Shonda nem shoulda titled this finale “And this is how Fitz came to put his wife, the First Lady, outta the White House so his side chick could move in”.  I love me some Olivia Pope.  I would probably try to work there (in a non-threatenin’, danger-free role, answerin’ phones, doin’ filing, makin’ journal entries and the like) if I could.  I done went down to the Limited last Chrih-muh and bought one of them Scandal coats.  That’s just how much I checks for Liv.  HOWEVER, I don’t know how I feel bout that last scene.  But befo’ we get to the last scene, let’s take this recap from the beginnin’.

I don’t know why Liv and David Rosen and Jake and Quinn and Huck nem cain’t leave B613 and Daddy Pope be!  It’s like they got a damn death wish or something.  As you will recall, Daddy Pope showed up to a meeting with Mellie, pretending to be a rich campaign donor named Damascus Bainbridge.  Now right then, I was mad as hayle at Mellie.  She know good and damn well ain’t no black man got that kinda name, I don’t care how many coins he got.  So she should have known it was a set up. Plus, I ain’t neva trusted Lizzy Bear, since she got her back grated by Huck and dry grinded with that ol’ skanky VP.

She thought “Damascus” was givin’ her information on causes and bout to cut her a check when he actually gave her salacious photos of her in all kinda states of undress with the Veep.  Bay Bay..you coulda bought ol’ Mel for a half a penny when she saw them photos.  She wanted to know who Damascus was (cuz remember, she ain’t neva met Daddy Pope…don’t know nothin’ bout him), and as usual, he told her HE was gon’ be the one asking the questions.  She sent Lizzie Bear out the room, and Damascus told her what he wanted – the list of all the grand jurors for the B613 case.

Meanwhile, yo’ boy Jake from State Farm was busy testifyin’ bout errythang including Remington, where Fitz shot down that commercial airline.  Rosen was grillin’ him too, tryna get as much info as he could from Jake and Olivia.  The grand jurors were takin’ it all in.  And then we figga’d out WHY Rowan Pope wanted the list of jurors.  Apparently, they were all on a bus, on they way to being sequestered or to the “safe house” (when they gon’ learn it ain’t no safe houses where Daddy Pope is concerned?) when they each caught a bullet to the cranium.  Chile, errybody on that bus was dead including the damn driver!  They said errybody that had been in that courtroom includin’ the court reporter and the bailiff met their untimely demise.  Daddy Pope warned ‘em, but they ain’t listen.  Nawl, they had to keep pokin’ that damn tiger.  David Rosen threw up when he saw that murder scene.  Chile, I ain’t seent that many foke dead since them people drank that kool-aid behind Jim Jones in Guyana.

Liv went runnin’ to her mama….who was no longer watchin’ her stories on a tv outside her cell. I guess David Rosen nem to cut her cable off.  Y’all know she ain’t no kinda momma, so she was beratin’ Liv for going after her father.  But in the end, Mama always knows best and she gave Liv a tip on how to get her daddy.

Liv went to the Smithsonian, where Daddy Pope works that fake arse job, and told his boss bout B613.  Done got all them foke on that bus kilt, and STILL won’t leave well enough alone!  That lady was the same one that wanted to take Liv out when them people held her captive so you know she wasn’t feelin’ what Liv and Jake nem was tryna say.  She called up Cyrus who called her Honey and told her she was bout to get her face and arse ripped off by that same Tiger errybody kept poking.  Olivia was waitin’ on ol’ girl to come back and take down Daddy Pope, but instead, when that lady got back from her lunch break, she had her goons arrest Liv and Jake!  Yes, they sent Liv to the same prison they put her mama in!  And Liv didn’t get a remote nor a tv.  I ain’t even sure she had a commode.  Now I ain’t gon’ lie…I don’t know if it was the wine or what, but I HOLLERED because how you gon’ go tell on somebody else to try to get them arrested and you end up in jail?  That man done told them plenty of times that they cain’t take Command..Command takes they arses.

Mellie realized she got all them people kilt turnin’ ova that list to Damascus/Daddy Pope, and told Lizzie and Cy.  Cy went down to the Smithsonian to Rowan’s fake arse workplace to holla at him.  This was the most I had seen Daddy Pope at that museum, cuz he don’t NEVA be at that job.  Liv shoulda figga’d his boss was B613 too (sheeit..ERRYBODY B613) because that’s the only way her daddy ain’t NEVA at work but still keep that job.

Cy went to David Rosen and threatened him.  More specifically threatened “Red”. You know David Rosen still love her and hopin’ to dry grind with her again, so he had Liv and Jake sign statements sayin’ they lied about the existence of B613.  They let Liv nem outta jail and then Daddy Pope called her to let her know she succeeded in shutting down B613 – all the remainin’ agents had been eliminated, i.e. shot in they heads, the files had been blown up and he personally killed the one agent that had been doin’ all the dirty work.  Now he was just a powerless ol’ man workin’ at them people’s museum again.

Liv got the last laugh though because once she realized Huck had funneled B613 money into an account (Quinn told her) she used that to prove that Daddy Pope had embezzled museum money.  Ain’t that a beetch? He done kilt all them damn foke for the past few seasons and he got taken down ova stealin’.  Without B613 agents, Daddy Pope ain’t have no protection and got arrested.  They sent that thang straight to gen-pop in them people’s prison.  At least Liv had a private cell.  They put Daddy Pope in there with common thieves and criminals.  I am prayin’ that he can hold on to his prison virginity.  I got $5 on his bail and $5 on his books.  Lawd I hope they don’t buy and sell Daddy Pope for cigarettes!

Quinn charged up Huck cuz she recognized his ‘handiwork’ on that bus.  Yep, Huck kilt them people, and Quinn put a gun to his head and threatened to kill him.  He begged her to pull the trigga.

Mellie won the senate seat, and was at the acceptance event when Lizzie told Fitz all about Daddy Pope coming to visit, Mellie givin’ him the list of jurors, etc.  Fitz confronted Mellie afterwards and she told him she did it for them because Rowan was gonna take them both down.  He told her to get her sheeit and get the hayle outta his house.  Which again, I take issue with, cuz we (the taxpayers) pay the note on that house erry month and the taxes.  He didn’t stop there.  He then told Cy off cuz he knew Cy was all up in it (Cy is errybit of B613) and fired his arse on the spot!  They took Cy’s badge, cafeteria card and errythang!  And guess who moved into Cy’s office as the new Chief of Staff?  LIZZIE BEAR!  Well played Lizzie!  She ain’t even walk with a limp due to grated back issues when she took her box of pics and plants up into her new office.  She walked right past Cy and smiled.

Liv invited Jake back to her place for dry grindin’ but Jake told her his mission was over.  B613 was shut down..her daddy was in them people’s penitentiary…and she was safe.  He loved her, but he knew that she loved “him” so she (Liv) should go to him.  Chile, if I hadda been able, I woulda called Jake and invited him over to my house.  If you reading this Jake…..heyyyy!  Fitz went to Liv’s apartment but she wasn’t there.  He couldn’t let himself in cuz she got all them extra locks.  He went back to the White House and found Liv there on the balcony.  Lawd, they ain’t got nobody’s security at that White House (sorta like real-life).  They played “Here Comes The Sun” by Nina Simone, and it went off as they embraced.

