Chile, if you ain’t seen Scandal yet & it’s still on yo’ DVR, then stop reading RIGHT NOW. Cuz Imma tell it all like a damn canary. I couldn’t even write this recap last night cuz my hands (both of ’em) were shaking. I’m talmbout I had to smoke two cigarettes, drank a martini, AND have my husband to hold me! Let’s get into this recap so I can keep under 500 words.
Scandal started off calmly enough. We saw that lady from the press (Lillian Forrester) that Fitz been dry grindin’ with. We saw Liv tryna get more support for Mellie to be POTUS. And then we saw Lillian leavin’ all kinds of clinics and hospitals and such. Chile I thought Fitz had dry ground upon a baby. And since he ain’t married to this broad he been beddin’, I was wonderin’ if it was gon’ be America’s Side Baby. Well, we found out that ol’ girl wasn’t pregnant with a baby, but she was damn sho’ pregnant with and full of some tea! That old Veep, Andrew, had done resurfaced, recovered just enough from that stroke Huck gave him to talk a little bit and his arse was bout to tell it all to Lillian. Chile, when Liv went to see ol’ Andrew and he was sittin’ in that rehab center in that wheelchair like he had done nearbout rot to death, I damn near fell outta MY chair. And then that thane opened his mouth and started speakin’ like Arnold Schwarzenegger and I nearbout lost it for real! At times, I didn’t know if he had really had a stroke or if he had visited some foreign faraway destination but I guess he did his best, droolin’ and crooked mouth not withstanding.
He told Liv he was gon’ tell EVERYBODY how Fitz went to war for his mistress. Liv knew that piece of information would take EVERYBODY down (except Cy who had the forethought to get immunity). Liv asked Andrew what he wanted, and that thane said $10 million. And so it began – them tryna come up with the money. Lizzie Bear had half of that, cuz she had been ‘a Republican all my life’ – David and Abby didn’t have it cuz they had been Democrats (I hollered at that but it is interesting to note that most of my Republican friends do be having a coin or 12 – hey white people friends and my two black friends!). Liv went to talk to her daddy about it, and he was like me (I figure I’m low-key B613) – why y’all playin’ around with Andrew when we could just get Huck to put another needle in his neck, wrap him in duct tape and plastic and make his arse sleep with the fishes. Liv didn’t want to do that though…she didn’t want to kill him. Even after he arranged for her arse to be stolen and bought and sold like chattel.
I’d like to point out here that Jake is still at Daddy Pope’s abode, eatin’ that man outta house and home. Jake arse must be on that sheeit (weed) cuz his arse STAY munchin’. And all Daddy Pope does is cook and eat too since he left that damn job at the Smithsonian. Jake got a new job but he don’t do neva go in cuz he too busy up in Daddy Pope’s pantry.
They finally got the coins together to pay off Andrew (oh, I forgot to tell y’all Mellie thought she could go talk to Andrew and get him to drop his vendetta. Bay Bay he told that thane to hop aboard him in his hospital bed because even though he had a stroke…a certain part still worked. I SCREAMED. Of course, Mellie passed on the hospital bed invalid sympathy sex…and Andrew said that was fine cuz she disgusted him..). Andrew got stuck again by Huck and changed his mind and wanted more money and hot apple pie and said some other slick sheeit (again why was he still alive at that point?). Fitz decided he would fall on his sword and come clean about everything but Liv being kidnapped. Abby wasn’t gon’ let that happen cuz she is the big dog at the WH now…she handled the situation to keep Fitz and herself in power and told Liv arse her WH pass had been revoked. Red grew fo’ backbones & snatched all Liv’s neatly coiffed edges in the process!
Liv went to talk to Andrew one last time (they had moved him to a bunker)….and he started tauntin’ her about being on her hands and knees…wondered how her mouth worked…called her a slut. Liv had been having PTSD episodes…and went into a deep one while he was talkin’. Liv grabbed that chair and did what they shoulda done 10 minutes into the episode. She beat Andrew’s brains out…litrally and figratively. She bashed his head in like Ol’ Sophia told Celie to do Mistah’s in The Color Purple. She CHAIRED that damn meeting she had with Andrew, Honey! And it was bloody. And gory. Complete with sound effects. Liv was so damn bloody when she finished. Fitz came to her…hugged her. The OPA foke came (sans Marcus cuz you know he just an intern) and got her, brought her clean clothes and took her where she wanted to go. Which we discovered was Daddy Pope’s house. Daddy Pope told her “Welcome Home” and it went off.
RIP Andrew. You lived way longer than I expected you too. Or maybe because you went on home to glory in such a horrible way that was anythane BUT peaceful, I should just say “Boy…Bye”. (Update – yes that was Cyrus & Tom the B613 agent, layin’ up in bed together eating bon bons..what the ENTIRE hayle?)
Follow Me on Twitter @staylorclark cuz I got retweeted last night by “Liv”, “Huck”, “Daddy Pope”, AND “Cyrus” so you know I be sayin’ good sheeit….