Lawd…I been dreading doin’ this recap.  Lucious and Empire nem pretty much abducted me at 6:59 and held my black arse hostage for the next 60 minutes.  I am flying to Chicago tomorrow – I couldn’t even pack my bags behind Cookie nem.  And I am flying American.  I ain’t got no private jet like Hakeem.  But this ain’t about me and my coach-flyin’ problems.  This is about that Empire Finale y’all.

Since the finale was two hours, there is NO WAY I can invest the amount of time I would need to invest to properly recap.  So I will just choose what I thought were the top 10 scenes from tonight’s episode.  I will start with 10 cuz that’s how David Letterman does it.  I used to love me some David Letterman when I was in high school, but I digress.

Number 10 – The Be On Empire promotion – I gotta give it to them folks at Empire.  They are good at marketing and creating buzz.  Cuz at the end they told foke to tweet something using the Be On Empire hashtag for a chance at a walk-on role, knowin’ good and well they got over 15 million viewers and errybody and they mama would slap they mama (and worry bout the consequences later) to be on Empire.  And yes, I tweeted.  I had to as research for this blog.

Number 9 – Patti Labelle – you know good and damn well I wasn’t gon’ have a top ten list about tonight’s episode without Patti.  If she’da kicked her shoes off and rolled on the floor OR waved her arms like a bird, I would have rated her higher.  Miss Patti if you readin’ this, I voted for you last night on Dancin’ With The Stars.  You did that waltz, Honey!

Number 8 (tie) –  Jamal Holding Baretti Over the Balcony/Hakeem Getting His Molars Knocked Out Like Angie Stone’s Daughter – I think this is how Suge Knight used to get down with Death Row back in the day.  Said he held Dr. Dre ova them people’s balcony and got half his company and a right smart of his earlier records.  You know, ‘fo Suge started drivin’ blind and runnin’ ova foke.

I’m so tired of Hakeem getting beat up. I know why he was pumpin’ iron cuz first his mama beat his arse with a  broom handle..and then his brothers bristled up at him and tonight his daddy knocked the taste, slob, saliva, wisdom teeth out that boy’s mouth.  He don’t neva fight back either.  He needs to take lessons from J Lo’s trainer from that Enough Movie and invest in brass knuckles and peppa spray.

Number 7 – Cookie and Malcolm Bumpin’ and Grindin’ – Yes, Chile, they finally consummated the relationship.  Or maybe they ain’t in a relationship – just havin’ relations.  I know one thang.  He wouldna had to ask me twice to go with him to DC.  I’da took the MegaBus and paid my own fare and met him there.  Sheeit…Cookie shoulda made that road trip.  She been in them people’s prison for 17 years…she needed to see them monuments, and the White House and Barack nem.  Of course, Lucious found out (that ol’ fake azz Fantasia lookin’ assistant told) and removed Cookie from the comp’ny.  I don’t know why he was jealous somebody else got his Cookie crumbs with all the dirt he been doin’.

Number 6 – Boo Boo Kitty and Hakeem’s Sex Scene – Hakeem had already warned Lucious in a rap that he was gon’ take his beetch.  And the next time we saw Hakeem..well, we actually saw his back….he had Boo Boo Kitty up against a wall behind a beaded curtain, wearin’ that thang OUT.  You woulda thought they woulda stopped when Lucious discovered him, but nope…they actually started pumpin’ and grindin’ harder.  Lucious was good and played it cool.  It couldna been me cuz I’da turned ova some tables, disturbed a whole lotta pearls, and went to punchin’ holes all up and through Baretti’s house.

Number 5 – Jamal Battling That Homophobic Rapper – The rapper started the war by comin’ on Jamal’s job and clownin’ him for being gay, but Jamal won the battle by lullabyin’ ol’ dude to sleep.  He first stunned the dude by sangin’ bout the Lord and left ol’ boy lookin’ like how foke used to look on Apollo when they was real ready to boo a person and that person started sangin’ a church song.  And then when old boy’s mouth was still hangin’ open, he hit him with a pause..and  a softly sang “beetch”.  Bay Bay…I SCREAMED and got my whole life from birth to middle age.

Number 4 – The Cookie and Boo Boo Kitty Fight – Honey…I am gon’ have to watch this fight again tomorrow.  Hakeem and Andre wanted to get them together so they could do a hostile takeover of Empire since Lucious done made Jamal the successor.  Cookie wasn’t feelin’ it and threw a drink in Anika’s face.  She thought that was the end of it until Anika grabbed a head fulla her wig from behind and went to punchin’.  Y’all know Cookie been to prison so she shook them gut punches off and started boxin’ Anika all bout the head and ears.  Yes, she got ol’ debutante all the way together.  Even snatched off her pearls and told her to run ‘em.  It finally ended on the pool table.  And afterwards, nobody had a scratch, cut lip, black eye – nothin’.  That’s why I feel like I need to call the fight as “even”.  But I WAS drankin’.

Number 3 – The Vernon and Andre Fight – Bay Bay…now THAT was a damn fight!  Tables were broken…eyes were dotted and blacked…I think I even saw Vernon kick ol’ Andre in the damn knees.  He was beatin’ the brakes, tires, pads, lug nuts and errythang else off Andre, until that lil white girl showed up and hit him (Vernon) in the head.  Of course, she accidentally killed him.  Po’ Malik Yoba. He don’t neva get no respect.  Just got out of rehab and prolly ain’t even have a decent meal yet, and gone on to glory.  They don’t neva let him die with dignity.  Y’all remember Janet Jackson made him run out in front of that semi in that Tyler Perry movie.  Well at least he gets to show up in flashbacks and sit on the edge of Lucious’ bed with Bunky.  That thang show bled out quick too after he got hit.  He musta been a hemophiliac.

Number 2 – Lucious Confession and Cookie’s Attempted Murder – Now Cookie JUST got out of the pen, and was ready to commit another felony.  She came to see Lucious and he was under the influence of them people’s drugs.  I was trying to figga out why the drugs were so powerful, seeing as he had just found out he ain’t have ALS.  I sorta knew that, cuz his hands weren’t tremblin’ when he was snatchin’ the clothes off Cookie.  Anyway, he was ramblin’ in a half awake, half sleep kinda way and talkin’ to Bunky who was sitting on his bed (he was hallucinating).  He confessed to not having ALS, confessed to killing Bunky, confessed that he would kill anybody who got in his way.  Y’all know Bunky is Cookie’s cousin (real cousin, not play cousin) so she wasn’t havin’ that and was ready to avenge his murder.  She was all ready to smother Lucious with a pillow when he grabbed her hand.  I have seen enough Lifetime movies to know that you can only kill somebody via smotherin’ when they in a hospital and unconscious.  She shoulda just shot his arse.  I’m starting to think she ain’t learnt nothin’ from prison.  She must not have been in gen pop.  She shoulda been able to fashion a shank and taken care of him quietly.  This really cost Cookie her comp’ny cuz Jamal started cryin’ and took her name off the billboard promotin’ the concert.

Number 1 – Lucious Being Arrested – Yes, Honey…they finally got ol’ Lucifer. I mean Lucious for the murder of Bunky.  Why do I wish they would call Bunky by his real name?  I don’t even know what his real name is like I ain’t know Lucious’ real name was Dwight Walker.  Lucious wouldna created no Empire under that moniker.  Vernon is the star witness and Five O cain’t find him (see 2 above). He ain’t gon’ neva come down to the station nor take the stand.  Of course, Lucious thinks Cookie is behind it but this time, she’s not.  Lucious goin’ to jail was the REAL cliffhanger even though I felt like we got 5 or 6 tonight.

All in all, great finale, even though it got kinda tirin’.  Miss Debbie Allen directed the hayle outta tonight’s episode.  I am definitely here for Season 2, Chile.  I hope the show ain’t on hiatus for long.  Can’t wait for Lucious to get out them people’s jail, because I know it’s gon’ be trouble…trouble (in my Bernie Mack voice).  Hayle, he might even call Monique to come and take care of Cookie.  Y’all know she still waitin’ by the phone, supposably.

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Tonight was another night of Scandal.  I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Daddy Pope as Command.  Doin’ all kinds of evil sheeit.  Sayin’ them long arse monologues where he don’t even stop to take a breath.  Letting himself in Olivia’s apartment when she ain’t home.  Creatin’ killcards for ol’ B613 agents.  Meeting Liv on them people’s park bench.  Scandal ain’t got a lot goin’ on without Daddy Pope and B613 and such.  I don’t think the shows that good unless somebody gets Hucked and Liv is fixin’ it and whatnots.  But what can you do?  Daddy Pope is somewhere fishin’ for brim, and I’m still watching.

