I am so happy we are done with this kidnappin’ storyline cuz I just got tired of the auctions and the bids and the black sack over Liv’s face and them kidnappers and just errythang about it! I was really ready to see Liv back to her fabulous self and wearin’ them fashions that she done made me buy the knockoffs of from The Limited. We discovered the identity of the foke who bought Liv tonight but the deal ended up goin’ badly when Liv told her kidnappers and the people who tried to buy her that that the other was gon’ kill ’em. Well played, Liv, well played. My friend Brian mentioned that it was just a tad bit disturbin’ that they were allowin’ Liv to be bought and sold like she was still married to Django and livin’ on the Candyland plantation durin’ Black Hist’ry month and I agreed. I expected Jamie Foxx to appear on my tv screen at any moment wearin’ a blue crushed velvet suit with a ruffled ascot and ridin’ a horse.
Fitz was still willin’ to pull out all the stops to get Liv back. Like I said, Liv must got that THANGGGG! cuz Fitz was about to allow the US to become the bitch baby of all the other nations behind his side chick. In the words of my friend Ming, she must got that snapper cuz Fitz was willin’ to give the keys to the White House and Camp David to them Russians for her safe return. Condoleeza was ready to “neutralize” the asset which was just a long word for killin’ Liv. She advised the President that it was the only way outta the debacle. Cyrus agreed and went in on the President, Daddy Pope-style. You know, a long arse monologue of 35 words ‘fo he took a breath. At the end, he QUIT, and I got my whole life because I have always wanted to do that sheeit. Clean cuss out somebody I work for and at the end invite them to kiss my whole arse and then tell them Nawl..you cain’t fire me because I quit this bullsheeit arse job, but I ain’t neva been able to cuz I been needin’ all them jobs. I got bills, daycare and sheeit to pay for. But this ain’t about me. That tirade of Cy’s ended up being a daydream and in real life he just said ‘yes, Mr. President’ like he always does.
Cy was double dealin’ with the CIA though. Said the President’s heart (Liv) was walkin’ round out there somewhere kidnapped and until his heart had been returned to him (i.e. Liv was killed), he was in no shape to protect America. He got with Condoleeza nem to drop a bomb on Liv and the kidnappers. And in doing so, provided the viewing audience with an accounting lesson, cuz just like that, Liv went from an asset to a big arse liability.
Meanwhile, Liv was put back on the market. Huck nem got back in the auction as “Marie Wallace” aka Mama Pope and started biddin’ on Liv. The VP was still causin’ havoc and believin’ that somehow he was gon end up President. He should get the “Most Unaware” award. Talmbout he gon’ tell the press and the media how Mellie be screamin’ when he be givin’ it to her..and how she likes to be called filthy names..and have her hair pulled and handcuffs put on her..and spanks to her hindparts. Oh wait..I was havin’ a 50 Shades of Grey flashback. After gettin’ Liv took AND gettin’ a dial tone from the kidnappers, he really thought he had some power? Plus, both his women (Mellie AND Portia De Rossi) mad at him? Ain’t he heard about hayle havin’ no fury like a woman scorned and he done scorned two of ’em? And one of ’em limpin’ round gingerly with a grated back? Yeah…I knew the clock was tickin’ on his dumb arse.
Quinn asked Huck to stop killin’ people and he agreed. I was like damn..that’s ALL it took? As many people this man done duct taped and put in plastic? Right after, Portia De Rossi came to him and asked him to kill the VP. Huck couldn’t oblige her there but did snatch up the VP, stripped him buck nekkid, promptly wrapped him in plastic with duct tape over his mouth and hands, and injected him with some sheeit in front of his senator girlfriend. The next time we saw the VP, he was in them people’s hospital with his lips twisted to one side and his head hung low. For somebody that had SOOO much to say, that thang had been rendered speechless. Huck had injected the VP with a massive stroke. Huck ain’t no damn joke y’all. That thang know 100 ways to kill and severely maim somebody!
Finally, Jake had to go crawlin’ to Daddy Pope who was out fishin’. Bay Bay I SCREAMED. That thang done went from museum curator to Command to unemployed to Command again to fisherman all in two seasons. I just knew that thang was at somebody’s fine restaurant eatin’ steak and drankin’ wine. Nope..he out there fishin’ from the damn banks of the river. Not even in a nice boat or nothin’. I think I saw a cooler. Anyway, Jake begged him to save Liv. Daddy Pope went into another one of them long arse monologues, and I went in the kitchen and made myself a snack. When I got back, Daddy Pope was still talkin’ and had yet to take a breath. Jake reminded him that Liv was his daughter…and Daddy Pope said “I don’t have a daughter” and went back to fishin’. But not ‘fo he also told Jake that he ain’t have five on Liv’s auction. I hollered again and laid down and silently died.
Liv ended up in a tie bid – between the Russians and Marie Wallace. She lost her poker face when she told the kidnapper Marie Wallace should win, and he figga’d out that she knew Marie. That meant she was gon’ go to the Russians. Liv tried one last ditch effort to save herself and got the sheeit smacked outta her. Condoleeza was all set to drop that bomb on errybody involved in the transaction. Cy told them to hold they fire because he recognized the buyer. At the exchange, Liv discovered her buyer was somebody she knew. A former Gladiator, so she was now safe. She took his gun and shot the kidnapper in the shins and then proceeded to kick his arse wearin’ the flyest boots EVA. I think he got stomped with them stilettos. Finally…Liv got to go home.
And finally, she did something else that she should have done fo’ seasons ago. She got them flimsy arse locks on her apartment FIXED. Bay Bay, I stood up and APPLAUDED. Cuz for fo’ seasons, people been comin’ in and outta her house whenever they got ready. It was about damn time Huck drilled holes in the door for locks instead of holes into people.
Y’all know Fitz couldn’t wait to run ova to Liv’s apartment, but this time he had to knock because she had several deadbolts on her door. Once inside he wanted to know if Liv had been hurt which was code for ‘did them nasty kidnappers run a terrorist train on you?’ Bay Bay! Liv READ his arse like an ol’ magazine, Hunny. From cover to cover! Fitz was standin’ there wonderin’ what went wrong as he was plannin’ on havin’ “I am free from the kidnappers and happy to be home” sex. Liv threw his ring at him, told him damn Vermont (it’s too damn cold there anyway and don’t no black foke live there) and to get his arse out. Damn..this man don’t went to WAR for Liv..and it still wasn’t enough to get him the cooch now that she was back safe and sound. Oh well…now that the VP done stroked out, Fitz can head back to the White House and rub Mellie’s booty or somethin’ to fall asleep.
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