rhonda didn’t recognize that it was Boo Boo Kitty that sent her bungee jumpin’ with no cord, down them stairs.

There were other folks in the runnin’ to be CEO of Empire..but they all got beat up and whatnot, leavin’ Hakeem to take the spot. He wore a newspaper/Sunday comics suit for his first day at work and nobody said nothin’, like that sheeit was cute and normal.  He wants to put the family back together at Empire now that he is in charge, but Cookie and Lucious want to take down Camilla’s arse – Lucious gave Cookie 48 hours for that.  He also had Hakeem meet him down by the river banks like Bunky did.  Lucious told him that he was standin’ in the same spot where Bunky met his end…that if he (Lucious) would take out Bunky to save the Empire, he wouldn’t have no qualms taking his baby son’s life.  And then he gave Hakeem his gun and told Hakeem to shoot him and take his seat.  Bay Bay…I lost my eyebrows and all my edges cuz I just knew Hakeem was bout to pull the trigger (he didn’t).  Knowin’ Lucious arse, it ain’t have no bullets.  That was some ol’ Mufasa/Simba/Lion King  Nino Brown/G Money sheeit.  Lucious let Hakeem know to watch his back.  And then I missed the previews cuz I was doing my taxes and I owe them people money.

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That’s what I said when Sunday when I was drivin’ around tryna find an Easter egg hunt for my 6 year old.  Old people ain’t got no business havin’ kids. I had McKenzie at 39 and don’t know what the hayle I was thinking.  Just know when your husband try tells you ‘one mo time..this time with the baby oil’, don’t go for it.  But I digress. The first egg hunt I found was actually held last weekend. I’d looked at the website and found the 2015 flyer.  I’m talmbout I drove FAR to get to this thane to find out I was a week too late.

So like any mom who doesn’t want to disappoint her kid, I pulled beside the road and googled on my phone til I found an egg hunt in the area.  It was at a winery.  And my first thought was how Jesus performed the miracle of turnin’ water into wine..and I actually said “Look at GOD” which is the same thane Johnnie Cochran said when them Mark Fuhrman tapes fell into his arms like “Manna From Heaven”.  I don’t know if he REALLY said that but I wouldn’t have been mad if he did.  You couldn’t write that ending in a best selling novel!

Tonight’s episode, as you can gather, was all about how…the prosecution’s case got turned upside down (in my Fresh Prince of Bel-Air voice) because they hung it on Fuhrman, who had been busy selling the story of his bad behavior as an LAPD cop to a screenwriter in the wake of the Rodney King beating.  Fuhrman didn’t need to take the stand.  Fuhrman actually shouldn’t have been allowed at the crime scene.  I think he used the N word in those tapes over 40 times…AND he admitted to framin’ Black foke in the past.

Once they started considerin’ OJ a suspect, Fuhrman shoulda been excused and sent home.  But instead he became the lead investigator, scalin’ fences without an arrest warrant, and findin’ gloves and blood and socks and sheeit.  If allowin’ OJ to try that glove on in open court was a horrible mistake, allowing Fuhrman as the prosecution’s key witness was yet another one.  And then that racist thane (who again had to be the cop to find the glove, the sock, the blood, the DNA, the hair fibers, the Bronco, etc.) lied about using the N word in a preliminary hearing and had to resume the stand after the tapes were discovered.

Under the re-direct (Bay Bay, between HTGAWM and this series on FX, I’m a low-key lawyer so don’t be surprised at my command of legal terms), that thane knew his arse had lied and was about to be caught up by Johnnie nem.  Instead of saying he lied, he invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination and refused to answer.  In some type of legal rule, once he’d invoked that right..it was an all or nothing situation (once he invoked it on the first question, he had to invoke it for all remaining questions).  And you know what Johnnie did – pounced on that thane like he was prey and Johnnie was a lion with this question: “Mr. Fuhrman did you manufacture evidence in this case?”  Mark Fuhrman again pleaded the Fifth which made it appear he did indeed plant evidence in this case.  Chile…you couldn’t make this stuff up!

And just like that, OJ moved closer to acquittal.  Never mind the DNA evidence or the glove, because no one could be sure that Fuhrman didn’t plant all that.  He had admitted to doing it in the past and didn’t answer the question when asked directly regarding the case.  Never mind OJ learned how to first use a knife in Roots.  Or that he “supposably” had bad knees but put out a workout video 2 weeks prior to the murders and did all that runnin’ in them Hertz commercials.

