Empire Recap – Cookie Came To the Family Gathering & Showed Her Natchal…Hindparts

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Tonight, Empire opened with Lucious inviting Cookie to what she thought was a romantic dinner for the two of them.  It turned out to be a family dinner where he announced he had asked Anika aka Boo Boo Kitty to be his wife.  Anika flashed that gorgeous boulder on her finger and said it was the same ring Richard Burton gave to Elizabeth Taylor.  And we saw how that worked out in the end, even though I think Liz married Dick (pun intended) and divorced him more than one time.  Good ol’ Liz Taylor.  That thang had mo’ husbands than a lil bit wearin’ that ol’ White Diamonds, the scent of older people in the 80s.  Is anybody still wearing White Diamonds?  I should take a poll.

Cookie was hot like cayenne pepper behind the announcement.  She thought she was bout to get her some, wearin’ that bad arse sable fur coat and some fancy lingerie with all kinds of garter belts and thigh highs and thongs underneath.  And how do I know that you asked?  Cuz she stood up after the engagement announcement and showed her natchal arse to errybody in that room, and pointed out her natchal arse to Boo Boo Kitty, showin’ Anika what a real arse looks like.  My husband pretended to be a little too interested in the dialogue, lookin’ at Cookie’s booty without blinkin’.  It’s bout to be Valentine’s Day but I swear we will be separated behind him starin’ at Cookie’s arse.  I can’t compete with her up top for obvious reasons, but I can damn sure compete on the bottom.  He betta recognize and get his life for I get it.

Poor Cookie.  I wanted her to get her a lil somethin’.  She been locked up in them people jail for 17 years.  Damn near rot to death.  Knew what it was like to wanna go’ somewhere and couldn’t.  Wanted to sang and had it beat out her.  If Lucious had taken care of business, the white foke neva woulda got her.  Y’all know I love Color Purple references and since it’s Black Hist’ry month, I had to slide that right on in.  I think it’s just a matter of time fo’ Lucious take another bite of the Cookie.

Jamal was still blowin’ up behind that song.  Cookie helped him along by getting a famous football player to Tweet about it from the club.  She also tried to tell his girlfriend, Dora, that he needed to move along because fame changes foke.  And no matta how many stewed chickens he make, Jamal might still leave him after he gets on.  I felt bad for ol’ Dora.  Jamal did an interview and ain’t even claim him.  I wanted him to pack up his backpack like the “real” Dora and find “the map” to get the hayle outta dodge.  You ain’t got to miss claimin’ me but one time befo’ I tear up your apartment and bleach all your clothes and ride out.

Malik Yoba (too lazy to look up the character name..y’all know how I do) found out that Lucious kilt Bunky.  And instead of gettin’ lotion for them ashy arse hands and some lip chap for them chap-ted lips, he found somebody he could pay off to take the fall for Lucious.  It couldn’t be me.  I ain’t gon’ be all up in prison doin’ time and fightin’ to keep my conebread ova some sheeit you done did.  I guess ol’ boy musta been a lifetime criminal with a gang of chile suppote payments like Matthew Knowles cuz he got that story together quick on how he kilt Bunky.  He just wanted to make sure his family would get paid and be straight after he got fitted for that orange jumpsuit.

Hakeem put out another song.  Or was it the same song?  All the sheeit he does sounds the same.  I get tired of his disrespectful arse.  He is soooo mean to Cookie and she gave that thang life.  She really did allow him to get his life in every sense of the word.  When he told his mama he wasn’t talkin’ to her and called her by her first name, I was just waitin’ for her to pull out another broom handle to beat the brakes and the wheels off that Hakeem.  Maybe next week.

Courtney Love was this week’s artist, playing a difficult drugged-out diva.  She was so convincin’, I was thinking it wasn’t an act.  In a scene that I thought would rival the one in HTGAWM (Annalise), Courtney snatched off her lashes, rubbed off her lips and brows, and removed several questionable clip-ins.  I ended up saying “awwwwwww” cuz whereas Annalise’s moment of baring all was triumphant, Courtney’s was just tragic.  Cookie kept the record label from dropping Courtney by agreeing to manage her and bring Courtney back to where she was in her heyday.

Andre was still being Andre.  That lil white woman was still runnin’ him, but didn’t pull out the bib for this show.  Malik Yoba choked Andre out for givin’ his daddy an alibi, and then later apologized:  “I’m sorry for chokin’ you out”.  I SCREAMED.  That was some hilarious sheeit.  I apologize for cuttin’ off yo’ air supply and puttin’ yo’ arse in a figga fo’ bout the neck.  The lil boy who played Puffy from Notorious was in the episode tonight too.  I love that Empire got ERRYBODY working.  I was waitin’ for him to dance around in a circle like Puffy sayin’ “take that…take that…”.

How bout I forgot to talk about Raven Symone’s character and had to come back and edit?  Thanks Karen for the reminder!  This ol’ age is catching up with me.  So at the end, the Lyons family (including Cookie) are all walking out (maybe it’s the end of the work day…maybe they all down in the lobby for a fire drill…that wasn’t really explained) and there’s a lady (can’t see her face yet) asking to see Lucious and Jamal nem and makin’ a scene.  I’ll be damned if it ain’t Raven Symone, and she got a kid with her.  Now I figga’d there was gon’ be some type of Maury paternity you ARE the father type foolishness involvin’ Lucious and possibly a choreographed dance routine after the DNA results are made public.  Cuz we know how he like to get down with the lightskinded younguns.  And I was correct, ‘ceptin’ that the baby is supposably Jamal’s.  Insert clutching my heart like Fred Sanford AND my invisible pearls!  You mean to tell me the same Jamal that likes boy coochie done laid down with this gul and possibly got her pregnant?  You is lyin’ to me!  I can’t wait to see how this ends.  Well, that’s it for tonight’s recap – I’m sleepy!  Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

..empire-cast

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