Now y’all know that I don’t normally do randoms and new girls on my favorite reality shows.  Matta fact, I shaded Claudia Jordan 10 kinds of bad when they announced that she was gon’ be the newest non-housewife to hold a peach on RHOA.  I heard Peter was up for the role, but ain’t look right in a long gown.  I’m sure that won’t stop him from getting in women business and tryin’ hard to be the newest housewife for next season though.  I’m gon’ have to back track.  Being a woman of a particular age, I reserve the right to change my mind.  And today just been one of those days.  My Cowboys lost on the worst NFL rule evah, and foke started comin’ out the damn woodwork on my timeline talkin’ noise.  I’m talmbout foke who I fuh-got were my FB friends until today cuz they don’t neva say NOTHING.  Cowboys lose and errybody and they mama, daddy and aunt-tee got somethin’ to s ay.  Yes, I’m still in my feelings.  I own it, but I digress.

Now I am sorta feelin’ Claudia Jordan.  She naturally funny and them one-liners be givin’ me five kindsa life.  Them toes though is a WHOLE ‘nother story.  It doesn’t seem like somebody that pretty would have all of that goin’ on in they shoes.  Now I know models have a tough time cuz them tight arse shoes they be havin’ to rock on the runway be hayle on a toe, but damn..them dogs was worse than the dogs Eddie Murphy clowned in Boomerang.  I wish I had one of them pens Will Smith had  from them people’s Men In Black movie to erase them bunion and coned thangs outta my memory forever.  I almost want Claudia to get them foots (yes foots) cut off and start ova.

Demetria McKinney (the other random who tryna be a pop star at 35) has invited all of the girls to Puerto Rico to watch her perform.  Apparently, Roger Bobb is footing the bill for errybody.  Of course, errybody shows up there BUT Roger Bobb.  Whenever his “woman” (I put that in air quotes cuz it look like ERRYBODY in Atlanta been with Roger Bobb, including some foke that just passed through the airpote on they way somewhere else) has an event, Roger Bobb makes it his damn bidness to NOT be there.  I think that’s why he got that last name, cuz he shole be duckin’ and dodgin’ and bobbin’ and weavin’ to stay up outta the venues his woman be performing and showin’ videos at.  It appears she scheduled this performance on his head shavin’ night.

Everybody felt bad that the lil Marge Simpson blue hair wearin’ random from the last show put Roger Bobb on front street in front of errybody at Kandi’s party.  Kandi invited Demetria out to apologize (I still say Kandi knew her friend was gon’ spill that whole pot of tea at that party), and later Nene and Phaedra showed up at the studio to meet with Demetria too.  Phaedra is the WRONG one to come out to provide support to pretty much anybody especially somebody she don’t know.  Y’all know Phaedra claim she a Southern Belle but that thang will come fuh somebody in a minute, all the while callin’ ‘em “honey” so they don’t know how to feel.  That’s why I’m surprised she don’t be winnin’ cases, cuz she seem to be so good with words.  She said some real inappropriate sheeit in that studio.  I mighta had to cuss her out for a good 60 seconds before tellin’ her high hairline at the nape arse to get out.

The girls finally made it to Puerto Rico (I’m tryin’ to figga out why Demetria and Porsha were both wearin’ them tall arse heels in the airport – that couldn’t have been comfortable!), and I was like “yasssss…..” because I knew it was gonna be drama even how the girls were separate and sheeit while traveling.  And I knew when I compared Porsha’s nem rooms to them closets Nene nem got, there were gon’ be problems.  Nene is VERY. RICH.  And rich beetches don’t like hotel rooms that ain’t suites.

Demetria was tellin’ Kenya nem how she felt like Phae Phae came for her, and of course, Kenya done twirled twice and told her she needed to speak up.  I was rubbin’ my hands together and grinnin’ and saying “yasssss…” cuz I knew some sheeit was gon’ pop off at dinner.  Phae Phae added more fuel to the fire by givin’ Demetria (and Demetria’s stylist who was NOT pleased) a backhanded compliment.  I think she added a “chile” to the “honey” that she delivered with all them shade trees.

The girls went to dinner, and you could just cut the tension with a razor blade from Marlo’s (remember NeNe’s old friend) bra.  I am trying to do better about not wanting to watch drama between black women, but the debil done won the round this week cuz that whole dinner gave me life, from birth to senior citizenship!!!!  From the drink orderin’, when Nene asked for somethin’ very specific and Porsha and Phaedra had to have the same, it was clear the women had lined up on distinct opposing sides.  Phaedra, Nene, and Porsha were Team Shade and Demetria, Kenya, Cynthia and Claudia were Team Wait Are These Beetches Really Tryna Shade Us.  Hey..it’s late and I couldn’t come up with a better name for all of them together.  Kandi, as usual, was somewhere in the middle.

Demetria set it off by tellin’ Phaedra she felt some kinda way bout how she had talked to her at the studio (she asked the gul if she was a crackhead…asked if her man Roger Bobb (yes, they still callin’ that man by his whole damn name!) needed a liver transplant cuz he shouldn’t be just dating her fuh 8 years….asked if she was really tryna be a 35 year old pop star..etc.).  Phae Phae wasn’t tryna back down and Demetria went in on how the only thing they got in common was the numma 8 – cuz Roger Bobb been in and out of relationships with Demetria fuh 8 years and Apollo gettin’ ready to go in them people’s penitentiary fuh 8.  OUCH.  You know Phae reminded her that at least she got a ring…neva mind that she married an ex-con without a pot to pee OR cook in let alone a window to throw it out of.

And then the conversation went real left with Nene and Claudia.  There was a lot of kee keein’ goin’ on and side conversations and snickering and giggles.  It was clear Nene wasn’t feelin’ Claudia so it sorta started from there.  Nene told Claudia to “ask Rickey Smiley” and Claudia went IN.  And this is where I crowned Claudia Jordan the QUEEN of ultimate shade throwin’.  Fuh one, she ain’t back down AND she a newbie.  You know Nene will make a newbie feel bad and dismiss them with an ol’ “Bye Girl” quick.  Claudia was not to be dismissed.  When you got toes like she do, you ain’t got sheeit to lose and she proved herself a formidable opponent in the war of words.  I hollered when she said when Nene was her age, she had edges..when she questioned Nene goin’ to college, when she put Nene’s arrest record out there and reminded Nene how she had slipped and slid all up and through them people’s stripper poles.  And then she hit Nene wit a left…hit her wit a right…and knocked her out like fight night when she told her the word is BRIDESMAID – “the S is NOT silent”.  BAY BAY – I SCREAMED!  Cuz errytime Nene said somethin’, Claudia had some mo’ stuff to say all matta factly.  Nene got in one good line but Claudia got in SEVERAL.  Claudia READ Nene for all kinds of nasty filth, and I LIVED.  And then I died and lived AGAIN.  Nene 1, Claudia 110.  LOL!  I almost forgot about my Cowboys.  For like 30 seconds and then I remembered and felt bad all over again.

Next week, the ladies are still in Puerto Rico.  There is sure to be MORE foolishness and shots fired.  *cue overly dramatic soap opera music*  Will a Puerto Rican lady from the audience tell Demetria that she too has been with Roger Bobb?  Will Claudia take her swim shoes off so her toes can soak up the sun?  Will Kenya twirl?  Will Nene retire that ragmop wig she been wearin’?  Will Demetria actually be able to perform or will the concert be just like her video release party when the video ain’t work?  Tune in next week for the answer to these questions and more…  Follow me @staylorclark on Twitter!