Tonight’s episode was mostly about gettin’ that lil chunky white lady who is a new Senator confirmed as Vice President.  Fitz picked her because she is supposably unelectable as President, to clear the way for a Presidential run for ol’ Mellie Mel at some point.  They dressed that lil white lady up in a nice suit and sensible shoes (apparently Fitz’ constituents love them a lady VP that reads the Bible and wears kitten heels – See Sally the old VP/murderer) and armed her with a bunch of canned phrases and quotes.  That thang ain’t, however, the brightest bulb in the box, so even with all that prep she managed to mess up them people’s press conference.  She started off well, and then went off script, and then laughed.  And hiccupped.  And snorted.  All at the same damn time.  So that the next day, that’s all the press talked about.

Red (Abby) brought in her boyfriend..the one that tried to help get Sally elected to President to get that lil white lady all the way together.  And he did, but he was so over the top about it.  Susan Ross (the lil stocky white lady’s name just came to me!) ended up doing well on her media blitz tour, but Abby couldn’t stand her man’s tactics and fiyah’ed him which meant to him, he was also fiyah’ed up outta her bedroom.  No mo’ dry grindin’ for Abby.

They finally got Liv back involved in helping the White House and helping ol’ girl get confirmed by the Senate.  The Senate was still mad at Fitz though so it wasn’t lookin’ good for ol’ Fitz.  Liv reminded him how he went to war – one minute he wasn’t..the next he was..and the next, the war was ova.  He walked up on her like he was gon’ either hit or kiss her, but he ended up tellin’ her she knew why he went to war.  In other words, Liv got that thang, and it’s so powerful and good that it made him send in the troops.  Liv told him to go beg the Senate for forgiveness and Susan Ross would be confirmed.  Fitz did just that (y’all know his nose wide open fuh Liv so he do anythang she say) and Susan Ross became VP.

Huck’s wife took those B613 files to David Rosen who was shocked as hayle to see ‘em.  She told him she got them from her husband, Diego Munez, who worked as a spy for them.  I see why Huck changed his damn name.  Anyway, David Rosen went straight to Jake (from State Farm) with the news, and they were both tryna figga out who Diego was so Jake could kill him for putting errybody at risk with those secret files.  Huck was listenin’ at first, but then went on and confessed.  Bay Bay…he was betta than me cuz I wouldna told sheeit.  They woulda had to use they Spidey senses, sniffin’ dogs, Becky Oliver (she’s an investigative reporter for Channel 8), and fo’ private eyes to figure out that I was Diego Munez.  Y’all know Jake don’t play.  Jake is used to killing people.  With all kinds of quickness.  I ain’t gon’ neva forget how he kilt Cyrus’ husband and then helped usher him on home to glory.  Huck said he would testify that he had PTSD and he made the story up to squash it.  But y’all know Huck real crazy.  And his wife had invited him ova for dinner, so he was havin’ flashbacks of getting some and thought he had the chance to get some ‘mo’, and went against the plan and start tellin’ all kindsa sheeit bout them people’s Hole and B613 at the deposition, momentarily throwin’ ol’ David Rosen for a loop.  David Rosen’s eyes got moist listenin’ to Huck describe livin’ in the hole, and he told Jake he was gon’ blow the lid off B613 with an investigation.  Lawd David Rosen..you done cheated death 2 or 3 times, but look like yo’ card is finally gon’ get punched.

And now we are at the end of this recap, and I been savin’ the “best” of the episode for last.  Y’all remember how Florence from the Jeffersons was on Scandal a couple of weeks ago, as Lois (Liv’s neighbor that looked a lot like Dionne Warwick) bestie?  And how she was lookin’ for the Black lady (Olivia) at OPA to help find Lois?  Well she was back tryna keep the landlord from evictin’ Lois.  She described for Liv how her and Lois was real close…how they had the same daily routine…calling each other upon wakeup; meeting for lunch; powerwalking in the park; taking turns cooking for each other.  She knew something had happened to Lois and she just wanted to find out what.

Liv put Huck and Quinn on the case, but they didn’t find anything.  Florence came back to Liv’s office with the serial number on Lois’ replacement hip.  And Liv put it all together.  “You are Lois’ power of attorney..you have a key to her apartment…wait a minute, were you and Lois dry grindin’?”  Florence acknowledged that she was livin’ foul, and said they fell in love with each other at 16 (but it was a different time, 16 years ago when being a Black woman was hard enough…Black AND lesbian was addin’ another layer of difficulty) and never stopped.  Even though Lois family moved her away and Lois went on to marry and have a family.  Said she never stopped lovin’ her, so when her husband died, Florence got on a plane within the hour and went to be with Lois.  They neva lived together cuz Lois kept that apartment too hot and Florence has bad hot flashes.

Huck and Quinn ended up using the serial number from the replacement hip to find Lois’ body (still not sure how that helped them find her without a tracking device, but okay..), and Liv told Florence that they found her on a park bench.  She had died of an aneurysm….and didn’t feel any pain, as flashbacks of them kidnappers shootin’ Lois played in her mind.  Said that she had simply fallen asleep.  And then Florence started crying an ol’ ugly cry ova that casket.  Chile, the only thang missin’ was the casket being open and Florence jumpin’ in.  I ain’t know what to think.  I am down for foke lovin’ who they love, but I felt some kinda way about them two ol’ retired wrankly grandmamas layin’ up in bed next to each other, nekkid and smellin’ like Icy Hot and mothballs.  At that moment, I was actually kinda glad Lois had gone on to glory…cuz y’all know how Shonda do.  She woulda had them in a sex scene with each other just as nekkid as they please.  And we ain’t need to see that.  Cuz I’m sure that even though it’s just a show, George Jefferson and Weezy woulda both rolled ova in they graves, cuz she is still  good ol’ wholesome Florence to all of us.  Til next time!

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I just realized that I am gon’ have to start watchin’ mo’ shows so I can have a reason to blog when the stuff I watch goes on hiatus.  Or maybe I will just talk about random stuff.  Like how that lil white lady (the SAE housemother) that looked like Maude from the Golden Girls was out there bad on that video, rappin’ to Trinidad.  But this ain’t bout race relations, this is bout Empire and how Lucious came to be that baby’s (Lola) pappy.

Andre was outta the straight jacket but still in them people’s mental asylum.  At least there were no padded walls or they had ’em wallpapered so you couldn’t tell.  Lucious was the only one missin’ at the lil fam’ly reunion they had at the mental hospital. So many in the black community suffer in silence when it comes to mental illness, and I thought the writers did a good job of addressing that through Cookie and Andre who told her he was diagnosed in college.  And then they flashed back to Lucious playin’ the piano, and Mary J. Blige sangin’ a duet with him.  Olivia (Lola’s momma) was in the flashback and so was Bunky.  It sure was good to see ol’ Bunky.  Who had that thick gold chain even back then.  Andre came home from college with gifts for errybody actin’ like a fake arse Santa Claus and ended up wildin’ out so bad, that doctors had to be called.  We also got our first glimpse of the lil white lady he ended up marryin’ way fo’ she started wearin’ bibs and sheeit.  Lucious ain’t like her even then.

The family was getting ready to sign over their shares for the IPO, and Lucious was with Malik Yoba doin’ paperwork and talmbout how he was gon’ give Cookie some shares of the company and then marry her.  I was like ‘wait a minute…he was just plannin’ a weddin’ with and beggin’ Hello Kitty not to leave all up and through his driveway last week and now he wants the Cookie?’  Malik was like yeah…we really doin’ this IPO, and y’all know Lucious was like ‘we?  This is MINE.  I did this.’  He pretty much did a Nino Brown to Malik Yoba’s G Money. “The WORLD is MINE”.  I started gettin’ nervous for Malik, cuz I know his chapped lip, ashy-knuckled arse was bout to come up missin.

We finally saw Lola’s mama just all random in the streets of the city.  Her old pimp rolled up on her as she was getting ready to leave on the bus like Tina Turner tried to do to get away from Ike in that movie.  He told her she wasn’t goin’ nowhere and they were goin’ to get Lola.  He told her “you mine..and Lola mine”, and then my heart sank cuz I thought he was trying to get that baby caught up in the sex trade that he obviously got Olivia caught up in.  Y’all know I love the kids!  Somehow Olivia found Malik Yoba, who was sittin’ at some random club doin’ cocaine lines usin’ his long arse fingernail all out in the open.  Malik didn’t even shake the pimp’s hand but ended up taking him and Olivia to Lucious house.  How you gon’ take a random dude that’s tatted all up and obviously got a prison record to that man’s house round his family?  And on the night of the IPO.  You know Lucious got in that arse like Eddie Long – again reminiscent of New Jack City when G Money brought Ice T around and he was really Five O.  Christopher Williams caught a damn sword to his hand behind that sheeit and ain’t been right since.