I don’t know how me or this blog will make it without Scandal.  What is we gon’ do?  It’s gon’ be a long hot summer.  And I cain’t even visit Daddy Pope in them people’s jail.  Tonight, ERRY member of the Pope family was in jail at some point.  Errybody that had the last name Pope was wearin’ an orange jumpsuit.  I was surprised I ain’t see THE pope goin’ to jail on Scandal.  Oh, I ain’t tell y’all..they let Mama Pope out!  David Rosen told her she was free to go if she signed a statement saying she knew nothing of B613.  Mama Pope was like ‘sheeit..where’s the pen?’  LOL!  I’m glad she got out.  Anybody that done chewed through they own damn wrists done already suffered enough punishment.

And that is how the finale ended.  I am still in my feelings bout it all.  I can’t wait to see how Shonda Rhimes and the Scandal Writers get my life at the end of the summer.  Maybe Cyrus will quit that hoe he married and become a Gladiator?  Or is there an age limit on being a Gladiator?  Maybe Daddy Pope will train the newest agents in prison and they will break him outta there.  Maybe Liv will become the new First Lady.  Maybe they will bring Russell’s ol’ fine arse back.  Or did Daddy Pope put him down like all the other agents?  I would love to see Russell workin’ for OPA.  With his shirt off.  Yeah, there are lots of things that can happen…I’m sure Shonda will keep us on our toes.  Til then…..goodnight Gladiators!

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

In the words of Big Mama, “I ain’t no mo’ good today”.  I had the pleasure of attending Muffins with Moms at McKenzie’s preschool this morning.  Interestingly enough, nothing was going right – couldn’t find her pick (#blackhaircareproblems)….she was moving slow…couldn’t find my keys…forgot to put in my “breasts” (breast cancer survivor)….couldn’t get my necklace fastened…traffic for days and she’s only 3 minutes from home, but we made it to the school with time to spare.  There were all kinds of treats…stuff that I usually don’t eat for breakfast since I am constantly and always aware of my diet.  But it really wasn’t about the food…it was about us mothers spending time with our children and receiving the gifts they had so lovingly made for us.

When we walked in to take our seats, C (named withheld for privacy) walked over to me and hugged my thigh really tight.  She told me she didn’t have a mommy for Muffins With Mom.  That her mother was in heaven.  You see, C lost her mother when she was just a baby (2 I think) to an accident of some sort.  I have never really asked the details because I don’t want to pry.  I just remember recently chastising McKenzie when she let me know that “C gets to do that” whatever the ”that” was.  And me being an old school Black Mama raised in Mississippi, I said “I don’t care what C’s Mama let’s her do…you my chile and YOU ain’t doin’ it”.  But this time, McKenzie shut me up because she quietly said “C doesn’t have a Mama, Mommy….she’s in heaven”.  And immediately, I felt a sudden sadness.  Because I had been C during my own childhood, and it brought back the pain of missing my own Mama and growing up without my mother’s physical love.  You could say that I was cursed or blessed at the beginning of life, I would guess it’s all in how you view things.  My own biological mother, for reasons which I am NOT clear and certainly reasons that will never be good enough in my eyes, put me up for adoption after she had me.  I will stop there, since I still need to share the details in a book I am writing.

But the blessing was (though I would not realize it until much later in life) that GOD allowed a “stranger” to CHOOSE me as her child through the adoption process.  Did you read what I wrote?  That had to be some kinda woman to CHOOSE a child she did not give birth to as her own.  Madear loved on me too, Y’all.  For 6 years until GOD called her home.  She died as the result of a car accident, and I was motherless again.

But before you cry for me, know that GOD (and I’d like to think my mother’s prayers) placed mother figures in my life – to care about me, love on me, pray for me, root for me, hug me, applaud me, celebrate me…when  I needed them most.  The Rosie Lees, the Opals, the Renes, the Miss Lindas (my beautiful mother-in-law who would sadly pass at age 46) and others.

Later in life, I had the pleasure of meeting someone who was in ICU visiting my mom shortly after her accident.  She said my mom knew she wouldn’t make it, and all she could talk about was “who will take care of my baby..who will raise my baby?”  Even on her death bed, my mothers’ thoughts were unselfish and not for her, but for the child she had claimed as her own.  I needed to know that.  To understand that a mother’s love is POWERFUL and transcends death.  Because even death cannot destroy MEMORIES.  Death cannot destroy LOVE.

After I’d completed college and become a CPA, I had a dream about my mother.  She was dressed in the finest clothes (like I always remembered her) and was in church with me but on the back pew.  I didn’t know she was there until we filed around the church with our offerings.  She smiled at me, gave me an approving glance..I waved…mouthed to her I’d be back after church to visit with her.  I remember being so excited and turning around on that front pew to look back at her.   But before I could have that conversation in my dreams, I woke up.  With tears on my pillow.  I knew that she was proud of me, and I felt her love all around me that day and ever since.

So all of that is why I invited C to sit down with me and McKenzie for Muffins With Mom.  I knew that even though I had never met C’s mother, I can pretty much guarantee that her mom would have never left her side willingly.  No mother raises her hand and says “Lord take me from my young child”.  That in C’s mother’s last days, or minutes, or seconds, her thoughts, love and prayers were with daughter.  That she prayed for C to know and feel a mother’s love in person…a mother’s concern…a mother’s care…a mother’s touch.  That one day, somebody would have the chance to step in C’s life and mother her, if only for a few minutes.  I smiled knowing C’s mother was smiling down on the both of us.  C hugged me, again and again, and I accepted again and again.  I was happy to have her in one arm..and my own child in the other because it made me feel closer to my own mom who has been gone now for almost four decades.

I have always loved and appreciated the sentiment of Mother’s Day, even while at the same time hating it because it made the loss of my mother such a glaring one and hard to bear.  My heart goes out to children of ALL ages who have to celebrate this day without their mothers.  May you be comforted this Sunday and every day of the year.  That leaves those of you that are so blessed to have your mothers still.  This Mother’s Day I am asking you…NO I am TELLING you to call your mother.  Spend time with your mother.  Tell her how much you love her.  Do something nice for her.  Cherish her.  Hold her hand.  Hug her.  Because somewhere there is a little girl like C who WISHES she could hug her mother one LAST time.  I know because I am also that little girl.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

I ain’t been over here in a month of Sundays.  I gotta be mo’ diligent on blogging…definitely gotta do betta.  But this ain’t bout my bloggin’ histry – I’m supposed to be talmbout Scandal tonight.  Liv nem still had Russell, but I don’t know how he went from the gun barrel to his fo’head to being topless and tied up.  There were tornadoes in the area and local news had interrupted programming to tell us about the weather.  I felt bad, because once I realized it wasn’t in my area, I wanted them to stop talkin’ bout the storms and lemme watch Scandal.  Yeah, I know..selfish.  But I had breast cancer…twice..so I deserve to be a little selfish now and again.  Seriously though…glad everybody is okay.  Y’all like how I just did that – brought a gun to a knife fight tellin’ y’all bout my battle so y’all can be like “carry on” versus tellin’ me I’m selfish.  Anyway….