So…..Taraji P Henson and Terrance Howard are back together again in the name of hip-hop in Fox’s highly anticipated show Empire.  But this time, Terrance ain’t from Memphis, Mayne, and ain’t a strugglin’ pimp with one good hoe and a prison record.  And Taraji ain’t fearful and scurred of her own shadow like she was in Hustle and Flow.  And she damn sho’ ain’t pregnant, though her character been pregnant three times that we know of.

Taraji’s character is the over-the-top dressin’, got a gang of good one-liners Cookie.  Terrance’s character is Lucious (which is dare I say, strangely close to Lucifer of ‘get thee behind me Satan or Beezlebub “fame”’.  Cookie and Lucious used to go together….I mean a hip-hop would be power couple who sold drugs and did whateva as they dreamt of stardom with that one good sangle/CD.  In the meantime, they had 3 kids – with a lot of the flashbacks being devoted to the one boy that was “different” from the other ones.

In the first episode, Cookie done got out of them people’s prison after doin’ 17 years of hard time.  Lucious neva visited her personally durin’ this time, but did bring one son to visit her often, where she put her hands on his through them people’s plexiglass and talked to him on the prison phone.  Even though they ain’t told us this yet, I’m gon’ say Cookie ain’t have a lot of visitors cuz when she got out, she had to put them hoe clothes back on she had on when she went in.  I guess she ain’t eat a lot of starches or get involved in them normal prison yard workouts and such either, cuz she still the same size from 17 years ago.

Cookie also apparently had left over money and residuals on her books, cuz she was able to take a taxi to her son’s (yeah that one) house.  He obviously wasn’t expectin’ her cuz he was sitting up in there with his boyfriend.  Yep…yet another show with two hard legs who are together.  Layin’ up in bed talmbout ‘I love you to each other’ in deep voices and sheeit.  It appears that every new show that comes out will have a gay character or seven.  I have nothing against the lifestyle, but damn…ERRY show?  And it’s always in your face gay – nothing is implied.  Nawl, they gotta tongue each other and rub each other and dry grind.  I’m tellin’ y’all, Michael Sam and that lil slight white boy he datin’ done messed it up for errybody, mushin’ cake in each other’s faces on ESPN.

Cookie is just loud and wrong..and say what the hayle she feels at any given moment.  I guess prison does that to a person.  Her son tried to hide his lifestyle (even though she BEEN knowing that he’s gay) and she came right in and called him out, met the boyfriend who she promptly called “a Mexican”,  and started eatin’ stewed chicken da-rectly out that man’s pots.  That thang ain’t have much outside of the standard bread and water cuz as Big Mama would say “she eating where she go ‘long (along)” on that show.  She took the bodyguard’s sammich in the car and told him to get his big arse on the treadmill.  And then when she busted up in Lucious’ office, she was eatin’ they candy all out the bowls and such.  I was like ‘damn..she ain’t have NO commissary while she was in them people’s prison’!

Cookie wanted to know why Lucious ain’t come to see her….and had to acknowledge that he done got him a Halle Berry lookalike woman that obviously ain’t no joke.  Don’t let all that pretty fool you, Cookie!  That gul is gon’ threaten to cut Cookie’s “thoat” (throat) without even disturbin’ her pearls fo’ it’s all said and done.  I am tryin’ to do right, but erry now and again, I backslide cuz I loves me a good ol’ catfight especially if somebody threatenin’ to put them paws on somebody else!  Yasss beetch yasssss!  Cookie gave me life errytime she said some sheeit or called foke queens and beetches.  My favorite one liner though was when she said she ain’t fuh all that weave-wearin’ “walkin’ round with yo’ scalp smellin’ like goat azz.”  Bay bay…I LIVED!!!!  I’m talmbout my whole life mo’ abundantly cuz I was tryna figga out how she knows what goat’s arse smell like.  She musta did some real sheeit in that pen to survive!  I also don’t condone violence, especially against kids.  But when your felon mama first gets out tha joint and you say “you want a medal, beetch?” to her, you sorta deserve everythang you get includin’ the sheeit beat outcha with a broom stick.

While Cookie was doin’ her prison bid (that mighta actually been’s Lucious’ but they ain’t told us yet), Lucious was busy building a hip-hop/music empire (thus the name of the show).  He has discovered that he has ALS and 3 years tops so he is trying to figga out which one of his three sons will take over the comp’ny.  Which was confusing to me as a CPA (yes, yes, I know some of y’all surprised that I write/talk like this and got a good corporate career …..).  He mentioned taking the comp’ny public but already got a full board of directors and doin’ all kinds of required SEC filings and such, which don’t go together.  He also mentions that he cain’t give Cookie half the company that her initial investment (drug money) built cuz he only owns 10% of the comp’ny…which in effect means that kneegro ain’t got NO company cuz it’s controlled by somebody else.  That thang must be just a figgahead like Lady Eloise in that Boomerang movie, but I digress.  Obvious mistakes/errors in the business model aside, Lucious cain’t stand the gay son, and even tried to put his lil arse in a trash can (WITH the top on) when he was just a lil boy wearin’ his mama’s headscarf and her hot pink mules (shoes) in the flashbacks.  Lawd..that was sooo uncomfortable to watch.

This is getting long so I need to wrap this up in a nice neat bow and just put it here fuh y’all.  Cookie was rockin’ a spotted cat coat when she got outta prison and said she had a comp’ny to take half of.  She had a nice high pony (I loves a side pony or high pony) on her head and them eyebrows was on, as the young foke say, “fleek”.  Now them brows had me confused on whether or not she was mad or sad or surprised in the scenes, but they were awesome nevertheless.  Cookie’s closet is full of furs, and chinchillas and animal prints…and I was waiting for the disclaimer to come cross my screen that said ’10 animals were harmed in the making of this episode”.  I give Cookie’s coats an honorable mention in the best supporting actor category.  The honor of best supporting actor goes to Lucious’ hair.  Bay bay..that hair got its own rider, contract AND SAG card cuz it was LAYED like Hustle and Flow!  It went in and outta styles like bellbottom jeans, starting as a full on pompadoe, transitionin’ to a slick back…turning into a soft and beautiful and then endin’ up as a tease and pop.  YASSS…that hair SLAYED Honey!  It had to have kilt all the stylists or at least put them in the hospital for observation for a few hours.

For those of you who care, Precious done found her a new series home..and new coinage.  Bad blonde wig and thigh-rubbin’ leggings notwithstanding.  Lucious done already shot his bodyguard on the first show for trying to blackmail him in a scene that was reminiscent of New Jack City when Nino Brown shot G Money twixt the eyes.  If the bodyguard had yelled out “Am I my brother’s keeper” ‘fo that bullet hit, I’da SCREAMED!

