My hands are shaking after the last fi’teen minutes of Scandal.  I feel like I need a cigarette, and I don’t even smoke!  But fo’ I get into why Shonda Rhimes done gave me a serious case of the shakes on this Halloween Eve, let me recap this burstin’ with juiciness episode.  I had to find somebody to fan me for the opening scene.  Liv was in a threesome with Jake and Fitz and I’m talmbout I had to cover my own eyes durin’ parts of it.  I woulda taken a cold shower, but I ain’t wanna miss Scandal.  Of course, she woke up from her dream cuz her damn daddy showed up.  Now, I on’t know bout y’all, but I ain’t neva had my damn daddy show up in a sex dream.  And maybe part of the reason for that is I ain’t neva had no daddy.  But still, if’n I had one, I would think it would be weird for him to show up while I’m all up in a dream lettin’ my freak flag fly.

The case this episode was the death of a past president and a past attempt on his life by a would-be assassin.  Enter his wife and the former first lady.  It was clear the past president was supposed to be Ronald Reagan because of all the parallels – attempted assassination, gunshot wound to the head while he was outside, stroke, etc. – but the wife was anything but a fake arse Nancy Reagan.  That thang cussed like a sailor, smoked and drank dirty martinis and gave Mellie a lesson on being a true first lady – she actually did all the stuff her husband received the credit for cuz her husband (the former President) was busy bangin’ the homely secretary, the plus-size chef, the maid, the personal shopper, the babysitter, and errybody else.  She actually told Mellie she would take care of the plannin’ of her husband’s State fun’ral and Mellie could go off and vaccinate fat kids or whatever else she did.  I. died.  Plus, she looked like Sophia from the Golden Girls.

Abby finally said she ain’t give an eff bout that good gubment job and asked Fitz point blank what he had done with Liv’s “other” boyfriend.  I be hollerin’ at how they all basically be callin’ Liv a common THOT.  Daddy Pope showed up right after, drankin’ that Yak with the President.  Talk about awkward for me.  Remember Fitz fired him from Command last season and then sat Daddy Pope in a chair in an ol’ nasty wifebeater in an ol’ stank garage.  He told Daddy Pope how he had been treatin’ Liv like all kindsa Thots.  But apparently, all that was forgotten as they drank and talked to each other like long-lost Besties.  Daddy Pope again played Fitz…tellin’ him not to break regarding Jake from State Farm and remindin’ him that Jake should be handled.  He also begged Fitz to let him (Daddy Pope) have Jake so he could put down his own dog.

Fitz finally relented for the woman he loves and let Liv see Jake after he showed her a kill file with all the “evidence” against Jake that Daddy Pope put together.  And that’s when the tears came, Honey.  I’m talmbout when she walked in to them foke’s prison and they put the light on Jake’s face and I saw how he had been beat up, Lawd Jesus be some ointment and some band-aids!  All I could do was moan like Big Mama at church on a First Sunday!  I’m talmbout Jake’s face had been beat so bad, I was waiting on him to say “I know what it like, wanna go somewhere and cain’t.  Wanna sang, and have it beat outcha”.  He looked like a skinnier version of Miss Sophia from The Color Purple when she told that white lady “Hell. Naw.” and got laid out in them streets with her skirt up over her head. And then, Jake pretty much said goodbye to Liv.  He didn’t let her say anything..and it was one of the saddest scenes this season.  He gave her the password to his secret bank account and told her to tell his mama bye.  I remember thinking, ‘damn, Jake ain’t gon’ get a last meal or nothing?’ cuz it seemed like a plate of that fried chicken Mellie was eating two episodes ago woulda made him feel better.  Must be hayle to be executed on an empty stomach.

And then, we found out shortly after that Fitz honored Daddy Pope’s wishes because Daddy Pope was up in them people’s holding cell talking in hushed tones to Jake, delivering one of the BEST monologues in the his’try of Scandal.  He basically told Jake he could never “take” Command cuz Command takes HIM, but not before telling Jake how he had played the President.  He told Jake, and I quote, that he had been the President’s homie, lover, friend, bestie, woman, beetch, wetnurse, ho, and THOT in getting him to trust him so he could take out Jake.  He used some other descriptive terms I don’t remember cuz y’all know he be talkin’ for 5 minutes without taking a breath.  And I done had chemo and don’t be remembering nothin’.  At that moment, I was really hoping that somehow the room was tapped and he had been taped, but no dice.  In my best Celie voice, I noted ‘Jake be dead soon’.

Olivia, obviously caught up in her own Thotty By Nature behavior with a man AND a boyfriend let the would-be assassin play her to get what he wanted, but ended up getting what she wanted from Fitz – she asked him to transfer Jake to a real prison and NOT to let her daddy kill him.  And if he did that, there was a chance they could be together.  You know Fitz be weak in the knees for Liv (she must have some GOOOOOOOOD stuff), and even more so since he ain’t been able to get none from Smelly Mellie either, so he did what she asked.  He had Jake moved to lock-up and didn’t let Daddy Pope waterboard him and leave him fuh dead in somebody’s desert like Harrison.

Liv appeared to have that same dream where she was swimmin’ and doin’ both Jake and Fitz…but this time when her daddy showed up at the pool, she checked the shoes and realized it wasn’t a dream.  Daddy Pope was actually standin’ there, in the words of Lawrence Fishburne as Ike Turner from that movie “big and bold as sheeit”.  He wanted to know what she did and for a minute, I thought he was gon’ try to drown her.  Y’all know don’t nobody cross Command.  And that’s when Liv throat-chopped ol’ Rowan.  She told him that he may be Command, but she got tools too, that he would NEVER have access to!  And then she went back to doin’ the breaststroke like that thang wasn’t still standing there.  If I hadda been there, I woulda high-fived Olivia and said “yassssss beetch yasssssss”!  Of course, after her Daddy left.  Sheeit..ain’t no sense in me gettin’ thrown in the hole.  She said THAT!  I told y’all Liv got some good stuff.  She must have that thang on a strang, Honey!  Til next time, Gladiators……

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