So Nene Leakes asked for bloggers to submit RHOA recaps.  I think she was planning to post the 3 or 4 on her page.  I was tagged to the status 3 times (thanks for believing in me, FB Fam), so I figga’d I’d submit something.  Here is my submission:

In the words of that old sage Phaedra Parks, “everybody knows…” or thinks they know me.  I’ve been called a bully…a Ramen noodle head…a Puppetmaster…the Queen of SHADE (a title I proudly own, Honey), and errythang else.  Since errytime I open my mouth, foke wanna talk ova me, accuse me, discount my talent, and talk bad about me, I’m gonna close my mouth for a little while, and let one of my fans speak for me.  Gon’ let them be Puppetmasters and pull the strangs.  My girl Sheila Taylor-Clark out of Dallas is up for the challenge today.

Yes, Nene has passed the blogging baton to me, Sheila Taylor-Clark.  I’m so honored.  I’d like to thank the Academy and all the little people.  And Kandi’s sex toys.  And Claudia’s fold under bob.  I’d also like to get into the last episode of RHOA.  The girls decided to take a trip to the Philippines and immediately, I felt some kinda way.  I had a nanny that was from there and when she went “home” for a six-week vacation, I let her go.  I ain’t realize at the time that she needed them six weeks cuz it takes a week to get there.

I can’t hardly blame Nene for not wanting to go on that trip.  Blood clots notwithstanding, that crew always got some foolishness goin’ on in Atlanta, so why they felt the need to travel 19,000 miles to have mo’ arguments is beyond me.  Once again, Porsha showed up at the airport in a club outfit and heels instead of something comfortable.  She reminded the viewers that the airport is “international”, i.e. fulla African princes traveling from Zamunda so she gotta dress the part to keep pullin’ ‘em and keep them checks comin’ in, and keep that house note paid, and gas and oil in that car.  I’m assuming they gon’ be over in the Philippines for a while since Porsha had bout 18 pieces of them people Louis Vuitton luggage.  Blah, blah, blah…yadda yadda yadda…some random shit happened on the plane that is not worth mentioning..and the crew was there.

Claudia, who wants to be errybody BFF, gave Phaedra the best room of the bunch.  Code for – Now when I try to get all up in yo’ bidness bout Apollo, you need to let me cuz I gave you that suite.  Nothin’ in life is “free”.  Methinks that room woulda been NeNe’s had she gone on the trip.  But she didn’t.  Instead she went to NYC, to get ready for her turn on Broadway in Cinderella as the wicked stepmother.  Well, that role is definitely made for ol’ Laneithia Leakes because she got attitude for days, meanness for months, and them bad period wigs she be wearin’.  Think Thomas Jefferson meets HeatMiser meets the Black Mae West.  Greg was there too, showin’ NeNe her name in lights on the Broadway marquee, and dancin’ a damn jig.  That thang was excited NeNe was gon’ have some mo’ income comin’ in to pay them damn bills they done amassed.  They got a big arse house to pay for.  I was happy for ol’ Greg cuz he damn sure supported and stood by NeNe in TWO marriages as she pursued her dream.  Everythang she got is cuz of that butler.  I mean Greg.

Back in the Phillipines, Kenya was twirling and puttin’ that stage play together; Cynthia was still acting newly shady and worried about what bidness Peter gon’ fail at next; Kandi was thinkin’ bout food and that house she done bought Mama Joyce that still ain’t put a smile on that lady face; Demetria was just there with thoughts of Roger Bobb; and Claudia was ready to turn up and get all in Phaedra’s bidness.  They met up for lunch and Claudia went in for the kill.  Ms. Parks ain’t tell it all though, thankfully, cuz Claudia went right back and told the other girls.  That thang right for that lil radio job she got cuz she shole got a big mouth.  Phae and Kandi finally sat down over pedis to discuss their issues.  Pedis make everythang better.

Later that day, the ladies did yoga, and we were all surprised to find out old freaky arse Kandi ain’t got nobody’s flexibility.  That’s prolly why Todd ain’t hittin’ that thang too often.  Kandi stiff and prolly doin’ it missionary style, left, right, left.  Soon the crew was at dinner, and Claudia had assigned seating.  They compared booties and otherwise struggled for conversation since there was no NeNe.  Claudia did smuggle in some liquor on them folks island so of course, there was an argument. Porsha would not be shushed.  She also thinks the Underground Railroad is real train station.  Cynthia apologized to Phaedra for the Chocolate debacle, and Phaedra agreed to sit down with Kenya one on one (good move) to talk.  Next week, they hug it out, and I’m hoping they brang their arses on back to Atlanta.

It’s too bad Bravo cain’t have cameras in them people’s penitentiary.  I shole wanna see what Apollo doin’ and how he’s farin’.  If he keepin’ his body up with them prison workouts.  If somebody done took his conebread yet.  Or braided his hair down one side.  If he got enough money on his books for commissary.  This episode made me miss him even more.  I guess these trips they take ARE borin’ with NeNe.  Oh well..until the next time the so nasty and so rude Nene Laneithia Leakes lets me blog, “Bye Wigs”!

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