Lucious was tryna to tell Cookie that he wanted another chance at her oatmeal raisin but got interrupted ‘fo he could tell her he wanted her back.  Antoine Fisher (Derek Luke) ended up beating his time by tellin’ Cookie he had fallen for her.  Now I was scratchin’ my head tryna figga out when he fell for her cuz that sheeit was QUICK.  I’m assuming it had to be when she put them high heel-ded boots up round his neck in that SUV last week.  He told her he was gon’ stay away but ended up slobbing her down.  Even though they went to commercial, I’m sure they were dry grindin’.  I just shook my head because I knew he was bout to end up unemployed and dead, only to be seen in flashbacks like Bunky.  Errybody knows you don’t go after the boss’ woman AND you don’t lay yo’ meat where you make yo’ bread.  They started gettin’ reckless too, going off to talk in front of foke and callin’ each other on them Empire company phones and errythang.  They betta ask Kwame Kilpatrick bout textin’ on phones you don’t own.

Andre’s wife came back to the hospital to get him for the IPO meeting, but he told her he wasn’t goin’, granted her a proxy he left at the front desk and told her to get the hayle out.  I was like damn…he must only love her when he out his damn mind.  Jennifer Hudson was one of his therapists and straddled him by the piano, talmbout let’s pray.  I don’t think the LORD approved of that prayin’ position.  I ain’t neva seen it practiced in my church befo’ and y’all know I was on the usher board.

Ol’ Camilla (Naomi Campbell) came to the IPO meeting with Hakeem, and he performed a new song for the family while they waited on Andre nem to show.  I’m trying to remember if the lil white lady that was the notary public was there durin’ that time.  If she was, I know she was wishin’ she was at home.  The song was called “The Older The Berry…The Sweeter Tha Juice”  which had me perplexed yet again, because ol’ berries is anything BUT sweet.  They usually wrinkled, bitter and rank.  Cookie wasn’t feelin’ Camilla and told Lucious she had her ol’ nasty stank, dry arse panties round Hakeem’s neck.  Actually, I added all them adjectives, but I know Cookie was thinkin’ it.  Lucious tried to pay off Camilla so she would leave Hakeem alone (Lucious had investigated her background and knew she had a lot of debt; her comp’ny was up under water; and she was sellin’ the clothes she strut in), but Camilla toe up the check.  Knowin’ she needed that damn money.  Shoulda been gluin’ that sheeit back together.  She cursed Lucious and wished him dead and he told her “Bye Felicia” like Nino Brown did when he cancelled his girlfriend, talmbout he would buy another.

The shady pimp dude ended up pullin’ a gun on Jamal ova Olivia and Lola.  Cookie tried to get the gun outta his hand and ended up being taken hostage with the gun to her damn head.  I was like ‘damn, she ain’t learn no betta fightin’ techniques than that in prison?  She musta been errybody’s beetch gettin’ put in a headlock that damn quick’.  Derek Luke had gone to drop Camilla off at the airport which I didn’t understand.  Why she have to leave town since she toe up the check and also ain’t have no travel bags?  The pimp dude wanted to kill Jamal cuz he had got Olivia pregnant and married her, but now that he had Cookie hostage, Lucious was pleading with him to shoot him (Lucious) instead.  He told the dude that he (Lucious) was the one that dry grinded with Olivia, put that baby in her and that he bees Lola’s pappy.  You know errybody was lookin’ at him like da hayle, and then they flashed back to the piano sing with Lucious and Olivia exchangin’ knowing glances.

In that instance, it looked like Cookie was a goner and that maybe Monique could come in and play Pound Cake since it looked highly likely that they was gon’ be castin’ for a new female lead.  The pimp dude looked like he was just gettin’ tired of errybody talkin’.  At that moment, Derek Luke (back from the airport – I guess he dropped ol’ girl off at the door and didn’t go in) put a bullet in ol’ boy’s dome.

Later, Lucious tried to tell Cookie he wanted to be with her again, but she shot that thang down and went to go find Derek Luke.  In the words of Miss Celie, Derek Luke be like honey, and Cookie be like a bee.  That ain’t gon’ end well.

And then..when I thought I could exhale and possibly go get a snack , they showed that promo for next week’s 2 hour finale and I wasn’t no mo’ good.  For nothin’ or nobody.  Bay Bay….when I tell you I saw all kinds of mayhem and debauchery (and Boo Boo Kitty grabbin’ a manicured hand FULL of Cookie’s weave)…Whew Chile.  I cain’t hardly wait.  I’m just gon’ take McKenzie to the after-hours childcare center cuz I ain’t gon’ even be able to be nobody’s mama during those two hours next week.  I might have to pull out the brown likka and a bag of skins like my friend Sheri.

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Well I betta get to it.  This Scandal recap ain’t gon’ write itself.  This episode started off with so much intensity, I was barely able to BREATHE.  I expected the storyline from the previews two weeks ago, but I was soooo not prepared.  Tonight’s episode was a thinly-veiled duplication of what happened in Ferguson, Missouri in the summer when a White cop shot a Black teenager dead in the street.  On Scandal tonight, Mr. Parker’s (BRILLIANTLY portrayed by Courtney Vance) son (Brandon) had been shot by the police and was lying dead in the street.  A crowd of Black residents with cellphones had gathered, with the mostly White police officers struggling to keep them at bay while not setting off a riot.  The police chief called in Olivia Pope to “fix it”.  Now, I expected Olivia to be up in her apartment chillin’…or out to lunch at some fancy restaurant…or at a spa day seein’ as how she’d just gotten rescued from her kidnappers last episode, but no..she was out doing what she does best…fixing thangs.  And it was a welcome upgrade from that auction storyline of the past few episodes.

Olivia was trying to get an update from the police chief when Mr. Parker arrived on the scene, totin’ a shotgun and askin’ for the cop who shot his son and left him dead in the streets.  The police were ready to take Mr. Parker out but Olivia got the chief to tell errybody to stand down.  She tried to negotiate with Mr. Parker, and seemed to be making headway until a community activist showed up with a chair for Mr. Parker, asking him to take a seat, because it was going to be a while.  And letting him know that he (Mr. Parker) had all the power but if he left the scene he would have NONE.  That’s why Liv was there, because even she knew he had all the power.  Mr. Parker put the lawn chair over his son’s body, sat down and settled in.

The cop who shot Brandon gave his story back at the police department.  He seemed so sincere when he said he only discharged his weapon because his life was in danger.  Apparently, he had gotten a call about a Black suspect who had stolen a cellphone and right after, ran across Brandon, who fit the description and was carrying a brand new phone.  He was questioning Brandon, and Brandon pulled a knife, so he shot him.  He said his heart went out to the dad (Mr. Parker) because he (the cop) also had children.

Olivia was back on the scene the next day (no, Mr. Parker didn’t move ALL NIGHT, not even to take a pee break), with Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On?” playing in the background (damn you Shonda Rhimes!), attempting to talk Mr. Parker into moving away so the officers could investigate.  She tried to get the community activist to help her, but instead he charged her up bout her Prada bag….bout how she neva comes to that part of town unless it’s to eat soul food and how she spent the better part of the past few years getting a Republican President (Fitz) elected.  He told her that her Black card would not be getting punched today, and left a usually got so much to say Olivia damn near speechless.

Olivia tried talking to Mr. Parker who told her that he knew he would either go out in a body bag or in cuffs because that’s just the way it was in his neighborhood, and he was staying put.  He was clearly a man who loved his son (his wife had died years earlier from breast cancer – LAWD Shonda Rhimes, I hate you!  Such an emotional storyline all around) and just wanted to know what happened to his son.  Because he had raised his son alone – leading by example by being a responsible, hard working man without so much as a blemish on his work record; teaching his son right from wrong; making him say where he was going when he left the house; etc. so his son could GROW up and not end up dead in the streets.  Yet,  here his son was…dead in the streets.

Olivia tried to talk to the police chief because she noticed the SWAT team getting ready to teargas the crowd but he wasn’t hearing it.  He had gotten the media back behind the crowd where they could no longer film, and he was about to take charge.  He then asked Olivia whose side she was on.  She told him “not yours” and joined her people behind the yellow tape, chanting about police brutality (“Stand Up…Fight Back..No More Black Men Under Attack”) and it was a very poignant and real scene.  It showed how “professional” or “highly educated” or “upwardly mobile” middle and upper class Black people can forget how real racism and police brutality is because we are one or two paychecks away from it.  But is VERY real.  And we cannot afford to be complacent about it, looking at our poorer brothers and sisters, thinking this happens to just “them” because it really is happening to US.

