Now I Got To Draw My Eyebrows Back On Cuz Empire’s Premiere Done Snatched Them & All My Edges

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Whew Chile…where to begin?  Empire came back like a damn Lyon (get it?) tonight.  Lucious was still in them people’s jail..and Cookie hadn’t visited him, put money on his books OR sent him an email.  I think she changed her number after he called collect.  Anyway…a new prisoner (Frank Gathers) came on Cell Block 5, and Cookie’s cousin (who was in for armed robbery but had kilt Frank’s boy) was all scared and wanting protection.  I just knew somebody big and burly was gon’ step off that bus..but nawl, it was just frail arse Chris Rock.  Suge Knight woulda been better but since he done went blind and such….

Jamal nem put on a #FreeLucious concert and Al Sharpton (lookin’ thinner than a piece of paper) was in attendance.  Andre Leon Talley (Vogue) was also there to give shade (told Cookie her Gucci was last season and dismissed her).  Errybody seemed to be working against Jamal, who is now runnin’ Empire.  Marisa Tomei (yep, the Oscar winner and the only white girl on Different World (first season)) showed up as a rich lesbian who Cookie was wooin’ to help her take over Empire.  Marisa Tomei was feenin’ for some Boo Boo Kitty (litrally and figratively) so Cookie made Anika twerk somethin’ for Marisa.

Cookie nem busted up in Jamal’s board meeting thinkin’ they were takin’ over the comp’ny AGAIN (when is Cookie gon’ leave that man’s comp’ny alone?!) but got double-crossed by Marisa who made a better deal with Lucious.  Cookie told Anika that she shoulda slept with Marisa (I don’t remember her character’s name and too lazy to google it), at which point Anika told her she did.  Cookie told that thane she couldn’t even “dyke” right, and Bay Bay, I hollered!  Anika gave up the Boo Boo Kitty and let that lady dry grind all up on her and still didn’t get nothin’ from the deal.  She STAY losing.  I guess Marisa ain’t think Anika was all that in bed and had a V-8 afterwards.  Of course, Lucious joined the meeting via Skype from prison and called ’em all beetches.

Frank Gathers (Rock) meanwhile was in prison terrorizin’ Cookie’s cousin and tryna find out who dropped a dime on him. Frank had the cousin beat up, and then made him make conebread in his drawls.  The cousin told him that Cookie ordered the hit.  Frank Gathers sent Cookie a lil present which happened to be her cousin’s head in a big arse gift box.  That prison they got Lucious in must be low security as hayle cuz I saw like one guard and they was up in that bee eatin’ folks eyes and lobster dinners, purchasing gift wrapping services, and making videos for The Vine.

Cookie hightailed it down to Lucious to ask for protection from Frank Gathers.  Lucious went to Frank to talk to him…but Frank told him his beef was with Cookie.  That’s when Lucious told him he loves Cookie’s dirty pannies and if he got a beef with Cookie he got one with him (Lucious) too.  Frank stood up and told his minions to kill Lucious and do it quietly.  He ain’t realize that Lucious had recruited his goons with money for they fam’lies. Lucious turned the tables on that fool and told the goons to kill Frank instead..and make it loud.  Bye Frank-icia.

Cookie went to tell errybody (they were gathered at Lucious house) they were safe cuz Lucious had handled thanes from prison.  Jamal told them traitors to get out his house and promptly got slapped twice by Cookie on her way out.  He started cryin’ like a beetch, and the show went off.

All in all, good premiere with errybody and they damn mama in it (Miss Lawrence from RHOA even made an appearance, sangin’ Mighty Real and lookin’ like a fake arse Sylvester).  I just knew POTUS and the Pope were gon’ show up but they didn’t.  Oh well…there’s always next week!

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

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