In the words of that ol’ sage and self-proclaimed Southern Belle herself, Phaedra Parks, errybody knows I loves me some good reality show and some reality show tea, Hunny.  We are still a couple of weeks away from the Season 7 but Bravo done gave us an early Chrih-muh gift in the form of a teaser video *rubbin’ hands together*.

In the video, we see much shade bein’ thrown Porsha’s way.  Apparently, there’s a new broad.  Let’s refer to her as a “random”.  And for those of you new to my blog, let me define “a random”.  A random as it relates to the reality show world is somebody who is NEW to the scene or show that we don’t really know, who has questionable celebrity, and is always doing THE MOST in an effort to get on.  Notorious randoms would include that guy that played football and his wife who were on RHOA last season tryna talk bad about Phaedra and Kandi (season regulars).  Sometimes, randoms CAN get on and secure a spot.  See Phaedra Parks.  She done successfully turnt this thang in her favor and gone from being the attorney that was known for defendin’ Bobby Brown back in the 90s to a full-fledged reality star, authoress, and mortician.  Errythang BUT the attorney that she went to school to become.  I don’t know bout y’all, but she ain’t seem to be that successful at being an attorney.  Bobby Brown went to jail, and the only other case I knew her to have was Sheree’s chile support case and that gull got a fo’ figga settlement.

So anyway, about the new broad (I looked up her name..it’s Claudia Jordan).  Her biggest claim to fame to date is being one of the models who slid her hand over and under featured products and prizes on The Price Is Right.  I wonder if Bob Barker ever felt on her booty.  Y’all know they said that archaic Geritol-takin’ thang was a FREAK.  Anyway, Claudia is getting mighty cozy with Porsha’s ex-husband, Kordell Stewart.  Clearly, Claudia is tryna shade Porsha.  Porsha used to be a full-time housewife on the show, and now, without Kordell and the divorce storyline, she been demoted to “friend of the housewives with a recurrin’ role when the producers feel like lettin’ her on”.  So she gotta deal with this new girl takin’ her spot and all up in her former man’s face, takin’ selfies, and inboxin’ and whatnots.  Cuz you KNOW ain’t nobody really checkin’ for Kordell Stewart like that.  I hate callin’ foke ugly, so we’ll just say he’s facially challenged.  Claudia is also shadin’ Phaedra via Twitter and on the Rickey Smiley Show (where she done replaced Ebony Steele – y’all know I rocks with Ebony so I’m already kinda mad behind that).  I heard she also tries to come fuh Ne Ne on the show too.

They also show a clip where Apollo, mad cuz he gotta turn himself in to do his bid for stealin’ them foke’s mutual funds and IRAs, shows up at the house he shares with Phaedra and tries to come for her.  Lit’rally and fig’ratively.  I’m talmbout goin’ apesheeit.  I’m talmbout thank GOD Mr. President and Mr. Secretary of State (the two kids) were at her mama’s house cuz they daddy was ready to show his natchal arse!  Screamin’ on Phaedra, and tryin’ to put his chest to her chest  to instigate a physical fight, to the point where the police were called.  Now you gotta be some kinda special (and not in a good way) to have the police called on you when you was already headin’ down to the police station anyway.

Also in this clip, there are rumors of Phaedra havin’ affairs, what appears to be multiple fights, Kandi’s mama and Todd’s mama goin’ at it and Cynthia burnin’ up the infamous friend contract!  Bay Bay..this season 7 trailer allowed me to get my WHOLE life.  I’m talmbout from birth to middle age!

Whew Chile.  I wonder if the prison guards gon’ let Apollo watch?  I wonder how he’s farin’ now that Phaedra done officially filed for divorce and pretty much said she ain’t got let Mr. President and Mr. Minority Whip visit him?  I wonder if he done got his hair braided yet…if he done had to fight for his conebread while quotin’ Sophia from The Color Purple?  I wonder if Kenya done put money on his books?  I wonder if he still doin’ donkey booty squats on the yard?  Yeah, I cain’t hardly wait to see how this season plays out….

Bay Bay – Shonda did that tonight on Scandal!  I am still shaking and those last few scenes left me silent like a night at Christmastime.  I don’t know whether to smoke a cigarette or pour me a dirty martini (shaken, not stirred) cuz red wine and popcone ain’t gon’ do it.  I know I need to calm down.  I prolly shoulda done that before I started bloggin’ bout it.  I usually try to add in somethin’ on How To Get Away With Murder, but since that show leaves me more confused by the second, I figga’d I’d roll without it this week.  There was so much juiciness in Scandal tonight, it gave me life more abundantly!  Where to begin, Gladiators, where to begin…

The episode started off with a trap being set for Jake in the form of a car that had the gas line cut.  Since Jake is a trained killer who had a big arse knife blade twixt his fangers last episode, courtesy of Hayle and High Water, he noticed the leak under the car (I prolly woulda got in cuz my ol’ car be constantly leaking oil, antifreeze, windshield wiper fluid, etc. so it wouldna been nothin’ out of the ordinary for me), walked away and then hit the “boop boop” on his alarm, blowin’ it up.  Made me think about The Color Purple.  Like Jake was pretty much puttin’ up two crooked fangers like Miss Celie and pointin’ em back at Command while sayin’ “that jail you planned fuh me is the one you gon’ rot in…” but I digress.