I guess it’s clear, I enjoyed this show.  Storylines galore with a tight soundtrack (gay son and the youngest are both artists..oldest son is a Penn State grad with an MBA and a white woman….Cookie is fresh out the pen and wants what’s hers..and Lucious ain’t got much time left.)  Yep, I’m settlin’ in for Empire Honey!  I’mma have my brown likka (cuz this ain’t a wine-type show) and Hot Cheetos ready for next week’s episode.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Yeah, I’m combinin’ my comments bout both shows.  I figga since Kenya Mo’ on both of them, that is enough of a common thread to tie them both together.  I went to the Cowboys game yesterday, where I witnessed the Cowboys do the Lions like Eddie Long ALLEGEDLY did some of his church members – got in they arses.  Yes, I know…in poor taste.  Hey, every joke ain’t gon’ go over well.  I’m okay with that.  Because We Dem Boyz, I missed the first few minutes of the show…that and because Nate lost our car in the parking lot.  Note to self – don’t put Nate in charge of remembering where we park.

Anyway, I started watching just in time to see my ol’ pal and soror Yogi get some shine as the facial-ologist to Miss Black Peachtree Plaza (Kenya Mo’) and her aunty.  I was actually in Atlanta when this was filmed and remember Yogi tellin’ me all about it.  I was in town for a board meeting and mad I couldn’t leave to head up to her spa/salon to pretend to work there while I applied all kinds of cucumber eye pads to Kenya and her aunt-tee.  Oh well…just as well.  I’m sure I woulda been found out and that wouldna been good for Yo’s bidness.

Y’all know my memory is slightly janky so I will just talk highlights.  Kandi planned a ladies night out event (good move on her part to leave the men out cuz last time the couples were together at night, Apollo beat the brakes and the tires off Brandon).  You know Kandi knows how to throw a party – there was a scantily clad woman who was servin’ sushi off her abdomen…all kinds of food and drank and just enough goin’ on where you knew the invitees were gonna have a real good time.

Phaedra was busy getting a fence built round her house which was interesting since her man was headed to prison where they got really tall fences and look out guards on the towers like Nino Brown had at The Carters.  Apollo showed up and had much attitude about Phaedra buildin’ the fence.  He acknowledged that nobody respects him or consults him on anything.  Um, kneegro, you on your way to them people’s prison….ain’t nobody gotta ask you nothin’.  The scenes between them have just gotten way too uncomfortable.  I’m glad Apollo done finally went in.  Phaedra just needs to cut her losses and in the words of Denise LaSalle: “Drop That Zero and Get Herself a Hero”.  Take Mr. President and Mr. Ambassador to Barbados to visit him behind them people’s plexiglass once a month for bout an hour.

Phaedra received an honor from the Bar Association recognizin’ her contributions as an attorney.  Lawd I be done fuh-got that thang is an attorney.  She be doin’ errythang but working as attorney.  It was an all-white event and she worked that white and that ponytail she had attached.

The girls arrived at Kandi’s event.  There were a few randoms sprinkled in but all in all, it was the regulars.  Kenya tried to greet NeNe and got just as much shade as Gov. Christie when he tried to high five Jerry Jones in that skybox at the game yesterday.  Claudia (the other random) got similar shade from NeNe but still tried to talk to NeNe who told her that she hang with foke she (NeNe) don’t like.  I SCREAMED!  LOL.  So nasty…and so rude!

The event was starting to go well until Demetria McKinney (Janine from The House of Payne) announced in mixed comp’ny that she is dating Roger Bobb.  Lawd, I get so tiyad of them sayin’ that man’s whole name I don’t know what to do.  And just like that, Kandi’s event went from sugah to sheeit.  There was another girl there (Kandi’s friend) who had been with Roger Bobb.  And she confirmed it right there with Demetria McKinney lookin’ on.  Bay Bay – I SCREAMED.  Demetria couldn’t take it no mo’, I guess, because she walked out.  Kandi gon’ learn bout pullin’ together nice events for hood chicks.  And I don’t know why Demetria was so surprised that the other mo’ of a random than she is gul had been with Roger Bobb.  From what I can tell, half of Atlanta done been with him. I met somebody in the checkout line in the grocery sto’ today who said SHE had been with Roger Bobb.

Lawd I done got sooooo sleepy.  I wanted to talk about Celeb Apprentice. I missed most of the premiere show foolin’ round with them janky arse housewives.  Kesha Knight Pulliam got fiyah’ed first.  Shoulda been Kate Gosselin.  I swear that thang is only good for tasks that involve layin’ on her back and pushin’ out babies.  They fiyad Kesha because she wouldn’t call Bill Cosby for money.  She did the right thing, cuz say she did call Bill Cosby…she’d mess around and be dranking coffee with him one minute and be nekkid the next wonderin’ what happened.  And he’d be standin’ over her in that patchwork robe and black socks.  And dress shoes.

It came on again tonight.  The guy who got fired first tried to go toe to toe with Geraldo Rivera.  You cain’t do that and win.  That thang still relevant years after his show first aired back in the 80s and early 90s.  I knew ol’ boy was gon’ go home when he brought Juh-raldo back into them people’s boardroom.  I started hummin’ “You Cain’t Win Chile” like Michael Jackson when he played the scarecrow in the The Wiz.  The ladies won the challenge for the second time on the next episode, and Gilbert Gottfried (sp) got voted off. He shoulda.  Just all loud and wrong and inappropriate durin’ his team’s presentation.  I was scared Terrell Owens (TO) was gonna go.  Let’s face it – the black contestants don’t fare well on these types of show.  Just like when the black people get kilt first in scary movies.  T.O. handled himself well in that boardroom – level headed, thoughtful, articulate.  This may be his shot at redemption.

Kenya Mo’ was being Kenya Mo’.  Vivica was the project manager for the girls team the second time.  I was glad she won cuz that presentation they did turned into one big ball of unorganized sheeit.  But in the end, they were still better than the men.  I am liking the castin’ choices for this year’s show.  Trump cain’t be trusted when it comes to pickin’ out the proper toupee, but he damn sure knows how to pull together the right fokes for ratings.  I am waitin’ on Vivica and Kenya to come to blows…..

And with that, I gotta be out. I done drifted off like I got sleep apnea five times while writing this blog.  Night Night!

Follow Me on Twitter @staylorclark

So like most ol’ people, I fell asleep wayyy ‘fo the ball dropped in Times Square…which is even sadder when you realize I live in Texas.  I just can’t seem to stay up til midnight now that I have hit my 40s.  I even made myself get up and go to a neighborhood restaurant for a drink with the hubby.  I had a Mexican Sparkler which is a fun-sized bottle of champagne served upside down in a margarita.  Yeah, that only made me sleepier.  We live 5 minutes from the restaurant, and I started yawnin’ when the hubby started the car.  All this is even sadder when y’all realize that my kid (who’s 5) went to a New Year’s Eve Party at the after-hours childcare place.  I told her when she got dropped off that I would see her next year (she ain’t get the joke – kids *side eye*).  Little did I know, no truer words had ever been spoken.

I must admit…I was sorta glad to put 2014 behind me.  It was a rough year.  Even though I finished chemotherapy for breast cancer in 2013 (December 26th to be exact – oncologists can be so cruel!), I suffered with side effects for another six months.  I also got expanders put in during my double mastectomy (expanders are temporary breasts that the plastic surgeon fills each visit to expand your chest and ready it for the permanent breast implants) and one started to fail during chemo.  Well it burst last year (May).  I woke up to a bloody chest.  Gives a whole new meaning to “I woke up like this..”  So I had emergency surgery for that and didn’t have enough skin left to close the wound so I had to wear a wound vac.  Which meant I also had to have a home health care nurse come every couple of days to change the dressing and repack the wound.  I wouldn’t wish that sheeit on my worse enemy!  Painful.  And open wounds smell bad no matter how much they wash it out.  And it was sore.  For a long time.  31 days I wore that wound vac.  Don’t even make me relive the home health care nurse-scapade.  Whew chile – that first one needed her license revoked!  And then it took til about September for the wound to close all the way, and it still looks gross to me.  A month later, the other expander failed and I became flatchested.