Meanwhile, back at OPA, Huck and Quinn nem were busy trying to get the surveillance tape of what happened.  They were finally able to get it (David Rosen helped) and Olivia took it to Mr. Parker who was still sitting in the lawn chair over his son, “to protect him from the elements.”  In the video, it did appear as if his son was reaching for something, but Mr. Parker said his son didn’t carry a knife.  Olivia and the community activist told him there was one way to find out – they needed him to move so they could check his son’s body.  They lifted Brandon’s body a little, only to find the knife.  Mr. Parker snapped and pulled his shotgun on Liv and the community activist and kept repeating, shouting, “he doesn’t carry a knife![”  The police were ready to light his hindparts up, but Liv talked them down and talked down Mr. Parker.  She walked way from the scene shaking uncontrollably.  I was shaking like Liv, cuz I just knew she was shot.

Luckily, Liv and OPA didn’t stop there.  Huck and Quinn further analyzed the tape and realized there was a shadow in the background.  The cop was dirty and had gotten a suspect he’d picked up already to plant a knife on Brandon after he’d already shot him.  David Rosen went with his federal agents down to the station to question the suspect (who had been let go by the dirty cop) and to talk to the dirty cop.  Olivia confronted the dirty cop first, but he told her to get out.  She asked him if he was going to shoot her too.  Then, the dirty cop went in on Olivia.  The rant was uncomfortable but necessary for the audience to hear, because this is just how some of the White officers who work in poorer, Black communities feel.  “You people do not respect authority…that boy is dead because he didn’t respect authority..he wasn’t raised to respect authority and my badge….you people don’t respect anything, you just take, take, take.  Meanwhile, I kiss my wife and kids goodbye every morning and drive 40 minutes to y’alls community to protect you from each other, putting my life on the line while you spit in my face, curse me, hate me, etc. You don’t have the right to question me or my authority…..”  When he finished, he was led to a police car.  David Rosen gave a speech in the background about justice being served but not feeling like it WAS justice because Brandon was still dead.

Olivia delivered the news to Mr. Parker, who was still in that lawn chair, over his son.  And she gave him what Brandon actually reached for when he was shot – the receipt for his cellphone, to prove that it was not stolen.  Mr. Parker patted Brandon’s body on the back, and put his gun down and stood up and put his hands out to be cuffed by Olivia.  She told him he was not being arrested and walked away from the scene with him.  She rode with him to the White House (Mr. Parker said “where are we going…this is not my neighborhood..”) where he met with the President.  Fitz shook his hand and said he was sorry for Mr. Parker’s loss.  Mr. Parker said “Call me Clarence (the same thing he told Olivia when she first met him at the crime scene)..my son’s name was Brandon…” and then he collapsed in Fitz’s arms with an ol’ ugly cry.  The episode ended with the FBI zipping Brandon’s body up in a yellow body bag.  And then the tears came, y’all.  I was exhausted.  Emotionally spent behind this episode.  Needing to be held.  Wanting to yell.  Wanting to scream.  Wanting to do all those things I did back when Travyon Martin happened.  When Michael Brown happened.  When Chavis Carter happened.

Shonda Rhimes spun this story tonight in a way that made it speak poignantly to the audience.  If you didn’t feel something behind this episode, then you are void of emotion.  If your heart didn’t ache for the Black fathers..and mothers who have lost their children, CHILDREN, to police brutality and racism, then you are incapable of feeling.  This episode was timely….and relevant..and necessary….and well written…bolstered by superb acting.  Thank you Shonda and the Scandal writers and the actors and actresses for showing millions of viewers, Black, White and all shades in between, that Black Lives Do Matter.  I believe you touched many with your message tonight.  Thank you for touching me.  Now, excuse me while I go finish my ugly cry.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Bay Bay, when I tell y’all that tonight’s episode of Empire (the first episode in March) came in like a damn lion (or Lyon, pun intended)!  Whew Chile.  So much happened in the first five minutes of the show, I DIED..then got my life and died all over again.  Lee Daniels nem weren’t playin’ tonight!  Y’all ‘member that last week Anika went to Baretti’s (Lucious former partner, turned bitter rival) high rise hotel room/penthouse apartment in the sky.  Well, what she didn’t know was that Fantasia (Cookie’s assistant) had lo-jacked her arse and was spyin’ on her.  So you know she couldn’t WAIT to tell Cookie what went down.  Remember, Anika called herself havin’ Cookie spied on when she was double dealin’ with that federal agent.

Lucious and Anika were meeting with a wedding planner when Cookie bust up in his house with Fantasia, and I hollered.  I swear either Cookie got a key or she pickin’ the damn locks with the underwire in her bra.  She prolly learned that ol’ MacGyver sheeit in them people’s prison.  She spoke to her supposed grandbaby on the way in, and told the ‘fake arse Jackie O wedding planner (the resemblance WAS uncanny) to get out cuz they had to talk fam’ly business.  Cookie don’t care how she bust up into people’s private meetings but Jackie O’ got her pen and pad and got the hayle up outta there.  Her mama obviously ain’t raise no fool

Cookie told Lucious how Anika was double dealin’ with his rival.  Boo Boo Kitty, instead of concoctin’ a believable story like Cookie did when she almost got busted, couldn’t come up with a lie quick enough and started stutterin’ and sheeit.  Nothin’ says “I’m lying and Cookie tellin’ the truth” like stuttering.  Cookie was like ‘duh duh duh duh..oh, you cain’t speak English now?’  I swear I woulda SCREAMED and then fainted if she had asked her if the “kitty” had her tongue.  Lucious was obviously stunned and was trying to make sense of it all.  Meanwhile, Cookie and Fantasia got busy snatchin’ all Boo Boo Kitty’s DKNY and BCBG suits and shirts and pants and such outta all the closets and throwin’ them over the balcony like in that Notorious Big video (Get Money).  I don’t even think Anika was halfway down the stairs yet fo’ all her sheeit was strewn all over the grass, driveway and pool.  Fantasia KNOW she shoulda went through them clothes and kept some of Anika’s Moschino and Gucci gear.  Hayle, Cookie prolly payin’ her with food and purses.

Anika called Baretti on her way out to tell him the jig was up.  Cookie realized that she(Anika) was talkin’ on a company phone and told Fantasia to “phone check” her.  Bay Bay, I SCREAMED.  I guess Fantasia been to prison too cuz she knew just what that meant.  She confiscated that phone right outta Anika’s hand, Honey, as she was talking and then Cookie told security not to let her drive off in her car cuz that was comp’ny property too.  Cookie said she wasn’t gon’ let Anika take Lucious for everything he got cuz she realized half of that sheeit is hers.

Anika told Lucious he had twisted her and made her into a ruthless person like him.  In other words, she tried to flip the script on his arse cuz she had been caught.  Lucious begged and pleaded with her (she must have that THANG cuz I just knew he was gon’ make her come up missin’ like Bunky) but Anika wasn’t tryna hear it.  Lucious then threatened her arse – he let her know that if the IPO don’t go through, he will make sure her daddy goes down for fraud and loses his medical license.  Told her that daddy would be fightin’ for his prison virginity and likely end up somebody’s beetch like Apollo Nida.  You know prison ain’t kind to light skinded men or rich white foke.  Anika kept walking and then two big-bodied SUVs drove up to Lucious gate.  I think I saw the driver pull out a remote and open the gate.  Lucious security system ain’t worth a damn.  At any rate, Anika got in (Lucious opened the door for her) and then Baretti rolled down the window slow like Snoop did in that Baby Boy movie when he shot at Jody.  Lucious told him he (Baretti) started this battle but Lucious would finish it.  And that’s how the “war” between them started up.

While Baretti was busy tryna take all of Lucious’ artists, Jamal ended up signing Estelle even though his father wasn’t tryna hear it.  They (Jamal and Estelle) sang a beautiful song together about survivin’, and I was over here rockin’ and swayin’ and holdin’ up a lighter.  That Jamal sho’ can sang!  But I went blind for 30 seconds when he did a D’Angelo move earlier in the episode.  Yep, that thang was butt booty nekkid.

We ain’t see ol’ ashy knuckled, chap-ted lip Malik Yoba this episode, so there was nobody to keep Andre’s crazy arse in line.  He ended up flushing his pills which were a big mistake.  I was thinking that instead of that white woman he got wearin’ bibs and sheeit..she shoulda been crushin’ pills up in that kneegro’s food to keep him sane.  That thang was REAL crazy this episode.  He got stuck in an elevator with his brothers and started doin’ some ol’ Cain vs Abel type of mess.  Luckily, they sang that thang off the ledge in them people’s elevator cuz he was sweatin’ and yellin’ and suckin’ up all the air.  The security guy (Derek Luke) was instructed to keep him in the conference room, and that thang toe up that damn room.  They had to finally call them people in the paddy wagon who came and shot his arse in the upper torso with a tranquilizer and strapped him down to a gurney.  His wife signed the papers, and he rode out to the mental hospital.  That’s what that white lady been threatenin’ all season.  I guess she can move her real man in now.