Jake realized he was running out of time and roughed up Rosen like he does every episode (Jake treats him like his beetch ever since he splattered blood all over Rosen’s face while gunnin’ down Cyrus’ baby mama) to get the B6-13 files.  I started to wish Jake had just stayed on that island standin’ in the sun, cuz I knew he was a dead man walkin’.  I started speaking in slave-like hushed tones:  “Liv, gon’ let Fitz blow yo’ back out.  Jake be dead soon”.

Then, they showed Cyrus laid up with that random jump-off he been beddin’.  I wasn’t prepared for them two hard legs baskin’ in the afterglow but luckily, Cy got a call and had to leave.

The 1^st daughter made a sex tape and became a full-fledged THOT.  And not just any sex tape.  She got it in with two dudes with a move called “The Eiffel Tower”.  One of my summa cum laude friends looked it up and posted the link to the definition from The Urban Dictionary.  Lawd, I hate I ever read that definition and got the visual!  The parents of one of the boys she dry grinded with tried to blackmail the President, threatenin’ to go to TMZ and Harvey nem if they ain’t get $2.5 million.  Liv was back in the White House to save the day which made Liv 1.0 (also known as Liv “lite” also known as Abby or “Red”) mad.  Liv and Fitz almost ran amuck again in them people’s Oval Office, but alas, they ain’t have the right soundtrack for the dirty deed, so they stopped.  Fitz found out she not only left town when he needed her most (he almost died for goodness sake!) but left with Jake, his nemesis.  Liv saved the day with respect to the 1^st daughter’s hoeish ways, but sadly, could not save Jake.

Tom, the Secret Service agent that kilt Fitz’s son, had been threatened by Hayle and High Water (Daddy Pope) because he wanted Tom to kill Jake.  Jake tried to make a deal, but Tom wasn’t havin’ it cuz he realized the last time Jake was in charge (for like 6 minutes), all the lights, water and gas got cut off to B6-13.  He know Jake ain’t have no real power.  So he ended up throwin’ Jake under the bus and framing him.  Hayle or High Water wins again and Jake and Tom were both led out in handcuffs.  That damn Rowan Pope is a BAAAADDDDD man.  If he hadda been HALF this bad back when Whitley left him at the altar on a Different World, Dwayne Wayne woulda been scared to bust up in that weddin’ and steal his fiancee’ right out from under him.  Daddy Pope strutted out to some theme music  and headed to The Outback for a steak and a baked potato.  Doin’ dirt do be making you hungry so I feel him.

I can’t wait to see what happens next week.  Methinks Jake is headed for The Upper Room.  Sadly, even less people will probably attend his funeral than attended Harrison’s……

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

I’m headed to my college homecoming this week, and I am super excited.  I went to an HBCU and I’ve noticed foolishness and Thotty by nature behavior at HC around this time every year.  Since many of you out there are headed to your own homecomings as well, I thought I would list 10 helpful “commandments”  for homecoming behavior, if you will, as you journey back to the “yard”.  I’m doing this solely because I care:

• Thou shalt not spend all your rent and bill money tryna “ball to you fall”. In other words, when you get back home, you gon’ need them lights and water.  So if you cain’t afford premium likka, water with lemon is the next best choice and is likely free.  MC Breed said it best “ain’t no future (i.e. lights, gas, water,) in you frontin’.”
• Thou shalt not get drunk at parties. This should be a given, but as Big Mama used to say “Common sense ain’t all that common”.  First, your livah ain’t what it used to be when you were in your teens and early 20s.  Second, you are 40 now and likely somebody’s mama or daddy.  Maybe even somebody’s grandmama or granddaddy.  Fallin’ all out, slurrin’ your words and peein’ on yourself (or even threatenin’ to) is NOT a good look.
• Thou shalt not wear 10 minute shoes to 2 hour events. I know it’s half homecoming and half fashion show at these HBCUs, but you know your feet.  Better to wear some cute flats than have them thangs swell up like you a distant relative of the Klumps.
• Thou shalt not act like thine is sangle, when thine ain’t. If you married, don’t be tryna act like you ain’t got a spouse cuz yo’ arse back on the yard.  Infidelity does count, even out of town and even at homecoming.  Plus, you gotta go home and the other party has to go home too.  Prolly to a disconnect notice (see the first bullet above).  You don’t need that kinda stress.  Plus, y’all ain’t make it 20 years ago, so what makes you think you will now?  Get you a hug, exchange pleasantries and get thee the hayle on.
• If you are newly single, thou shalt not wild out. Be careful out there.  It ain’t as carefree as it once was back in the day.  Make sure you got your protection, and that you use it.  Maybe he was your first and vice versa back in the day, but y’all done had several boyfriends and girlfriends and even a husband or wife, or seven, so you need to act like he or she might have that Ebola and even consider wearing a Hazmat suit.  Plus, you can still get pregnant at 40 and 50, and I done already told y’all how old people shouldn’t have kids.
• Thou shalt not forget thine personal limitations. You cain’t go to every event or party and that’s perfectly reasonable. If there are fi’ parties happenin’ on one day, maybe you can only make two.  And that’s okay.  You old now..nobody expects you to still be able to kick it like when you were 20.
• Thou shalt not drop it like it’s hot if thou is sufferin’ from creaky joints, bad knees, arthritis or any other ailment of old age. I know you are a former winner of the local club’s “Running Man” or “Back Dat Thang Up” contests, but you were 20 then.  Ain’t nothin’ worse than bein’ that old person in the club with your hand in the air talmbout “hey naaaaahhhhh” while droppin’ it to the flo’ and gettin’ stuck there.  The two-step (movin’ side to side) is still a viable option for old people dancin’.
• Thou shalt get thine beauty sleep. Schedule some nap time each day so you can look well rested at parties and events.  You already old (yes, I keep having to remind you cuz you might get to homecoming and forget), so you don’t need to present with extra wrinkles and lines cuz you stayed up until fo’ the night before.  A good moisturizer will only do so much.
• Thou shalt not show up at people’s tailgates, bbqs or house parties expectin’ to eat up where you go along and you ain’t put nothin’ on the party AND you empty handed. Consider bringin’ some boxed wine if yo’ money is short (see first bullet point above) or your own meat and bread.  Ribs and such are EXPENSIVE.  Foke got kids to feed now..they cain’t be feeding you too.  Plus, they get a tax deduction for them kids…
• Greeks, if you are at a party, thou shalt not put a hole in them people’s flo’ steppin’. Plus, you likely bought them shoes you got on with your last on the way to homecoming (see first bullet point above).  You don’t need to tear up nobody’s flo’ or your own soles.  Also, smellin’ like Icy Hot the next day all up and through the party will NOT be cool.

I could go on and on with these homecomin’ commandments but I need to go pack for my own.  I also need to call the light and gas comp’ny to see if they will give me an extension for this month so I can be VIP at the homecoming parties when I hit Jackson.  #theeilove  Govern yourselves accordingly.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Lawd Y’all, Shonda Rhimes won’t let me excel and be great on Friday mornings!  I was all excited bout Scandal comin’ on an hour earlier ‘cause I thought that meant I could get to sleep at a proper hour and be well-rested for my job the next day.  But instead of that happening, I now have another show in my repertoire and one mo’ thang to blog about.  However, ‘fo I start talmbout Viola nem on How To Get Away With Murder, let me recap this Scandal thang.

Tonight’s show started out a lil slow for me.  I was still sober 15 minutes in which neva happens.  I was wonderin’ what I was gon’ talmbout in this blog until things started heatin’ up.  David Rosen finally stopped being scared of Jake long enough to actually play political chess in DC.  Bout damn time!

Mellie was still in that grungy ol’ housecoat and them nasty arse Uggs, sprawled out on her son’s grave eatin’ tater chips.  And just like in real life, the Secret Service allowed various breaches that included her being photographed from somebody’s long-lense-ded camera.  Of course, she made headlines the next day with the caption “The First Lady Done Went Crazy When The Chips are Down”.  I, for one, appreciated the play on words.  I also appreciated that plate of chicken she had in the next scene.  I could see why she ain’t wanna get up and put on a dress and makeup and whatnots to attend another one of Fitz’s long arse speeches because one good piece of fried chicken will make you kinda lazy, let alone seven.  She finally got it together and bathed, shaved, applied deodorant and supported her husband.  Then, she fell apart back at the White House, ruinin’ a good set of pearls in the process.  Bay Bay – I loves me a good set of pearls!  I felt her pain and agony and also the pain and agony of whoever had to sweep up them pieces of necklace from all over the floor.

The fixable moment occurred with a couple that was s’posed to attend Fitz’s speech.  The wife had ended up in a wheelchair because of gun violence and the husband was a decorated soldier…a good couple to highlight for Fitz’s gun control policies.  However, Liv had Huck and Quinn watchin’ over them, which wasn’t the brightest idea, but with Harrison in the Upper Room and Abby playin’ Liv Jr over at the White House, Liv had to work with what she got.  While Quinn and Huck were havin’ a lover’s quarrel in them people’s hotel bathroom and thisclose to dry grindin’, the wheelchair bound broad stabbed her husband in the leg with a corkscrew.  I guess she was like ‘hayle, I’m tired of bein’ the only one in this relationship in a wheelchair’.  He did not bleed to death even though he ain’t go to nobody’s hospital.  That’s how Liv nem do it.  I don’t think she provides insurance cuz the Gladiators don’t neva be able to call out sick.  Hayle, Quinn had her teeth extracted by Huck last season, and still ain’t seen a real dentist.  Speaking of Huck and Quinn, I don’t understand their relationship and I damn sho’ don’t understand how they be havin’ relations.  Ain’t no way you gon’ take a pair of pliers to my mouth and leave me with a partial plate in the back and I’m gon’ still be tryna get with you.

