Scandal Winter Finale Recap – Daddy Pope Done Had Kill Cards Made Up For Erry Damn Body!

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Bay Bay – that Scandal Winter Finale though!  I honestly don’t know where to begin.  In the first 15 minutes of tonight’s show, Shonda Rhimes got my whole life, snatched all my edges and made me her bitch baby.  That damn woman is a genius.  I was bout ready to pay her car note and half her mortgage behind this episode.  Let’s get into it cuz I need to finish this wine I’m sippin’ on.  Whew chile – I am STILL shaking.  This gon’ be kinda long so make sure you got a snack.

The episode opened with Liv still reelin’ from how bad her daddy did her in them people’s restaurant.  Y’all member when they thought they was bout to take command when Daddy Pope had done already told them ‘you don’t take Command…Command takes yo arse’.  They ain’t listen, and Daddy Pope left all kindsa dead guards in his wake.  They were turnin’ over erry rock and stone lookin’ for her daddy, sorta like when child support be tryna find a daddy who ain’t payin’ but multiplied times 10,000.  They even dug up Mama Pope from the hole lookin’ for old Rowan.  And for somebody that had been in the hole for like all the episodes of this season, Mama Pope sho’ was lookin’ good.  Hair all did and teeth all white and lookin’ like she hadn’t missed too many meals.  But y’all know Liv’s mama – she coulda missed a meal or ten and just ate her own damn wrists again.  But I digress.

Mama Pope thought Liv was there to help her and een smugly told Liv to “handle it”.  But instead of Liv doin’ what she always does (tellin’ foke she done handled whatever it was 30 minutes ‘fo they tell her what they need handled), she told Fitz and Jake nem to charge her mama and lock her arse up!  Bay Bay – I hollered!  I guess Liv Mama don’t need to plan on having a mother/daughter spa appointment for Mother’s Day.  But ol’ Livvie ain’t stop there…no.  She told them to find her damn daddy and kill him.  I then wondered to myself if Liv was too old to be considered an orphan cuz she damn sho’ was tryna be one.

Jake from State Farm was back out on the streets tryna find Daddy Pope ‘fo Daddy Pope found him.  Luckily, Jake good about sensin’ when foke tryna kill him (‘member how he noticed that gas leakin’ outta his car two episodes ago – he’s very aware) cuz Daddy Pope had sent yet another B613 flunky to send Jake to them people’s Upper Room.  Jake hit ol’ boy ‘fo ol’ boy could hit him and then found a “kill card” in the would-be assassin’s pocket.  The kill card was the “king” card (think the playing cards for Spades) with Jake’s photo on it.  Now, I had done heard of a kill card befo’ but this was my first time seein’ one.  This would not be my last.  It ain’t take long for Jake to figga out Rowan had a whole damn deck of cards out there with people’s profile pics on them as he was tryna to take out ERRYBODY who had ever been a B613 agent.  You know how people be getting they affairs in order when they know they ain’t got long?  That’s what Daddy Pope was tryna do, ‘ceptin’ his affairs was gon’ be killin’ errybody.

Quinn went looking for Charlie (this was either befo’ or after she took a fanguh off a dead guy’s hand and used it to open up a door she shouldn’t have had access to – just nasty)  to let him know, in the words of that ol’ sage Whoopi Goldberg as Oda Mae Brown in Ghost “Molly…you in danger, Girl”.  That ended with Quinn getting um…er…uh ruh…”tightened up” in the car.  That gul don’t care where she make out – parking garages, backseats of cars, on top of cars, on park benches.  And then had the nerve to head right on back to the office like nothin’ ever happened.  Ain’t even wash up or nothin’.   Later, she would be back at Charlie’s house (at least this time, she was doin’ it in the bed), discovering a damn kill card with her pitcha on it in Charlie’s pocket cuz he had been contracted to kill HER.  That Charlie ain’t nothin’ but a low down SNAKE.  He was gon’ kill her after he had sex with her.  Just low down.  I ain’t tell y’all how they were playin’ “Endless Love” by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross nem in the background, did I?  When I tell you that was the fight scene to end all fight scenes…Bay Bay!  Quinn went up in the air and came down on Charlie with some ‘rise, pause, and fall’ wrestlin’ move.  I hollered and then quietly laid down and died.  Shonda coulda had errythang at my house ova that scene includin’ my child.

Jake actually went to Daddy Pope’s house.  Yes, he went to that man’s house like he was gon’ really be up in there.  When they gon’ stop treatin’ that man like he’s an amateur?  That man killed a TRIBE of foke last week and Jake thought he was gon’ be just sittin’ up in the house watchin’ the stories and sheeit?  Of course, you know where Daddy Pope was.  Yep, sittin’ up in in Liv’s house when she got home from makin’ (buyin’) groceries.  I swear that girl need to buy some new locks or take her damn keys back!  This time, he was cookin’ a roast, drankin’ wine AND all up in her albums.  I mean, y’all know I ain’t neva had no daddy but is this really how they be actin’?  Showin’ up to your house all uninvited and lettin’ themselves in and goin’ in yo’ ‘frigerator and sheeit?