Liv wanted to know who/what Foxtail was, and told Russell they weren’t going to kill him but Huck and Quinn nem was gon’ make him wish he was dead.  And with that, Quinn and her drill were back in action.  They put a small hole in Russell’s kneecap and ain’t have nobody’s numbing gel.  Russell screamed bloody murder.  I was just thankful they ain’t drill them abs and upper chest regions, cuz that thang body is TIGHT.  That thang been drankin’ plenty milk cuz it sho’ done done his body good.  REAL good.  I decided Russell ain’t even NEED knees at that point.

Can I just say I love the Vice President?  They put her into that position as more of a figga-head than real politician.  You know how they did Lady Eloise in Boomerang.  Yo’ photo errywhere but you ain’t got no power.  That thang doin’ errythang though to be relevant.  She was s’posed to be takin’ photos and saying hello at the Naval station and instead she done discovered one of the seaman (woman) had been raped.  I did like how Shonda and the Scandal Writers handled such a difficult emotional topic from beginning to end.  Liv was brought in as a fixer, as was a military attorney that was supposed to be helping them.

At the end of the day, the rapist was brought to justice, but not before the young seaman had to undergo an abortion in a gripping scene.  You know Shonda nem is good for using this show to test boundaries and make you think about and question where you stand on the real and sometimes controversial issues of the day.  The writers and actresses were able to show how it feels for a woman to be raped and then become impregnated and have that constant reminder of that brutal crime that was committed against her.  No matter if you are pro-choice or pro-life, you felt something during that scene.  I’m sure anybody who has ever dealt with this issue first-hand got emotional.  I used to be in the military and remember this issue around our base.  Apparently, some men in the military think “don’t ask..don’t tell” applies to rape.  Getting off my soapbox and back to Scandal….

Liv left Quinn, Huck, and Russell in her apartment (I think Jake was across the hall in the ol’ neighbors place – that ol’ lady musta paid her rent up for some months, cuz Liv nem always up in there doin’ dirt) and instructed HuckleberryQuinn NOT to answer the door or the phone.  You know the same stuff yo mama used to tell you not to do when she was leavin’ you at home by yourself when you were 10 back in the 80s.  CPS and child welfare musta not had nobody workin’ there when I was growin’ up cuz all kindsa sheeit that shouldna gone on was going on back then!  She told them that her daddy was gon’ be lookin’ for Russell and all of them too, so they needed to just let the phone ring, close all the blinds and bolt all the locks.

Then Russell’s phone rang.  Quinn told Huck not to answer it but he was sure he could track Daddy Pope and get him fo’ Daddy Pope got them.  How many damn times does that man have to tell these fools that “you don’t take Command…Command takes YOU”? In other words, they ain’t dealin’ with no amateur!  They only needed Daddy Pope on the phone for 12 seconds..they answered and then ain’t say nothin’…that man hung up at 11.56 seconds.  Just long enough for Russell to try to cough with some old dirty drawls taped in his mouth.

Mellie still runnin’ for that Senate seat.  And she still got Lizzy Bear (Portia DeRossi) assisting her.  Lawd..Lizzy Bear ain’t been able to sit on a couch right since Huck ran that cheese grater back and forth ova her back.

Jake from State Farm tried to tell Liv that Russell wasn’t gon’ give up no information on Foxtail no matta how much she tortured him.  Lawd knows, Russell tried to take a kill pill (I think it was cyanide) that he had tucked in his jaw when they took that dirty sock out.  Jake ended up bringin’ Russell a beer and untying him and they chatted bout bein’ B613 boys, talked lovingly about they “daddy” (Command) and other stuff.  I was like why are repeating sayings from the Book of Rowan?  That thang done shot one of ‘em, and had the other one damn near gutted.  After they finished drinkin’, Russell told Jake to tie him (Russell) back up and send back in the ‘crazy dude’ (Huck).  Bay Bay, I SCREAMED.

And speaking of Jake – that thang must got some good insurance from State Farm and a great immune system.  Cuz he was BAMMING on death’s door just last week.  And this week, he goin’ out for lunch, drankin’ beer, watching his stories from Liv’s bed and chillin’.  He got well QUICK.  I ain’t neva seent nobody have a complete recovery that damn quick.

Quinn figga’d out (a little too late) that the attorney that was s’posed to be helping them with the rape case was actually NOT the attorney but B613.  Bay Bay…ERRYBODY in B613.  I had to check my own damn drivers license and IDs to make sure I ain’t B613.  They done recruited all kindsa foke.  The former attorney now B613 agent went back to Liv’s apartment and caught Huck slippin’.  Huck let him in and promptly caught a needle to the neck.  Russell was untied and rescued.  By the time Liv nem got back, Russell was gone with a hole in his patella (they coulda at least given him matchin’ holes in case he wanted to wear piercings!).  When will they learn that they cannot win against that crazy arse Rowan Pope?

And we finally discovered who Foxtail is – Mellie Mel!  Daddy Pope greeted her in that final scene.  That damn Daddy Pope.  Don’t care what he do, who he kill, how many steaks he cook and eat up, how many agents he gotta recruit or throw in the hole.  And then they showed a clip of the finale and I got my whole life and somebody else’s!  Bay Bay – they showed Mama Pope watchin’ basic cable with no remote…they showed Daddy Pope smilin’…showed Liv behind bars….it was all too much!  But I will be right here..with wine in hand (and hoping for good weather!) next week….

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Bay Bay, I cried like Celie’s sister from The Color Purple screaming WHYYYYY???? when Scandal opened up with Jake layin’ up on them people’s table all bloodied and whatnot.  Quinn had dialed Liv and was talkin’ a mile a minute.  And then my heart stopped again, cuz I thought that ol’ pancake makeup wearin’ Russell was hidin’ out at OPA ready to pounce on the next Gladiator and gut ‘em like a damn fish.  Thank goodness it was Huck, who knows a thing or seven bout killin’ foke and stabbin’ them all bout the carotid artery.  He figga’d out that Jake from State Farm was still warm and that no major artery or organ had been hit, even though Jake was unconscious and bleedin’ out.  He popped that thang dead in the chest – I guess that is more effective than givin’ mouth to mouth – and Jake rose up.  Chile I FAINTED.  And when I came to, I was happy neither one of them had to put they lips on each other in the name of resuscitation.

It wasn’t long before they took Jake to an abandoned house (dungeon?) and found Charlie, who brought in a fake arse Dr. Zhivago to fix up Jake.  It’s not like they could take him to the hospital because y’all know Rowan was gon’ be ready and watchin’.