Cyrus tried to move on, which in my mind was too much too soon.  He is a single father now, and he doesn’t need to parade a gang of play cousins and uncles all up and through that baby’s life.  Plus the guy he got with turned out to be a male prostitute, which would explain why he was pushin’ up on ol’ arse weave wearin’ Cyrus at the bar.

We saw Jake trying to figure out what happened to Harrison, and finally got a glimpse of a toe-tagged body identified as Harrison.  I can’t be sure, but the corpse appeared to have a perm or Indian in its family.  I don’t recall Harrison havin’ hair like Katt Williams so this will be interesting moving forward.

Fitz and Liv finally got some alone time and she rewrote his speech.  She then headed over to Jake’s hotel room wearin’ nothin’ but a coat and long boots (they were hot too) where he proceeded to blow her back out all over every piece of furniture in there.  I’m sure he owes the hotel for damage.

I’m feelin’ How To Get Away With Murder a little more this week since they filmed most of it in the daylight.  I’m still confused though but that could be because of the wine I had.  I will learn Viola’s character’s name next week so I can stop referrin’ to her as Viola.  I see she like gettin’ tossed up just like Liv.  I also see she be talkin’ in hushed tones like she still havin’ them secret meetings with the other maids on The Help cuz whenever she was whisperin’ I had to hit the volume button on the remote.  She’s a damn good attorney though.  It is a solid show worth watching though I wasn’t ready for that one student actin’ all Brokeback Mountain up and through.  I was just gettin’ ova my upset stomach from watching Cyrus and that THOT he picked up at the bar.

I’m signin’ off.  I gotta go to work in the morning and I know Shonda Rhimes nem ain’t got nothin’ on these bills.  I’ll be here next week unless this Ebola thang gets so serious in Dallas that I have to move abruptly.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

So tonight the premieres aired for this season’s Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder.  Shonda Rhimes is going to OWN your Thursday nights and you ain’t gon’ have no life to get on the day between Wednesday and Friday.  All week long, I had been sad.  In mourning really, because I knew we were getting closer and closer to what was gon’ happen to Harrison (Columbus Short).  Last we seent him, he had a gun to his fo’head.  We knew it was not goin’ to end well when he allegedly beat up his wife.  He coulda possibly been suspended with the hopes of at least guest starring in some future episodes, but once he brought that drama and Ray Rice acted a damn fool in them people’s elevator on the same issue, it was over for him in Shondaland.

Tonight, we learned ol’ Harrison’s body had been found in the desert after he had been missin’ for some time.  Luckily, we were spared the actual killing and any related duct tape and plastic.  Liv had done changed her name to Julia Baker..um yeah, I got nothin’ on that one…and was layin’ in the sun (vs standin’) with Jake.  What else she and Jake were doin’ early on in the episode made me uncomfortable.

Fast forward a little bit and thangs done went from sugah to sheeit in DC, the White House, Olivia Pope and Associates and the Smithsonian where Daddy Pope pretends to work.  Abby done left OPA and is the new White House Press Sec-uh-tary (I always wanted to type that out like that!).  Huck is working as a computer tech and done changed his name to Randy, knowin’ good and damn well his crazy arse don’t look like a Randy.  Quinn is out on the streets tryna put the crew back together but still missin’ her back molars along with her old boyfriend apparently cuz we ain’t see him.  David Rosen is just happy to be alive and happy Jake is no longer after him.  Cyrus is back with a new weave I will call the ‘tease and pop’ cuz he tried to make paper thin hair full.  Mellie is depressed because her son died and obviously ain’t payin’ attention to personal hygiene (a housecoat AND uggs?  At the same damn time?).  Fitz is obviously missin’ Liv but has thrown himself into actually being the President vs flyin’ Liv to houses in Vermont and dry grindin’ with her to Stevie Wonder songs.  Daddy Pope is bout the only one doin’ the same damn thang he did last season – eating well at them people’s steakhouse and lying.

Tonight’s show was all about showing where everyone is in their lives (‘ceptin’ po Harrison who done bought the farm along with all its amenities) and a Scandal with a senator that nobody cares about because when he showed up on the screen errybody wanted to know who in the hayle is that and concluded that he was pretty much a random.  Y’all know I don’t do randoms.

The last part of the show was dedicated to Harrison’s fun’ral.  And let me say this.  James had a much better homegoing.  The only people at Harrison’s funeral were Liv and the other gladiators.  I’m talmbout no undertaker, no preacher, no mommy, no daddy.  Columbus Short actually had the nerve to host a watch party at an Atlanta area club (where I am right now!) which made no damn sense.  Sheeit, nobody even came to your damn funeral on tv…why would people come to your premiere party to watch you be buried?  We find out that Harrison grew up in a group home and ain’t have nobody but Liv nem.  That is so sad.  They shol’ put him away nice though.  Jake used some of his B613 retirement money to buy Harrison a real nice casket.  Truth be told, he prolly shoulda cremated him and saved that money.  Plus they would have a nice keepsake vase to put on they mantle.  I felt a little sad with the music they played and was glad it was closed casket.  I mighta hollered otherwise and dove straight into the tv.  I guess when you beat your wife, allegedly, you lose  your fooball job AND nobody attends your tv fun’ral.

