I’m headed to my college homecoming this week, and I am super excited. I went to an HBCU and I’ve noticed foolishness and Thotty by nature behavior at HC around this time every year. Since many of you out there are headed to your own homecomings as well, I thought I would list 10 helpful “commandments” for homecoming behavior, if you will, as you journey back to the “yard”. I’m doing this solely because I care:
- Thou shalt not spend all your rent and bill money tryna “ball to you fall”. In other words, when you get back home, you gon’ need them lights and water. So if you cain’t afford premium likka, water with lemon is the next best choice and is likely free. MC Breed said it best “ain’t no future (i.e. lights, gas, water,) in you frontin’.”
- Thou shalt not get drunk at parties. This should be a given, but as Big Mama used to say “Common sense ain’t all that common”. First, your livah ain’t what it used to be when you were in your teens and early 20s. Second, you are 40 now and likely somebody’s mama or daddy. Maybe even somebody’s grandmama or granddaddy. Fallin’ all out, slurrin’ your words and peein’ on yourself (or even threatenin’ to) is NOT a good look.
- Thou shalt not wear 10 minute shoes to 2 hour events. I know it’s half homecoming and half fashion show at these HBCUs, but you know your feet. Better to wear some cute flats than have them thangs swell up like you a distant relative of the Klumps.
- Thou shalt not act like thine is sangle, when thine ain’t. If you married, don’t be tryna act like you ain’t got a spouse cuz yo’ arse back on the yard. Infidelity does count, even out of town and even at homecoming. Plus, you gotta go home and the other party has to go home too. Prolly to a disconnect notice (see the first bullet above). You don’t need that kinda stress. Plus, y’all ain’t make it 20 years ago, so what makes you think you will now? Get you a hug, exchange pleasantries and get thee the hayle on.
- If you are newly single, thou shalt not wild out. Be careful out there. It ain’t as carefree as it once was back in the day. Make sure you got your protection, and that you use it. Maybe he was your first and vice versa back in the day, but y’all done had several boyfriends and girlfriends and even a husband or wife, or seven, so you need to act like he or she might have that Ebola and even consider wearing a Hazmat suit. Plus, you can still get pregnant at 40 and 50, and I done already told y’all how old people shouldn’t have kids.
- Thou shalt not forget thine personal limitations. You cain’t go to every event or party and that’s perfectly reasonable. If there are fi’ parties happenin’ on one day, maybe you can only make two. And that’s okay. You old now..nobody expects you to still be able to kick it like when you were 20.
- Thou shalt not drop it like it’s hot if thou is sufferin’ from creaky joints, bad knees, arthritis or any other ailment of old age. I know you are a former winner of the local club’s “Running Man” or “Back Dat Thang Up” contests, but you were 20 then. Ain’t nothin’ worse than bein’ that old person in the club with your hand in the air talmbout “hey naaaaahhhhh” while droppin’ it to the flo’ and gettin’ stuck there. The two-step (movin’ side to side) is still a viable option for old people dancin’.
- Thou shalt get thine beauty sleep. Schedule some nap time each day so you can look well rested at parties and events. You already old (yes, I keep having to remind you cuz you might get to homecoming and forget), so you don’t need to present with extra wrinkles and lines cuz you stayed up until fo’ the night before. A good moisturizer will only do so much.
- Thou shalt not show up at people’s tailgates, bbqs or house parties expectin’ to eat up where you go along and you ain’t put nothin’ on the party AND you empty handed. Consider bringin’ some boxed wine if yo’ money is short (see first bullet point above) or your own meat and bread. Ribs and such are EXPENSIVE. Foke got kids to feed now..they cain’t be feeding you too. Plus, they get a tax deduction for them kids…
- Greeks, if you are at a party, thou shalt not put a hole in them people’s flo’ steppin’. Plus, you likely bought them shoes you got on with your last on the way to homecoming (see first bullet point above). You don’t need to tear up nobody’s flo’ or your own soles. Also, smellin’ like Icy Hot the next day all up and through the party will NOT be cool.
I could go on and on with these homecomin’ commandments but I need to go pack for my own. I also need to call the light and gas comp’ny to see if they will give me an extension for this month so I can be VIP at the homecoming parties when I hit Jackson. #theeilove Govern yourselves accordingly.