Russell was chillin’ with Daddy Pope, feelin’ like the man when you walk through, talmbout he had sliced and diced Jake Julienne-style like a chef at Benihana.  Daddy Pope was drankin’ that brown likka, so I figga’d somethin’ was gon’ pop off.  He told Russell he couldna kilt Jake cuz if he had, Olivia would be done called by now.  Russell said ‘well if he ain’t dead, he damn sho’ hangin’ on by a thread’ to which Daddy Pope said ‘well you betta get yo’ arch-ded eyebrowed arse out there and cut that damn thread he hangin’ on by’.  Bay Bay, I HOLLERED and got the betta part of my life.  Y’all know I got a love/hate relationship with that ol’ murderous Daddy Pope – I love to hate his ol’ yak-drankin’ arse.

Russell tried callin’ his boo, but Olivia was obviously pre-occupied with her other boo damn near dyin’.  Russell was tryin’ frantically to find out where Liv was cuz he knew if he didn’t, that was gon’ be his arse and he was gon’ be in them people’s hole or worse.  He shoulda done like they all do when they don’t know how to respond to Daddy Pope – go enlist the help of Mama Pope.  She the only one that can keep Rowan in line.  But alas, she was sittin’ in her prison cell watchin’ basic cable through the bars.

Russell came back to Daddy Pope to tell him he couldn’t find Jake or Liv or no damn body that worked for OPA.  Rowan was still on that brown likka, and put his drank down, pulled out a gun and shot Russell in the arm.  Then that thang put the gun back where it came from, picked up his glass and went back to drankin’ like he didn’t just injure that man.  I closed my eyes when it happened cuz I just knew he’d shot Russell twixt the eyes.  Or worse in his six-pack abs.  I was glad Russell’s fine physique was still intact and he had just a flesh wound.

Russell ended up in the hospital and called Liv.  He pretended he got robbed.  Next thing you know, his arse was gettin’ needled all up and through his neck by Huck and wakin’ up in that ol’ abandoned house/makeshift hospital room.  Dr. Zhivago had fixed up Jake and wheeled him back into the main room, but told him he couldn’t take the breathin’ tube out nor could Jake move, lest he head straight to the Upper Room.  He even put Jake in restraints.  Jake noticed that his hospital bed was right next to Russell’s!!!  You know B613 ain’t got nobody’s health insurance or Obamacare, so it wasn’t like they were in private rooms.  Yo’ boy Russell realized Jake was defenseless and got up to kill him again.  Jake was able to pop a restraint and snatch out his own tube which alerted the doctor.  Russell played it off, like he ain’t do nothin’.  I hate when somebody do dirt and hide they hand.

Meanwhile, Liv was supposed to do a favor for the doctor – she was to help his Russian spy friend get out the game.  “Black Sable” was now a dotin’ grandma to two precocious little kids in the suburbs.  Liv tried to broker a deal where the person who wouldn’t let Black Sable out would kill Liv’s daddy.  But as we all know, Daddy Pope is like a roach – you cain’t kill his arse and he just keeps comin’ back.  He might even play dead, but he ain’t gon’ neva be gone for real.  That thang went up in them people’s house and put a bullet in errybody’s head that lived there including the dog.  When I tell you that Daddy Pope was killing ERRYBODY – MEN, WOMEN, CHIRREN, PETS, BAES, BOOS, SIDECHICKS, ETC – I damn sho’ mean it!  And then Liv went out to her car, and Daddy Pope had stuffed the guy she sent to kill him in her own damn car with a bullet in his damn head.  Liv realized she wasn’t dealin’ with no amateur and called errythang off.  Cuz it was clear, Daddy Pope was ready to kill Liv, Rosen, Sally Langston, Jake again, Fitz, Mellie, Cyrus’ ho’husband , the VP and errybody.  Liv said “uncle..damn” and waved the white flag.

With the crisis averted, she called Russell ova for dry grindin’, but I knew in my spirit somethin’ wasn’t quite right.  Liv got on top of him and apologized for everything crazy that had happened.  And just as he was bout to caress her suppleness, Liv pulled out what had to be a 45 (cuz it was a big arse SHINY gun) and put it to Russell’s forehead cuz she’d figga’d out he was behind the attempted murder of Jake and was actually B613 (she figga’d out that Russell was the one feedin’ her father information on all the goings-on).  I closed my eyes.  I had gotten so tired of foke pullin’ pistols on Russell…he ain’t been on the show for a good three episodes and done had several guns pulled on him and even been shot.  Plus, I ain’t want Liv to mess that face up or her good sheets.

And that’s how it went off.  Somebody must have made Shonda Rhimes real mad tonight cuz she had all kindsa foke die in this episode and on Grey’s.  I cain’t wait til next week.  I think Russell is goin’ to make it out alive because I see him being handled by Huckleberry Quinn in the previews.  I do need Shonda nem to stop recruiting B613 agents from Stomp The Yard though (thanks B).  I guess next we gon’ see Chris Brown workin’ at OPA.  You know if them people let him outta community service and off probation to shoot an episode.  I don’t know none of the people in the 2^nd Stomp the Yard if’n they do show up. I think that movie went straight to DVD.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

I don’t know why I can’t stop watching this show.  And I know it’s mostly staged…has to be…cuz there is no damn way these foke AIN’T acting.  Stevie J…I mean Stebie J…was back being the sneaky sleazeball that he is.  Now, he’s in a business relationship with his baby mama, Mimi.  I don’t understand that.  Errybody know you cain’t make bread where you done laid yo’ meat.  They will end up in a compromisin’ relationship (i.e. having relations) before it is over.  Especially since Mimi done told him Eva (their baby together) wants a little brother or sister.  You know Stebie offered her some of the “Sleazy Sauce” to make that happened.  Let me say this.  Stebie J don’t need no mo’ damn kids.  That thang got a FEDERAL case for back chile suppote against him which means he has to owe in the millions.  When the government come in and puts a lien on yo’ sheeit, sheeit is bad.  Real bad.  I don’t know who kept layin’ down with him, havin’ babies.  Y’all see Eve got away without one of his souvenirs.  She was smart.  Now she got her a rich frail white man named Maximillian.  That name even SOUND rich.

Apparently, there’s gonna be a new cast member.  I didn’t care enough to remember her name. I think it was Tiffany Foxx.  She is a retiring Miami stripper (yes, apparently, there’s a golden parachute/pension plan for old strippers), and we all know where ol’ strippers go to die – Atlanta.  And the world of hip hop so they can become ‘rappers’.  I ain’t neva seen a group of foke who STAY in the studio workin’ but don’t have nary hit playin’ on the radio.  She used to strip with Joseline Hernandez Jordan but Joseline no longer takes her calls.  That’s going to be interesting.

Nikko the rat-faced snake (right…that don’t even go together so I guess that’s why he looks facially challenged) was back.  He has broken up with Mimi since that ill-fated sex tape they made.  I’m still mad they tried to play us all like they didn’t do that tape on purpose.  Like they just always have sex hangin’ from shower rods and looking into MOVING cameras.  Um..okay.  Anyway, he is trying to get back with his wife.  Yes, that thang still got a wife, even though she acknowledged their marriage has always been open.  She was even seeing somebody else.  Seeing them together made me see just how perfect the two of them are for each other if we are going by looks, cuz them thangs both got faces only they mothers could love.  I hope there are no kids from the union.  She is in NYC but apparently is going to go where wives who been in open marriages with men who make porn tapes with other women go to die.  Atlanta.

