A Facebook friend tagged me to #24 on a list of things Bougie Black People love. The item in question was Bottomless Mimosas. I didn’t know whether to feel insulted (was he calling me bougie?) or flattered (In the words of that ol’ sage attorney, authoress, Southern Belle and soon-to-be ex-wife of a convict, Phaedra Parks, “Everybody knows…” I loves me a good brunch with a bottomless mimosa option. Somethin’ bout that champagne and orange juice just gives brunch a certain air of sophistication as one partakes in the requisite omelet and waffle stations. I read a couple more of the items, and thought, before I read through the remainder of the list, I would do a twist on it by sharing stuff bougie black women hate. Of course, being non-bougie myself, I had to consult my bougie friends.
Now, befo’ I go into my list, I will define “bougie” just in case somebody who is not familiar with the language of Ebonics and “urbanspeak” and such reads this blog. Bougie is a shortened version of the word bourgeoisie. I consulted the People’s Encyclopedia and knower of all thangs, WikiPedia, which defines “bougie” as a word used to refer to those seen as being of an upper class. The Urban Dictionary defines it as “anything that is perceived as “upscale” from a blue-collar point of view.” Used in a sentence, one could say “I really wanted to try one of those new McDonald’s premium salads for lunch, but my ol’ bougie arse friend refuses to eat at any restaurant that doesn’t have real tablecloths.”
In no particular order, here’s a list of 10 things Bougie Black Women absolutely hate. (Remember I polled 100 of my bougie black friends to compile it, so it is by no means true for all Bougie Black Women (BBW)..oh yeah, BBWs love disclaimers!)
- Non-designer jeans, bags, shoes – hayle pretty much anything without a designer label. 99 out of 100 BBWs got SOMETHING designer in their closets,( e.g. Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Louboutin) and ain’t shamed of it. Even if they ain’t got but one credit card and a folded up fi’ dollar bill in that designer purse, best believe, they got one. Even if the Louis Vuitton strap is damn near black from wear, tear and all kinds of depreciation, they still gon’ have it on they shoulders. Oh and REAL designer stuff…fakes need not apply!
- Speaking of Louboutins, BBWs DESPISE the name “Red Bottoms”. Nothin’ makes a BBW madder than seeing her belove-ded iconic expensive red-soleded shoes (designed by Monsieur Christian Loubotin himself) referred to as “red bottoms”. Every good and proper BBW worth her credit sco’ got at least ONE pair. Now, they may not WEAR them often because they usually concerned about messin’ up the red sole. Yeah, on a shoe. But several times a year, they will take the shoes out, admire them, post pics on social media of them, or maybe wear them, making sure the soles can be seen. Or that they refer to them in some way like #louboutin.
- Hood Rats and Skanks – BBW do not associate with hood rats, known and unknown. BBW don’t want anybody to see them together and get the wrong idea, that they too might be a hoodrat or skank. The Urban Dictionary defines a hoodrat as “a female who exhibits a trashy or triflin demeanor or behavior”. So if you wearing colored contacts, got several tattoos of your baby daddies’ names, dressed in skanky clothes and doin’ skanky sheeit, you can best believe a BBW will NOT befriend you.
- Randoms – In tha same vein, BBW hate “randoms”. “Randoms” are women that nobody important knows. They hang around, looking and acting thirsty by wanting to be a part of an established group. A BBW will be quick to tell said random ‘no you can’t sit with us’ or ‘you ain’t in the circle’ verbally or the BBW will wear shirts and/or throw side eyes and shade to convey the same message to said random non-verbally.
- Non-Degreed Foke – BBW hate foke that don’t have degrees. They will ask you ‘what school did you go to?’ as part of a casual, light and breezy conversation when they are getting to know you. If you respond with “such and such high school”, they will suddenly excuse themselves. One degree is a REQUIREMENT but for best results, be sure to have at least two and/or a certification of some sort. The mo’ letters behind yo’ name, the betta.
- Ranch Style Houses – BBW love havin’ an upstairs and downstairs in they houses. And it doesn’t matter if they the only ones livin’ there. They also love square footage and being able say “whew chile, I don’t feel like going downstairs to do blah, blah, blah” when they are talkin’ to their bougie friends on their Iphone 6.
- Non-Luxury Cars – BBW love having, driving and being chauffeured in luxury cars. You wanna turn off a BBW quick? Show up to her two-story house in anything made by Ford or Kia when picking her up for a date.
- Non-Gladiators – BBW love them some Scandal, Honey. Matta fact, on any given Thursday, they can be found sitting in their well-appointed livin’ rooms or dens starin’ all up and through their big screen televisions watchin’ Fitz, Liv and Mellie nem. You would think they work at Olivia Pope and Associates with all the tweetin’ and Facebookin’ they be doin’ bout that show. GOD forbid the weatherman or somebody needs to break into the show with an update bout a tornado or other natural disaster. The BBW will crucify said newsman on social media.
- Basic Buffets – BBW don’t do basic buffets like Golden Corral and Luby’s. Hell, they don’t really do ANYTHING basic, but back to the buffet-style restaurant. They “may” go into Picadilly’s from time to time but are usually getting it to go. Note that this comment does not apply to champagne brunch buffets at upscale restaurants and hotels. The BBW is apparently fine with those.
- People Who Don’t Work Out or Juice – BBW love them some fitness challenges, upscale gyms, planking, and such. They also love juicing with greens (mostly kale and spinach), almond or coconut milk, wheatgrass, chia and flaxseeds. If you don’t work out or juice (in either a Vitamix, Ninja or Nutribullet), they have no real use for you. You may as well be dead to them.
Bougie Black Women also don’t do lunch meats (like bologna or Spam), pork, Wal-mart (unless they HAVE to go there for something), U.S. vacations (unless it’s South Beach, Vegas, LA, NYC or a Black Ski Weekend in Colorado), kitten heels (unless they got a catastrophic knee or foot injury), regular breakfast (has to be called brunch even if it IS a regular breakfast), outlet shopping (unless it’s high end stores) or White Zinfandel. But despite this particular blog subject, I love all my bougie black friends and wouldn’t take nothin’ for ‘em. I’m glad they love me in spite of my sophisti-ratchetness, which is obviously a word that a Bougie Black Woman came up with to feel good about herself even though she loves watching Love and Hip Hop and participatin’ in ratchetness from time to time….
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