Cookie tried to keep a real thuggish artist and had to drank some of that purple syrup to prove she was “real”.  She was so drunk, she could barely walk.  At that moment, somebody on them people’s mean streets tried to snatch her purse.  Luckily, Derek Luke was there to save the day.  Cookie tried her best to give him some of her morsels and crumbs, but Derek Luke know he got all them bills so he turned her down.  Smart move.  Don’t let Cookie make you lose your job and your coinage.  Many a man done met they downfall cuz they was feenin’ for a Cookie.  Cookie laid down in that truck and spread them legs up by his head like Catwoman, but again, Derek Luke realized he got student loans and chile suppote so he would not be swayed.

Boo Boo Kitty tried to steal away Hakeem’s ol’ girlfriend Tiana but Hakeem (provin’ that he ain’t entirely worthless) helped Cookie orchestrate a coup to keep Anika outside talkin’ while Cookie met with Tiana.  Cookie saved the day, and the whole family (minus that crazy arse Andre) along with Estelle and Tiana got to perform Lucious ol’ song.  Ol’ Terrance Howard didn’t do too bad playin’ the piano and sangin’ though he did sound a little bit like Tom Jones of “It’s Not Unusual To Be Loved By You..” fame.

What else…oh Precious ain’t get fired off them people’s show.  She was back with an ol’ nasty blond wig with black roots.  Well, at least her arms were covered.  One step at a time.

Can’t wait for next week’s show.  I’m convinced that this whole thing with Boo Boo Kitty and  Baretti plottin’ and thievin’ together is the work of Monique.  Let her tell it, she was s’posed to play Cookie.  Said Lee Daniel wouldn’t take her calls and was dodgin’ her like Professor Ogilvy used to do her on the Parkers.   I’m convinced she is behind this treachery, and won’t let Lucious and Empire and Lee Daniels nem be great.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Tonight was the two-hour finale of HTGAWM.  I guess I was heavy on them people’s wine last week cuz I was confused as hayle at 8 o’ clock when Liv and Huck and Fitz nem didn’t show up on my tv.  I had pretty much given my daughter (she’s 5) a ‘ho bath’ tryin’ not to miss Scandal and it didn’t even come on.  Lawd…I hope she forgives me.

I loves Shonda Rhimes’ shows….Lawd knows I do (in my Ol’ Sophia from The Color Purple voice) but when I heard them say two hours…I was thinkin’ bout DVR’ing so I could watch it in sections.  Y’all know I got a short attention span.  It took me bout 2 years to watch all of that Titanic movie.  And then I was tellin’ foke how good it was and they were like yeah…it was good, back in 1997 when it first came out.  But I digress..which I did a lot durin’ tonight’s show.  There was no Ms Cicely Tyson smotherin’ chicken and cookin’ greens and spillin’ fam’ly secrets to the white foke to hold my attention, but there was a lot going on.  A hayle of a whole lot.  This might be shorter than my normal recaps just cuz I’m already strugglin’ to remember and I’m still slightly confused.  Plus, the lights was back off on the set for a lot of the show.

Tonight was to be the night that we found out who kilt Liza.  But not before Annalise, in a bouncy new wig with scalp realness, was back in court tryin’ a case.  This case was bout a priest on priest crime, in the sanctuary of all places, that involved an incense decanter.  The accused priest finally said he killed the other priest because the other priest was molesting a boy that the killer priest had befriended.  Now you know Annalise will tell all kindsa lies to get her clients off, so she was prepared to throw the priest’s lady friend/would-be bae under the bus.  The lady friend testified that she was with the killer priest at the time of the murder..they had wine…and she made the moves on him.  The killer priest couldn’t take it anymore (apparently the lady friend/would-be bae had stalker tendencies), and stood up and confessed to the murder and pretty much begged for life in prison to get away from the lady friend.  She told him she loved him and he said he didn’t love her and don’t even think about visitin’ or givin’ him no money for commissary.  Damn.  You done turnt a man off real bad when he chooses solitary confinement and fightin’ for his conebread in them people’s prison yard ova you.

The students were doin’ what they always do…together in them people’s court house, at Annalise’s house….in the hallways…at bars…back at the water tower, etc.  Everywhere but the damn ‘lie-berry’ which further supports my theory that they should all get Fs.  They done kilt somebody and couldn’t even burn up the body right.  And Annalise pretty much gave them a roadmap on how to do it.  Leavin’ rings and fanger and foot prints and sheeit at the site.  Wes should get TWO Fs.  He don’t even know that Rebecca girl but done fell in love with her.  Prolly was a virgin and she turned him out cuz she look weird and freaky.  Wes and Laurel started investigating Rebecca cuz they started feelin’ like she did it especially when they found out she had that one dude committed to the mental institution.  They finally decided to confront her, but of course, they had to go get the 10 other co-conspirators to be a part of it.  I hollered when Annalise got there and found out they had taped Rebecca up like how Huck be doin’ foke on Scandal.  Well at least she wasn’t nekkid and they ain’t use a drill.

Annalise decided to have a mock court where they could present the evidence that proved Rebecca killed Liza.  But every time they presented something, Annalise or Rebecca would shoot it down.  Further provin’ that they all need Fs.  They stuck ol’ girl in the basement, and Annalise realized she had been let out at some point and had gotten away.  I was pretty sure Wes let her out..that she agreed to do something nasty with him and he had gotten played, but he said he ain’t do it.

Nate had been denied bail..so he was still in them people’s prison behind Annalise.  I bet he cursed the day he had her on top of that desk.  He passed by her in the hallway and didn’t even look her way.  Annalise was still tryna figga out why he hadn’t followed her instructions of firing his attorney so she had Frank do some more dirt (he was the one that planted the ring and fangerprints to frame Nate a couple of episodes ago).  Somebody stepped into Nate’s cell and attacked him, and the next time we saw Nate, he was beat up like Ray J.  I’m talmbout he had been boxed so bad all about the head and ears, he was no longer cute or fine.  Lawd..I was so mad at Annalise, I was ready to go down to them people’s prison and put money on Nate’s books.  And call the National Bar Association on Annalise.

All durin’ tonight’s show, they had been doin’ flashbacks with Lila and Rebecca and Sam and that night when everything happened, buildin’ up to who killed Liza.  To the point where I had been watching for bout 110 minutes and still ain’t know who killed Liza.  Hayle I was startin’ to think I actually killed Liza.  And then in the last 8 minutes of the show, Shonda Rhimes snatched my life and all my edges and a right smart of my crown!  Liza was on the roof on the phone with Sam tellin’ him she was going to just go away..and he came to talk to her.  This was AFTER she went to Sam’s house to tell Annalise but didn’t get to do so because Bonnie blocked her, sent her home and lied to Annalise.  Sam arrived to the rooftop and Liza told him she was keeping the baby.  He told her he no longer loved Annalise but loved her (Liza) and he was going to tell Annalise right then.  He left and went to a phone booth (they still have those?  When is this show set again?) and called somebody and said ‘you need to do what we talked about..you owe me’.  At that moment, hands went around Liza’s neck and they were attached to that ol’ douchy Frank!  That thang kills and frames ERRYBODY!  I had no idea.  He choked her all the way out and then dumped her body in the water tower.  So Rebecca told the truth about findin’ her there dead already.  Rebecca was wet because Griffin (the boyfriend) came up on the roof lookin’ for Liza and Rebecca figured he would think she killed Liza so Rebecca hid in the water tower.

Annalise was tryna convince Wes that Sam killed Lila so they could all move on and Wes could finally get outta her damn class.  She also told him they would find Rebecca who had supposedly run off.  Wes left, and then Annalise went back to the basement where Frank was.  Frank, however, was not alone, cuz the camera panned down and I’ll be damn if Rebecca wasn’t layin there dead.  Surprisingly, I ain’t feel bad for her.  She’d slept with Liza’s man..and then called Liza from her man’s phone so Liza could “catch” her, and gave that man that bad angel dust and made him go crazy..and she took Wes’ virginity and caused him to kill Sam, settin’ all this sheeit into motion.  She shoulda been dead several episodes ago honestly.  And that’s how it ended.  But we know they will be back next season, which will likely be about How To Get Away With Rebecca’s Murder.

There was some other stuff – Nate finally called the number on that piece of paper Annalise gave him; the gay student was tryna get with a new guy who asked him to take a HIV test (the new guy ended up with HIV even though he appeared to be the one who was always careful); we learned some new gay lingo (bottom bunk/top bunk, etc.); and the black female student had dinner with Lynn Whitfield and told her she would not be marryin’ Lynn’s son cuz he’s gay and the gay son doesn’t love her but she loves herself.  Yes, girl, yes.