Kirk is still Kirk.  Rasheeda was saying they are doing better than ever and are back on track.  Apparently her husband ain’t get the message because the episode wasn’t on for a good 20 minutes before he was up in an apartment with a random layin’ on his bed.  I don’t understand why Rasheeda just doesn’t leave -Kirk does NOT respect her.  That is clear.

Mama Dee was on the scene.  Apparently somebody bought “I Deserve” because she done made a little change and got that loose tooth fixed.  She was performing at a club (mostly empty but I’m thinking she still got paid) and sounded a hot smoker’s voice-ded mess.  She is in a good place with Erica but still ain’t feelin’ The Bamb.  Speaking of Bambi, I just don’t like her stank attitude reality show hoppin’ arse.  Scrappy walkin’ round in Atlanta wearin’ “fur” coats made out of Cocker Spaniel and behind in chile suppote.  Ain’t put nothin’ in the coffers for E-Money (his baby with Erica).  Erica is trying not to take him to court, but is torn because she knows he needs to be helping her take care of THEIR child.  She blames Bambi for not letting Scrappy do what he’s supposed to do.  When asked about that, Scrappy said:  “I ain’t got no time for the Chile Suppote I E.  I’m tryna get this Miz Nigh E.   You feel me?”  Nawl Scrap..we don’t feel you.  We don’t even know what the hayle you talmbout half the time.

Nikko is trying to make money off Mimi (surprise…um that’s what that leech has been doin’ since he arrived on the scene with his ol’ wack Chuck E Cheese lookin’ arse) and she signed a contract with him giving him 25% of the proceeds from her three-book deal.  Yes, somebody done gave that girl a book deal, and here I am writin’ blogs and whatnots and cain’t even get nobody to let me write an article or a column.  Raise your hand if you gon’ buy Mimi’s book about her life.  Exactly.  So the two rats (Nikko and Stebie J) met in an alley and got in a fake fight about the situation.  Oh, Stebie said he had some real dirt on Nikko.  What?  That he gay?  K Michelle said that when we first saw Nikko.  That ain’t no tea.  That ain’t even Kool-Aid.  It’s pretty obvious actually that he swing both ways.

And that brings me to the question of the hour – where was Joseline Hernandez Jordan?  Yes, she was MIA.  Maybe that’s why the premiere kinda sucked.  Stebie J said she was in Puerto Rico gettin’ herself together after she wilded out on them people’s stage at the reunion and beat up ERRYBODY.  They showed a clip of upcoming episodes though and the Puerto Rican Princess will return home soon…causin’ chaos and havoc all up through LHHATL….

Follow Me on Twitter @staylorclark

My BFF, Kathy, got married this weekend.  Interestingly enough, another good friend got married in March….and two other good friends will join the married ranks by the end of the summer (Hey Sherrelle, Sue and Jess!).  Also gon’ shout out Sean even though he snuck off and did it.  Which works for me cuz that’s one less gift I gotta buy  LOL.  Congratulations to all of y’all.  I’ve been married for 13 years, which is like 30 years in the Black community.  Hey, y’all done seen the stats.  And just like most Black foke, I got an asterisk on them 13 years because we been together for 18 total.  It is pretty common amongst Black foke to be “together” and dating exclusively for 15 years but be married for like 2.  I’ve also been a bridemaid (in the words of Nene Leakes who just can’t say bridesmaid) 8 times.  I’ve attended an Indian wedding…a Buddhist wedding…Catholic weddings…but have attended mostly Black weddings, so that’s what I’m gon’ talk about here.

Not because I got anything against white people. I actually love white people as wedding guests (they always buy the nicest stuff and off your registry) and in weddings (they gon’ start and end on time and ain’t gon’ take all day gettin’ down the aisle.  It’s gon’ be a nice short program and they gon’ usually serve free alcohol complete with real bartenders).  But, again, since I’ve only actually participated in Black weddings including the one I tied the knot in, that’s gon’ be my focus.

So if you are attending a Black wedding this spring/summer….refer to my list and see how many of these things really happen:

• A flower girl or ring bearer who is between the age of 1 and 3 ain’t gon’ make it down the aisle without a grown-up assisting.  I’m telling you this because I care and you might be mad when you see the video or photos of lil Brandon or Taylor walking down the aisle holding hands with her daddy or momma, whom you didn’t expect to become a part of your wedding party.
• The pastor/preacher/reverend conducting the ceremony is gon’ want you to say “amen” and “well”.  A. Lot. He might even announce that the doors of the church are open especially if he is tryna build his congregation.  #Opportunity
• The bride is likely to give foke in the audience the “side eye” during the part where the pastor/preacher/reverend says “If anybody can show just cause why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.  This is also NOT a good time to sneeze, cough, laugh or otherwise move.
• The first kiss is likely to be all kinds of inappropriate.  Just smile through it, cheer and try to “unsee” it and erase it from your memory later.
• The number of gifts on the gift table are NOT going to match the number of guests.  It might not even be “close”.  So when Uncle Leroy says “oh snap…I done left yo’ gift at home” or that friend from college says she shipped it, you can give them a knowing smile.  Yeah…sure you did.
• Somebody gon’ eat mo’ than they share of the passed hors d’oeuvres.  It’s prolly gon’ be Uncle Leroy and the friend from college (see above).  Plan accordingly.
• Somebody gon’ drink up all the liquor because it’s open bar and they ain’t got to pay.  You may also have a few bottles of somethin’ missin’ by the end of the night.  Some foke think that if they bought a gift, they get to leave with one too.  If it’s at your house, hide yo’ sheeit.
• Single ladies are gonna be real competitive durin’ the bouquet toss.  They might be the best of friends or sorority sisters or whateva, but somethin’ bout the bride tossin’ those flowers make it erry woman for herself.  Foke who ain’t neva been athletic gon’ turn into all kindsa track stars and high jumpers.  They might even end up on the floor.  Don’t be surprised to see the lucky lady who catches it all bruised up in the photos.  Also, don’t be surprised to see her still in competition five years later, because she still won’t be married.  I think that bouquet thing might actually be bad luck.
• Single men are going to have to be prodded to get out on the dance floor during the garter toss.  And when the groom tosses it, they all are going to watch it fall to the floor.  The other ones are goin’ to all gang up on one of the men to make him pick it up.  He won’t be smilin’ in the photos cuz in his mind, he just “lost”.  Especially if he came with a date.  Especially if the date is clapping and smiling really hard.
• A line dance of some form is going to happen, so if you need to practice, get to it.  You gon’ do the Electric Slide, The K Wang Wit It, and The Cupid Shuffle.  It’s gon’ be some new ones too that one person knows how to do (or made up cuz they wanna seem better than you) and he gon’ be tryna teach errybody.  Watch out for that somebody that is probably going to be drunk (yes, somebody always gets drunk at a Black wedding.  That person also usually spills dranks so be careful with the carpeting).

