Lawd…I been dreading doin’ this recap.  Lucious and Empire nem pretty much abducted me at 6:59 and held my black arse hostage for the next 60 minutes.  I am flying to Chicago tomorrow – I couldn’t even pack my bags behind Cookie nem.  And I am flying American.  I ain’t got no private jet like Hakeem.  But this ain’t about me and my coach-flyin’ problems.  This is about that Empire Finale y’all.

Since the finale was two hours, there is NO WAY I can invest the amount of time I would need to invest to properly recap.  So I will just choose what I thought were the top 10 scenes from tonight’s episode.  I will start with 10 cuz that’s how David Letterman does it.  I used to love me some David Letterman when I was in high school, but I digress.

Number 10 – The Be On Empire promotion – I gotta give it to them folks at Empire.  They are good at marketing and creating buzz.  Cuz at the end they told foke to tweet something using the Be On Empire hashtag for a chance at a walk-on role, knowin’ good and well they got over 15 million viewers and errybody and they mama would slap they mama (and worry bout the consequences later) to be on Empire.  And yes, I tweeted.  I had to as research for this blog.

Number 9 – Patti Labelle – you know good and damn well I wasn’t gon’ have a top ten list about tonight’s episode without Patti.  If she’da kicked her shoes off and rolled on the floor OR waved her arms like a bird, I would have rated her higher.  Miss Patti if you readin’ this, I voted for you last night on Dancin’ With The Stars.  You did that waltz, Honey!

Number 8 (tie) –  Jamal Holding Baretti Over the Balcony/Hakeem Getting His Molars Knocked Out Like Angie Stone’s Daughter – I think this is how Suge Knight used to get down with Death Row back in the day.  Said he held Dr. Dre ova them people’s balcony and got half his company and a right smart of his earlier records.  You know, ‘fo Suge started drivin’ blind and runnin’ ova foke.

I’m so tired of Hakeem getting beat up. I know why he was pumpin’ iron cuz first his mama beat his arse with a  broom handle..and then his brothers bristled up at him and tonight his daddy knocked the taste, slob, saliva, wisdom teeth out that boy’s mouth.  He don’t neva fight back either.  He needs to take lessons from J Lo’s trainer from that Enough Movie and invest in brass knuckles and peppa spray.

Number 7 – Cookie and Malcolm Bumpin’ and Grindin’ – Yes, Chile, they finally consummated the relationship.  Or maybe they ain’t in a relationship – just havin’ relations.  I know one thang.  He wouldna had to ask me twice to go with him to DC.  I’da took the MegaBus and paid my own fare and met him there.  Sheeit…Cookie shoulda made that road trip.  She been in them people’s prison for 17 years…she needed to see them monuments, and the White House and Barack nem.  Of course, Lucious found out (that ol’ fake azz Fantasia lookin’ assistant told) and removed Cookie from the comp’ny.  I don’t know why he was jealous somebody else got his Cookie crumbs with all the dirt he been doin’.

Number 6 – Boo Boo Kitty and Hakeem’s Sex Scene – Hakeem had already warned Lucious in a rap that he was gon’ take his beetch.  And the next time we saw Hakeem..well, we actually saw his back….he had Boo Boo Kitty up against a wall behind a beaded curtain, wearin’ that thang OUT.  You woulda thought they woulda stopped when Lucious discovered him, but nope…they actually started pumpin’ and grindin’ harder.  Lucious was good and played it cool.  It couldna been me cuz I’da turned ova some tables, disturbed a whole lotta pearls, and went to punchin’ holes all up and through Baretti’s house.

Number 5 – Jamal Battling That Homophobic Rapper – The rapper started the war by comin’ on Jamal’s job and clownin’ him for being gay, but Jamal won the battle by lullabyin’ ol’ dude to sleep.  He first stunned the dude by sangin’ bout the Lord and left ol’ boy lookin’ like how foke used to look on Apollo when they was real ready to boo a person and that person started sangin’ a church song.  And then when old boy’s mouth was still hangin’ open, he hit him with a pause..and  a softly sang “beetch”.  Bay Bay…I SCREAMED and got my whole life from birth to middle age.