That’s all I remember and I done got tired.  Damn you Shonda Rhimes.  You done took up 2 hours of my Thursday night not includin’ this blog and I am still confused.  And angry.  And shocked.  And just downright feelin’ some type of way.  But because you done got me hooked, I will be back for the next season.  I’m hopin’ y’all get some lights on that set in the meantime…

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Empire was good as HAYLE!  I am over here tremblin’ and lit’rally flickin’ ashes from my imaginary cigarette.  That said…in the words of that ol’ sage, Madear, I KNOWED IT!  I told y’all Boo Boo Kitty was spendin’ time with somebody who was rubbin’ her booty and puttin’ her to sleep at night!  It was VERY OBVIOUS that she ain’t care bout Lucious as much as she had some of y’all thankin’ she did.  Anytime you done caught the man you are ENGAGED to marry on top of somebody else fornicatin’ in YO bed and you don’t flip a mattress or break a lamp or SOMETHIN’, you seein’ somebody else on the side.  And dare I say, you like that side piece betta than yo’ fiancé and you got some ulterior motive on why you with said fiancé that don’t include real love.

It was even more apparent when she was calm about the illicit sex when she confronted Lucious and then told him to make it up to her, he had to marry her at the white party.  I mean, what part of the game is that? If she really cared about Lucious, she woulda bleached all his sheeit, broke up his gold records, cut up all his suits and drawls, slashed his tires and possibly set that bed and his house on fiyah.  Please don’t act like I am the only one who has done..I mean thought that sheeit.   And she woulda had three or fo’ debutante friends right there with her supervisin’ and eggin’ the sheeit on and possibly lighting the matches or holding the bleach.  And then she woulda got up outta there and been cryin’ at one of her girlfriend’s houses or doin’ drive-bys at Cookie’s apartment waitin’ for Cookie to come out so she, along with five of her debutante friends AND her mama, could jump her. But nah..she ain’t do none of that.  She chastised Lucious for getting her doctor daddy involved in fraud and then told that man he had to marry her that weekend OR make the announcement about the pushed-up wedding date and ensure that Cookie was there when he did it.  There was no money for shopping, plane tickets to some exotic island, no Hermes bags, Louboutins, condos, luxury cars, Hope diamonds…..nothing to take the stang off yo’ man wearin’ out somebody’s else’s coochie.

I need to stop talmbout Boo Boo Kitty, cuz she made me mad tonight takin’ that boulder off her fanger and goin’ to that man’s penthouse apartment/hotel room knowin’ that he is Lucious rival.  Lookin’ like a fake arse Phony Braxton with that feather boa on.  You cain’t neva be as fabulous as Cookie and you wearin’ feathers while she rockin’ fur.  Lucious need to do her like he did Bunky.  Leave her on the edges of the river bank.

What da hayle kinda sheeit Andre and that white gul got goin’ on?  Damn…he was bout to let her sleep with ol’ Ironsides wasn’t he?  I wasn’t mad at her for throwin’ up in that food when he started talmbout having sex and whatnots.  Knowin’ he ain’t seen an erection since ’72.  And I cain’t believe Andre was okay with her makin’ Ebenezer Scrooge happy.  He was definitely going to get the better deal if he had to sleep with that lady.  I was glad she finally stood up for herself.  Cuz he treats her like a common THOT instead of a wife.

I was tryna feel sorry for that lil girl that Raven Symone done left with Jamal, but since McKenzie done made 3 snow days outta this ice storm we just had, I couldn’t.  I wanted them to make her to go to somebody’s school.  It was daylight out.  Why was she home?  That said..she IS a cutie.  But I would still have to swab her mouth real quick and put it in one of them CVS do it yourself at home DNA kits.

Bay Bay…that white party was EVERYTHING!  When Cookie walked in with Jamal, I was screamin’ YASSSSS in a deep voice at the TV.  I love an ol’ good high full pony especially one that makes your cheekbones “pop”, your eyes “tight” and your skin “wrankle-free”.  And Cookie was wearin’ that ponytail, Chile, AND that full length fur.  She must have a damn ‘must wear all types of chinchillas, manks, and foxes’ in her contract’s costume clause.  The furrier for Empire must be making a GRIP outfittin’ her erry show.

Cookie had just got it in with Lucious again in the studio before the party.  She slapped him first though, for leavin’ her twistin’ in the wind in them people’s prison and not puttin’ enough money on her books.  I was mad when Lucious rolled up in that party with that ol’ stank-a-dank skank Anika.  He had told Cookie he was gon’ leave that broad so he could keep dippin’ it and doin’ it with Cookie, but at the white party, told her he wasn’t gon’ leave Boo Boo Kitty and was gon’ marry her and that the wedding date had been pushed up.  Y’all know Cookie invited him to kiss her whole and entire arse.  Cookie was not going to be outdone.  She went and found Anika and pretty much popped her in the mouf with the news that Lucious had hit again on the sound board at the studio.  I hope they washed it off when they finished cuz that sounded like some ol’ nasty sheeit.

And then there was one of my favorite scenes….when Cookie met Camilla the Cougar (Naomi Campbell), her baby boy’s (Hakeem’s) woman.  Cookie called that broad old, tired, dusty AND Aunty.  Bay Bay – I screamed when Cookie called her Yoko Ono.  Then she told Camilla she woulda made a good beetch for her in prison cuz she had a long tongue.  I SCREAMED and HOLLERED cuz Cookie was lookin’ serious as a heart attack.  Like she mighta really had several prison beetches.  I’m sorry, but I woulda had to steal and swang on Cookie for that one right at that party.

Speaking of the white party, why was Lucious and Jamal up in there both dressed like fake arse Princes of Zamunda?  All they needed were crowns, thrones and that Michael Jackson Remember The Time video.  I swear Lucious was wearin’ a maxi skirt!  And that jacket he had on was longer than them jackets Steve Harvey be wearin’.

Jamal came out while performin’ at the white party (changing the lyrics on Lucious’ song to ‘you make a man love a man’ instead of a woman) and Lucious nearbout had a heart attack and joined Elizabeth.  What else?  Oh, Vernon (Malik Yoba) gon’ get his ashy-handed, chap lip-ted self kilt messin’ round with Lucious.  He saw what happened to Bunky down at them people’s river bank.  I was happy to see Jamal still eating good at his apartment after he done got rid of Dora.  I bet his chicken don’t taste nothin’ like hers though.  They didn’t even show no pots or pans or nothing when Hakeem came to visit him.

Andre tried to get the Board to vote him next in line as Lucious’ successor but his own daddy voted against him.  Then his daddy told him he ain’t liked him since he brought that white woman to his house.  I died cuz Lucious just as white as that white lady, so what he talkin’ bout?  I’m sure they could use the same comb so that cain’t be the issue.  He said his son was always tryin’ to fit in and didn’t care about the family and would neva get Empire.  Andre told his dad that he feels like a disappointment because he doesn’t have the musical talent that his brothers do.  And then we saw Andre up in the studio at that same sound board Lucious and Cookie had carnal knowledge of each other on.  I thought for sure he was bout to make a hot track.  But no..that thang pulled out a gun and put it to his temple.  I covered my eyes and waited for the gunshot. I ain’t want him to do it though cuz I knew that white lady was gon’ be real mad. Who she gon’ wear a bib for and let hump her in the kitchen while she wearin’ rollers and green mask sheeit on her face?  Plus, how you gon’ shoot yourself to a white sanger’s (it was either Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin) record after what yo daddy just told you bout them white foke?  At least go out to some Tupac or Biggie.  Hayle , Puffy woulda been better than that sheeit he chose.  But alas, he ain’t pull the trigger.  He just screamed bloody murder like he did and I uncovered my face.

Then, it was the final scene of this family drama.  Lawd..they had Cookie lookin’ like a lil frail arse Cleo from Set It Off in that jail cell.  I was waitin’ for them to play that sad music like in the movie when Cleo lit that cigarette and took off and ended up all shot up.  I’m gon’ venture to say Cookie was DEFINITELY the man in any of the relationships she had while in the joint.  It’s just a matter of time fo’ one of ‘em come a’ callin’ in a future episode.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Annalise called her mama durin’ the last scene of last week’s episode.  And I for one was sooo happy to see Cicely Tyson show up.  She has done so much since they done stopped typecastin’ her as the rebellious female slave – cuz she done played Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, Miss Jane Pittman AND Kunta Kinte’s mama on Roots.  What a wonderful way to celebrate Black Hist’ry month!  Because with Miss Tyson on the show, they couldn’t have all them damn lights out on the set, lest she fall and break a hip or something, so the scenes were all WELL-LIT!  Yassss!  I saw errythang and could make out foke faces and whatnot for the first time in since..I don’t know..FOREVER?

