Bay Bay – Shonda did that tonight on Scandal!  I am still shaking and those last few scenes left me silent like a night at Christmastime.  I don’t know whether to smoke a cigarette or pour me a dirty martini (shaken, not stirred) cuz red wine and popcone ain’t gon’ do it.  I know I need to calm down.  I prolly shoulda done that before I started bloggin’ bout it.  I usually try to add in somethin’ on How To Get Away With Murder, but since that show leaves me more confused by the second, I figga’d I’d roll without it this week.  There was so much juiciness in Scandal tonight, it gave me life more abundantly!  Where to begin, Gladiators, where to begin…

The episode started off with a trap being set for Jake in the form of a car that had the gas line cut.  Since Jake is a trained killer who had a big arse knife blade twixt his fangers last episode, courtesy of Hayle and High Water, he noticed the leak under the car (I prolly woulda got in cuz my ol’ car be constantly leaking oil, antifreeze, windshield wiper fluid, etc. so it wouldna been nothin’ out of the ordinary for me), walked away and then hit the “boop boop” on his alarm, blowin’ it up.  Made me think about The Color Purple.  Like Jake was pretty much puttin’ up two crooked fangers like Miss Celie and pointin’ em back at Command while sayin’ “that jail you planned fuh me is the one you gon’ rot in…” but I digress.

Jake realized he was running out of time and roughed up Rosen like he does every episode (Jake treats him like his beetch ever since he splattered blood all over Rosen’s face while gunnin’ down Cyrus’ baby mama) to get the B6-13 files.  I started to wish Jake had just stayed on that island standin’ in the sun, cuz I knew he was a dead man walkin’.  I started speaking in slave-like hushed tones:  “Liv, gon’ let Fitz blow yo’ back out.  Jake be dead soon”.

Then, they showed Cyrus laid up with that random jump-off he been beddin’.  I wasn’t prepared for them two hard legs baskin’ in the afterglow but luckily, Cy got a call and had to leave.

The 1^st daughter made a sex tape and became a full-fledged THOT.  And not just any sex tape.  She got it in with two dudes with a move called “The Eiffel Tower”.  One of my summa cum laude friends looked it up and posted the link to the definition from The Urban Dictionary.  Lawd, I hate I ever read that definition and got the visual!  The parents of one of the boys she dry grinded with tried to blackmail the President, threatenin’ to go to TMZ and Harvey nem if they ain’t get $2.5 million.  Liv was back in the White House to save the day which made Liv 1.0 (also known as Liv “lite” also known as Abby or “Red”) mad.  Liv and Fitz almost ran amuck again in them people’s Oval Office, but alas, they ain’t have the right soundtrack for the dirty deed, so they stopped.  Fitz found out she not only left town when he needed her most (he almost died for goodness sake!) but left with Jake, his nemesis.  Liv saved the day with respect to the 1^st daughter’s hoeish ways, but sadly, could not save Jake.

Tom, the Secret Service agent that kilt Fitz’s son, had been threatened by Hayle and High Water (Daddy Pope) because he wanted Tom to kill Jake.  Jake tried to make a deal, but Tom wasn’t havin’ it cuz he realized the last time Jake was in charge (for like 6 minutes), all the lights, water and gas got cut off to B6-13.  He know Jake ain’t have no real power.  So he ended up throwin’ Jake under the bus and framing him.  Hayle or High Water wins again and Jake and Tom were both led out in handcuffs.  That damn Rowan Pope is a BAAAADDDDD man.  If he hadda been HALF this bad back when Whitley left him at the altar on a Different World, Dwayne Wayne woulda been scared to bust up in that weddin’ and steal his fiancee’ right out from under him.  Daddy Pope strutted out to some theme music  and headed to The Outback for a steak and a baked potato.  Doin’ dirt do be making you hungry so I feel him.

I can’t wait to see what happens next week.  Methinks Jake is headed for The Upper Room.  Sadly, even less people will probably attend his funeral than attended Harrison’s……

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