Number 4 – The Cookie and Boo Boo Kitty Fight – Honey…I am gon’ have to watch this fight again tomorrow.  Hakeem and Andre wanted to get them together so they could do a hostile takeover of Empire since Lucious done made Jamal the successor.  Cookie wasn’t feelin’ it and threw a drink in Anika’s face.  She thought that was the end of it until Anika grabbed a head fulla her wig from behind and went to punchin’.  Y’all know Cookie been to prison so she shook them gut punches off and started boxin’ Anika all bout the head and ears.  Yes, she got ol’ debutante all the way together.  Even snatched off her pearls and told her to run ‘em.  It finally ended on the pool table.  And afterwards, nobody had a scratch, cut lip, black eye – nothin’.  That’s why I feel like I need to call the fight as “even”.  But I WAS drankin’.

Number 3 – The Vernon and Andre Fight – Bay Bay…now THAT was a damn fight!  Tables were broken…eyes were dotted and blacked…I think I even saw Vernon kick ol’ Andre in the damn knees.  He was beatin’ the brakes, tires, pads, lug nuts and errythang else off Andre, until that lil white girl showed up and hit him (Vernon) in the head.  Of course, she accidentally killed him.  Po’ Malik Yoba. He don’t neva get no respect.  Just got out of rehab and prolly ain’t even have a decent meal yet, and gone on to glory.  They don’t neva let him die with dignity.  Y’all remember Janet Jackson made him run out in front of that semi in that Tyler Perry movie.  Well at least he gets to show up in flashbacks and sit on the edge of Lucious’ bed with Bunky.  That thang show bled out quick too after he got hit.  He musta been a hemophiliac.

Number 2 – Lucious Confession and Cookie’s Attempted Murder – Now Cookie JUST got out of the pen, and was ready to commit another felony.  She came to see Lucious and he was under the influence of them people’s drugs.  I was trying to figga out why the drugs were so powerful, seeing as he had just found out he ain’t have ALS.  I sorta knew that, cuz his hands weren’t tremblin’ when he was snatchin’ the clothes off Cookie.  Anyway, he was ramblin’ in a half awake, half sleep kinda way and talkin’ to Bunky who was sitting on his bed (he was hallucinating).  He confessed to not having ALS, confessed to killing Bunky, confessed that he would kill anybody who got in his way.  Y’all know Bunky is Cookie’s cousin (real cousin, not play cousin) so she wasn’t havin’ that and was ready to avenge his murder.  She was all ready to smother Lucious with a pillow when he grabbed her hand.  I have seen enough Lifetime movies to know that you can only kill somebody via smotherin’ when they in a hospital and unconscious.  She shoulda just shot his arse.  I’m starting to think she ain’t learnt nothin’ from prison.  She must not have been in gen pop.  She shoulda been able to fashion a shank and taken care of him quietly.  This really cost Cookie her comp’ny cuz Jamal started cryin’ and took her name off the billboard promotin’ the concert.

Number 1 – Lucious Being Arrested – Yes, Honey…they finally got ol’ Lucifer. I mean Lucious for the murder of Bunky.  Why do I wish they would call Bunky by his real name?  I don’t even know what his real name is like I ain’t know Lucious’ real name was Dwight Walker.  Lucious wouldna created no Empire under that moniker.  Vernon is the star witness and Five O cain’t find him (see 2 above). He ain’t gon’ neva come down to the station nor take the stand.  Of course, Lucious thinks Cookie is behind it but this time, she’s not.  Lucious goin’ to jail was the REAL cliffhanger even though I felt like we got 5 or 6 tonight.

All in all, great finale, even though it got kinda tirin’.  Miss Debbie Allen directed the hayle outta tonight’s episode.  I am definitely here for Season 2, Chile.  I hope the show ain’t on hiatus for long.  Can’t wait for Lucious to get out them people’s jail, because I know it’s gon’ be trouble…trouble (in my Bernie Mack voice).  Hayle, he might even call Monique to come and take care of Cookie.  Y’all know she still waitin’ by the phone, supposably.

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