Enjoy wedding season, and congratulations to everybody getting married in 2015!  I proclaimed 2014 the year of the side chick.  With Don Sterling’s wife winnin’ that judgement against his old mistress (V. Stiviano) recently, I proclaim 2015 the year of the wifey!!!!  Ahhhh…I love LOVE!

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

So tonight was the season finale of Real Housewives of Atlanta.  It was rather tame as season finales go.  Sorta made me wonder if something is wrong with me because I only like it a lot when there is some drama goin’ on between the women.  Or when Mama Joyce scowlin’ and cuttin’ up.  Or when Peter is actin’ like he wants to wear a long dress and hold a peach.  I need to work on that.

Anyway, the standout things tonight (i.e. things I remember cuz I done had some of that “oil”) were as follows:

• Mama Joyce apologizin’ (well sorta) for the mean, downright hateful stuff she said ’bout Todd’s mother.  She said she was only repeatin’ stuff she had heard bout Todd’s mama bein’ a lady of the night.  In other words, she confessed to being a damn bird, cuz only parrots repeat awful sheeit they done heard without thinkin’ of the ramifications.  I don’t even know if Todd accepted it…he prolly didn’t.
• Riley “shadin'” her own damn mama talmbout “you moving to L.A.?  What about me? Your kid?  What about my education so I can become somethin’ in this world?”  Bay Bay – I hollered.  It’s hard for me to remember that that lil baby is just a kid, cuz she look kinda old and weathered bout the face and body.  I guess she big for her age.  She cute though.  Lawd forgive me for halfway draggin’ a chile.  But she does look older, y’all gotta admit.  She reminds of Mama Joyce whens she be givin’ them facial expressions.  I don’t know who is better at it but it’s definitely genetic.
• NeNe’s turn on Broadway seemed to go off without a hitch.  I was proud of ol’ Nene.  I did wonder, though, how she could look better in a stockin’ cap then she did in the assortment of wigs she wore all season.  Yep..I give a compliment and then I follow it up with shade.
• Kenya’s Life Twirls On looks like it is pretty funny.  I was thinking it was a movie, but it is a tv pilot.  I hope it gets picked up.  Hayle Bravo can air it.  They air errythang else.  I ain’t care bout half them people that got married on tv on their network but that ain’t stop them for showin’ it.  She’s actually pretty funny, and I think she is underrated at time.  Y’all know I cut for Kenya.  I don’t care how much crazy she participates in or how much drama she stirs up, I love her.  LOL.  But I did deduct some points from her when #Phonegate happened on Celebrity Apprentice.  Y’all know I love my Vivica Fox too and I ain’t like how messy things got.
• Please tell Peter to stop sinkin’ Cynthia’s modelin’ money into failed bars and such.  I cain’t even say Bailey Agency change cuz I ain’t seent nothin’ happen with that all season.  Does she even still have an agency?  And if not, what happened to the Bailey Boys?  They still workin’?  Peter done opened up a coffee shop called Peter’s Brew in Atlanta.  I’m sure it will be closed by the second part of the reunion.  He should have called it Peter’s Tea cuz that thang sho’ like to gossip and be up in errythang.
• Phaedra needs to make sure the boys maintain a relationship wtih Apollo.  She cannot act like “he” never happened.  For all that Apollo has ever done in his criminal past, SHE CHOSE HIM.  She is a criminal defense attorney (“supposably”) so she knows when it comes to an ex-con, you have to look deep before you leap.  Accordin’ to Apollo, she was all “in”, even sleepin’ on an air mattress at the halfway house with that man.  So yes, he needs to see his kids.  She just needs to suck it up and make it happen.  And stop making excuses bout Kentucky being far from Atlanta and Mr. Secretary of The Treasury havin’ to soil his diaper and possibly endin’ the visit.
• And finally, Apollo don’t need to be callin’ nobody’s cellphone collect unless it’s his mama’s or Phaedra’s.  If I was Peter, I’d change my number.  I ain’t even know you could call a cellphone collect from prison.  But it ain’t like I got friends in prison.  It’s gonna be a long 8 years for Apollo in them people’s penitentiary.  I still really want him to see his kids though..write to them..email them…etc.  Those boys deserve to know the truth.

So yeah, not much to work with tonight.  I coulda had a V-8 I guess.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

I don’t know even know where to begin.  I am clearly still in my feelin’s bout what happened at the end.  It was crazy because in the beginnin’, I was sooo excited to see Daddy Pope again..and he didn’t disappoint.  This time he couldn’t just pick Liv’s lock and just be sittin’ at her table drankin’ up her good wine when she got home.  Nope..he had to show up with Russell.  Now last week, I was sure he “sent” Russell, and that they were workin’ together but since Russell was layin’ on Liv’s flo’ bound and gagged and drugged, I was thinking he was just an innocent bystander to Daddy Pope’s shenanigans and treachery.  I just figga’d he was back for another…er..um..”sample”.

Papa Pope went in on Liv…tellin’ her she had 48 hours to call off the dogs (Quinn, Huck, Jake and Rosen) or she was gon’ bring not only him down, but her ol’ on again off again lover Fitz.  Because Daddy Pope IS  a trained killa, but ain’t hardly unreasonable, he did give her 48 hrs to decide what to do.  I wonder if he done seent his wife in the people’s prison lately, but I digress.

The VP they done put in place was busy actin’ up, thinking they actually care bout what she thinks.  She smarter than she look though cuz she figga’d it all out – they put her in that position so Mellie could run for her Senate seat and then run for President with no challenge from the sitting VP.  She shocked ‘em though by taking her position seriously, and she finally won over Fitz after stalling an important vote fo’ bout a week.  I like this Veep wayyy betta than that ol’ murderous fake religion kitten heel wearin’ Sally.  I don’t think I eva forgave her for killin’ her husband with that ol’ comfortable shoe.  I guess a kitten heel is betta than an orthopedic heel though (hey Mama Joyce from RHOA).

That ol’ community activist was back on the scene..remember him from the episode where Brandon was murdered by the dirty cop?  If that Scandal episode wasn’t some foreshadowin’ on what happened just recently in SC, I don’t know what was!  Anyway, Marcus was runnin’ for mayor of DC against the incumbent.  What we didn’t know was that he was also runnin’ up in that man’s wife in the mayor’s mansion errytime he got a chance.  Had pretty much already took that man’s wife and was campaignin’ in them streets, bout to take his job.

The mayor got tired of his wife THOTtin’ around and had her kilt.  And when I say kilt..I mean kilt.  Them men stabbed her right after she had JUST gotten through hunchin’ with Marcus (he hid in the closet while she was gettin’ stabbed all bout the jugular, face and back).  That crime scene was brutal. He called OPA, and you know Liv was gon’ fix it cuz she thinks Marcus can still get her Black card reinstated.  Huck and Quinn cleaned up the crime scene and broke that lady’s bones so they could fold her up in a suitcase (the “fold and tuck”).  Lawd..them thangs don’t care who they duct tape and wrap in plastic.  They cleaned that room up too.  It was SPOTLESS.  And then they rolled the mayor’s wife body out in a Samsonite.