Let me just say this – boobs make your clothes fit so much better.  I can’t wear strapless.  I look like a little boy in  wifebeaters.  Shirts look crazy.  Dresses look crazy.  I got a big arse and no boobs.  Just skin stretched over some bones.  I’m sorry – scarred up skin.  I do have some inserts but they just make me miss having boobs so much more.  I’m gon’ get me some boobs in 2015.  Some big ol’ nasty boobs.  I might even go topless for bout 3 months.  Sheeit..y’all ain’t gon’ be able to talk to me.  I’m gon’ topple over into erry happy hour and party.  But I digress.

2014 wasn’t all bad though.  I got to travel again – headed to Nawlins with the fam for my first trip since June 2013.  McK had beignets for the first time and even though I was in a lot of pain, I tried to make the best of it for my little girl.  Then, we were off on the retreat for cancer survivors and their families (Little Pink Houses of Hope) in NC Beach for a week.  We loved it and met some great families.  We all had breast cancer in common, but drew strength from each other for that week and built lasting relationships.  Then I headed to DC for the NABA Convention where I was honored with the National Community Service Award.  I wore a strapless.  With one boob and the other one made of socks.  LOL!  Hey, I looked cute.  (I think).  But I was worried that I would trip on the front of my dress walking up on that stage and that the gig was gon’ be up.  Thank GOD favor ain’t fair!  I made it and only Dana and Kathy were the wiser.

I went to Kansas City for the first time on a girls trip with one of my sisters and her aunts and cousins.  That was such a fun trip that I almost didn’t take because I needed to have surgery to remove that other expander.  Also, that open wound was still giving me problems.  I went anyway and so glad I did.  Had the best time!  Danny’s Big Easy was really fun – ceptin’ for the old man who was sangin’ and lickin’ his damn guitar.  He wanted to see each one of us nekkid on check day!  The fam took a trip to Memphis/Tunica and I got to see all my old classmates since I had missed them in 2013 (my 25th reunion) and I had great time with the BFF and enjoyed some good eatin’.  I had to get on FB and beg for a hook-up to make some of it happen, but hey, ye have not..cuz ye ask not, right?  LOL.

Then it was off to Florida to see my in-laws and my boys…that was a really fun trip and I had a good time with family.  And then, I headed to the Cayman Islands with 10 of my girlfriends.  Loved soaking up the beach, drankin’ good dranks and making fun memories.  But that trip left me broke for bout fo’ (holdin’ up five fangers) weeks.  I’m excited for the trips in 2015.

2014 brought us THOTs (I wonder who came up with that anyway); Daddy and Mama Pope; How To Get Away With Murder (in case you were planning something); low gas prices ($5 is gas money again!); election disappointments (some foke are just now findin’ out Texas new governor is in a wheelchair); Nikki Minaj; more Beyonce and all them 50-11 videos she made along with a concert with her man; Top Five (mine is Biggie, Pac, Jay-Z, MC Lyte, Big Daddy Kane); the Porscha/Kenya ‘snatchdown’; Apollo Nida’s second prison term; Barack Obama still emailin’ foke and beggin’ for money; epic HBCU homecomings (go JSU – thee I love); Frozen with Elsa and Anna and the song “Let It Go”; motherhood for Lil Kim and Kim K; a second marriage for Kim K; Ray Rice and Solange up in them people’s elevator; and even bigger booties.

I can only hope that 2015 will be just as uh..er…colorful.  Happy New Year Everyone!  I spent mine relaxing, sippin’ Mommy Juice and watching Lifetime while enjoying time with the family.  Oh, I also got in some shopping. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  Love y’all!

I am convinced that Mama Joyce is just not a happy person.  The show opened with her sister Nora throwin’ a fam’ly barbecue.  I knew it was some foolishness goin’ on because Mama Joyce had that ol’ nasty look on her face.  That’s what happens when you let the devil use you.  Cuz Nora had done cooked or catered all that good food and prayed a real nice prayer and errythang.  And her sister (Mama Joyce) up in there mad at Kandi cuz her man (Mama Joyce’s) done toe out erry bathroom and wall in Kandi’s old house.  And just left the sanks and toilets and tubs out in the flo’. If I was Kandi, I’d be mad too.  Mama Joyce attitude was real stank for somebody that stay talmbout Todd in a negative way .  I’m with Kandi.  You got a brand new house and ain’t even got to pay the water bill and you mad?  Bye Felicia.  Kandi need to tell Mama Joyce the new house is OFF.  Let her and her raggely arse man live up in Kandi ol’ house with all the toilets and bathtubs and sanks sittin’ on the floor.  I like Todd more and more each week.  That thang was trashtalkin’ during the Spades game so he alright with me.

Y’all know how I hate randoms, right?  Well, tonight we got to meet another one via RHOA.  Now I kinda knew her (she played Janine in House of Payne, that Tyler Perry comedy) but she still qualifies as a random.  She burst on the scene tonight…like all randoms do – doin’ the most with the least.  She just happened to roll through Cynthia’s spot lookin’ for models with white on and her stomach all the way out tryna be Beyonce but lookin’ more like Deyonce.  Speaking of that meeting with Cynthia, does Peter work?  Have any friends ‘ceptin’ for Todd and Apollo?  Cuz he ALWAYS up in the Bailey Agency.  Or at Bar None..I mean Bar One, you know, ‘fo it closed.  He don’t neva let Cynthia just hang with her girls or have meetings with foke without showin’ up AND participating.  I think I would be okay with him being around all the time, if he would keep his ol’ arse trap shut.

Okay back to the random.  Apparently the random been datin’ Roger Bobb.  Yes, apparently that is his name.  His whole damn name.  So now we got a random that is bringin’ along another random.  My only explanation for it is two randoms equal a relevant person.  It’s like they cancel each other out.  You know like how they say two ugly people will always produce a cute baby.  It don’t make sense, but it just works out that way.  So she was supposed to be doin’ a video release party (I’m with Phaedra – I ain’t know they did that anymore).  Hell, Beyonce just shot a video on her Iphone and released it.  And she got WAYYYY mo money.  Now the shade comes in because Kenya Mo’ was in a photo with Roger Bobb (yeah, I don’t like typin’ the extra characters for his name but that’s how errybody was saying it so I’mma just roll with it), and the blogs thought Kenya had a new man.  Roger Bobb worked for Tyler Perry and now he’s a millionaire producer.  They say that man keeps a check AND several females.  Roger Bobb been keeping his relationship with the random a secret while he been runnin’ amuck all up and through Atlanta’s sangle scene.  She wanted the video release to also be her comin’ out party with Roger Bobb.  When Roger Bobb talked, I sorta thought he mighta already come out.  How YOU doing?

