Empire Recap – Lucious Beez That Baby’s Pappy!

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I just realized that I am gon’ have to start watchin’ mo’ shows so I can have a reason to blog when the stuff I watch goes on hiatus.  Or maybe I will just talk about random stuff.  Like how that lil white lady (the SAE housemother) that looked like Maude from the Golden Girls was out there bad on that video, rappin’ to Trinidad.  But this ain’t bout race relations, this is bout Empire and how Lucious came to be that baby’s (Lola) pappy.

Andre was outta the straight jacket but still in them people’s mental asylum.  At least there were no padded walls or they had ’em wallpapered so you couldn’t tell.  Lucious was the only one missin’ at the lil fam’ly reunion they had at the mental hospital. So many in the black community suffer in silence when it comes to mental illness, and I thought the writers did a good job of addressing that through Cookie and Andre who told her he was diagnosed in college.  And then they flashed back to Lucious playin’ the piano, and Mary J. Blige sangin’ a duet with him.  Olivia (Lola’s momma) was in the flashback and so was Bunky.  It sure was good to see ol’ Bunky.  Who had that thick gold chain even back then.  Andre came home from college with gifts for errybody actin’ like a fake arse Santa Claus and ended up wildin’ out so bad, that doctors had to be called.  We also got our first glimpse of the lil white lady he ended up marryin’ way fo’ she started wearin’ bibs and sheeit.  Lucious ain’t like her even then.

The family was getting ready to sign over their shares for the IPO, and Lucious was with Malik Yoba doin’ paperwork and talmbout how he was gon’ give Cookie some shares of the company and then marry her.  I was like ‘wait a minute…he was just plannin’ a weddin’ with and beggin’ Hello Kitty not to leave all up and through his driveway last week and now he wants the Cookie?’  Malik was like yeah…we really doin’ this IPO, and y’all know Lucious was like ‘we?  This is MINE.  I did this.’  He pretty much did a Nino Brown to Malik Yoba’s G Money. “The WORLD is MINE”.  I started gettin’ nervous for Malik, cuz I know his chapped lip, ashy-knuckled arse was bout to come up missin.

We finally saw Lola’s mama just all random in the streets of the city.  Her old pimp rolled up on her as she was getting ready to leave on the bus like Tina Turner tried to do to get away from Ike in that movie.  He told her she wasn’t goin’ nowhere and they were goin’ to get Lola.  He told her “you mine..and Lola mine”, and then my heart sank cuz I thought he was trying to get that baby caught up in the sex trade that he obviously got Olivia caught up in.  Y’all know I love the kids!  Somehow Olivia found Malik Yoba, who was sittin’ at some random club doin’ cocaine lines usin’ his long arse fingernail all out in the open.  Malik didn’t even shake the pimp’s hand but ended up taking him and Olivia to Lucious house.  How you gon’ take a random dude that’s tatted all up and obviously got a prison record to that man’s house round his family?  And on the night of the IPO.  You know Lucious got in that arse like Eddie Long – again reminiscent of New Jack City when G Money brought Ice T around and he was really Five O.  Christopher Williams caught a damn sword to his hand behind that sheeit and ain’t been right since.

Lucious was tryna to tell Cookie that he wanted another chance at her oatmeal raisin but got interrupted ‘fo he could tell her he wanted her back.  Antoine Fisher (Derek Luke) ended up beating his time by tellin’ Cookie he had fallen for her.  Now I was scratchin’ my head tryna figga out when he fell for her cuz that sheeit was QUICK.  I’m assuming it had to be when she put them high heel-ded boots up round his neck in that SUV last week.  He told her he was gon’ stay away but ended up slobbing her down.  Even though they went to commercial, I’m sure they were dry grindin’.  I just shook my head because I knew he was bout to end up unemployed and dead, only to be seen in flashbacks like Bunky.  Errybody knows you don’t go after the boss’ woman AND you don’t lay yo’ meat where you make yo’ bread.  They started gettin’ reckless too, going off to talk in front of foke and callin’ each other on them Empire company phones and errythang.  They betta ask Kwame Kilpatrick bout textin’ on phones you don’t own.