Liv told Marcus he could choose his career or justice, but he couldn’t have both.  She struck a deal with the mayor that would allow him to step down to search for his “missing wife” and endorse Marcus.  And just like white people sometimes do, the mayor couldn’t just sign the deal and keep his mouth shut.  Noooo!  He had to say “that beetch got what she deserved”.  Y’all know even though she was a THOT and 2015 doesn’t seem like the year of the sidepiece (see what happened to V. Stiviano being sued SUCCESSFULLY by the wife for the return of all the sheeit Don Sterling bought her includin’ used thongs and a blender), Marcus ain’t want to hear him talk bout that lady like that and he had been all up under her clothes.  So when the mayor got through with his spiel, Marcus took to the podium and outed the affair he was havin’ with ol’ girl AND the mayor for being a murderer.  He said he was a sinner, but didn’t cry like them white pastors and Bill Clinton did when they got caught with them outside women.

Jake went to Olivia to tell her he was there for her (and to get some but now that Liv been dry grindin’ with Russell, she ain’t feelin’ Jake’s no rhythm in his hips, cain’t dance for sheeit arse).  Russell came over to break it off with Liv and ended up breaking Liv off.  That sex scene had me drankin’ brown likka AND smokin’ a Newport.  Chile, it was hot, hot, hot!  I woulda gladly let Russell mess up a few of my pillowcases (I know it ain’t just me who thinks he always looks like he is wearing eyeliner and foundation (MAC StudioFix NW45 to be exact) – he fine now, but I am just being honest) if he was doin’ me like Liv.  You know if something unfortunate happened to Nate.  While they were dry grindin’ and hunchin’, I was real GLAD Liv had added them extra locks, because y’all know Daddy Pope be showin’ up at the worst times.  I just knew he woulda walked in and saw Liv in the buck gettin’ it.

Daddy Pope did come back to Liv’s apartment though to see what she’d decided.  She told her daddy that he did know her…and that she’d chosen a side, but it wasn’t his.  Bay Bay…when Daddy Pope smiled and seemed really calm versus cussin’ her out, I knew the show wasn’t gon’ end well.  He told her to be ready and that she wasn’t goin’ to be proud of him for the wrath he was brought to bring on foke.  They showed split screens of Rosen, Liv, Huck, Quinn and Jake takin’ shots and toasting to each other for standin’ in the sun and wearin’ white hats (i.e. exposing B613).

And just like clockwork, we saw Jake going into the OPA offices, after hours, in the damn dark, tellin’ Olivia he had gotten her text.  I was surprised at Jake, cuz I thought he was smarter than that and always traveled with a gun or 7.  Plus, knowin’ that Rowan had been comin’ for them AND that he had kilt one of Daddy Pope’s assassins JUST last week…he should have called Liv to confirm the meeting and actually talked to her.  And then met her at her apartment, completely strapped and holdin’ a hand grenade.  But nawl…he went right on up in that office, prolly carryin’ only condoms as protection and met a killer face to face.  They fought for a minute and then Jake snatched off the killer’s mask and realized it was Russell.  LAWD..my heart went into palpitations, I broke out in a cold sweat, and I wanted my mommy.  You know, if’n I had a mommy.

At that very moment, Russell pulled out a knife and went to filet-ing Jake.  He then told Jake how disappointed he was – that Daddy Pope had bragged that Jake was one of the best agents he’d ever had.  And then told Jake he was gon’ start cutting again and he wanted Jake to at least “try” to fight him back.  Jake, already mortally wounded, could only lay there and take them damn stabs to the stomach, side and chest.  It was nothin’ like when Jake kilt Cyrus’ wife…there was no usherin’ Jake slowly into the Upper Room.  It was brutal and tragic.  I kidded Jake from State Farm, but I did like his character a lot.  Even though I know erry time Daddy Pope show up on the scene , somebody got to die…I still didn’t want it to be Jake.  The only people happy bout Jake goin’ home to glory tonight are Daddy Pope and James.  I still feel sad.  I will prolly wear black tomar.  Never mind that most of my wardrobe is black anyway…..

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

Yasss, Hunny!  Scandal was good to-night!  I’m talmbout Shonda Rhimes nem had me up in this hotel room holl’ing like I was an old B613 agent with Daddy Pope comin’ for me!  I’m on East Coast time, so I need to get to bed..gotta be in a training class for work at 8 a.m.  I love Olivia and Fitz and Jake from State Farm nem but they ain’t gon’ have nothin’ on these bills a sistah got if’n I get pinkslipped.

The show started out with Rosen still wanting to go after B613.  That fo-eyeded thang ain’t gon’ NEVA learn.  You would think that after feelin’ them people’s blood all ova his face and seein’ James get shot dead – that would be mo’ than enough for him to leave Jake nem alone but nooooo.  He’s a glutton for punishment and one with a damn death wish. He offered Jake a deal in exchange for testifyin’ but Jake put him in a figga fo’ headlock and would have NONE of it.  And that was how Jake pretty much went rogue and started gunnin’ for foke (litrally) that was comin’ for him.

Without Jake, Rosen decided to go after former agents offering them immunity in exchange for helpin’ him bring down B613.  There was a black former agent…a female former agent..even an ol’ elderly male agent.  One by one, Huck and Quinn and Charlie nem rolled up on the former B613 personnels.  The former agents agreed to do it..and Huck nem knew they’d be in danger so they put them in a “safe house” until the trial so they wouldn’t be harmed.  Bay Bay…that damn house was ANYTHANG but safe.  Charlie came home and all three of them agents were strewn out on that flo’ dead.  Well the black agent was HALF dead.  Still able to crawl but bloody from the neck up and chest down.  I thought that was ironic since the black people usually be the first to get killed when there is a massacre on tv, but I digress.

I think Charlie had a bag of takeout from Pei Wei, and when he saw “dead people” he thought he was gon’ flee the scene.  Jake was in them people’s safe house though and started boxin’ Charlie all bout the head and ears.  He put Charlie in a figga 8 headlock, but Charlie ain’t no amateur and started boxin’ back.  He boxed Jake all bout the face, chest and groin and they fell to the floor where they struggled ova a gun.  The gun went off and put the crawlin’ half dead black agent outta his misery.  Charlie was able to break the hayle out.

In the next scene, Charlie, Quinn, and Huck were wrappin’ up them ol’ agents’ bodies in duct tape and plastic.  They decided they had to kill Jake, cuz that thang had done went batsheeit crazy!  But Jake had them and they offices’ bugged and was listenin’ to errythang they were sayin’.  They tracked Jake to Liv’s apartment, where they found Liv entertainin’ a fine Black dude that used to be a one-night stand but done now turnt into a relationship (LAWD, Fitz gon’ DIE and blow up Antartica when he find out who live been spendin’ time with).  Jake was actually in Liv’s old neighbor’s apartment (they ain’t rented that apartment out yet?  Or let Florence move into it?) and then he came out with a damn sawed off in his hands.  He told them if they tried to kill him and failed, he was gon’ kill Liv.  Lawd, I felt light-headed and I believe I fainted for a minute.  Y’all know Liv just got out them people’s dungeon where they tried to sell her off.