Kenya accepted Roger Bobb’s personal invitation to the random’s video release party after telling her that yeah, the random IS his lady and he claimin’ her now.  Kenya shows up, along with Cynthia, Phaedra, Porscha, that other random (Claudia), Porscha’s sister (Porscha make sure she brang that thang wherever they got a VIP and free dranks LOL)  and Brandon (Kenya’s lightskinded friend who got the color beat off him by Apollo last season).  The random’s outfit was doin’ way to much at the party – side boobs, puckering in her top and a green sequin mermaid-ish lookin’ skirt with blue shoes.  Just a lot goin’ on for no damn reason.  She also let them all know Roger Bobb wasn’t gon’ be there.  I told y’all he was already “out”.  But that wasn’t the worst of it (cuz it’s pretty bad that your manager/man/sex buddy ain’t show up to your vdeo release party).  They couldn’t get the video to play..and when they finally did, the sound wouldn’t play.  That video release party was TRAGIC (just like that rag mop NeNe was wearin’ on her damn head with them bowl cut bangs lookin’ like a fake arse blond Moe from The Three Stooges).  Maybe Roger Bobb knew that mess was gon’ be ratchet and thus, stayed home watchin’ an episode of Orange Is The New Black.  The random and Kenya talked about Roger Bobb and Kenya let her know she ain’t want Roger Bobb’s ol’ whorish arse.  Wait…y’all hear that?  Oh you don’t hear nothing?  That’s the same thing Kenya and the audience said at that video release party when that ol’ mute video played.

I ain’t gon’ even talk about NeNe and them QVC fashions.  I saw Greg.  NeNe’s hair was a catastrophe.  Okay, I’m done with NeNe nem.

The highlight of the night was Apollo showing up at the video release party.  That thang wasn’t even invited and went, but Roger Bobb couldn’t show up?  Okay.  Apollo ran up on Phaedra..was talkin’ crazy..huggin’ her…tellin’ her he loved her while she ignored him, tried to shrug him off and just generally looked uncomfortable when he was huggin’ her.  I wasn’t mad at Phaedra.  I woulda been uncomfortable too if that thang was all on me all close like that.  Hayle, if he will steal a 401K from a stranger, he will damn sho’ steal his wife’s purse or sift through her pockets when she ain’t looking.  I woulda checked my person when he let go.  Hayle, all the ladies shoulda checked they purses and wallets.  Apollo was on countdown to lockdown.  He ain’t have nothin’ to lose.  Speaking of lockdown, ain’t Apollo on the longest countdown to prison EVA?  I’ve been thinking about writing him a letter, but because he is such a criminal, I would need a P.O. Box for the return address.  I wouldn’t want that felon knowin’ where I live.

Apollo did some good this week though.  He was givin’ Teresa Guidice tips on stayin’ alive and well in prison. Y’all know she on RHONJ.  I hollered when he said she should eat the prison food but go light on the starches.  In other words, she gon’ need to keep up her strength to fight for her prison virginity AND she gon’ need to watch her weight lest she blow up like Da Brat.  Y’all know y’all thought she was Lady of Rage on the Soul Train Music Awards.  That thang looked like somebody put a bicycle pump in her mouth and went “woosh, woosh, woosh”.  Lawd, I hope Da Brat nor none of her friends read this blog.  Y’all know she believe in hittin’ foke in the head with bottles and such.  I don’t fight grown men.

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Y’all know how selfless I am.  I’m always thinking of ways to help y’all with various guides to various thangs.  So I was wonderin’ how I could give y’all some tips to get you through Christmas, and I had an “aha” moment (you know, like Oprah be sayin’ but with A LOT LESS money and clout).  I’m gon’ give y’all some gift givin’ tips for Christmas.

Christmas is a good time to clean out your closet.  You know that stuff you bought either thinking a) Imma lose weight and be able to wear it b) it was only fi’ dollars on sale when the original price was $25 or c) I really like this but then you got it home?  Yeah, not so much.  All you gotta do is pull some of that stuff out, slap some wrapping paper on it and hand it over the gift recipient.  Normally, I tell foke to leave tags on stuff ‘specially if you can use the original price tag versus the clearance/sale sticker and act like you spent a lot of money when you didn’t.  But since you pullin’ out stuff that may be 5-7 years old, you need to get rid of all evidence of such.  Cuz ain’t nothin’ worse than tryna return a gift and being told “Ma’am, this was bought in May.  Of 2009.”  Hopefully, it’s something good and something that the person can use.  If it ain’t…well not your problem.  This tip may not work for BFFs (they were probably with you when you bought it), your mama, your spouse, or your kids’ teacher (ain’t no sense in putting your kid at risk of being left behind over a janky arse gift).

I am definitely a fan of re-gifting.  That crockpot you got that’s still in the box because you already have three will make a good present for Aunt Mary.  Hayle, she like to cook anyway, and this way she can throw together some ingredients at 7 a.m. and have a full meal by 3.  So don’t be so quick to take stuff back or poke your mouth out cuz you got a dollar store gift from the gift exchange at your job…put it in the re-gifting pile and you got a head start on next year’s shopping.

Everybody has one….somebody on their list who has ERRYTHANG.  This person is really hard to buy for because when they want somethin’, they go buy it.  Messin’ up foke Christmas lists and whatnots.  That person is a prime candidate for the gift card.  Now, the problem comes because you don’t want to be seen as too cheap, so what is a good amount?  Glad you asked (you prolly didn’t but this is my blog, so I can pretty much make any and all assumptions I want).  At a minimum, $20-$25 is always a good amount.  Stick to Visa or Amex giftcards (be mindful of fees) and or get them to stores where the person can either buy something outright or they don’t have to add more than $20 or $25 of their own money.  In other words, don’t roll up in Neiman Marcus and buy a $25 gift card.  Unless the person can shop at Neiman Marcus Last Call or gon’ buy ONE Godiva candy bar.  And for that, you may as well give them a gift card to Godiva.

Since we talking about food, cooking some and givin’ it to a person as a gift is NEVER a good idea unless a) the person is a close relative AND b) they pretty much ask you outright to make them something.  I have always been leery of other people’s cooked food.  I don’t know if they good on handwashing or got dogs that be tasting they stuff for ‘em.  Hayle for all I know, they had a sneezin’ fit while they were rolling the dough or patting it out, and didn’t cover they noses and mouths and now the rum balls got all kinds of influenza droplets in ‘em.  Go buy some damn cookies and wrap them as a gift.  Keep them overly crisp struggle cookies to yourself.

Teachers LOVE gift cards.  Now they fond of the little artsy craftsy stuff you done made from Pinterest ideas too but if you go that route, still add a little gift card to their favorite restaurant (lunch is typically $10) or a store like Target or something (yeah Target, you owe me some money for this mention – don’t make me come back in here and edit it to be something else) where they can still buy what they want.  If errybody in the class gives the teacher a plastic apple..well now she got 20 plastic apples she got to add to the 20 plastic apples she got last year and the year before and find somewhere to store all that sheeit.  I’m sure they probably end up in the trash at some point.  You don’t teach for 20 years and keep all them knickknacks and whatnot.  So do yourself a favor and save yourself some time and give them people a gift card.  They educate your kids…and they underpaid so they deserve something extra to treat themselves.