This time, he was tryna be a little bit nicer.  Wanted to reminisce.  Tried to be as sentimental..you know as he could.  Until he got mad cuz she was being ungrateful.  I ain’t know where the conversation was gon’ go but I was thinking ‘this ain’t gon’ end well’.  He had a gun (duh), and he laid it on the table.  And moved away from it while still monologuin’, bout how there would be no her without him, how she’s looking in a mirror when she sees him.  Liv grabbed the gun, and y’all KNOW Daddy Pope wasn’t havin’ this.  He told her to watch herself.  And then Liv pulled that triggah.  Chile, Daddy Pope screamed and hollered like he had caught a bullet to the heart!  Liv said she wanted the kill shot but I thought she was just actin’ and playin’ hard.  And as you guessed it – there were no bullets in the gun.  He set a trap for Liv and she fell right into it, hook, line and sanker.  Can I just say I was really really scared for Liv in that moment?  I likened it to being whupped with a belt or switch by yo’ parent (back in the 70s and 80s cuz I don’t think you can do that no mo’) and reachin’ up and grabbin’ the belt just outta reflex.  By accident.  In that split second, you cain’t let go but you scared to hold on.  Either way, you know that’s yo’ arse.  So yeah, that was pretty much Liv’s arse.  Surprisingly, her daddy ain’t kill her though it is clear she done chose them “boys” as he calls Fitz and Jake nem over him.  He left, but of course, ain’t leave no forwardin’ address.  And you already know he strutted out, but no ‘fo tellin’ her ‘you gon’ miss me when I’m gone’.  I sho’ wish somebody had cued Bobby Womack’s song “If You Think You Lonely Now….” at that very moment.

The compromisin’ photos and Instagrams of Cyrus and his THOT were made public and caused a Scandal all up and through Fitz nem White House.  Bay Bay…the press had a field day with Cy and that prostitute.  Yes, they found out ol’ boy was hoe….Whew Chile.  Cy resigned in one of the saddest scenes ever.  That man deserves a damn Emmy nomination for talmbout how he had been livin’ in them people’s closet.  Or at least a Hoody.  Fitz ain’t wanna accept the resignation but Cy made him.  Liv was tryna get Cy to agree to marry that THOT (her way of handlin’ it) but Cy ain’t wanna tarnish James’ legacy like that.  Nor did he want to bring that THOT home to Ella.  You know whenever a James dies (Scandal, Good Times), the widowed spouse don’t neva wanna get remarried right away anyway.

Later, Liv went back to talk to her mama again.  By this time, her mama was back to being the mean mama and pretty much told Liv to cry her a damn river.  Bay Bay – I hollered!  I be wonderin’ if Mama Pope REALLY gave birth to Liv.  I already know Daddy Pope prolly ain’t her real daddy.  Liv got the worst parents in the whole wide world.  Ever.  That motherly (not) pep talk is just what Liv needed cuz she went and found Cy and reminded him that he could not quit…and asked him if he was a bitch baby.  I. Died.  I decided that bitch baby is like 10 times worse than bitch arse.  And I hollered and died again.  There were so many good one-liners tonight.  Shonda Rhimes and the writers gave me my life over and over and when I thought I had stopped getting it..somebody else would say something and the cycle of my life-getting would start all over again.  Cy went back to the White House and resumed his ol’ position.  And, proving that 2014 is REALLY the year of the THOT, Cy got engaged to that prostitute and went public with it, and side chics and THOTs ERRYWHERE stood up and cheered!  No, like really. I heard lots of cheering in the background.  I think it was THOTs.

Liv told Fitz that the Vice President must ain’t got sheeit to do cuz he carryin’ on an affair with the head of the Republican National Committee (Portia Rossi – y’all know I still don’t know her character’s name and too tired to look).  Mellie overheard it and flashed back to when she was dry grindin’ with the Veep.  And then, Portia De Rossi (who had just read and dressed down Liv for lyin’ bout a fake arse virus tappin’ her phone when it was actually a fake arse CYRUS (catch that play on words), tellin’ her there is a special place in hayle for women that don’t support other women) came face to face with (no-longer-smelly with fried chicken in her belly) Mellie.  Mellie told her not to get it twisted…that sharing the same man (that ol’ nasty for no good reason Veep) didn’t mean they were friends…just that they were at risk for the same STDs.  That damn Mellie know her arse can deliver a good arse line!  I damn near wanted to sign my life over to Shonda Rhimes behind that one.

This is runnin’ long but Scandal was just sooooo good.  The finale ended in two parts – The Veep went in to see the President (that thang got some nerve after he done ran up in Fitz’ woman and double dealin’ behind Fitz back) and Jake showed up at Olivia’s.  The Veep was talkin’ crazy to Fitz and I just knew he was bout to get that eye dotted again and then the camera cut to Olivia’s apartment again where I just noticed a big arse piano for the first time in four seasons.  I swear people and big arse pianos just be showin’ up in her apartment all willy-nilly.  I ain’t neva noticed nothin’ in the front room of her high-rise other than that raggely arse couch where she drank her wine.  She wanted to dance with Jake so they started dancing (Jake ain’t got to worry bout winnin’ no Dancin’ With The Stars competitions) and then she told him she wanted Fitz in Vermont…and him (Jake) in the sun.  I was like damn did that nasty arse Liv just ask for a threesome?  She told him she was choosing herself…and I guess that was fine with Jake cuz he went to get some cover for them to put on that unexplained piano so they could dry grind.  When he got back, Liv was gone and her wine had been spilled on the couch.  Yep..she had been snatched up!

The scene cut back to the Veep who pretty much told Fitz ‘I got ya girl…..now what you gon’ do bout it, Beetch?’.  Whew Chile!  I don’t know how I’m s’pose to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas!  Lawd what is we gon’ do????  All I know is somewhere Liv’s daddy was watchin’ it all unfold, drankin’ wine, eatin’ a steak and sayin’ “I tried to tell  her…..” Shonda Rhimes – you is a GENIUS!  I was s’pose to blog about HTGAWM in here but done ran out of room and time.  Till next year, Gladiators!!!!!!

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

KERRY WASHINGTON, DARBY STANCHFIELD, GUILLERMO DIAZ, COLUMBUS SHORT

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