I gotta say this too – the entire cast is acting their natural arses off!  I’m talmbout if they don’t give these foke at least a Hoody award, Imma tear up Twitter AND Instagram.  By the way, y’all know I’m messy as hayle.  I looked for Mark Fuhrman on social media  but couldn’t find him.  I just felt like being petty even though OJ got off and it’s been 20 years since the tapes.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark cuz if you don’t, you just might miss your blessing.

Heck NAW!  I wouldn’t have wanted NO parts of that (last night’s episode was about the OJ trial jury being sequestered in a hotel and related issues).  And it was a nice hotel from what I remember reading (Hotel Intercontinental).  Those people were holed up in that hotel like Ol’ Sophia in jail…til they nearbout rot to death.  They only let them out to go to the courthouse.  I’m talking 8 MONTHS.  Like that is damn near a year.  Like if you were pregnant when you got selected, you would damn near be havin’ yo baby at the end.  The jurors didn’t even have a tv in they rooms!  Couldn’t use the hotel pool nor the hot tub.  Had to eat all meals together while being watched by deputies.  Got one conjugal visit with their spouses for 5 hours (7 to midnight) once a week.  No magazines.  Damn sho’ no Innanets (I can’t rememba if Al Gore had created it then or not).  And because they had so many Black foke on the jury they were salty bout missing Martin (the White foke wanted Seinfeld – one of the Black jurors said “What is a Seinfield?” Ha.)

The episode also showed how the jurors were routinely dismissed to the point that they got down to 2 alternates, and how a mistrial was almost declared after a juror revolt.

I think the jurors were happy when they were first selected to be on such a high-profile case.  There were 9 Black jurors, 2 White jurors, and 1 Hispanic, which is interesting when you consider the Black foke made up 12% of the population during that time.  I know people are quick to say (even the jurors themselves) that race didn’t play a role in this trial when they know that it did.  Truthfully, this jury (even though it was mostly “female” ) was probably NEVER going to convict OJ.  I still say that just like America was racially divided, so was that jury.  As a matter of fact, when they took the FIRST vote on whether Orenthal James was guilty or not guilty, the two White people voted him guilty.  I think Black foke were still mad at the LAPD for beating up Rodney King on camera with NO consequences.  So this was gon’ be payback.  I don’t know how Marcia Clark nem misread the jury so badly.

Tracy Hampton was the juror who pretty much set off the revolt.  She complained to Judge Ito that the deputies  in charge of protecting them were treating the Black jurors unfairly.  She actually brought up that on a shopping trip to Target, the White jurors got an hour…but at Ross (which Black people LOVE – yes she said that), Black jurors only got a half hour.  She also begged him to let her go home.  (He did let her go at some point, and she was hospitalized for a panic attack immediately after, and later posed for Playboy – I can’t make this stuff up!)

Judge Ito was trying to keep the jury together and avoid a mistrial so he reassigned the deputies, which set off a firestorm with most of the other jurors who had gotten close to the deputies over those months and couldn’t understand why they were now gone.  This set off the juror revolt where they refused to come to them people’s courtroom…Judge Ito threatened to hold them in contempt.  They ended up returning to court, but most of them wore black in protest (5 wore bright colors).

Judge Ito finally sat down with them and heard their concerns and tried to make things better but it never quite worked out (sent them on a local cruise (most got seasick); sent them to an amusement park (didn’t go well); sent them to a Lakers game (where they were promptly recognized so they had to roll out), etc.

Also on this episode, we saw the damning blood and DNA evidence.  Sadly for Marcia Clark and Chris Darden nem, DNA wasn’t like it is now.  Now it will send your arse straight to jail.  Back then, it was new and people felt uneasy relying on it.  Had OJ committed this murder just a few years later, he would be serving life in them people’s prison.

It also didn’t help that the criminalist (Fung) who provided all of the DNA testimony got picked apart by the defense team who challenged how the DNA was gathered (there was lots of cross-contamination), how the blood and DNA was stored (apparently it was in somebody’s pockets for a few hours and somebody kept OJ’s shoes at their house over the weekend), and gave other theories for how OJ’s hair fibers and blood ended up at the crime.  Also didn’t help that the jury’s eyes were glossed over when Fung was presenting the scientific evidence.  Probably also didn’t help that Fung shook the hands of every defense team attorney AND OJ when he left the stand (yes this really happened!).  Shapiro said Fung even HUGGED him.

The episode went off as the tip line established by Shapiro nem to find the real killer (this really happened – it was a 1-800 number!) was answered and somebody took notes that said “Furman is on tape framing the n-words”.  Whew chile…can’t wait to see how they portray Furman and these tapes next week!

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark cuz Chris Darden’s daughter done tweeted me last night & told me I ain’t have no chill…