Andre’s wife came back to the hospital to get him for the IPO meeting, but he told her he wasn’t goin’, granted her a proxy he left at the front desk and told her to get the hayle out.  I was like damn…he must only love her when he out his damn mind.  Jennifer Hudson was one of his therapists and straddled him by the piano, talmbout let’s pray.  I don’t think the LORD approved of that prayin’ position.  I ain’t neva seen it practiced in my church befo’ and y’all know I was on the usher board.

Ol’ Camilla (Naomi Campbell) came to the IPO meeting with Hakeem, and he performed a new song for the family while they waited on Andre nem to show.  I’m trying to remember if the lil white lady that was the notary public was there durin’ that time.  If she was, I know she was wishin’ she was at home.  The song was called “The Older The Berry…The Sweeter Tha Juice”  which had me perplexed yet again, because ol’ berries is anything BUT sweet.  They usually wrinkled, bitter and rank.  Cookie wasn’t feelin’ Camilla and told Lucious she had her ol’ nasty stank, dry arse panties round Hakeem’s neck.  Actually, I added all them adjectives, but I know Cookie was thinkin’ it.  Lucious tried to pay off Camilla so she would leave Hakeem alone (Lucious had investigated her background and knew she had a lot of debt; her comp’ny was up under water; and she was sellin’ the clothes she strut in), but Camilla toe up the check.  Knowin’ she needed that damn money.  Shoulda been gluin’ that sheeit back together.  She cursed Lucious and wished him dead and he told her “Bye Felicia” like Nino Brown did when he cancelled his girlfriend, talmbout he would buy another.

The shady pimp dude ended up pullin’ a gun on Jamal ova Olivia and Lola.  Cookie tried to get the gun outta his hand and ended up being taken hostage with the gun to her damn head.  I was like ‘damn, she ain’t learn no betta fightin’ techniques than that in prison?  She musta been errybody’s beetch gettin’ put in a headlock that damn quick’.  Derek Luke had gone to drop Camilla off at the airport which I didn’t understand.  Why she have to leave town since she toe up the check and also ain’t have no travel bags?  The pimp dude wanted to kill Jamal cuz he had got Olivia pregnant and married her, but now that he had Cookie hostage, Lucious was pleading with him to shoot him (Lucious) instead.  He told the dude that he (Lucious) was the one that dry grinded with Olivia, put that baby in her and that he bees Lola’s pappy.  You know errybody was lookin’ at him like da hayle, and then they flashed back to the piano sing with Lucious and Olivia exchangin’ knowing glances.

In that instance, it looked like Cookie was a goner and that maybe Monique could come in and play Pound Cake since it looked highly likely that they was gon’ be castin’ for a new female lead.  The pimp dude looked like he was just gettin’ tired of errybody talkin’.  At that moment, Derek Luke (back from the airport – I guess he dropped ol’ girl off at the door and didn’t go in) put a bullet in ol’ boy’s dome.

Later, Lucious tried to tell Cookie he wanted to be with her again, but she shot that thang down and went to go find Derek Luke.  In the words of Miss Celie, Derek Luke be like honey, and Cookie be like a bee.  That ain’t gon’ end well.

And then..when I thought I could exhale and possibly go get a snack , they showed that promo for next week’s 2 hour finale and I wasn’t no mo’ good.  For nothin’ or nobody.  Bay Bay….when I tell you I saw all kinds of mayhem and debauchery (and Boo Boo Kitty grabbin’ a manicured hand FULL of Cookie’s weave)…Whew Chile.  I cain’t hardly wait.  I’m just gon’ take McKenzie to the after-hours childcare center cuz I ain’t gon’ even be able to be nobody’s mama during those two hours next week.  I might have to pull out the brown likka and a bag of skins like my friend Sheri.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

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