Your daddy and your husband are really tired of getting socks, drawls and ties.  That is what they wanna tell YOU but they don’t want to hurt your feelings.  Think outside the box and get them something for a hobby or something else they like to do.  Sports tickets?  Yes.  One of them Swiss Army knives with all them wrenches, bottle openers and pliers attached?  No.  Unless your daddy is a handy man like Overton Wakefield Jones from Living Sangle, don’t do it.  Expensive cologne is good…blazers…suits…restaurant giftcards….wine or Grey Goose (if they drink)….all good.

Your siblings?  I say don’t exchange gifts with them.  Errybody old and grown now and able to buy they own gifts and whatnots.  If there aren’t many kids in the family, you can pull names and then refer to the points above.  The only time it is acceptable to buy a sibling a gift outright is if you buy for a whole tribe of nieces and nephews, and the sibling in question ain’t contribute a kid to that tribe.  If he or she is childless and you buying stuff for nieces and nephews, then yes, you can send them a little gift card or somethin’.

Your BFF will probably like whatever you give her because y’all probably know each other really well or y’all wouldn’t be BFFs.  She probably tired of getting shoes and clothes though, so try to be creative and think outside the box or surprise the BFF with a gift card so she can buy her own sheeit for a change.

And lastly, we gon’ talk about Mama.  Whew Chile. I done got teary eyed!  Y’all know I love Mamas even though I ain’t had no good luck in that department.  Mama deserves whatever you can afford to give cuz Mama done REALLY allowed you to get your whole life from birth!  Mama will be really happy with some extra coinage in her purse.  Mama is okay with gift cards but Mama is ol’ school.  Mama really likes cash.  You can’t go wrong givin’ your mama a few hundred dollars for Christmas so she can shop at multiple stores, buy her some extra groceries or just put it under her mattress and watch it draw interest.  Seriously though, if your relationship is tight like it is supposed to be, Mama deserves the world for raising you to be the successful person you are.  You should want to honor that for Christmas and all year round!!!!!

Well, I think I covered most foke you gotta buy for.  You can always do a little gift card for your neighbor, the mailman, your stylist, or the trash pickup guys.  You know nowadays, errybody wants a tip or something extra for doin’ they damn job.  Just don’t go broke tryna buy for errybody.  You still got kids to buy for (I ain’t include them cuz they got all kinds of guides to help you in that department) and pay your bills come January.  You don’t want to start 2015 in the hole so to speak.

Alright, I’m outta here. I gotta go check my closet.  I still gotta give my BFF a gift and I think I got somethin’ with the tag on it that I bought circa 2012 with her name on it……

Yeah, I ain’t have no bidness watchin’ but as a pop culturologist, I wanted to see the first episode as research.  So I could watch it for myself, form my own opinion and blog about it.  I was soooo hoping that I’d be pleasantly surprised.  That they were going to have these women working together on some common community service project in the name of Greek unity.  And then, I realized a couple of minutes in (somewhere around the time when the girl reppin’ pink and green was flippin’ her store-bought hair and tryna convince herself that she is pretty…or was it around the time when one of the girls repping crimson and cream was grindin’ all ‘cross them people’s strip club flo’?) that this was STILL VH1, home of the shows that show African-American women in the worst light ever, with mess, and fights, and drama.

Now, I understand in this culture where errybody wants to be a celebrity, foke are always tryna “get on” to enjoy 2 to 5 minutes of fame and notoriety.  So I get it when the aspirin’ rappers and sangers and video chicks and would-be housewives who ain’t got much else goin’ on try to sell a digital download or seven….or try to come up on a baller husband or three.  But I don’t understand women who would sell out their beloved sorority affiliation and possibly membership for a little bit of fame that is already fleeting.  And this ain’t even the “good kind” of fame.  This is like the fame that has your other sorority sisters pretty much hatin’ your arse and questionin’ the mindset of the sorority sisters who “made” you.  I’m wondering what the founders would think of these shenanigans.  That should be the tagline or hashtag for anybody who mentions this treachery.  “WWYFS”.  What Would Your Founders Say?

Even the mix of members they found was off, there was like one member of the blue and white..one member of the blue and gold…one to two members of the pink and green and like 10 members of the crimson and cream.  Seriously though, there was one too many of ERRYBODY.  I hope this doesn’t get my own pearls snatched but while we were busy comin’ up with dress codes for the recent public protests, we obviously weren’t mindin’ the shop because this should have never been allowed to air.  Errybody’s headquarters should have put the fear of GOD in all they members about participating in this foolishness.  Honestly though, if you were SERIOUS about your membership and affiliation in any of the organizations, you would not have been a willing participant in VH1’s latest exploitation antics.  Meanwhile, somewhere, members of these organizations are clutching their pearls and that ol’ Mona Scott Young is steady cheesin’ that Cheshire Cat grin and cashin’ checks on the heads of some mo’ Black women she gon’ make look bad.

And I watch a few of the reality shows but have felt like other than being a Black woman, I couldn’t relate to the people being shown.  Tonight hit close to home because at least two of the women held themselves out as my sisters.  But I guess it’s like a friend of mine said, errybody who wears the shield or other insignia on they chest (t-shirts) ain’t a sister.  Yeah, she was right.

So yeah, I watched the show.  That is 60 minutes of my life that I can NEVER get back.  I don’t have anything to discuss as far as plot or storyline because there seemed to be a lot of fake and manufactured “drama” between the organizations.  These are supposed to be grown arse successful women, but they beefin’ and talmbout “what set you from?” because they joined different organizations?  Yeah, okay.  And they were borin’ as hayle – let’s be clear.  Pledgin’ was likely the best thing that happened to all of them.  I ain’t even attempt to learn they names, cuz I ain’t care enough.  I’m sure they are being dragged (as they should) all up and through Twitter.  I figga I am going to join the protest against the advertisers..you know as soon as I finish my Christmas shopping.  Both Amazon and Wal-Mart were on the list – y’all just took my Black Friday away.  I got a small chile to buy for – I cain’t give up errythang this season.

Seriously though, this was my first and last time watching this.  I will NOT be a party to this foolishness.  The show was sad, at best, and tragic, at worst.  I was embarrassed the whole time I was watching.  I kept thinking they had set the sororities back 20 years…then 50..then 100..then 100 years ‘fo they were founded.  Yes, it was THAT bad.  I shoulda had a V-8 and watched old episodes of Scandal.  At least that is supposed to be fake.  I cannot believe these girls done sold out their beloved organizations for increased followers on Instagram and Twitter.  One of them even said “you know nothing about sisterhood”.  Actually, Dear, none of you know anythin’ bout sisterhood.  I hope it was worth it to them……putting a black stain on the rich history of these illustrious organizations in the name of “fame”.  Looks like some pearl snatchin’ needs to happen in short order.

Damn, I ain’t blogged in a month of Sundays!  Why y’all ain’t say nothin’?  Anyway, I did get a chance to watch RHOA after McKenzie had me watchin’ Tangled with Rapunzel nem.  I couldn’t believe that lady stole her as a baby and stayed young cuz of all that hair Rapunzel had.  But this ain’t bout Rapunzel.  This is bout the RHOA and how NeNe and Cynthia nem was huggin’ it out at them people’s restaurant.  I was glad they made up…but then I got confused when I saw the scenes between NeNe and Greg and Peter and Cynthia.  Sheeit…DID they make up?

