I’m headed to my college homecoming (HC) in another month, and I am super excited.  I went to an HBCU (Historically Black College or University), and I’ve noticed foolishness and ratchet behavior at HC around this time every year.  Since many of you out there are headed to your own homecomings as well, I thought I would list 10 helpful “commandments”  for homecoming behavior, if you will, as you journey back to the “yard”.  I’m doing this solely because I care:

• Thou shalt not spend all your rent and bill money tryna “ball to you fall”. In other words, when you get back home, you gon’ need them lights and water.  So if you cain’t afford premium likka, water with lemon is the next best choice and is likely free.  MC Breed said it best “ain’t no future (i.e. lights, gas, water,) in you frontin’.”  Ask yourself if VIP is worth sittin’ in the dark burnin’ candles.

• Thou shalt not get sloppy drunk at parties. This should be a given, but as Big Mama used to say “Common sense ain’t all that common”.  First, your livah ain’t what it used to be when you were in your teens and early 20s.  Second, you are 40 now and likely somebody’s mama or daddy.  Maybe even somebody’s grandmama or granddaddy if you were dry grindin’ early.  Fallin’ all out, slurrin’ your words and peein’ on yourself (or even threatenin’ to) is NOT a good look.  And now with social media, somebody WILL post a video of you doin’ who knows what and you will have a meeting with your company’s HR department in the near future.

• Thou shalt not wear 10 minute shoes to 2 hour events and activities. I know it’s half homecoming and half fashion show at these HBCUs, but you know your feet.  Better to wear some cute flats than have them thangs swell up like you a distant relative of the Klumps.  Plus ain’t nothin’ cute bout havin’ knuckles where your toes are s’posed to be.

• Thou shalt not act like thine is sangle, when thine ain’t. If you married, don’t be tryna act like you ain’t got a spouse cuz yo’ arse back on the yard.  Infidelity does count, even out of town and even at homecoming.  Plus, you gotta go home and the other party has to go home too.  Prolly to a disconnect notice (see the first bullet above).  You don’t need that kinda stress.  Plus, y’all ain’t make it 20 years ago, so what makes you think you will now?  Get you a hug, exchange pleasantries and get thee the hayle on.  Late night creep sessions are no Bueno.

• If you are newly single, thou shalt not wild out. Be careful out there.  It ain’t as carefree as it once was back in the day.  Make sure you got some protection, and that you use it.  Maybe he was your first and vice versa back in the day, but y’all done had several boyfriends and girlfriends and even a husband or wife, or seven, so you need to act like he or she might have that Ebola or that Hepatitis C or something.  You might even consider wearing a Hazmat suit.  Magic Johnson might be cured of the “package” but you ain’t got Magic money and you ain’t Magic.  Plus, you can still get pregnant at 40 and 50, and I done already told y’all how old people shouldn’t have kids.

• Thou shalt not forget thine personal limitations. You cain’t go to every event or party and that’s perfectly reasonable. If there are fi’ parties happenin’ on one day, maybe you can only make two.  And that’s okay.  You old now..nobody expects you to still be able to kick it like when you were 20.

• Thou shalt not drop it like it’s hot if thou is sufferin’ from creaky joints, bursitis, bad knees, arthritis or any other ailment of old age. I know you are a former winner of the local club’s “Running Man” or “Back Dat Thang Up” contests, but you were 20 then.  Ain’t nothin’ worse than bein’ that old person in the club with your hand in the air talmbout “hey naaaaahhhhh” while droppin’ it to the flo’ and gettin’ stuck there.  Cuz if somebody has to help you stand back up, you gon’ end up on these Innanets (see bullet point above).Your kid looks appropriate doin’ the Nae Nae….you not so much.  Be done “Whipped” and caught a crick in your neck.  The two-step (movin’ side to side) is still a viable option for old people dancin’.  Or just do like Chaka Khan did on the first night of Dancing With The Stars and just stand there while the music plays.

• Thou shalt get thine beauty sleep. Schedule some nap time each day so you can look well rested at parties and events.  You already old (yes, I keep having to remind you cuz you might get to homecoming and forget), so you don’t need to present with extra wrinkles and lines cuz you stayed up until fo’ the night before.  A good moisturizer will only do so much.

• Thou shalt not show up at people’s tailgates, bbqs or house parties expectin’ to eat up where you go along and you ain’t put nothin’ on the party AND you empty handed. Consider bringin’ some boxed wine if yo’ money is short (see first bullet point above) or your own meat and bread.  Ribs and such are EXPENSIVE.  Foke got kids to feed now..they cain’t be feeding you too.  Plus, they get a tax deduction for them kids…

• Greeks, if you are at a party, thou shalt not put a hole in them people’s flo’ steppin’. Plus, you likely bought them shoes you got on with your last on the way to homecoming (see first bullet point above).  You don’t need to tear up nobody’s flo’ or your own soles.  Also, smellin’ like Icy Hot the next day all up and through the party will NOT be cool.

BONUS – Thou Shall NOT take unauthorized video and photos of foke and post them to social media.  Nobody needs to wake up the next day , when they hungover and wantin’ Waffle House, to texts and inbox messages talmbout how they Hittin’ The Quan all ova the Innanets.  Do unto foke as you would have them do unto you.  You don’t want unauthorized videos of you doin’ it for The Vine so give other foke that same courtesy.

I could go on and on with these homecomin’ commandments but I need to work on my own outfits for my Homecoming.  Oh yes, the spreadsheet is coming out complete with sort and filter functions, complete with outfit for each event, shoes, accessories and handbags.  (Hey I’m a CPA).  I also need to call the light and gas comp’ny to see if they will give me an extension for this month so I can be VIP at the all the homecoming parties when I hit Jackson.  Yasss…bout to get my WHOLE life!  In the words of that old sage, Big Mama, do as I say…and not as I do.    #theeilove

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