Beyonce Blu Ivy-Gate – Lawd I Done Fell DEAD to the Baby Bed!

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So ‘memba when I had posted in my very first blog bout talmbout Bey and Jay and Tina and Matthew nem?  Well I musta been clairvoyant like Miss Cleo who rose to fame as a psychic from Jamaica in the late 90s.  Come to find out that thang was just an ol’ regular hustler from Jamaica Queens.  Or course, she went the way of most things that were ill-thought out in the 90s (see Blue Blockers, the cassette tape, Jordaches, and the sangin’ group Jade).  But I digress. 

It is with a very heavy heart that I gotta talk about this story, cuz y’all know I am a pop culturologist.  I always KNEW I was gon’ have to talk about the first family of pop but I aint’ know it was gon’ be this soon.  Anyway, there is this crazy woman goin’ round sayin’ that she is Blu Ivy’s surrogate mother.  Now, I was ready to sorta believe ol’ girl because I remember a video of Beyonce gettin’ up from a seated position and her stomach sorta went flat like a pancake.  Now I been pregnant befo’..and my stomach was way too big and hard to flatten out, but she do be doin’ Pilates and Zumba and such so it could happen, right?

Anyway, in this case, I will not even NAME said random who is coming with this story.  You see, she done put the same larceny on the names of Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson and Kim Kardashian.  And we all KNOW Kim Kardashian blew up like somebody put a bicycle pump in that mouth when she was pregnant.  Feet all swole and whatnots.  So I have deemed this random “a lie” and must conclude that she must be dehydrated, cuz she is acting real THIRSTY.  I hate randoms but I despise, yes despise, a THIRSTY random.  I need to put on my white gloves and the shoes with the comfortable, silent soles and usher this broad to the nearest seat.  Oh, y’all ain’t know I was an usher huh?  Yep….I be welcoming foke to church and whatnot cuz I’m multi-faceted like that. 

I just don’t find this random credible based on her history of lyin’ bout maternity.  She couldna carried Blu Ivy for 9  months and allow that baby to go round with her hair all dry.  She woulda at least had a connection to call over there and ask Bey or Solange to grease that baby scalp or rub some shea butter in it.  I’m callin’ flag on the play for this foolishness….  What y’all think?  Comment below…

Follow me on Twitter @staylorclark

4 thoughts on “Beyonce Blu Ivy-Gate – Lawd I Done Fell DEAD to the Baby Bed!

  1. CLF

    HAAAAAAAAA. so you know you be crackin’ me up, right?? “White gloves and the shoes with the comfortable silent soles”!!!!! I laughed so hard in had tears….”thirsty random” anyway, I’m stealing that phrase….cousin’s privilege, right? I promise to pay respect to its creator…..

    Like

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