I also knew Peter wasn’t gon’ be happy that Cynthia and NeNe reconciled.  NeNe called yo’ man a beetch baby..said he was beetch made and you all the way giddy after you done met with her.  You don’t be that damn happy when Peter be kissin’ on yo neck and givin’ you worms.  Y’all know they say ol’ people give you worms.  Anyway, Uncle Ben old and set in his ways.  Y’all know how ol’ people are.  He ain’t tryna have that old NeNe energy and bad spirit messin’ up his happy home.  Or his sex life which was crazy to me.  Why are they havin’ more sex with NeNe outta the picture, unless Cynthia and NeNe been on them trips spoonin’ and whatnots?

I love me some Greg Leakes.  That thang is an ol’ pimp.  He got him some veneers and they stay white Hunny.  That’s them Leakes veneers cuz NeNe got her some too.  Looked like she done kinda had ’em shaved down cuz I do ‘member when they was almost too big for her mouth.

What else happened?  Oh, somebody was suin’ Derek J for stealin’ they bags of Brazilian and replacin’ it with a Yaki knockoff.  Yep, they said he was at his salon stealin’ foke hair.  So he came to Phaedra Parks because he had been served (and not in the way he wanted to be).  That thang had on a pair of Manolos that left the whole left side of his feet exposed  I know his pinky toes was crumpled up like ol’ dollar bills in them tight arse shoes.  His foot is too damn fat to be squeezin’ ’em up in them people’s shoes.  I sorta shook my head when they showed him up in Phaedra’s office because I know he bout to lose his case goin’ to Phaedra.  See Kandi, Sheree, that stripper, Bobby Brown, etc.  He should take his chances with that damn divorce attorney errybody go to in Atlanta.  His record ain’t much better but at least Greg and Todd will get a couple checks in the event of divorce.

Cynthia got to walk in fashion week, where she was self-conscious bout that booty she done grew during the RHOA hiatus.  I coulda told her when she left New York and ventured South to Atlanta, she was gon’ grow booty.  It’s just somethin’ that’s gon’ happen and ain’t nothin’ you gon’ be able to do bout it.  Kenya came to support her friend and reminded me that I missed her this episode.  As always, she SLAYED in that red dress that was slit from the roota to the toota!  Cynthia’s baby daddy and her husband were sitting together as she sashayed down they runway.  I like that they both done hit but still can break bread together.  Sorta like Shug Avery’s husband and Mistah in The Color Purple.  “I had her…you had her…we done both had her in our own way…”

The rest of the show was devoted to Todd and Kandi and how Mama Joyce called Miss Sharon a prostitute.  It was soooo uncomfortable watchin’ the flashback of Mama Joyce talmbout that lady like that, now that she done passed on into glory.  I like Todd and Kandi together, but I think Mama Joyce ain’t gon’ rest til she mess up they happy home and Kandi steady helpin’ her.  Kandi coulda saved that money she spent on that house for Mama Joyce and just moved Mama Joyce up in her house.  Cuz Kandi gon’ end up sangle and bitter just like her mama if she don’t stand up to that ol’ lady.  And she ain’t got to be mean to her, but she can stop upholdin’ her mama in foolishness.  Yes, Mama Joyce is goin’ to be the undoin’ of that marriage fo’ it get started good.  I saw how Bravo did some foreshadowing (and SHADING) when they panned to Todd’s ringless fanguh when he was up in them people’s restaurant with Uncle Ben and Cynthia.

I did holler when Miss Sharon said she was gon’ punch Mama Joyce in the mouth.  Now, I don’t condone violence but when you come out cho’ mouth all reckless and sheeit, sometimes, you gotta take a fist to the grill.  So I gets it.  Mama Sharon said she was gon’ confront her when she see her…and Kandi aunt (not Nora but the other one that tried to help fight Carmon in them people’s bridal boutique) can get a little bit too if necessary.  In other words, Miss Sharon wasn’t nobody’s punk.  I am not sure how the rest of this is going to play out, but my hope is Mama Joyce apologized at some point to Miss Sharon.  It’s clear that this is a HUGE deal for Todd as it should be, but of course, Kandi (sweet as she is) is soooo unaware and still talmbout how her mama gon’ be her mama, she love her mama in wrong and right and she ain’t gon’ stand up to Mama Joyce.  I’m pretty sure if she ain’t stand up to Mama Joyce when she used all her credit cards buyin’ stuff off QVC and takin’ out loans and sheeit in Kandi and Rylie’s name, that she ain’t gon’ stand up for Todd in this situation either.

Oh well.  My hope is she don’t go to that divorce attorney that errybody in Atlanta go to, cuz Todd might end up with the old house, the new house AND Mama Joyce new house.

Maybe bad is too strong a word.  I’ll just say “fulla energy”.  I know my McK done spent a right smart of my money and had me expend a right smart of my time entertaining her.  Teachers definitely need a raise if they gotta put up with several McKs every day.  I can’t even imagine.  I would prolly walk out a classroom, leavin’ them lil minions to teach themselves.  Yep, I’m sticking by my stance that old people don’t need to have kids.  I call myself hedging my bets that I might end up livin’ with my child when I get oldER, but she done already told me (yes, she told me this) that if me and her Daddy get sick, she just gon’ “live her life”.  Now what does that sound like to you?  Yep…ol’ fokes home in the same room, possibly with other roommates.  But I digress.

Thanksgiving is over.  Your family from out of town is headed back to their homes.  And it is okay to be happy bout that sheeit. You can love your family dearly, but you can also get tired of they arses after a while.  At yo’ house, eatin’ up all the food and leftovers, stoppin’ up yo’ bathroom toilet, suckin’ up your air or heat (dependin’ on where you live) and watchin’ up all the tvs so you can’t watch nothin’.  I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving though and that you used my tips and got yo’ Thanksgivin’ and your life.  I also hope you had libations, because adult beverages make even the most unbearable things bearable.  I also hope nobody got into a for real, for real fight.  The holidays can sometimes bring out the worst in people.  Foke get fulla dat oil, and thank they can say ANYTHANG.  Oh well, people can be crazy sometimes.

My Thanksgivin’ was pretty uneventful.  I didn’t go anywhere because I went to Florida to visit my sons earlier this month, and then went to the Cayman Islands with my friends the week after that.  I did miss my sisters and the rest of my family though.  But honestly, it felt good to get out and travel and take some much needed vacation earlier in the month, because for about 7 months from the last quarter of last year until about May this year, I couldn’t do much being in treatment for breast cancer.  Couldn’t go anywhere or be around crowds with low blood counts.  I had 4 surgeries in ONE year’s time.  And suffered through wearing a wound vac over an open wound and havin’ home health care come to change my bandages out every two days for over a month.  That was probably one of the worse things to go through next to chemo.  That first home health care nurse said she was a doctor in her country, but that must have equaled to goat herder in America because she couldn’t change a bandage efficiently and painlessly for sheeit.  I ended up tellin’ her not to darken my door (as Big Mama nem used to say) no mo’ lest she limp back to her car.  Whew…..I need to talmbout somethin’ else cuz I can feel my fist ballin’ up.

I was so happy this Thanksgiving to NOT be in chemo…to actually be able to taste my food..and to still be alive.  I met people in treatment last year that were not so fortunate.  I am celebrating LIFE because the truth is, none of knows the day, time or hour.  Live each day to the fullest.