And she made her arrival KNOWN, Chile.  She told them people they needed to ‘recognize a VIP when they see one, cuz Annalise came outta her V and her daddy’s P’.  Bay Bay…I SCREAMED.  I’m talmbout full out HOLLERED!  Meanwhile, Annalise was still layin’ in her bed upstairs, wallowin’ in self-pity and guilt for what she let happen to her husband, Sam and what she did to her boyfriend, Nate.  She musta thought she called SAM’s mama because her Black mama (Tyson) came in that room and told her to get her rank arse up and take a bath and comb her damn hair.  I SCREAMED again.  I love me some old people cuz they can say ANY damn thang!

Yes, the white audience learned a lot about Black foke tonight from this episode of HTGAWM.  They learned how we get treated when our mamas know we “playin’ sick”.  They snatch the covers off yo’ arse, open up all the blinds and tell you to get yo’ arse up.  And even though you got degrees and law licenses and good jobs and big arse houses, you do what the hayle they say cuz you know you ain’t too old to have to go outside and pick your own switch (or tree branch as “sympathizers” done start callin’ ‘em now).  I was lit’rally over here prayin’ that Annalise mama didn’t pull a switch outta her suitcase.

There was some case going on with a lady with a face only a mother could love allegedly rapin’ some man.  The blonde haired lady had to stand in for Annalise and wasn’t doing too well.  She flubbed up the opening statements and did some mo’ sheeit that wasn’t right.  The judge and the hospital that employed the alleged fondler and fond-lee told her they were not here for her sheeit and somebody needed to go put a wig on Annalise and draw on some brows and tell her to brang her hard walkin’ arse to court.  Somehow, ol’ girl ended up getting the case dismissed and rubbed her a lil booty of her own afterwards. And yes, she still knows that those kids did somethin’ to Sam.

They showed Nate going into prison lockup.  He took off his shirt and stripped down to his underwear and I lit a cigarette.  My Nate done waited til damn near middle age to get his wisdom tooth pulled and his cheeks is all swollen like he storin’ nuts.  So I ain’t feel too bad bout lustin’ a lil bit after Annalise’s Nate.  I mean they both named Nate, right?  Anyway, I quickly had to put out that cigarette when they gave Nate a colonics and checked his prostate.  They made him bend over, spread ‘em AND cough and I felt sick.  It was even worse when he walked to his cell and foke he helped put away was threatenin’ to eat his conebread.  Damn.  On the first day?  There should be some kinda grace period fo’ foke start threatenin’ to make you they beetch in prison.  Annalise finally showed up for her boyfriend by the end of the show and played it cool for the interview cameras but left him with a note to fire his attorney and call a number.  That’s the least she can do since she done framed him!

Back at her house though, her mama was in the kitchen cookin’ and hit Annalise’s hand for goin’ in her pots.  Another lesson bout how thangs go down in a Black household.  Annalise also got on her mama for lettin’ her uncle molest her.  Her mama told her men take thangs..and ain’t no need in getting all misty about it.  Annalise was drankin’ in front of her mama, but Miss Tyson let that sheeit go (I just knew she was gon’ go get a switch behind that).  Her mama was tryin’ to finish smotherin’ the chicken AND cookin’ the greens when Annalise threw her glass and it broke against the wall.  Mama turned them greens down and called after Annalise.  I prayed again, cuz I ain’t want the white viewin’ audience to see how Black mamas get down when they been sassed AND had somethin’ thrown in their general direction.  But I guess Mama was tired from her trip, cuz she let Annalise make it.  She ended up lettin’ Annalise sit twixt her legs (damn Shonda, you just gon’ tell all of the Black secrets and sheeit!) and started scratchin’ out her head!  I swear I saw a lil jar of Blue Magic or Sulfur 8 next to her hip.  I was like Lawd if mama start greasing her scalp or go down to the kitchen and get a straightenin’ comb she been heating up on the stove, Imma turn this damn tv off!  I think she needed a wider toothed comb cuz Annalise’s lil fro was crunchy, dry and noisy as HAYLE!  Imma need them people over at HTGAWM to get some good moisturizers and olive oil on that set.

Mama ended up tellin’ her daughter in so many words…that her uncle ain’t really just die in a random fire.  That she had a long match and set the house and his ol’ child molestin’ arse ablaze.  She was tryna get Annalise to come clean to her too..sayin’ sometimes you do what you have to do.  Annalise held her hands and pulled her close, this after tellin’ her mama earlier to just go home cuz she ain’t need her.

Oh, I also forgot to tell y’all that Mama actually named Annalise “Anna Mae”.  Yep…she got the same name as Tina Turner.  She changed her name once she got all educated and got a few coins.  Mama refuses to call her Annalise.  Just part of the façade Annie Mae done put on (her mama call her Anna Mae..so Imma call her Anna Mae) – Annalise is the top-notch cutthroat attorney with the bouncy wig and drawn on brows..whereas Anna Mae is the girl who wears crunchy afros and housecoats and eats right out the pot.  I am liking that Annalise ain’t as one-dimensional as I thought.

I would talk about those kids that kilt Sam but they are too stupid for me to be dealin’ with when I’m tired.  They can’t just shut up about the murder and leave town.  Noooo..they gotta all be together all the damn time…in Annalise’s office..up in her house..at the court house..at the police station..at the water tower…etc.  Best believe they arses gon’ get caught.

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I am so happy we are done with this kidnappin’ storyline cuz I just got tired of the auctions and the bids and the black sack over Liv’s face and them kidnappers and just errythang about it!  I was really ready to see Liv back to her fabulous self and wearin’ them fashions that she done made me buy the knockoffs of from The Limited.  We discovered the identity of the foke who bought Liv tonight but the deal ended up goin’ badly when Liv told her kidnappers and the people who tried to buy her that that the other was gon’ kill ’em.  Well played, Liv, well played.  My friend Brian mentioned that it was just a tad bit disturbin’ that they were allowin’ Liv to be bought and sold like she was still married to Django and livin’ on the Candyland plantation durin’ Black Hist’ry month and I agreed.  I expected Jamie Foxx to appear on my tv screen at any moment wearin’ a blue crushed velvet suit with a ruffled ascot and ridin’ a horse.

Fitz was still willin’ to pull out all the stops to get Liv back.  Like I said, Liv must got that THANGGGG! cuz Fitz was about to allow the US to become the bitch baby of all the other nations behind his side chick.  In the words of my friend Ming, she must got that snapper cuz Fitz was willin’ to give the keys to the White House and Camp David to them Russians for her safe return.  Condoleeza was ready to “neutralize” the asset which was just a long word for killin’ Liv.  She advised the President that it was the only way outta the debacle.  Cyrus agreed and went in on the President, Daddy Pope-style. You know, a long arse monologue of 35 words ‘fo he took a breath.  At the end, he QUIT, and I got my whole life because I have always wanted to do that sheeit.  Clean cuss out somebody I work for and at the end invite them to kiss my whole arse and then tell them Nawl..you cain’t fire me because I quit this bullsheeit arse job, but I ain’t neva been able to cuz I been needin’ all them jobs.  I got bills, daycare and sheeit to pay for.  But this ain’t about me.  That tirade of Cy’s ended up being a daydream and in real life he just said ‘yes, Mr. President’ like he always does.

Cy was double dealin’ with the CIA though.  Said the President’s heart (Liv) was walkin’ round out there somewhere kidnapped and until his heart had been returned to him (i.e. Liv was killed), he was in no shape to protect America.  He got with Condoleeza nem to drop a bomb on Liv and the kidnappers.  And in doing so, provided the viewing audience with an accounting lesson, cuz just like that, Liv went from an asset to a big arse liability.

Meanwhile, Liv was put back on the market.  Huck nem got back in the auction as “Marie Wallace” aka Mama Pope and started biddin’ on Liv.  The VP was still causin’ havoc and believin’ that somehow he was gon end up President.  He should get the “Most Unaware” award.  Talmbout he gon’ tell the press and the media how Mellie be screamin’ when he be givin’ it to her..and how she likes to be called filthy names..and have her hair pulled and handcuffs put on her..and spanks to her hindparts.  Oh wait..I was havin’ a 50 Shades of Grey flashback.  After gettin’ Liv took AND gettin’ a dial tone from the kidnappers, he really thought he had some power?  Plus, both his women (Mellie AND Portia De Rossi) mad at him?  Ain’t he heard about hayle havin’ no fury like a woman scorned and he done scorned two of ’em?  And one of ’em limpin’ round gingerly with a grated back?  Yeah…I knew the clock was tickin’ on his dumb arse.