Next up was How To Get Away With Murder.  Lawd that set was so dark, I could only see eyes and teeth on Viola Davis’ character.  There was also a lot of illicit sex, mayhem and debauchery.  I guess Viola Davis had somethin’ to prove since she is no longer the “help”.  That thang know she walks hard though.  She too little for that.  Though I had a hard time following the plot in the dark, I liked what I could make out.  I’m goin’ to add this one to the rotation.

And that my friends is how Shonda owned yo’ Thursday night this week and how she will continue to get yo’ life for the next several Thursdays.  I’m pouring out something for Harrison….I’m gon’ miss his ol’ suspender wearin’ arse.  I’m sure you noticed there was one additional attendee at the fun’ral.  Daddy Pope.  He said he ain’t kill Harrison, but we know he likes to lie.  He also said he took care of Mama Pope.  I swear he treat her like he never hit that befo’.  Just be lockin’ her in prisons, mental hospitals and the hole.  He must really hate her arse.,…

So I watched Love and Hip Hop Hollywood last night.  Hey, don’t judge me…I was bored and it was a slow night.  I’m sorry but it’s hard for me to take anything that Ray J does seriously.  He tries so hard to be more than Brandy’s little brother, but sadly, he fails time and time again.  He is supposably (*side eye*) an R&B artist but I can only think of one good song he done had.  “One Wish” was a nice song even though it had too much falsetto.  And when WAS that sex tape made that he did with Kim Kardashian?  Circa 2000?  I need him to stop talmbout he hit it first and conjurin’ up her name whenever somebody sticks a camera in his face.  Yeah, you made her famous but in the process, you should have made yourself really famous too.  How does that happen?  She blows up and you don’t.  She stay winnin’ and you stay doin’ the opposite.  She got clothes, perfume, dog toys, tv shows, stores, covers of magazines and you on Love and Hip Hop Hollywood.  Ray J gon’ need to do more to be better.  He is like the guy that tries really hard to be the cool kid but ends up being labeled “lame”.

Let’s see…who else was on the show that I remember, cuz honestly they had a lot of one-hit wonders and randoms.  Oh, Soulja Boy.  And I only know him cuz of that Supaman song that was out damn near 10 years ago.  He also said he was ‘an actor’ but the only thing I can recall him bein’ in was an old episode of The Game.  He had ONE line.  He was talkin’ like he was in some critically acclaimed movies and got nominated for a Hoody.  Chile…PLEASE.  He had a cute girlfriend though – she is Teddy Riley’s (GUY) daughter.  Wayyy too cute for him.  And she come from industry money so I couldn’t figga out why she was ridin’ with Soulja Boy.  He weigh bout 90 lbs soakin’ wet, tatted up and looks like he is need of a good bath complete with scrubbin’.  Plus, I thought he was with Diamond on that Sisters of Hip Hop Show two weeks ago so I was a bit confused.  Oh yeah, I’m up on the haps.  I have to be as a pop culturologist.

Omarion is also on the show…he was in B2K.  He got some random pregnant and his mama don’t get along with the girl.  Every Love and Hip Hop show since inception has had that dynamic – Chrissy, Jim Jones and his mama; Erica, Scrappy and Mama Dee and now these randoms (I don’t know care enough to try to find out their names).  I’m bored already apparently.  Next week is the “fake fight” so I may stick around for a couple mo’ episodes.  Though I don’t like real violence, the manufactured kind that brings ratings for ratchet-ry appears to be okay.  I’m okay with a good cup throwin’…a red cup tho’ like the one the new Miss America played the other night for her talent.  Lawd, that was a mess!  I was tryna to figga out what the hayle she was doin’.  She ain’t use TWO cups.  I think she won cuz the judges thought she was slow.  I think the lady with the ventriloquist dummy did better and you know Miss Mississippi sang that song (yes, I’m biased but I can be cuz this is my blog).  I am done talmbout Love and HIp Hop Hollywood, i.e. A Bunch of One Hit Wonders and Randoms Forever In The Studio But Ain’t Got No Music Playin’ Nowhere.

I also watched a little bit of Dancin’ With the Stars.  I also didn’t know a lot of these apparent has-beens and never was’es.  I am partial to ol’ Carlton from The Fresh Prince, but feels like it’s almost cheating to have him on there cuz he been dancin’ since he was 9 and in them Michael Jackson commercials and videos.  Tavis Smiley is on there also.  The years ain’t been that kind.  Matta fact, they been downright mean to his arse.  I guess errybody ages.  Betsey Johnson the designer is on there too.  I think she is either 72 or 92.  She did a cartwheel and a split.  I gave her five points for that but had to deduct them when she damn near slipped on a boa.  I don’t want her losin’ a hip and becomin’ disabled behind this show, so I’m gon’ ask that y’all don’t vote for her so she can go home.  I understand wantin’ the older foke to be able to connect with a dancer, but it’s too risky.  DWTS gon’ learn when they get served behind somebody’s sweet diabetes flarin’ up or breakin’ a hip or somethin’.  I don’t know any of the other foke.  They say that Olympian on there is a 32 year old virgin.  GOD bless her.  She cain’t move her hips for nothin’ but now that I know why, I think she should get the sympathy vote.

That’s it…slow week.  Cain’t wait till Scandal starts.  I know Daddy Pope got some stuff up his sleeve now that the lights and stuff been turnt back on…..

Yesterday, Phaedra Parks’ ex-convict hubby Apollo Nida reported to prison for an eight year stint.  Now, I was rootin’ for Apollo though I wondered a) what that self-proclaimed Southern Belle and attorney saw in him and b) what he was gon’ do in the way of employment outside of Bravo with a prison record.  But when he got Phaedra pregnant…twice…I was really hopin’ some of y’all would at least buy a couple copies of that Donkey Booty video they had done made so he could get his coins together.  So really, I could almost blame y’all for him goin’ back in the joint *side eye*

However, let the record (pun intended) show that I stopped cuttin’ fuh Apollo when he was caught out there bad with them texts to Kenya Mo’, and when he stole them people’s pensions.  There is just some stuff you don’t do.  And then he spread larceny all upon the name of the former Miss USA (yeah I done gave her title back cuz she responded to a tweet I sent her on Twitter…y’all will recall I had to demote her during the season to Miss Black College Park for actin’ a damn fool and twirlin’ all up and through the streets of Atlanta with them other Real Housewives, but I digress) and he bragged ‘bout blowin’ them people’s pensions in the strip club.  And he wasn’t even SHAME to say ON TELEVISION that he was droppin’ THOUSANDS a night in the champagne room and wasn’t even drankin’ champagne..nawl he was gulpin’ down premium liquor like Ciroc and rollin’ in a big body Mercedes.  Hayle, I work erryday and got the lil one, and it’s bout 12 years old.  He was up in Magic City just being nasty for no good reason, stuffin’ them people’s hard earned checks in them strippers g-strangs.  He prolly still ain’t got them baby oil stains out them good clothes Phaedra bought him.

I don’t feel sorry for Apollo, but I feel really sorry for his sons though.  Mr. President and Mr. Secretary of State did NOT deserve this.  He let them down in a big way.  I’m pretty sure Phaedra ain’t gon’ take them kids to see him in prison, which is probably a good idea.  They are young enough to forget him and she can always tell them he was the pool boy if’n they see old episodes of RHOA when they grow up.  I envision them in the penitentiary pickin’ up an ol’ germy phone with they lil hands on that window talkin’ to Apollo and I don’t like what I see.  Oh and I heard he sent a message to his “fans” ‘fo he went in.  Kneegro, you ain’t got no fans…you got victims.  You know..the people who actually OWNED them  pensions you done stole.

Yesterday, Ray Nagin, former mayor of New Orleans, also reported to prison.  Lawd, I love me a good cup of gumbo, but he done brought shame to the Crescent City and erry good beignet I done ever eaten there.  He had to report to prison in Texarkana.  Said he came in a little white car (I heard it was a ’92 Ford Escort…or did they say ’72?) and when got there, he stood outside as long as he could, just huggin’ his kinfoke.  That’s cuz he know they ain’t gon’ neva drive up from Nawlins to visit.  That’s far.  Plus, what they gon’ do in Texarkana besides buy some gas and a Big Gulp at the 7-11.  They sayin’ he is indigent, which is a nice word for real real poor.  My, my, my….how the mighty have fallen.  I remember him tryin’ to get Nawlins help during and after Katrina…tryna help people get back to they homes.  However, they say he did it on the backs of those same foke he tried to help – goin’ on lavish trips to Baton Rouge and Biloxi,  and dinin’ out at Ruth Chris nem, while settin’ up a bidness for his own family to benefit from others’ strife.  Hard to feel sorry for somebody when they done made the wrong choices.

Apparently, yesterday was a popular day to report to the joint. I would think prison is particularly hard on light-skinded men.  I’m sure they get their hair braided first and prolly are the first to be bought and sold for cigarettes and other commissary.  That’s why Apollo asked Kenya to put money on his books.  He know he bout to be part of various prison bartering transactions.  And to think, light-skinded men were just starting a resurgence in popularity, riding the wave of Barack Obama’s Presidential run and subsequent win (twice!) after bout 20-25 years of being out of style.  And then El Debarge caught a charge and Christopher Williams of “Promises, Promises” fame with that sheeit-stained brown tooth arose from the damn near dead, and started movin’ them backwards again.  And now with both Apollo and Ray fightin’ for they conebread and they virginity in the Pen, the comeback for light-skinded men is pretty much over.  Oh well……

Yeah, I’m gon’ talk about a lot of thangs tonight cuz I’m old and I got a short attention span and I’m grown and this my blog and I can do what I wanna do.  First of all, let’s talk Ray Rice.  The NFL and the Ravens got it right, finally.  I saw that video today and was heartbroken.  He hit his now wife like she was a strange dude that rolled up on him and tried to rob him.  Like she wasn’t a woman and definitely not HIS woman.  And then the way he treated her after he knocked her out – her dress was all up round her waist…her shoe was off..and her body was lifeless.  She looked like she coulda been taking her last breath.  He ain’t check for a pulse…put a mirror to her face to see if she was breathin’…didn’t look worried…or try to even call for help.  He DRUG (yes DRUG) her limp body halfway out that elevator and then at one point, kicked her with his foot to move her.  I’m glad that elevator had a sensor, cuz she coulda been amputated by it closin’ up on her body as he ain’t even thank enough of her to pull her all the way out!  It reminded me of when that white man in that movie pistol whipped Oprah when she played Miss Sophia (they were both out cold with they underwears exposed) ceptin’ that was acting and this is real life. 

And then…she married him not too much later. I hear her daddy walked her down the aisle to this monster.  Makes me sad for her.  Your dad is your first boyfriend (or so I’ve heard…y’all know I ain’t neva had one *side eye*)…so to think her daddy pretty much said to her this treatment was okay is almost as worse as what Ray Rice did.  That man looked her in her face and told her he would love and honor her, but ain’t no love in what he did that day and likely what he had done many days before.  I hope he gets help and a jail stint but that is not likely.  Y’all know how we treat the athletes in our society…as some sort of demi-gods. I hope he ain’t beatin’ her tonight but I gotta move on.  Oh yeah….I am really gon’ stay out of elevators…I’m taking the damn stairs from here on out.  It be goin’ DOWN on them elevators and not in a good way. 

I’d be hypocritical to laugh at Joseline Hernandez beating people down on that Love and Hip Hop ATL reunion after this Ray Rice debacle.  That thang need help…in a major way.  Anytime you got the energy to fight that many people, men and women, old people and babies, you on that sheeit.  She needs to be sued by errybody she hit so she learns an expensive lesson.  I’m thinking she fights because she doesn’t know how to use her words.  That thang cain’t even say ‘elegant’.  Cain’t even say ‘exposed’ (esposed…what’s that?).  And she ain’t bit mo’ married to Stebie.  I’m tiyad of the lies!

Speaking of lyin’…..Niko damn sure leaked that sex tape and Mimi knows it.  How she can dry grind with that squirrel-faceded possum-cheekded thang is beyond me.  And he married too?  That thang is a LOSER.  Neva trust an ol’ grimy SNOT (slaw ninja out there).  Chris Brown ain’t neva lied with his ol’ woman beatin’ ain’t missed a meal in the joint arse…..these hoes ain’t loyal…..
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Now I just came up in here talmbout Nick Cannon’s daddy the other day.  I even alluded to the tomfoolery Yonce’s daddy done orchestrated with these lil side babies he done had in the twilight of his ol’ arse life.  Hey Matthew, you s’pose to getcho life…not make a life (in his case, lives) when you bout to draw Social Security.  Anyway, I guess he done seen how errybody else talmbout Nick Cannon’s ol’ raggely arse daddy and how that pappy been in the limelight for talkin’ reckless bout his son, his daughter-in-law and other family matters and felt left out.  And he shouldna felt left out, cuz we been talmbout his arse (but for all the wrong reasons!).  Don’t you know this thang done called in to a Houston radio station today and done said that elevator fiasco (also lovingly known as “the sheeit that go down when it’s a billion dollars in an elevator”) involvin’ Jay Z and Solange was STAGED to boost ticket sales for the On The Run Tour!!  Talmbout the Carters done used a Jedi Mind Trick on the fans and we bought it hook, line and fraudulent sanker.  Said that Solange album sales went up 200% after that incident.  Raise yo’ hand if you bought Solange’s album.  Raise yo’ hand if you knew Solange had an album. 

At any rate, if’n it WAS fake, Solange is in the wrong profession because that ol’ nasty split side roundhouse kick she delivered to Jay Z’s upper torso looked convincing as HAYLE – she must be one heck of an actress and in need of an Emmy, an Oscar AND a Hoody.  And then when they came out to get in the car and the bodyguard was like ‘nawl Camel..I mean Jay Z…you cain’t get in this car bruh unless you want your chest kicked in some mo’..” and ushered him to the other limo…yeah, none of that looked staged to me.  But I have been known to believe in the tooth fairy, Santa Claus AND the boogie man once upon a time so it’s plausible that I could be fooled.  Anyway, that is not the point.  The point is why would Yonce and Solange and Kelly Rowland’s nem daddy wake up this mornin’ and call into a radio station to spread larcenies and felonies all upon the Carter’s good name?  I heard he even said Blue Ivy hair be dry.  Now that’s just mean and somethin’ a granddaddy should NOT do! 

I need him to focus on the right things..namely Yonce’s little side brother and sister.  Yes, that’s right.  That thang done had two babies and 63.  When he gets old and feeble and not in his right mind, all his kids need to take turns slappin’ his face.  I don’t like fools in general, but I damn near DESPISE an ol’ fool.  That thang been livin’ for 6 decades and still ain’t figured out where babies come from?  Out here raw doggin’ it with fertile young and obviously dehydrated (‘thirsty’) randoms.  He ain’t even smooth.  Damn sho’ ain’t cute.  His line ain’t even tight…prolly cuttin’ his own damn hair since Beyoncé pink slipped his arse.  He better be glad babies is all he done brought home.  I don’t blame Tina for movin’ on.  She got her an ol’ fine man too.  Y’all know him.  He played Joe Jackson, Michael and Janet nem daddy in that Jacksons movie.  Tina looks good too..aging well and if she done had some work, it is very tasteful.  And she ain’t on the outs with her kids.  She winning.  Matthew Knowles on the other hand is doin’ the opposite of winning.  Hayle, that thang done LOST.  He got fired by Beyoncé right before she blew up and couldn’t stack checks no mo’.  Then on his little fixed income from SSI, he done went out and had these kids so he owe a gang o’ money in child suppote.  It’s hard to support yourself on SSI, let alone two babies that need diapers and formula and such. 

He is an EMBARASSMENT to his daughters – I heard he tried to get back in the game with them other two girls that used to be in Destiny’s Chile and they won’t even take his calls.  Said he be gettin’ dial tones and whatnots.  So this latest move is VERY surprising.  At this point, he should just should shut the hayle up, keep his dentures brushed and his hands (and other parts to himself).  I really need to put on my usher’s badge and white gloves and push his arse down in the nearest seat. 

I’m gon’ continue to pray that these daddies get it together cuz hustlin’ backwards is NOT a good look.  Nick Cannon and Solange nem need to get together and have they daddies committed and put in the same room at the nursin’ home.  Just give ’em a bed to share, no TV and no computer or phone.  Just lock they arses away cuz that is the only way they know how to keep they traps shut.  Them not knowin’ how to shut up makes me feel okay bout not havin’ a daddy.  Cuz I bet if I had one, he’d be runnin’ his damn yap too….. 

 

So y’all know how I feel ’bout ol’ people havin’ kids.  I’m convinced now that they don’t need a Facebook account.  They don’t need to be Tweetin’ or followin’ anybody and they damn sure don’t need to be Instagrammin’ (nobody wants to see they mama twerkin’ or their daddy postin’ inappropriate sheeit).  Speaking of daddies postin’ inappropriately….Nick Cannon’s daddy is all kindsa wrong and the reason for this blog postin’ on a Saturday night when I should be restin’ up for church. 

First, the Commodores and High Five break up, then, there are rumors and rumblin’s of a rift in the first family (The Carters…you know Blu Ivy nem parents) culminatin’ in that ol’ nasty split kick Solange put in Jay’s chest in them people’s elevator.  Now the word on the street is Mariah and Nick Cannon are breakin’ up.  Now I will be the first to say, I ain’t thank they was gon’ make it past 3 months.  Well they done made it 6 years and had twins in the process.  (Side note – Nick say he ain’t hit dat until their wedding night….I was like wow….I woulda neva guessed ol’ half nekkid slightly skanky Mariah was holdin’ out like that.  I give her props but I digress…)  Nick done told the press that he and Mariah been living separately for months.  And that’s bout all he can say cuz Mariah done slapped a gag order on dat arse.  Too bad she couldn’t slap one on his daddy.

Now I ain’t neva had no daddy but if’n I had one, I’d damn sho’ ban his arse from social media.  This man done got on FB and become “Loose Lips McGee”, talmbout what would you do if your wife lied, got fat, and ain’t wanna have mo’ than two kids?  He even hinted that Mrs. Cannon may have had an abortion.  Just draggin’ the name of Mariah all up and through!  First of all, that thang messier than a damn Sloppy Joe sammich!  If your son is goin’ through it with his wife and the mother of his kids, why oh why would you feel the need to speak on it all up and through Facebook?  Why do you even have a damn Facebook page?  If you got some advice for your son, pick up the phone and call him.  I’m assuming he knows the numba. 

So yeah, these daddies have got to be stopped.  First, Beyonce, Solange and Kelly Rowland nem daddy Matthew (yass yass, I’m throwin’ a whole forest fulla shade) out here buyin’ diapers AND Depends cuz he done got nekkid with randoms.  Then, Lamar Odom’s daddy, who ain’t paid fi’ cent of chile support since Lamar been alive, got all kindsa stuff to say bout the Kardashians.  And now Nick Cannon damn daddy got diarrhea all bout the mouth.  I guess the bad daddy-ness started with Joe Jackson.  Y’all know how he used to beat them kids when they messed up a step or played his guitar without asking.  Since he got rich off it, these other daddies is obviously tryna come up. 

I’m gon’ keep Nick and Mariah nem lifted up in prayer.  I don’t like to see anybody’s marriage in jeopardy.  I’m gon’ wish them well and hope that Nick Cannon’s daddy forgets his Facebook password.  What say y’all?