Scandal Recap – Jake From State Farm is Getting Hitched

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Chile.  I don’t even know where to begin.  I used to think Liv had that thane, but it done obviously wore off of Jake and Fitz cuz they both done moved on like Liv neva happened.  Well Jake is still half in cuz he be droppin’ by doin’ drivebys.  But Fitz done moved on in an ol’ nasty way.  That thane was gettin’ it in with ERRYBODY.  I’m talmbout I lost count of the drawls he got on tonight’s show.  He was pickin’ ’em out at events, rallies, fairs, church functions, baptisms, bar mitzvahs and errywhere else.  And Abby and the head of Secret Service were relegated to movin’ them groupies in and outta that White House expeditiously, with disclosure agreements, toothbrushes and a change of pannies.

David Rosen still gettin’ Lizzie and the VP’s drawls.  And Cyrus still gon’ grow him a President. Oh, we finally saw his ol’ hoe arse husband tonight.  Sittin’ in bed and braidin’ a Black doll’s hair talmbout he practicin’ for when he braids Ella’s hair.  Who we ain’t seen since James fun’ral.  Not JJ nem daddy but Cy first husband.

Mellie brought Teddy to visit, and I held my breath when Teddy went runnin’ and skippin’ up to his Daddy’s doe.  I was so glad Fitz wasn’t nekkid…but truth was, he had just gotten dress and his lady friend came outta the bathroom dressed in a towel and smellin’ like sex with Monica Lewinsky type stains on her chest.  Chile.  Mellie made Fitz put Teddy down but not before Fitz kissed him.  That made me mad.  Fitz out here doin’ whoever and then wanna put his lips on somebody’s chile.  Mellie hugged Fitz tight and whispered in his ear that he needs to keep his hoes away from her child and took Teddy right on back to the house.

Meanwhile, the Secret Service runnin’ amuck and havin’ wild parties like they say Kwame Kilpatrick used to have at that mansion in Detroit.  Remember how Strawberry, that stripper, ended up dead behind one of Kwame’s parties.  Well tonight, a prostitute ended up dead behind that Secret Service party.  Her friend (real name Erin…fake name “Fantasia”….?) ain’t wanna snitch at first, and agreed with the Secret Service story about ol’ girl shootin’ herself up with them people’s Heron and dying of an overdose.  Quinn nem was on the scene to clean it all up like they usually do – make the sheeit go away.  But now Marcus is workin’ with them, and even though he ain’t cashed an OPA payroll check yet, he didn’t want to just make the problem go away.  He investigated and found out ol’ girl didn’t die of the self-induced overdose like they all thought.  They took it to Liv who took it to Fitz.  Fitz did the right thing with the info after Liv tried to tell him this happened on his watch while he was dry grindin’ with errybody and he told her she don’t get to be in his business like that.  And then Liv read his arse for filth – told that thane “The fish rots from the head” and did he really wanna be that person round here screwin’ errythane with a hole.  That sheeit was so profound I wrote it down so I can reference it later.

Liv still sprung off Jake from State Farm so she was followin’ his arse around town errywhere…even doing a sting from her car while he was kee keein’ and drankin’ it up with his new woman.  Jake came to her house in the middle of the night while she was sleeping (they still pickin’ her ol’ flimsy arse locks) and called her on that sheeit.  She tried to jump bad and come out her mouth real slick, and Jake put that fangah on her.  Bay Bay..he laid Liv arse BACK, you hear me?  And I was over here smilin’ and chain smokin’ fake cigarettes.  Jake is a BAAAAADDDD man.  Liv started speaking in tongues.

Liv went to her daddy’s house to drank wine and eat steak, but he had company and really ain’t want to let her in.  I just knew he had Mama Pope up in that house doin’ all kindsa ungodly thanes but alas…it was just Jake.  AND HIS NEW FIANCEE’.  She invited Liv to stay and toast her and Jake’s upcomin’ nuptials.  Bay Bay Liv almost choked on that Cabernet. I see Liv bustin’ up that weddin’ like Vesta Williams in that Congratulations video.  Poor Liv.  She need to get back to doin’ Kegels cuz she done lost a step.  Or 7.

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark for funny Tweets about Scandal.

jake and liv

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