Liv ended up tellin’ Huck she could take care of herself.  Rosen called Huck and told him that he (David Rosen) would testify cuz he saw Jake kill James, Cyrus’ husband and them two other people.  Of course, Jake was listenin’ (they act like Jake wasn’t neva B613 and used to tappin’ phone lines and buggin’ offices and whatnots) and we knew David Rosen was bout to take an express elevator to the Upper Room.

David Rosen walked out to his car with his assistant and told her something big was gonna happen, and Jake was sittin’ in a car in the same garage gettin’ his sawed off ready.  David and the assistant were puttin’ files in his car and Jake got out and bumrushed ’em.  Just when I thought he was gon’ shoot Rosen, he told Rosen to step aside and he (Jake) and the assistant pulled guns on each other.  The assistant was an undercover B613 agent sent by Daddy Pope.  She tried to make a deal with Jake but he told her arse this was Deal or No Deal and she got No Deal and shot her dead.  He gave David a wet wipe and told him to wipe the blood off his face.  He told David he was still one of the good guys (and wanting to take down B613) but it required him acting like one of the bad guys to stay alive.  Told David this was a war…and Daddy Pope was gon’ be comin’ after them.

In the next scene, there was a knock at Liv’s door.  They have to knock now that she done changed them flimsy arse locks.  It was her new love interest/side piece/one night stand turnt 10 Russell (damn he was lookin’ all kindsa good!) but guess who came out of the shadows to stand next to him?  That damn Daddy Pope!  BAY BAY…I jumped up, hollered and screamed!  I LIVED.  I DIED.  And then I put the paddles to my own chest, yelled “CLEAR” and LIVED again!

Daddy’s home y’all…and Liv nem ain’t gon’ neva be the same…..

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

So Nene Leakes asked for bloggers to submit RHOA recaps.  I think she was planning to post the 3 or 4 on her page.  I was tagged to the status 3 times (thanks for believing in me, FB Fam), so I figga’d I’d submit something.  Here is my submission:

In the words of that old sage Phaedra Parks, “everybody knows…” or thinks they know me.  I’ve been called a bully…a Ramen noodle head…a Puppetmaster…the Queen of SHADE (a title I proudly own, Honey), and errythang else.  Since errytime I open my mouth, foke wanna talk ova me, accuse me, discount my talent, and talk bad about me, I’m gonna close my mouth for a little while, and let one of my fans speak for me.  Gon’ let them be Puppetmasters and pull the strangs.  My girl Sheila Taylor-Clark out of Dallas is up for the challenge today.

Yes, Nene has passed the blogging baton to me, Sheila Taylor-Clark.  I’m so honored.  I’d like to thank the Academy and all the little people.  And Kandi’s sex toys.  And Claudia’s fold under bob.  I’d also like to get into the last episode of RHOA.  The girls decided to take a trip to the Philippines and immediately, I felt some kinda way.  I had a nanny that was from there and when she went “home” for a six-week vacation, I let her go.  I ain’t realize at the time that she needed them six weeks cuz it takes a week to get there.

I can’t hardly blame Nene for not wanting to go on that trip.  Blood clots notwithstanding, that crew always got some foolishness goin’ on in Atlanta, so why they felt the need to travel 19,000 miles to have mo’ arguments is beyond me.  Once again, Porsha showed up at the airport in a club outfit and heels instead of something comfortable.  She reminded the viewers that the airport is “international”, i.e. fulla African princes traveling from Zamunda so she gotta dress the part to keep pullin’ ‘em and keep them checks comin’ in, and keep that house note paid, and gas and oil in that car.  I’m assuming they gon’ be over in the Philippines for a while since Porsha had bout 18 pieces of them people Louis Vuitton luggage.  Blah, blah, blah…yadda yadda yadda…some random shit happened on the plane that is not worth mentioning..and the crew was there.

Claudia, who wants to be errybody BFF, gave Phaedra the best room of the bunch.  Code for – Now when I try to get all up in yo’ bidness bout Apollo, you need to let me cuz I gave you that suite.  Nothin’ in life is “free”.  Methinks that room woulda been NeNe’s had she gone on the trip.  But she didn’t.  Instead she went to NYC, to get ready for her turn on Broadway in Cinderella as the wicked stepmother.  Well, that role is definitely made for ol’ Laneithia Leakes because she got attitude for days, meanness for months, and them bad period wigs she be wearin’.  Think Thomas Jefferson meets HeatMiser meets the Black Mae West.  Greg was there too, showin’ NeNe her name in lights on the Broadway marquee, and dancin’ a damn jig.  That thang was excited NeNe was gon’ have some mo’ income comin’ in to pay them damn bills they done amassed.  They got a big arse house to pay for.  I was happy for ol’ Greg cuz he damn sure supported and stood by NeNe in TWO marriages as she pursued her dream.  Everythang she got is cuz of that butler.  I mean Greg.

Back in the Phillipines, Kenya was twirling and puttin’ that stage play together; Cynthia was still acting newly shady and worried about what bidness Peter gon’ fail at next; Kandi was thinkin’ bout food and that house she done bought Mama Joyce that still ain’t put a smile on that lady face; Demetria was just there with thoughts of Roger Bobb; and Claudia was ready to turn up and get all in Phaedra’s bidness.  They met up for lunch and Claudia went in for the kill.  Ms. Parks ain’t tell it all though, thankfully, cuz Claudia went right back and told the other girls.  That thang right for that lil radio job she got cuz she shole got a big mouth.  Phae and Kandi finally sat down over pedis to discuss their issues.  Pedis make everythang better.

Later that day, the ladies did yoga, and we were all surprised to find out old freaky arse Kandi ain’t got nobody’s flexibility.  That’s prolly why Todd ain’t hittin’ that thang too often.  Kandi stiff and prolly doin’ it missionary style, left, right, left.  Soon the crew was at dinner, and Claudia had assigned seating.  They compared booties and otherwise struggled for conversation since there was no NeNe.  Claudia did smuggle in some liquor on them folks island so of course, there was an argument. Porsha would not be shushed.  She also thinks the Underground Railroad is real train station.  Cynthia apologized to Phaedra for the Chocolate debacle, and Phaedra agreed to sit down with Kenya one on one (good move) to talk.  Next week, they hug it out, and I’m hoping they brang their arses on back to Atlanta.

It’s too bad Bravo cain’t have cameras in them people’s penitentiary.  I shole wanna see what Apollo doin’ and how he’s farin’.  If he keepin’ his body up with them prison workouts.  If somebody done took his conebread yet.  Or braided his hair down one side.  If he got enough money on his books for commissary.  This episode made me miss him even more.  I guess these trips they take ARE borin’ with NeNe.  Oh well..until the next time the so nasty and so rude Nene Laneithia Leakes lets me blog, “Bye Wigs”!

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark