My BFF, Kathy, got married this weekend.  Interestingly enough, another good friend got married in March….and two other good friends will join the married ranks by the end of the summer (Hey Sherrelle, Sue and Jess!).  Also gon’ shout out Sean even though he snuck off and did it.  Which works for me cuz that’s one less gift I gotta buy  LOL.  Congratulations to all of y’all.  I’ve been married for 13 years, which is like 30 years in the Black community.  Hey, y’all done seen the stats.  And just like most Black foke, I got an asterisk on them 13 years because we been together for 18 total.  It is pretty common amongst Black foke to be “together” and dating exclusively for 15 years but be married for like 2.  I’ve also been a bridemaid (in the words of Nene Leakes who just can’t say bridesmaid) 8 times.  I’ve attended an Indian wedding…a Buddhist wedding…Catholic weddings…but have attended mostly Black weddings, so that’s what I’m gon’ talk about here.

Not because I got anything against white people. I actually love white people as wedding guests (they always buy the nicest stuff and off your registry) and in weddings (they gon’ start and end on time and ain’t gon’ take all day gettin’ down the aisle.  It’s gon’ be a nice short program and they gon’ usually serve free alcohol complete with real bartenders).  But, again, since I’ve only actually participated in Black weddings including the one I tied the knot in, that’s gon’ be my focus.

So if you are attending a Black wedding this spring/summer….refer to my list and see how many of these things really happen:

• A flower girl or ring bearer who is between the age of 1 and 3 ain’t gon’ make it down the aisle without a grown-up assisting.  I’m telling you this because I care and you might be mad when you see the video or photos of lil Brandon or Taylor walking down the aisle holding hands with her daddy or momma, whom you didn’t expect to become a part of your wedding party.
• The pastor/preacher/reverend conducting the ceremony is gon’ want you to say “amen” and “well”.  A. Lot. He might even announce that the doors of the church are open especially if he is tryna build his congregation.  #Opportunity
• The bride is likely to give foke in the audience the “side eye” during the part where the pastor/preacher/reverend says “If anybody can show just cause why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.  This is also NOT a good time to sneeze, cough, laugh or otherwise move.
• The first kiss is likely to be all kinds of inappropriate.  Just smile through it, cheer and try to “unsee” it and erase it from your memory later.
• The number of gifts on the gift table are NOT going to match the number of guests.  It might not even be “close”.  So when Uncle Leroy says “oh snap…I done left yo’ gift at home” or that friend from college says she shipped it, you can give them a knowing smile.  Yeah…sure you did.
• Somebody gon’ eat mo’ than they share of the passed hors d’oeuvres.  It’s prolly gon’ be Uncle Leroy and the friend from college (see above).  Plan accordingly.
• Somebody gon’ drink up all the liquor because it’s open bar and they ain’t got to pay.  You may also have a few bottles of somethin’ missin’ by the end of the night.  Some foke think that if they bought a gift, they get to leave with one too.  If it’s at your house, hide yo’ sheeit.
• Single ladies are gonna be real competitive durin’ the bouquet toss.  They might be the best of friends or sorority sisters or whateva, but somethin’ bout the bride tossin’ those flowers make it erry woman for herself.  Foke who ain’t neva been athletic gon’ turn into all kindsa track stars and high jumpers.  They might even end up on the floor.  Don’t be surprised to see the lucky lady who catches it all bruised up in the photos.  Also, don’t be surprised to see her still in competition five years later, because she still won’t be married.  I think that bouquet thing might actually be bad luck.
• Single men are going to have to be prodded to get out on the dance floor during the garter toss.  And when the groom tosses it, they all are going to watch it fall to the floor.  The other ones are goin’ to all gang up on one of the men to make him pick it up.  He won’t be smilin’ in the photos cuz in his mind, he just “lost”.  Especially if he came with a date.  Especially if the date is clapping and smiling really hard.
• A line dance of some form is going to happen, so if you need to practice, get to it.  You gon’ do the Electric Slide, The K Wang Wit It, and The Cupid Shuffle.  It’s gon’ be some new ones too that one person knows how to do (or made up cuz they wanna seem better than you) and he gon’ be tryna teach errybody.  Watch out for that somebody that is probably going to be drunk (yes, somebody always gets drunk at a Black wedding.  That person also usually spills dranks so be careful with the carpeting).

Enjoy wedding season, and congratulations to everybody getting married in 2015!  I proclaimed 2014 the year of the side chick.  With Don Sterling’s wife winnin’ that judgement against his old mistress (V. Stiviano) recently, I proclaim 2015 the year of the wifey!!!!  Ahhhh…I love LOVE!

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