Empire Recap – Phone Check Fool (No Mo’ Fam’ly Plan For Boo Boo Kitty)

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Bay Bay, when I tell y’all that tonight’s episode of Empire (the first episode in March) came in like a damn lion (or Lyon, pun intended)!  Whew Chile.  So much happened in the first five minutes of the show, I DIED..then got my life and died all over again.  Lee Daniels nem weren’t playin’ tonight!  Y’all ‘member that last week Anika went to Baretti’s (Lucious former partner, turned bitter rival) high rise hotel room/penthouse apartment in the sky.  Well, what she didn’t know was that Fantasia (Cookie’s assistant) had lo-jacked her arse and was spyin’ on her.  So you know she couldn’t WAIT to tell Cookie what went down.  Remember, Anika called herself havin’ Cookie spied on when she was double dealin’ with that federal agent.

Lucious and Anika were meeting with a wedding planner when Cookie bust up in his house with Fantasia, and I hollered.  I swear either Cookie got a key or she pickin’ the damn locks with the underwire in her bra.  She prolly learned that ol’ MacGyver sheeit in them people’s prison.  She spoke to her supposed grandbaby on the way in, and told the ‘fake arse Jackie O wedding planner (the resemblance WAS uncanny) to get out cuz they had to talk fam’ly business.  Cookie don’t care how she bust up into people’s private meetings but Jackie O’ got her pen and pad and got the hayle up outta there.  Her mama obviously ain’t raise no fool

Cookie told Lucious how Anika was double dealin’ with his rival.  Boo Boo Kitty, instead of concoctin’ a believable story like Cookie did when she almost got busted, couldn’t come up with a lie quick enough and started stutterin’ and sheeit.  Nothin’ says “I’m lying and Cookie tellin’ the truth” like stuttering.  Cookie was like ‘duh duh duh duh..oh, you cain’t speak English now?’  I swear I woulda SCREAMED and then fainted if she had asked her if the “kitty” had her tongue.  Lucious was obviously stunned and was trying to make sense of it all.  Meanwhile, Cookie and Fantasia got busy snatchin’ all Boo Boo Kitty’s DKNY and BCBG suits and shirts and pants and such outta all the closets and throwin’ them over the balcony like in that Notorious Big video (Get Money).  I don’t even think Anika was halfway down the stairs yet fo’ all her sheeit was strewn all over the grass, driveway and pool.  Fantasia KNOW she shoulda went through them clothes and kept some of Anika’s Moschino and Gucci gear.  Hayle, Cookie prolly payin’ her with food and purses.

Anika called Baretti on her way out to tell him the jig was up.  Cookie realized that she(Anika) was talkin’ on a company phone and told Fantasia to “phone check” her.  Bay Bay, I SCREAMED.  I guess Fantasia been to prison too cuz she knew just what that meant.  She confiscated that phone right outta Anika’s hand, Honey, as she was talking and then Cookie told security not to let her drive off in her car cuz that was comp’ny property too.  Cookie said she wasn’t gon’ let Anika take Lucious for everything he got cuz she realized half of that sheeit is hers.

Anika told Lucious he had twisted her and made her into a ruthless person like him.  In other words, she tried to flip the script on his arse cuz she had been caught.  Lucious begged and pleaded with her (she must have that THANG cuz I just knew he was gon’ make her come up missin’ like Bunky) but Anika wasn’t tryna hear it.  Lucious then threatened her arse – he let her know that if the IPO don’t go through, he will make sure her daddy goes down for fraud and loses his medical license.  Told her that daddy would be fightin’ for his prison virginity and likely end up somebody’s beetch like Apollo Nida.  You know prison ain’t kind to light skinded men or rich white foke.  Anika kept walking and then two big-bodied SUVs drove up to Lucious gate.  I think I saw the driver pull out a remote and open the gate.  Lucious security system ain’t worth a damn.  At any rate, Anika got in (Lucious opened the door for her) and then Baretti rolled down the window slow like Snoop did in that Baby Boy movie when he shot at Jody.  Lucious told him he (Baretti) started this battle but Lucious would finish it.  And that’s how the “war” between them started up.

While Baretti was busy tryna take all of Lucious’ artists, Jamal ended up signing Estelle even though his father wasn’t tryna hear it.  They (Jamal and Estelle) sang a beautiful song together about survivin’, and I was over here rockin’ and swayin’ and holdin’ up a lighter.  That Jamal sho’ can sang!  But I went blind for 30 seconds when he did a D’Angelo move earlier in the episode.  Yep, that thang was butt booty nekkid.

We ain’t see ol’ ashy knuckled, chap-ted lip Malik Yoba this episode, so there was nobody to keep Andre’s crazy arse in line.  He ended up flushing his pills which were a big mistake.  I was thinking that instead of that white woman he got wearin’ bibs and sheeit..she shoulda been crushin’ pills up in that kneegro’s food to keep him sane.  That thang was REAL crazy this episode.  He got stuck in an elevator with his brothers and started doin’ some ol’ Cain vs Abel type of mess.  Luckily, they sang that thang off the ledge in them people’s elevator cuz he was sweatin’ and yellin’ and suckin’ up all the air.  The security guy (Derek Luke) was instructed to keep him in the conference room, and that thang toe up that damn room.  They had to finally call them people in the paddy wagon who came and shot his arse in the upper torso with a tranquilizer and strapped him down to a gurney.  His wife signed the papers, and he rode out to the mental hospital.  That’s what that white lady been threatenin’ all season.  I guess she can move her real man in now.

Cookie tried to keep a real thuggish artist and had to drank some of that purple syrup to prove she was “real”.  She was so drunk, she could barely walk.  At that moment, somebody on them people’s mean streets tried to snatch her purse.  Luckily, Derek Luke was there to save the day.  Cookie tried her best to give him some of her morsels and crumbs, but Derek Luke know he got all them bills so he turned her down.  Smart move.  Don’t let Cookie make you lose your job and your coinage.  Many a man done met they downfall cuz they was feenin’ for a Cookie.  Cookie laid down in that truck and spread them legs up by his head like Catwoman, but again, Derek Luke realized he got student loans and chile suppote so he would not be swayed.

Boo Boo Kitty tried to steal away Hakeem’s ol’ girlfriend Tiana but Hakeem (provin’ that he ain’t entirely worthless) helped Cookie orchestrate a coup to keep Anika outside talkin’ while Cookie met with Tiana.  Cookie saved the day, and the whole family (minus that crazy arse Andre) along with Estelle and Tiana got to perform Lucious ol’ song.  Ol’ Terrance Howard didn’t do too bad playin’ the piano and sangin’ though he did sound a little bit like Tom Jones of “It’s Not Unusual To Be Loved By You..” fame.

What else…oh Precious ain’t get fired off them people’s show.  She was back with an ol’ nasty blond wig with black roots.  Well, at least her arms were covered.  One step at a time.

Can’t wait for next week’s show.  I’m convinced that this whole thing with Boo Boo Kitty and  Baretti plottin’ and thievin’ together is the work of Monique.  Let her tell it, she was s’posed to play Cookie.  Said Lee Daniel wouldn’t take her calls and was dodgin’ her like Professor Ogilvy used to do her on the Parkers.   I’m convinced she is behind this treachery, and won’t let Lucious and Empire and Lee Daniels nem be great.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

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6 thoughts on “Empire Recap – Phone Check Fool (No Mo’ Fam’ly Plan For Boo Boo Kitty)

  1. Alicia P January

    Why you calling Porscha, Fantasia. Got me throng to rethink. Kmsl. Great recap as always. I have watched it twice ready and will again tonight. Lol.

    Like

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