Quinn asked Huck to stop killin’ people and he agreed.  I was like damn..that’s ALL it took?  As many people this man done duct taped and put in plastic?  Right after, Portia De Rossi came to him and asked him to kill the VP.  Huck couldn’t oblige her there but did snatch up the VP, stripped him buck nekkid, promptly wrapped him in plastic with duct tape over his mouth and hands, and injected him with some sheeit in front of his senator girlfriend.  The next time we saw the VP, he was in them people’s hospital with his lips twisted to one side and his head hung low.  For somebody that had SOOO much to say, that thang had been rendered speechless.  Huck had injected the VP with a massive stroke.  Huck ain’t no damn joke y’all.  That thang know 100 ways to kill and severely maim somebody!

Finally, Jake had to go crawlin’ to Daddy Pope who was out fishin’.  Bay Bay I SCREAMED. That thang done went from museum curator to Command to unemployed to Command again to fisherman all in two seasons.  I just knew that thang was at somebody’s fine restaurant eatin’ steak and drankin’ wine.  Nope..he out there fishin’ from the damn banks of the river.  Not even in a nice boat or nothin’.  I think I saw a cooler.  Anyway, Jake begged him to save Liv.  Daddy Pope went into another one of them long arse monologues, and I went in the kitchen and made myself a snack.  When I got back, Daddy Pope was still talkin’ and had yet to take a breath.  Jake reminded him that Liv was his daughter…and Daddy Pope said “I don’t have a daughter” and went back to fishin’.  But not ‘fo he also told Jake that he ain’t have five on Liv’s auction.  I hollered again and laid down and silently died.

Liv ended up in a tie bid – between the Russians and Marie Wallace.  She lost her poker face when she told the kidnapper Marie Wallace should win, and he figga’d out that she knew Marie.  That meant she was gon’ go to the Russians.  Liv tried one last ditch effort to save herself and got the sheeit smacked outta her.  Condoleeza was all set to drop that bomb on errybody involved in the transaction.  Cy told them to hold they fire because he recognized the buyer.  At the exchange, Liv discovered her buyer was somebody she knew.  A former Gladiator, so she was now safe.  She took his gun and shot the kidnapper in the shins and then proceeded to kick his arse wearin’ the flyest boots EVA.  I think he got stomped with them stilettos.  Finally…Liv got to go home.

And finally, she did something else that she should have done fo’ seasons ago.  She got them flimsy arse locks on her apartment FIXED.  Bay Bay, I stood up and APPLAUDED.  Cuz for fo’ seasons, people been comin’ in and outta her house whenever they got ready.  It was about damn time Huck drilled holes in the door for locks instead of holes into people.

Y’all know Fitz couldn’t wait to run ova to Liv’s apartment, but this time he had to knock because she had several deadbolts on her door.  Once inside he wanted to know if Liv had been hurt which was code for ‘did them nasty kidnappers run a terrorist train on you?’  Bay Bay!  Liv READ his arse like an ol’ magazine, Hunny.  From cover to cover!  Fitz was standin’ there wonderin’ what went wrong as he was plannin’ on havin’ “I am free from the kidnappers and happy to be home” sex.  Liv threw his ring at him, told him damn Vermont (it’s too damn cold there anyway and don’t no black foke live there) and to get his arse out.  Damn..this man don’t went to WAR for Liv..and it still wasn’t enough to get him the cooch now that she was back safe and sound.  Oh well…now that the VP done stroked out, Fitz can head back to the White House and rub Mellie’s booty or somethin’ to fall asleep.

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Yasssss!  I am still over here smokin’ an imaginary Newpote and drankin’ some brown likka behind what happened on Empire tonight, Chile!  I knew it was gon’ be just a matter of time fo that Cookie crumbled under Lucious spell and tonight was the night!  But before we get all up in that (pun intended), let’s do a quick recap of what else happened.

Raven Simone ended up leavin’ that lil girl in the elevator.  Y’all know the lil girl that is “supposably” Jamal’s.  Even though his marriage to ol’ girl was a sham, he apparently got drunk one night and hit that, if only to confirm that he ain’t really want that. So there is a chance that is his chile.  Jamal not claimin’ Dora on them people’s tv interview and now a possible chile suppote obligation was just too much to handle for his ol’ moody arse stewed chicken makin’ boyfriend (Dora).  Dora packed up her lil backpack, consulted “The Map” and got the hayle outta dodge.  Jamal actually cried when Dora got in them people’s cab.  I felt for him cuz I ain’t neva had a man that could stew and fry chicken real good but if’n I did, I’m sure I’d be sad to see they arse go too.  Lucious said he was happy that Dora had vamanos’d but felt bad that his son felt sad.  I love the fleeting moments where Lucious shows his softer side.

Tonight was all about the Empire showcase, where Lucious was going to put on a show for the investors and get them to help him get the IPO done.  Courtney Love was all set to perform when Anika had to throw salt (and Mollies) in the game by spikin’ her coffee so she would be too high to perform.  I didn’t feel bad for Courtney because when you been doin’ drugs that long (in character and out o’ character) you should know better than leavin’ yo’ drank unattended in a club setting.  Needless to say, Cookie was hot because she had vouched for Courtney Love, and Lucious had put his faith in Cookie about Courtney performing.  Which is why Anika was upset in the first place – Boo Boo Kitty is supposably over artist development but her boo still cuttin’ for Cookie.

Before the showcase, Lucious was arguin’ with Cookie and collapsed…which is really THE ONLY WAY he can win in a fight against Cookie.  He was on the stretcher when both his wife to be (or soon to be ex-wife, as Cookie put it *snicker*) and his ex-wife (Cookie) tried to climb up in them people’s ambulance with him.  He couldn’t even talk and had to make a choice between the two.  He looked like he wanted Cookie to come in the ambalanch but begrudgingly picked his fiancee’.  Good thang too..cuz I could see Cookie goin’ Ike Turner up in there with that bad fur coat on.  I could see her all in Lucious ear talmbout “we gotta get this money and you laid out here on this stretcher…beetch if you die, Imma kill you”.

At the showcase, Jamal and Hakeem killed their joint performance, makin’ all the investors happy.  Just as Lucious was s’posed to go out to give a speech, he got the shakes and his voice failed.  Anika and Andre (the oldest son) both wanted to give the speech in his absence, but Lucious begged Cookie to go do it because he knew she would inspire and make foke understand what his dream for the company meant so they would come up off them coins.  Cookie attempted to read the teleprompter but it’s unclear if she couldn’t see the teleprompter or if she ain’t that good at reading.  She finally said ‘bump this’ and just spoke from her heart and the crowd ate it up…ghetto fabulousness and all.  Lucious was backstage watching and said “I love you Cookie” sitting right next to Anika who looked ready to fight somebody.

Anika ended up havin’ to go to Chicago for somethin’ or nother right after the showcase, and the family returned home.  Once home, Lucious told them about his illness and the oldest son freaked the hayle out.  I’m talmbout total breakdown sittin’ in the shower with all his clothes on type sheeit.  That thang crazier than a Betsey bug!  I think his wife be withholdin’ his meds so she can control his arse.

In the next scene, we see Lucious and his babymama Cookie having a drink together (it looked like that Yak.  And is Lucious even supposed to be drankin’ takin’ all them meds and treatments?) with soft music playing in the background.  The song was by Lucious, written for Cookie.  She told him he has to beat this disease cuz she can’t lose him again.  He said “I’m here now..” and asks her to dance with him.  And right then, you know somebody’s drawls are gonna end up off before this episode is done, and some dry grindin’ will commence.  It didn’t take long.  He saw them Cookie Cakes the last episode and had been thankin’ bout takin’ a bite erry since.  Next thing you know he had picked her up and thrown her in the bed (yep..the same bed he be layin’ up next to Boo Boo Kitty in) and shoes, shirts and drawls went ta flyin’.

You know what happened next.  Anika for some unexplained reason came home instead of flyin’ to Chicago.  Came in and heard the soft music playin’ and saw the two Cognac glasses, one with a Wet and Wild lipstick print.  She called out to Lucious and then followed the scent of sex that was obviously in the air to the bedroom where at least for that moment, Lucious’ ALS had been cured and he was busy blowin’ Cookie’s back all the way out.  Anika watched for like a second too long and just closed the door.  I was rather surprised by her reaction.  I don’t understand where they keep getting these broads from that see they man dry grindin’ with another woman and they just leave.  Where they do THAT at?  She was supposed to go to her closet, pull out a pistol like Angela in that Tyler Perry movie and run up in that bedroom cappin’ and snatchin’ up foke and turnin’ over beds and nightstands and sheeit.

I believe in karma though and Boo Boo Kitty got back just what she gave.  She ain’t have to drop a Molly in Courtney Love’s drank.  That was Cookie’s artist.  So I can see why Cookie fell into bed with her man.  Oh well…payback is a lingerie-clad big booty bad beetch by the name of Cookie!  Get well soon Ray J!

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