But back to Thanksgiving.  I didn’t participate in Black Friday for the second time because I was too sick to be around crowds last year AND this year, I was supporting the movement.  That didn’t stop me from spendin’ time with the kid – we did somma errythang.  She also got a doll from American Girl, one of the biggest scams to take all yo’ money ever.  I am so mad I didn’t think of that first.  That doll was $115.  I coulda bought 10 dolls for that at Wal-Mart.  And don’t get me started on all the outfits and accessories.  McK gone need a JOB.  And I needed some good thread count sheets for cheap, but y’all ain’t let me have ’em.  I think I got hit in the pockets!

And now McK wants a dog.  I don’t do dogs.  I never grew up with dogs.  Growin’ up in the Mississippi Delta, there were like these neighborhood dogs.  They ain’t even have a name..you needed one, you just called him “Dog” and he came.  I never saw dogs (even puppies) up in nobody’s house.  They were all out in the backyard or under the house (don’t ask) or in the outside storage rooms or under the car.  But she is my baby, and I’m likely gonna cave and buy a dog.I will just say, y’all pray for that dog.  I can see that dog raisin’ a crooked paw and pointin’ it at my baby while sayin’ “Until you do right by me..” like Miss Celie did to Mistah in that movie.

Oh well, I’m rambling.  That’s what happens early on a Sunday morning when you are trying to give up sugah because you know it will be better for your overall healthy.  While you prayin’ for that dog…pray for me.  Happy Post-Thanksgiving Everybody!

Thanksgiving 2014 is upon us!  I am so thankful to see another holiday and to be able to share it with family and friends.  GOD is indeed good!  Since I am eatin’ at somebody else’s house tomorrow and prolly gon’ make one lil side dish tomorrow mornin’, I’m sorta bored since I ain’t sleepy.  And y’all know when I am bored, I like to blog.  I also like to shop but since I got childcare and other bills, Imma just gon’ on and blog.

I think as we cook and eat up all this good holiday food and go from house to house collectin’ plates and calories, there should be some type of guide for how to act so when you get back to them people’s job on Monday, you feel fulfilled and well-rested.  Because I care bout y’all, I done put together a guide to help you get through Thanksgiving:

1) If you cooking dinner for Thanksgivin’, wash yo’ damn hands.  Now, this should be common sense, but like Big Mama used to say “Common sense ain’t all that common”.  Don’t nobody want no damn E coli all up and through they collard greens.  Wash your damn hands in some hot soapy water and dry them thoroughly.  Matta fact, errytime you work on a new and different dish, wash your damn hands again.

2)  Now I love Big Mama nem, but they used to do something that would just drive me batsheeit crazy while cooking – they would stir something, taste it and then put that same licked full of nasty saliva and bacteria spoon right back in the food.  As a kid, all I could do was pray and gon’ and ingest that spit in my dressing, but when you know better, you do better.  If you feel the need to taste your food to season it, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU, put that damn spoon in the dishwater and get a new clean spoon to stir the food.

3)  Social media got errybody postin’ pics of they food and hashtaggin’ it.  Everybody is damn Chef Boyardee and postin’ what they call “food porn”.  In other words, the food looks and tastes so good, you would have sex with it if foke ain’t look at you crazy for dry grindin’ with the cranberry sauce.  If the hashtag on that lil dried up turkey you done made is best summed up by #strugglemeal, please do all of your Facebook friends and Twitter and Instagram followers a favor and resist the urge to post that sheeit.  Nobody wants to see it.  If the damn turkey could, it would hide its damn face for the picture.

4)  This is an expansion of 3 above.  If your cake comes out of the oven all lopsided cuz you opened the oven door too many times AND you can’t even it out with the frosting, don’t take that damn cake to nobody’s house for Thanksgiving dinner.  Stop yo’ arse at Albertson’s, Kroger’s or Publix and buy a cake.  You can even cheat by putting it in your own cake dish or tupperware like you really made it.  Nobody will know as long as you take the store tag off.

5)  If  you are helping to make dinner and you say you are making the mac and cheese and errybody go to side eyein’ and hemmin’ and hawin’ talmbout they lactose intolerant or allergic to cheese, the real truth is nobody wants your nasty dry arse mac and cheese and they just too nice to tell you to stop volunteering to make it year after year.  Just put together a nice salad instead.  And see, you done saved them from feelin’ bad and lyin’ as well as extra calories that ain’t good no how.

6)  If you get invited to someone’s house for Thanksgiving that ain’t yo’ for real for real fam’ly, please don’t show up empty-handed.  Buy some boxed wine, some mid-priced vodka or bring a dessert to them people’s house.  “They” may say you ain’t gotta bring nothin’ but best believe after you done packed up yo’ tupperware fulla they good food and done left, they gon’ be talmbout you to they other friends.  You know the ones that brought something.  You may even be the subject of one of them thinly-veiled insulting FB posts.  You know the one – they talkin’ bout you and you know it’s bout you even though they ain’t said no names.  Groceries is expensive.  Ain’t nobody got time to be just feedin’ foke all willy nilly.  Oh and bring your own foil.  That sheeit expensive too.

7)  If you do happen to take a big helpin’ of Aunt Lula Mae’s sweet potatoes and she done had an off night on ’em (maybe she had too much of that ‘yak while she was cookin’ or left out the butter, the cinnamon AND the nutmeg cuz she done got old) and they taste all bland, don’t cause a scene.  Smile, quickly swallow that bite and then discard them when you are safely next to a garbage can or a small dog when nobody is looking.  It’s Thanksgiving…ain’t no reason to make Aunt Lula Mae feel less than cuz she messed up the sweet potatoes once in 20 years.

8) Speaking of dogs, don’t let your dogs be all up in the kitchen while you cookin’ for other foke.  Put that damn dog in another room or in his cage.  You know how people be treating animal owners who bring food to a potluck.  Well don’t let that be you.  Ain’t nothin’ worse than seein’ dog hair in the dressin’ or catnip all up in your pecan pie.  If you keep that dog out of yo’ kitchen, you ain’t got to worry bout that.

9)  Try not to overeat at Thanksgiving.  The more you eat, the further you gon’ be from that weight goal you done set for yourself.  Control your portions..don’t let them control yo’ arse.  Ain’t nothin’ halfway cute bout havin’ to unbutton your pants tryna get comfortable cuz you done ate up erry damn thang.  Have some self-control.

10)  Don’t get arrested.  Again, this should be common sense but erry year around this time, somebody’s drunk uncle acts up and the police gotta be called.  And you for damn sure goin’ to jail if the po-po gotta to drive out to your house because they already mad they gotta work on the holiday and now they busy instead of being able to just play on Facebook and count down to their quitting time so they can get home and enjoy Thanksgiving.  It may seem like a good idea to drank up errythang, get sloppy drunk and think you can fight errybody, but it won’t end well.  Plus, if you go to jail on a holiday, you gon’ be there til the next “business” day.  At least, that’s what I done heard.

I was gon’ stop at 10 cuz it’s a nice round number for a list, but I need to put in a bonus tip about Black Friday.  Pushin’ and shovin’ over a tv that is $25 off ain’t hardly worth it.  You know Wal-mart ain’t gon’ have but 5 in the whole store so why even put yourself in that situation if you got an anger management problem?  I don’t wanna see you on them people’s 5 o’ clock news gettin’ yo arse beat cuz you wanted the last crockpot.  Hey, I’m here to help!

Happy Thanksgiving Y’all!